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Feeling kinda weird ....

Pennymac02's picture
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

One of Mikes best friends brought over some venison chili tonight. We went to the premier of one of our mutual friends films, and sat on my front porch afterwards talking about Mike and laughing over good times past. Boy, it was good to have a conversation that didn't revolve around cancerous bodily fluids, and it felt wonderful to laugh.

Now I'm feeling a little weird. Was it too soon or in bad taste to have a good (Completely platonic!!!) time? Seriously--I'm thinking like a Victorian novel, here. Was it "unseemly" to be out unaccompanied with a male friend for the movie? Now I'm kinda laughing at myself.

But I'm still feeling a little weird...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

First, I am so glad you were able to get out and find some joy in life! I've been told that "joy" promotes healing, and Lord knows we have some healing to do. And that there will be more sadness and grieving. So when the opportunity arises, and we feel we are up to it, have a little joy!

The feeling "weird" must be a common thing, as I have seen others describe this. Think, one day you are a loving, faithful wife, the next... Maybe that too, will be something that we must deal with. And yes, it did kinda sound like a Victorian novel! LOL!

It brings me "joy" to know that a fun evening with laughter and interesting conversation is a possibility, hopefully for me as well, one day!

Take care Penny.


Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

A friend is a friend, doesn't matter if it is male or female. Good for you for getting out and relaxing a bit. I think being with people who support us is part of the healing process. Enjoy your firends.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I have decided that it is never too soon to have a good time or laugh. Good for you! I refuse to let others decide what is right for me. You had a good time with a friend. That's what Mike would want you to do. Sounds pretty "seemly" to me. Fay

Pennymac02's picture
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

All of your support brought tears to my eyes this afternoon. These boards have been an absolute Godsend!


hope0310's picture
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

I think it is wonderful Penny that you were able to enjoy some company and laugh at old times!!!

I know it feels weird, I get that....totally, but Mike wants you to be happy, and every chance you get to grab a little happiness, Go For IT!!

Much love

Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I believe that it is better to remember the good times with someone else to share and laugh with. It beats sitting by your lonesome with your thoughts!!!!

Blessings, Gayle

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Penny, it may feel weird, but go for it. I know before my Mike passed away in January, he kept telling me to make sure that I continued to live, laugh and love life. He even had a talk with a number of our friends and family to make sure people got me back out into the world again. He told me that his spirit will live on in all of us (especially in me) so if I stop living, so does he. He reminded me of my strength and how much I was there for him in the past two years (first year shoulder replacement surgery/recovery and then the 7 month battle with cancer) and that now it was time for me to continue on. Mike then reminded me that I would want him to do the same for me if things had been reversed; and I told him he was right. He asked me to live life for us both, and that I shall do.

I ski patrolled my first Thursday night shift last night. Mike's best friend emailed me and asked me to ride up with him, so I did. I knew Thursday night patrolling would be the toughest as there are 12 of us who have been together on that night for the last 16 years. But although there were some tears, it was a good night. I laughed a lot, helped some injured skiers/boarders and took a run for Mike (which happened to be my best run). And I realized that Mike was there with me on EVERY run; and he was happy.

So Penny, we all have to keep on living, loving and having fun as that is what our spouses/significant others/family members would want. I am convinced to do anything different, we would be dishonoring their memories. We can not squander the life that they battled so hard to keep. Let's do that together, as a community of caregivers who gave our all, and now we have one more task..... Take care and LIVE!

skipper85's picture
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi Penny:

It's really strange that you should bring this up. I think there's nothing wrong with going out with a friend be it male or female as long as you realize what's bringing you together right now is your husband's death (talking about Mike and old times). If you continue to see this person you might want to center the conversation around the present and future and see how it goes. I know you are hurting for male companionship at this point because so am I. I've been going to Alpha meetings at my friend's church and I found myself very interested in one of the men there. We have never spoken to each other but I still felt guilty even thinking about him. He seemed so nice (he also helps out at the local shelter feeding the homeless) and at the same time is a biker. So it's like the best of both worlds. I like being with my friends but I miss talking and hanging out with a guy. Grieving is taking us down some very strange and interesting roads. Both Paul & Mike are gone. The fact that we miss their male companionship speaks volumes about how much we loved them.

We can feel weird and that's okay but life goes on. We just need to take baby steps while we're in such a vulnerable state.

Be happy Penny.


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I know you felt weird, but having a male companion who can share your memories of Mike is okay. I also have a friend, who had lost his wife who I am seeing. The first time all we did was go out for breakfast, but I felt so guilty. We've spent alot of time with our husbands, so being with someone new is different. But don't feel weird, cause you're not. And like everyone has told me, "Tom wouldn't want me to be unhappy forever>" But yet, if it would've been me dying and I knew he was going out with someone new, I'd be pissed. Is that wrong?
Take care & keep laughing. "Carole"

debbieg5's picture
Posts: 170
Joined: Nov 2010

Hey Penny,
Glad to hear that you had an oppotunity to relax and laugh some. We really need it. but I know how you feel. I think there are sort of 2 camps out there....one thinks you should be over things after the dust from the grave settles (or urn as the case may be) and the other camp thinks you should be in deep mourning and not have any fun for the next year. I think there is a comfortable mix in between.

I had a similar situation a couple of weeks ago. Up until Ken's treatments started, I had been going to a private gym associated with our physical therapy office. Found out that a really old friend of mine and ken's was working out there also. We used to go out together with him and his wife and had even made a trip to Cancun together years ago. he and his wife are now divorced. anyway, the PT/gym office had a "Customer Appreciation" night for "heart health" month. This friend was there and we talked a lot and then when leaving I gave him a lift to his car which was parked in a far parking lot (and it was FREEZING). We sat there in my car talking for over an hour...until my kids called and asked me where I was. :-) After i got home, I realized how starved I was for adult conversation. Ken's larynx had been removed in early September so there hadn't been much "talking" going on between us for some time. When we were all caught up in our caregiver duties we didn't really have time to think about those kinds of things. I think we should just enjoy the opportunities as they present themselves and as we are ready for them.
take care,

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