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What do I do now?

Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2011

What do I do now? I lost my husband on January 16, his 63 birthday to a disease I had never heard of. Myelofibrosis. He hasn't been sick other that an occasional cold in the 35 years. Hasn't been to a doctor in 25 years. He started to get sick on Christmas day. Urgent Care said it was just a sinus infection with slightly low blood preasure. Gave him a Z pack and said he would be fine. Jan 2 he is in emergency room. They said he was anemic, gave him 3 units of blood, said he had a heart attack from the stress and has pneumonia. Checked him into ICU. Over next two weeks he had every antibiotic made. Saw so many doctors I couldn't keep them straight. Every test possible. Second week they did a bone marrow biopsy. Said he had myelofibrosis. They still couldn't figure out why he couldn't breath and where his blood was going. He kept getting transfusions. By the 15th he couldn't breath without help so they put him on a ventilator (which he didn't want). They did a scope of his lungs to see what was causing his breathing problem. Doctor said they found where the blood was going. Since his blood wasn't clotting he was bleeding into his lungs, which was not a normal occurance with this disease they said but it does happen. They gave him 24 hours. We removed the ventilator, and he passed at 1:25am January 16, his 63rd birthday. We were to be married 35 years in June. We were just gifted with our first grandchild in September. A boy. Another grandchild, a girl, is due in June and he will miss another daughters wedding in September.
No warning..No symptoms...He is just gone. What do I do now??? All I can do is cry

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I can't believe how quick everything happened. I know what you're going through and can sympathize with you. My husband died on March 25th, 2010 so it's going to be a year already. He was always so healthy other than having a cold once in awhile. He had started having a back ache in August and we figured it was just from all the yard work he had done that summer. It kept getting worse and he finally went to the doctor in December. He had a scan done and it showed 2 fractures in his spine. We were referred to an orthapedic dr. He was told to get a back brace & take ibuprofen and come back in January. In Jan. they did another ct-scan and and MRI which showed more deterioration. So after more tests they determined a tumor in his lung, with lesions in his brain & spine. We were in shock. Anyhow, had to see an onocologist. He had 2 weeks of rads to his brain & spine and had good results which showed they had shrunk. Then started chemo. First treatment was with 2 chemos, plus Avastin. Did okay for a few days, but before the next treatment, he started coughing up blood. So the onc. ordered more tests which showed things were okay, but said the Avastin was causing bleeding so they wouldn't give that to him anymore. He had his next round of chemo. Two weeks later he hemorraged and died. Rare side effect from the chemo. So it was traumatic.
Anyhow when we lose the ones we love so suddenly, it's horrible. I was in shock, lost weight, and just layed on the couch and cried all day. Wouldn't talk on the phone or leave the house. I finally realized I couldn't do it alone and went to see a counselor. She gave me some meds which I didn't want, but probably would have cracked up if I hadn't taken them. So please, if you're having such a hard time, which you are, please go get help.
Sorry if I rambled on, but sometimes it helps to talk about it.
This was traumatic for you too, so please get help. "Carole"

Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2011

Thanks. Im sorry to hear about your husband. I have 3 girls with 3 "boys" that are holding me up. The grandkids help too. I have been to my doctor who gave me some meds but they don't agree with me. I have to call him back. My daughter who is expecting in June wants me to go live with her. I am trying to pack up the house and sell it and am looking for my work to let me transfer. I still don't have a death cert. Im told it could be up to 4-5 weeks before I get one. We are dealing with 2 states. That means no money. My husband was very parinoid about his banking. He did keep extensive records but I was only on 2 accounts and have to take the rest to probate. I can't even get any life ins until I get certificate. I could use the weight loss though.:) My husband was very limited in what he liked to eat so I bought and ate mostly what he did. I don't like to cook and it was easier. I spent 2 hours walking the grocery store because I didnt know what to buy. I like almost anything. I didnt expect the grocery store to be so overwhelming. Atleast I will be eating alot better which should help with the weight. Although I would give up the weight loss just to have him back. I will talk to my doctor and talking does help.. some.

Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Sara,

So sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my Terry to brain cancer on June 14 2010. He died 2 weeks before our 32 anniversary. It has been almost 8 months and I miss him terribly. I too went on zoloft. It took awhile for my body to adjust but it is helping. I also see a counselor and just started a young widows support group which has been very helpful. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through but need to try to move forward, really what are our choices. Slowly you will make changes in your life, like buying groceries and cooking for one. Not easy and sad in many ways, but eventually will adjust. I've been told that losing a spouse is like an amputation of your legs or arms. You now have to adjust to a different way of living.

You are in my thoughts, take it one step at a time.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Sara
Welcome to our discussion board. Mom and I lost my dad, her husband to esophageal cancer on March 9, 2010. We were aware of his cancer and somewhat prepared for his departure. You, on the other hand, oh my gosh! What a crazy journey you have been on this past month. I feel so sorry for you and your family. May God bless you all with the strength you will need to carry on. Try to take it one day at a time and let who ever wants to help you to do so. Great idea to sell and move in with your daughter. One less thing for you to worry about. Being able to transfer with your job is great. The financial situations will take some time, but it will all work out. Congratulations on your new grandchild and the one to come! We will see our loved ones again, Jesus made us that promise. You hang in there and do the best you can. Coming here will be most helpful for you. It has been for me. It helps me to help others. Stay in touch.
Tina in Va

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in Octorber of 2009. Those early days are so hard and it sounds like you have some extra burdens to carry. I am glad you have family to help. Time does help, but we are still left with that hole in our hearts. Take time to grieve. No one can do that for you. Even as you take care of all the business stuff, give yourself time to grieve. Crying is not a bad thing. It helps us in many ways. We need those tears to express our disbelief, anger, sorrow, and loneliness. Come here when you need to vent. Many on this board have lost spouses. You are not alone in your feelings. Take care, Fay

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