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Just rambling, not a useful post, best to just skip it

snommintj's picture
snommintj
Posts: 602
Joined: Mar 2009

So my friend and neighbor is lost at sea. That makes 11 people that volunteered at my benefit last year that have died since Feb 2010. There were 126 volunteers that help cook, serve, deliver, and then clean up. Now 11 of those people are dead. All were young and in good health. I remember them all praying for me and wishing the best for me. Sadly I don't remember the order in which they died but it started very quickly. Preacher Gary died first. He was my pastor when I was in high school. He was the oldest. He was an enormous man. He was over 6'5". Huge shoulders and head, his hands were ridiculously big. His voice boomed when he spoke. He had a massive heart attack and died shortly after an operation to restore proper heart rhythm. Elizabeth died memorial day weekend, she was the daughter of my moms friend. She helped with the bake sale, she was 19, beautiful and drown in just a few feet of water. I never met Bill and Talya, they were delivery drivers and delivered hundred of dinners throughout Florence. They used their own vehicles and used their own gas. They were murdered in sept, shot dead and set on fire. Mike wrecked his car on the way to church. He was 41 with two sons. He survived the crash but paralyzed from the neck down. He died in the hospital some weeks later. Katrina, 19 was accidentally run over by her boyfriend. Don was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in Jul and died in Dec. Mike was driving a fork lift and had a seizure. They took him to the hospital and discovered he had several strokes, he died in the hospital. Mitzi, 33 left work because she had a headache. Her sister stopped by to check on her a few hours later. She had a brain aneurysm and was dead. Now Andy, lost at sea.
So here I am. Still grinding along.
I've suffered mentally and physically from this disease. I still suffer. I don't know how much longer I can drag this out, but I know if it were just me I would have thrown in the towel years ago. I have a little boy that I won't give up on. I love him dearly and he deserves better than a dead father. I know I can't change the inevitable, but mentally I will fight through any pain, deal with any procedure. My resolve is unshakeable. Death will eventually come to me. I have faced it for years and am reminded daily how tenuous my position is. I have 1 thing worth holding on to. I refuse to allow my mind, or emotions to be the weakest link. My body will fail long before my mind will. I know my future. It's filled with agony and suffering, followed by a not so swift death. Bring it on!

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

John

Your last statement about "agony and suffering" reminds of the post I just wrote titled "Pain and Suffering."

I know I'm a long read and most of the time you probably pass me over (that's ok, bud) but you might want to read a paragraph or two.

As you've said, you've got a son worth living for that provides you with the greatest motivation - I applaud that and think of how lucky so many of you are to have children and how your resolve is strengthened for them. No parent wants to not be there for their children.

Recently, over the past several months, I've been fighting my latest battle also. I share many of the thoughts you are having. I've recently began to question what my motivation is for trying to survive and going through this pain and suffering.

My wife would be ok without me and cancer...and I would not leave any kids behind. But it seems as if I fight cancer and then return to work and chores. I'm wondering if there will be anything else for me.

Of course, I fight on, 'cause I've still got a shot and I've got to take that shot - I still dream that my life might just be really beginning, I just don't know what's behind Door #2, but I need to stay alive to find out.

Your stories about the people who have passed is quite tragic. How this life works is such a mystery to me - why this happens to people and for others, no. There is sure a lot of heartbreak there.

Your resolve will never be in question - I feel your body would probably say "when" before your spirit and attitude - in this I think we share a common bond. I'm just too stubborn to know when to quit - I'm from Texas and we don't know the word NO.

Take care, buddy - you do what you do, we're all pulling for you.

-Craig

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Wow. That is such a sad list of deaths, so many of them way too young to go. I'm sure it takes an emotional toll on you to know that they helped you in your battle, and then they lost their lives.

I'm glad you have strong motivation to live,and I feel sure that is what has kept you here so far, despite setbacks that surely would have killed others. Your son has a fine example of how to be a man when he looks at you.

*hugs*
Gail

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3346
Joined: Jan 2010

I hate to contradict you, but this post was worth reading.

It points out that there are lots of good folks in the world who will reach out to help. 126 of them working for your benifit was awesome.

It points out that death comes in its own time and own way for each of us. We can't know our own destiny or that of anyone else.

You were wrong too about there only being 1 thing worth holding on to. While your son should absolutely be your number 1 light in this darkness, there are obviously others out there who are counting on you to do your very best against this.

Don't forget us here on the board. We understand being down and having dark thoughts, been there done that, but we are here to help you back to your feet, to stand by your side and put all we can into all of us winning always just one more day.

Take care

Marie who loves kitties

Nana2's picture
Nana2
Posts: 255
Joined: Mar 2010

John, I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now. Life must be feeling so terribly fragile. I can only pray for you and ask that God would steady your troubled heart and BE your strength. Your son is very blessed to have you for a father.

April

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I am really sorry for all the losses you have had in the past year. It really does remind us that none of us really knows how long we have; we need to make the most of every single day. Marie is right; what a tribute to you that that many volunteers participated in the fundraiser for you. Take good care of yourself.

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi John,

It's such a heartbreaker to read of all the tragic deaths you mentioned. Many, many people all over the world die every day, but I do believe when we've been diagnosed with something like cancer, we become all the more aware of death around us.
I know it's a tough fight, and you've remained very, very tough. Whether the rest of your life is going to be short or much longer than you're thinking, your little boy will know (or will be made to know by others, if he's too young to comprehend it now) all that you did for yourself and for him by staying strong and continuing to fight against this dreaded disease. STAY STRONG! I honestly don't know how people do it- I feel I do have a strong inborn personality, but I don't think I could have stayed this strong without my belief in faith in the Lord. You're fortunate that you were born with such tenacity and inner strength. Not wanting to preach here, but just sharing that I do wish for you and for others to understand what the Lord can do- even though I have cancer and may not be healed or well from it, I still have a blessed assurance in my life. Hard to explain. Ok- please no one hit me over the head for those comments- not trying to preach to everyone here- just sharing my thoughts.
Praying for you to feel the strength and support, John-
Hugs,
Lisa

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Geez, John... it wouldn't surprise me one little bit if you were not suffering from a form of depression... no one should lose that many friends and/or acquaintances in less than a year. I'm sure it happen in war-torn countries and people go through post-traumatic shock when this happens. I know, back in the mid-80s, I lost friend after friend after friend because of AIDS and let me tell you, that does a real number on one when you lose that many friends in such a short period of time.

Even if you think, "Naaaa, I'm fine. I'm just stating a fact of life and coincidence"... you can't help but be impacted in a big way. Heck, just reading the post impacts everyone who reads it and we don't know any of these people... but we can't help but feel for each one and how they died, and in turn, how that must impact you. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, John, even though it's out of your or anyone else's control.

Now, it's interesting how you say that if it were just you, you think you would have thrown in the towel years ago... but you have that darling little boy (and his is a real cutey from the pictures you have shown us), and it is your son that keeps you fighting this disease. I know of many of our CSN family who have children and they can probably relate to you 100% on this. I am from the other side... I don't have any children. I am single and am totally happy being single. As for when I need help, I am extremely lucky in that I do have friends who trip over themselves trying to get to my side to help me... so in my case, being single is not an issue as far as getting help and support. But I don't have a child(ren) which gives me this burning desire to survive... yet, I feel I have every bit as strong a desire to survive as the next person. Maybe, in my case it is selfish... I don't want to survive because of someone else, I want to survive because of me. Maybe I'm in denial but I am not ready to die, nor am I ready to throw in the towel. Perhaps I have not suffered as much as many others here who say they would be ready to throw in the towel if it weren't for their kids, spouse, etc. but I have just not gotten to that point where dying is an option for me.

But thank you for writing this post which you call a rambling one... it really does give one some food for thought, and again points out what I mentioned in another topic that we all are Stage IV from birth and no one knows when our time is up, even though every human being is Stage IV. These people you mentioned, who were 19, 19, 31 and 41... there is no reason any of them should have died before any of us who have been labeled Stage IV. But they did... as have many others along with them. So what does this tell us? We just have to continue the fight because we really don't know when our time is up.

Cheryl

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

Hi John,

The lost at sea reminded me of one lucky escape for me.
So I am here as well, we all are here.
Many of us parents with young kids.
This cancer aint't that selective.
I guess we all grind along, if you can lets just do it with a smile and gratitude as we
are here.

We have a few things in common a young son and unshakable resolve.

I hope you keep on looking so you may see heaps of other things worth holding on to.
I suspect they are there.

Love Pete

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Hugs, I'm so sorry for all these losses.

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lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

Thanks for sharing your post John. The tenderness and care you show for all those who helped you and then passed on before you is very worth seeing. I appreciate it. I think we show by our examples of compassion, courage, and resilience a gift that others can receive or not. I believe that is our gift of life for others. And then are those in our life who encourage us -like your son, or for me, my sweet husband, my beloved girlfriend, my close friends, my dear horses, my beloved border collie who always makes me laugh. We are all connected and that web that we weave and is woven around us by others is a good reason, and a privilege, to keep on living regardless.

I'm humbled and blessed to know you, John,
Leslie

Lori-S's picture
Lori-S
Posts: 1287
Joined: Sep 2010

I feel your frustration, sorrow and suffering and want you to know that I am here with all the best of hopes and well wishes for you and those that you love.

I am fighting this disease and taking care trying to keep my son alive at the same time. All of those thoughts and questions that you bring up come up for me too. Sometimes I think it best that I die before my son as a child should not die before their parent and other times I think I need to stay alive so that I can do all I can do to keep him going (As I've been doing for his 23 years). Life can be such a mystery and sometimes so confusing and unfair. It really makes you think that there is a power greater than ourselves. I know I sure as hell don't have the answers and sometimes am surprised by the turns my life takes though lots of things were never in "my plan" not matter how I lived or what I did or didn't do.

I am sorry for the losses of those in your life. Just keep on keeping on is what I'm going by right now. Maybe that would work for you too. HUGS

lizzydavis's picture
lizzydavis
Posts: 893
Joined: May 2009

John, as a CSN friend, I wanted you to know how sorry I am for the difficult times you have been through. I have heard it said that if the rough times don't kill you, they will certainly make you a stronger person. While there is little I can say or do to take away your pain, I do want you to know that I am thinking of you and I care.

I have listed some thoughts I keep near to help me through the bad times. I hope they will bring you some comfort too.

Life isn't about how you survived the storm...
it's about how you danced in the rain!

"Do not get to the end of your life having just lived the length of it ~ live also the width of it!"

One lady in particular, Ms. Mary, told me "the devil will try to pull you down, but you be strong and don't let him take hold of you". This lifted my spirits!

"The best legacy you can give your children
is to cope with adversity with grace and dignity."

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows.

The Greatest Happiness in the World is to make others happy. – Luther Burbank

Your good spirits make you immune to illness.

A sunny attitude will be a barrier against all the stuff you want to keep out of your life today.

To quote Charles Dickens, "Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."

Hugs and love to you,
Lizzy

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