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We carry on with the pump...treatment # 5 done..7 to go

okthen's picture
okthen
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi everyone...
Just thought I would update on Jack.
After the Oxal reaction we went through a stressful week of him wanting to stop chemo.
Visited with the Doc and Jack decided to go ahead with the 5fu.
He hooked up last Tuesday and unhooked Thursday.
He, surprisingly, has felt worse than ever after disconnect.
But he's being a trooper.

We moved, have a ton of conversations about how our situation is better financially...but I think the emotional and physical stress of moving is catching up with us. We are both walking around in a daze most of the time. The weather here has been FREEZING so that doesn't help....I think what we miss the most about our old house is the heated garage. (o:

I realized that I am withdrawing...don't call friends and family...don't even want to get dressed most days. I feel guilty, this whole thing is NOT ABOUT ME...so I am trying to pull up my big girl pants and deal...as the saying goes.

I am sick of my self..I sound like a broken record...

I was so fixated on that 2011 was gonna be a better year that when a couple crappy things happened I took it way to hard....why do we do that? It's just a number....silly me.

You have all been in my thoughts and prayers
Chriss

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I think 2011 will be better, Chriss! You + Jack have been through a lot of stress. Things will get better. Here's a (((HUG))) from me.

okthen's picture
okthen
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Im feeling it! Thanks...just what I needed! (0:

Kerry S's picture
Kerry S
Posts: 607
Joined: Dec 2009

Phew, you really needed that vent. I would symbolically open a window and let that crap get out.

I really feel your frustration. We all go thru that. Cancer folks and their care givers are really in the same boat. None of us wants to go thru the hell of wondering if we are going to croak. I think it was John23 that taught me, when I first came here, to get over the fear of croaking. That energy is needed by both of you to fight this crap.

Now that we have that happy bull over, let’s switch to the positive side of the problem.
Let’s focus on a damn good attitude of mind, body, and sprite.

You both need to talk to each other openly and honestly and vent more before it becomes destructive for you both. I enjoy giving the grim reaper the finger. That puts me back in control. I now have him mentally pictured as about 5 foot 1. Hell I am 6-2. I could whip his butt. Hope this makes sense to you. MY head is a little screwed up today.

Kerry (hey grim reaper – screw you)

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

many problems beside jack,s cancer that I'm sure 2011 must be much better for you both!.
Hang in there and cheer up Chriss!

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okthen's picture
okthen
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Better today pepe...thanks!! (o:

okthen's picture
okthen
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Kerry..the reaper has no chance with you..that's for sure!

Your last paragraph hits home....we talk honestly...he honestly feels that he doesn't need the chemo...and I honestly feel that he does....sooo we don't talk about it much. When he voices his opinion, I listen and try to give him encouragement, but what he wants from me is an ok to stop treatment...I won't give it...I just can't. I "allowed" him to stop the tests etc when he had his first tumour, stage 1..then not even a year later it's back, stage 3.
So, whether it's right or wrong, I feel responsible for his aches and pains, he's doing it for me and our kids, but he doesn't think he needs it.

At this point I kinda feel like we are spitting on a fire...all the delays and changes...I just pray and pray that he won't be taken from us, I would die without him. I am not a strong person when it comes to sadness...sorry so dramatic....

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

I think my low point is after disconnect as well.
Just make sure Jack gets rest when he needs it.
You'll get through this...
If you and he are having a good day maybe try and get a walk in.
I just got back from an hour and a half walk.
my 2 dives mates turned up 9am and said its time for a walk.
It felt great getting out of the house.
Not that I am complaining but its so hot and sunny here we were burning.

Just keep on talking and posting, its good to get your feelings out.
Hope you both have a better week.
prayers,

Pete

okthen's picture
okthen
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Thamks Pete, a walk sounds like heaven! He is out working in the garage today...trying to sort out all the "sh**" I brought when we moved. Can't convince him that we need all that stuff...and all the stuff in the storage shed. He actually just left for the dump...he thinks I don't know that he puts some of my "treasures" in the load under the actual trash...sometimes I ignore it..sometimes I remove it. (o:

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

It sounds to me like you really need a break, just to regroup and be able to continue staring down this beast. Is there a family member or friend who would hang out with Jack for a few hours, so you could go out? Don't run an errand, though! I want you to go do something relaxing, okay? I really hope you can do this.

Praying for both of you.

*hugs*
Gail

okthen's picture
okthen
Posts: 232
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi Gail! I did just as you said...me and our 13 y.o. went shopping yesterday. I've been avoiding that, because I don't need anything else to smush into this house, and she's usually NOT fun to shop for clothes with...haha BUT to my surprise we had an awesome day and even found her some jeans that were just perfect! Can't ask for better than that. (o:

Thanks to all of you for your prayers! I really do feel the hope and encouragement that you all send our way!

We will get through this...we will get through this...we will.....
Chriss

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