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It's 5:00 a.m. - Help!

skipper85's picture
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Can't sleep - today is husband's celebration of life. It was supposed to be a very small event now and a larger one for extended family in the spring- NOT. Now we have over 20 people and 7 kids. We're going to have snow/sleet (it's not supposed to snow here). My stomach's a mess and my nerves are shot. I just want it to be over. Had planned on speaking and had things straight in my head but now I don't know if I can get it together enough to make any sense. I told everyone casual dress but I expected my son to wear dress pants - he is wearing jeans - but a nice shirt. Still have lots of stuff to do before company arrives. Middle of the night granddaughter puked all over sheets, bedspread etc. So still doing laundry. Daughter and daughter-in-law don't really get along but hopefully they will make the effort today. Still have to make the music CD's and put pictures on tri-fold board. Having it in my husband's man cave (garage) where he spent most of his time. Of course, food will be served inside. Will have to have two heaters going and wear jackets. Will have to set up kitchen after kids have lunch. Celebration is at 4:00 p.m. Wish I had it at 9:00 a.m. Dog has freaked out over the last couple of months. She's taking doggy Prozac and Xanax. Hopefully she will be drugged enough not to pee on the floor every time someone walks through the front door. She has to be at the ceremony. She's our baby. Son had to bring his dog (she's on a very special diet and has other health issues) but she's very well behaved. I am worried I might crash. Having mililtary honors with taps. That's always very emotional. Hope I can keep it together. I don't want to disappoint my husband or my kids who will need my support and strength. Up to now it's been surreal. I think this is going to make it very real and hopefully bring some closure. In the spring we will scatter my husband's ashes off the beach (outgoing tide).

Anyway, does anyone know how much gratuity to give to the military honor guard? They're from the American Legion.

I just want this to be over and curl up and go to sleep somewhere by myself. Love the kids and grandkids but will be glad when they leave tomorrow.

Playoff games tomorrow but I just don't enjoy football anymore without my husband. It's just not the same. That, and none of our favorite teams are playing. Well the Klonapin is starting to kick in. Maybe I can grab an hour's sleep before the kids wake up. I should have put them up in a hotel so I could have my space. Oh well - too late now.

Wish me luck!


luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Oh, Skipper, you poor dear! How overwhelmed you must feel. I hope that you can find the courage to be open with your family and ask them to take care of some of these details. It should not be you doing these preparations. You have done so much already, your energy is probably zilch! I experienced a rush of adrenaline that kept me going at 100 mph, but would stop abruptly a short while later, the days following the passing of my love. My friends and family were wonderful, they would not let me do anything except rest, time to cry, go through our pictures to select the ones I wanted to use for his memorial service. There was a moment that I just went around our home searching for something and it all just came down on me! I lost it! Thankfully, I didn't hurt anyone's feelings. I, too, believed that I could handle it all: his death, a house full of folks, arrangements, my emotions... I soon found out that I just couldn't. I let it all go, they listened to what my wishes were, and carried them out beautifully.
Call on friends, neighbors, clergy, support group to help at this time. Believe, there are folks that would do anything to help at this time. It is how they honor your husband, you. You children are grieving their loss and may not be able to see clearly that what you need is peace and rest at this time. And if you are like me, the one that always "takes care of things", you may be feeling that it is expected out of you. The only "expectation" you should put on yourself right now is to take care of yourself. Nurse your broken heart, feed your soul, rest your weary body.

I will be thinking of you today, and praying that a peace comes over you and that you are able to experience today for what it is, a moment to honor your husband, honor your life together, receive the many good wishes from others.


Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Skipper, This is going to be a long day for you and it's going to seem surreal! There were over 400 people that came to Tom's and it was like a dream. Please try and relax, although if you're anything like me, I was there in "body" but my mind was a million miles away. You'll get through it and after it's over you have to try and adjust. It's going to take time, so don't rush it and don't make any hasty decisions. Just take time for yourself to get used to the new life that you'll have. I thought I'd never make it as far as I have, but there's no choice so just had to take one day at a time. Thank God for my kids & my counselor and last but not least my MEDS!!! You can do it! After your company leaves, have a glass of wine (if you can) and try to relax! Please keep in touch!
I am so sorry for your loss and what you went through and I do understand how you feel.
Take care! "Carole"

Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Having read your postings over all of this time, it seems to me that you are a very strong person with everything you did as your husband battled his cancer. You will get through this fine and then probably will need to get some real rest for yourself. Try not to stress yourself out or let others stress you either.
As far as the honor guard goes, I think my Aunt tipped $50 for the honor guard for mu Uncle's funeral last year.

Pennymac02's picture
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I set the date and time for my husbands local memorial yesterday--its Sunday a week from today @ 2:00. I am typing this in the middle of the night because I woke up with the train load of planning thoughts running through my head. When I read your post I realized we are in very similar spots. My family will be coming into town next weekend and I have to go through the photos and music this week. I'm not overwhelmed at the planning I need to so, I'm scared of everyone expecting me to go back to normal (what ever that is) afterwards. His remains will be buried in Nebraska in March when he weather is more settled.

Please keep us posted on how things are going for you. I'm very selfishly looking to you for guidance since you're doing everything about a week ahead of me. Cyber (((HUGS))

hope0310's picture
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Hope the Celebration of Life went well!

Be good to yourself!

debbieg5's picture
Posts: 170
Joined: Nov 2010

Skipper, hope your memorial service went well. It is a stressful thing to have to plan/organize. It's hard to believe that it's just over a week since my husband's funeral and 2 weeks since his death. There are moments when it still doesn't seem real. I was glad to have my mom come up here to help me and so many friends at church pitched in. Still....there were things that only I could do. The planning week was a blur of phone calls and visits from people. One day, a good friend from church was visiting. As I sat there talking to him, the fatigue hit me all at once like a freight train. I was sitting right in front of him trying to talk but felt like I was going to fall over on the floor. Maybe he saw it in my eyes because he left soon after. I walked over to the fireplace and just layed down on the floor and immediately zonked out. right now, there seems to be a tiredness that doesn't go away. I guess that's just the mental stress. But I made it back in to my office today and I haven't broken down crying yet so that's progress. all we can do now is try to go one day at a time.
Vent when you need to....

skipper85's picture
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010


I know what you mean about the fatigue. I'm so tired I can't even sleep. Even our dog is wiped out. I've been working all along except for most of Thursday & Friday. I have no choice. Now I'm the only one running the business and I have bills to pay. I guess it's good that I'm so busy. I sure could use a vacation in a warm sunny place but I probably would still feel exhausted and sad.

The celebration of life went well. At least I thought so. I didn't cry but came close when the honor guard played taps. Did you know it's an electric horn and it's pre-recorded? It did sound perfect. The minister forgot to show. He was only coming to say a prayer - not do a whole service. My best friend called him and he came a runnin'. He's her pastor. He did us a big favor coming since I'm not officially part of his congregation. I'll probably start attending that church. The people have been wonderful to me - it's just that they are all old as dirt. I'm 63 and I feel like I'm 20 around them. I have a friend who goes to another church I wanted to try. They seem to do more things. I think I would like it better. Maybe I'll switch back and forth until I know where I'll fit in.

The house is soooo quiet it's deafening. I put on the tv just for the noise. I guess this is what it will be from now on. There's no way to turn back time. I really miss my husband (even his crabby moments). I still can't believe he's gone. It was so quick.

I guess now we just go forward. I'm sure it will get easier in time. But things will never be the same.


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