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Sometime I just wonder

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

I feel so lucky for being cancer free (as far as I know or until they tell me otherwise) Since I have been diagnosed it has been weird, I thought I would be dead by now. I saw it kill my mom and her mom, surely no one survives colon cancer right? Survivor guilt has started a bit now, I know my mom and grandma would be the first ones to tell me how those two words should never come together. But still I wonder, because truly out of the two of us, between me and my mom, she was the better one :(

funny how that works

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

that you wrote that in my opinion she has left you with the gift of being just as she is, kind , gentle, and caring, even if you have your own identity, you still have your mothers heart, and her beauty as well...She is proud of who you are, you are you, and she smiles at your antics constantly...and for who you have turned out to be...only my feelings but I think they are so true. Survivors guilt, no, its the love in your heart that you display being her daughter, and how you are becoming as she is. I think she is proud of your perserverance through this, and I think you are a wonderful woman because of her......Love to you buddy, remember, 39 more years.......Buzz ( with a z )

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ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

I had my op on this day in 1998,stage 3 6 lymph nodes. I haven't seen a sign of it since. I am no superhero ,I have no secret ,I simply accept that it happens whilst folk whom I feel are far more deserving than I don't make it. I'm not feeling guilty because I honestly don't know what I should feel guilty about. Sure I chose to survive but I doubt that matters a fig in the whole great scheme of things. Perhaps it is true as I once speculated ,that some of us just fall thru the cracks. So just keep walking on those cracks mate,some things just are,Hugs Ron.

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3327
Joined: Jan 2010

As you say, your mother would not want you to feel guilty for surviving that which took her.

I think instead she would wish you to celebrate each day and bring into your life all good things.

Cancer and death are not punishments.

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

You've read my mind. I also think the same thing about my dad. :( Why him and not me?
However, I think you're pretty dang special. Love ya, girl!!

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

Thank you to everyone that replied to my post, I was just having one of those days where I just needed my mom and I was feeling very sad about it. All of the posts made me feel better, you are all such amazing people and I feel fortunate to know you.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey, Christine.

Sorry I'm so late in posting on this one. It speaks so well of your mom when you write such a sweet and heartfelt note.

*hugs*
Gail

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

It is really hard when you have lost someone you love + miss them so much. Your Mom must have been wonderful; you speak so highly of them. I hope you are feeling better. Sorry I din't respond sooner.

plh4gail's picture
plh4gail
Posts: 1238
Joined: Oct 2010

Christine I'm glad you're feeling better. I read your post and it made me tear up. Just wanted you to come to Cali, have a change of pace, spend some girl time talking and mending the pieces of our sorrows.

Glad you're feeling better, Gail

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

I know exactly how you feel, you know I lost my mom to cancer. Never a day goes by that I don't think of her, and wish she was still her. Plus all I've been through, you really could do with your mom around. And like you I was thinking the other day maybe would have been better if she had lived and I went.
But our mom's have taught us how to fight, even when we don't feel strong. My aunt said that if my mom was still alive while I had the big c it would have killed her.
I think our mom's would want us to carry on keep their spirit alive and make them proud for all that they have taught us. :-) Need to listen to my own advice.
Glad you are feeling better
Love and hugs

sasjourney
Posts: 395
Joined: Jul 2010

Christine,

I know your mom would be so proud of the wonderful person that you are. She would want you to celebrate the fact that you have beaten cancer and live your life to the fullest. You should feel no guilt about surviving cancer. That is the way it was supposed to be...all part of God's plan.

Take care,

Sara

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

A Mother should never lose her child.
You wonder, if things could be changed, and your Mother lived and you instead had taken her place, how better you believe that should be. Had you died before your mother, the loss of her beloved child would be inconsolable, a mother cannot bear with her being the loss of her child.
In your Mother's mind, there could be no greater pain then the loss of a child, HER child.
The baby she brought into the world, whom she nourished, raised as best she could, to be the person that you are today. Could she imagine losing this child? This baby she held so tenderly in her arms? The child she kissed the boo boo's away and put the bandaids on. The child she looked at with pride as she grew up.
In your mother's eyes, you are the better one, because she raised you, instilled her beliefs in you, taught you right from wrong, loved you infinitely, you ARE THE REASON SHE LIVES ON, blood of her blood, heart from her heart, love of her life. You are who continues to let her spirit and values live on.
You are her legacy.
Get rid of your survivor guilt. Your mom to be sure is looking upon you with all her grace and love. One thing I'm sure of Christine, is that she is proud of you and watches you with love.
Winter Marie

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