After the holidays

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spensir
spensir Member Posts: 44
edited March 2014 in Esophageal Cancer #1
This has been an awful day for me. I was taking down Christmas decorations and I felt to pieces. I was sad angry hopeless everything all at once. I hated to think that there may be a Christmas without my loving husband. John was given the sad news October 2009 but we
knew he had it since July 2009 when the symptoms started. He is stage IVb.

John has done pretty well this year he has had several different chemo meds, and radiation for 28 days. he is getting Herceptin right noe as well as 5FU. Last scan showed it still is not in the organs and his Dr. says he is considered stable.

I am usually tough positive and calm. Today I hated cancer so much it affected everything around me I hated having to put those ornaments away knowing there is the possibility that the strong man who has cared for me for 40 wonderful years may not be here next time I take them out.

I talked to my oldest sister and she gave me a reality check and told me non of us know if we will be here next Dec. I put up lots of trees so my solution was i am going to leave one up and decorate for all the different holidays and seasons, all our DAYS WILL BE A CELEBRATION.

God I am thankful for the wonderful life you have blessed me with. Does anyone else ever have those totally crappy days when you cannot get control of all those emotions. Thank you for being on this site. God bless all of you. Shirley

Comments

  • paul61
    paul61 Member Posts: 1,391 Member
    #2
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    Living each day to the fullest is the right idea!!!!
    Shirley,

    I think the Christmas holiday is a particularly difficult holiday for many of us. It is a traditional holiday of family, gratitude, and happiness. Those feelings are often in stark contrast to where we find our emotions as survivors and caretakers. We catch ourselves looking back to happy carefree holidays before we heard the dreaded diagnosis, or foreword to stark holidays were, potentially, someone we love is no longer with us.

    But I think it helps to remember that the real message of Christmas is one of hope and promise. One that says we are “spiritual beings” having a “physical experience” in this journey we call life.

    I think you have the right idea. Make every day a celebration.

    When I find myself in a “funk” because I have received bad news, or my post surgical issues are causing me pain, or affect what I can do; I ask myself the following question. “If today was the last day of your life, is this the way you would want to spend it?” If the answer is no; I do what I can to fix that. I think you are doing the same thing.

    I was once told that certain Buddhist spiritual masters in Tibet used to set their teacups upside down before they went to bed each night as a reminder that all life was impermanent. And then, when they awoke each morning, they turned their teacups right side up again with the happy thought, 'I'm still here!' This simple gesture was a wonderful reminder to celebrate every moment of the day."

    Although only God knows the number of our days, if we live each day to the fullest, knowing is not important.


    Best Regards,

    Paul Adams
    McCormick, South Carolina

    DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 Stage IIB
    12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
    2/8 through 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
    6/21/2010 CT Scan NED

    Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
  • Donna70
    Donna70 Member Posts: 852 Member
    #3
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    paul61 said:

    Living each day to the fullest is the right idea!!!!
    Shirley,

    I think the Christmas holiday is a particularly difficult holiday for many of us. It is a traditional holiday of family, gratitude, and happiness. Those feelings are often in stark contrast to where we find our emotions as survivors and caretakers. We catch ourselves looking back to happy carefree holidays before we heard the dreaded diagnosis, or foreword to stark holidays were, potentially, someone we love is no longer with us.

    But I think it helps to remember that the real message of Christmas is one of hope and promise. One that says we are “spiritual beings” having a “physical experience” in this journey we call life.

    I think you have the right idea. Make every day a celebration.

    When I find myself in a “funk” because I have received bad news, or my post surgical issues are causing me pain, or affect what I can do; I ask myself the following question. “If today was the last day of your life, is this the way you would want to spend it?” If the answer is no; I do what I can to fix that. I think you are doing the same thing.

    I was once told that certain Buddhist spiritual masters in Tibet used to set their teacups upside down before they went to bed each night as a reminder that all life was impermanent. And then, when they awoke each morning, they turned their teacups right side up again with the happy thought, 'I'm still here!' This simple gesture was a wonderful reminder to celebrate every moment of the day."

    Although only God knows the number of our days, if we live each day to the fullest, knowing is not important.


    Best Regards,

    Paul Adams
    McCormick, South Carolina

    DX 10/22/2009 T2N1M0 Stage IIB
    12/03/2009 Ivor Lewis
    2/8 through 6/14/2010 Adjuvant Chemo Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU
    6/21/2010 CT Scan NED

    Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

    Shirley stay strong but let it out
    Shirley,
    Like others have said Christmas has its moments esp when you have someone sick and you wonder when is the last Christmas. I am sure all of us have these moments. I know I had a bad time after Thanksgiving when I got severe neck pain and thought maybe the cancer was in my bones. Well I ruptured a disk in my neck and who would have thought that was good news but it was because it was not cancer. But I felt devastated before I knew what it was. You are entitled to those moments and times but as your sister so wisely told you, no one knows when their last day or Christmas season is here. Better not to worry and enjoy all your moments with John and you are getting good results from his treatment. I like your idea about leaving a tree and celebrating every holiday and every day celebrating John is still here. Ron and I many times this Christmas season have rejoiced that this was so much better than post op last year. take care and stay strong!!
    Donna70
  • sal314
    sal314 Member Posts: 599 Member
    #4
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    I Can Relate
    I had similar thoughts about my father this Christmas. And I know my mother is having such a terrible time looking past what will happen in the future and life without him. I think it's normal to grieve as you go so-to-speak. And I think it's healthy and necessary to let yourself feel whatever "negative" feelings you have. It's ok to "visit" them....it's not ok to live in them"!

    Your sister is very wise. None of us know when our last day will be. We could get hit by a bus, die in a car crash, what have you. Life is uncertain. What is certain is that we all will die. So, if you make peace with God about that, you are able to rejoice and live for TODAY! I think that''s the one blessing cancer gives people...the CLARITY of living in the right here and now.

    So...make the most of today. And if you feel a little sad...it's ok, feel it and move forward:)

    Blessings,
    Sally

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