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while the bathwater runs

immbeloved's picture
Posts: 37
Joined: Oct 2010

thanksgiving thru christmas is always busy and fun for me and this year was no exception, hosting family and friends for parties and dinners, shopping, wrapping, decorating, etc. as it is for most women.
it was easy to pretend everything was normal. this morning i hugged my mother goodbye before i left for chemo and she returned home to missouri.i was especially groggy during my 6 hrs. of infusions, either from the benadryl and decadron or the chemo itself, or both. i felt hopeless waiting in the little room for the doctor and unable to pretend i wasn't a cancer patient.
after getting home i got in my big bathtub and just broke down while the water ran. the sound helps drown out the awful sounds and then i can continually wash my face at the end of the crying jag.
i can come back to this supportive forum and express my feelings, even though my himilayan cat chose to come sit in my lap and i have my laptop restin on the arm of the recliner.
my mom made a pot of chicken and dumplins before she left so at least supper is done.
new years has never been a big deal for me amd i usually have my trees and lights put away by now but not this year, maybe this weekend as ia am hooked up until thursday with mu 5fu pump. everytime i hear the hum of the pump giving me a dose my mind interprets the sound as "cancer". i just keep the t.v. on.
i have my first post-chemo scan next week, dreading more bad news. i know many of you can relate. hair falling out, hands feeling weird, mouth tender, tired.

oh well, happy new year. God bless us everyone.


Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6715
Joined: Feb 2009

You are not alone with your emotions. We have those feelings and need to let them out one way or another. Pounding my fists on the floor was a good way for me. Got a lot of my pent up energy out of course crying was part of it too. Glad you had a good holiday season. I'm leaving all my Christmas decorations up until the 9th when the Catholic church officially ends the Christmas Season. My favorite time of year. Hated the dreaded pump too. A pillow always was on top of mine - very little noise that way. Hoping that your scan goes well. Happy New Year


Buzzard's picture
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

But we also have to think that this will be the year that great strides in the cancer industry will be made and that in all of us comes the hope that it will be the year of "The Cure"...Remember, with all the dread and emotional mix that goes along with this is the fact that so along moves the medical field as does the Drs and scientists wealth of knowledge. This in fact gives us the possibility that no matter what Stage or in what shape we are in the possible complete recovery from this, and that is what we soundly base our emotions on... To some it may sound ludicrous but only to the ones that have not traveled in our footsteps. We know how cancer works, we also know how we work, we are our own greatest surgeons, our own greatest Oncologists, our own greatest survival experts, and we have to insure a steadfast ideaology that this will end in a victory for each ones battle.
Not to say that releasing emotion is not a good thing.by all means it is, and should be done on a regular basis in my opinion. This keeps the pent up resentment , anger, and terror of the disease at bay. You should though allow your caregivers to know that this is the reasoning for the tears, that its only a release to allow you to feel better about things, and actually its the truth. It allows them to be ok with you venting, knowing that it helps you feel better, and they should be allowed to as well.
The basic thing here I want to weld into you is that we all have our moments, and all of them are sincere, but as soon as they are over, be refreshed that we are still here, and never quit planning for the future. Don't live day to day, live forever and ever, and let the small stuff take care of itself. Don't let us hug our loved ones to tight just because you think that you may not be here next year, hug em tight because you love em, and tell em so...and let em know that you will be here forever, it gives us and them a renewed sense of life and the thinking that we really will be around forever, and most of us will. But, focus on all the good in your life and treat it as such...I have spoken with some of your kin and I know that there is a zeal for life in your entire family tree...Live that way.....its ok to be sick on chemo days, its ok to puke and gag on days following, been there done that, its also allowable for you to "show out" when the sick passes, its part of your genetic makeup, it represents who you are, it shines through you to everyone you come in contact with. Use it to make yourself and others enjoy everyday of your life as well as theirs, cause when its all said and done, its a simple matter of if you enjoyed the life that was given to you and did you take full advantage of the gifts we are suppose to share in life with our fellow man..If we have done this, then we have succeeded and won in all aspects of our lives...love to you, yours, and everyone elses :).......Clift

karguy's picture
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

You are not alone with your feelings,I think most of us have been thru that,and understand how you feel.When you hear the pump,you should think of the cancer dieing making the noise.When I started to lose my hair,I went to the barbers,and had them cut it all off,and just wore a hat.I hope your scan goes well,don't think about bad news,you already got that,just think good news.We are here any time you want to vent.Good luck,and happy new year.

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