I'm new to this and need someone or something....

taterwinkle Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
My name is Misty. I watched my father lose his battle with kidney cancer. He recently passed away 10/01/2010, in my home. He was diagnosed with cancer November 2009. Dec 23 2009 we found out it was stage four renal cell carcinoma. He was the strongest man I have ever known. I was responsible for his funeral arrangements because I was the only one financially secure enough to take care of things and my mother just wasn't in the right frame of mind. I even gave an eulogy. He a a beautiful service, a military service with taps and a 21 gun salute. He passed away 3 months shy of his 54th birthday.

I had to have a clear head to make arrangements and quickly became numb. The numbness is finally wearing off and I just don't know what to do with myself. Christmas(yesterday) felt like just another day, in spite of the snow.

I can't sleep without having nightmares of him gasping for air, the look in his eyes and how he suffered greatly. He didn't deserve to die like that. He put up a fight even though the doctors gave him a 13% chance of surviving.

I have to get these emotions out and don't know how or what to do. I can't turn to family,because they have their own grief. Everyone I know knows my Dad and they are all suffering because he was such a great, simple man.

Please share how you have been coping and how I can get this pain out of me!


  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    Getting Through This
    First, I am truly sorry for your loss. I wish I could tell you there is a quick fix to this grieving process. Lost my 56 yr old husband in June 2010 to a brain cancer, and I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about everything he went through. I grab onto any help I can find. I attend one-on-one counseling,and will start a widow's support group this January. Counseling has been helpful because you get to express all the feelings you can't say to family and friends. You just have to go with your feelings. You obviously loved your dad and took care of him when he needed you the most...no easy task. I am told things will get easier with time and I believe this.
    Peace to you and your family,
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    Pain will go away
    Sorry you lost your dad. It's never easy no matter what. I lost my husband in March and still have visions of his last minutes. It was a sudden, horrible death and I will never forget it. But if you aren't seeing a counselor, think about it. I went to see one in March and went every 2 weeks. It's 9 months now and I still see her once a month. It helps so much just to talk to someone. I'm also on meds which have been decreased and hope to be off completely in spring.
    I had lost both my parents, my mom right before Christmas in 89 and my dad, right after Christmas in 90. And now this year was the first one without my husband. Glad the holidays are over.
    It takes time to get over this stuff, so we have to cry when we feel like it and try to remember all the happy times we had with them.
    Hope I helped you a little!!! You'll never forget, but it does get better.
    Hang in there!! "Carole"
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    your dad
    Your dad was blessed to have you for a daughter and I'm sure he knew that, Misty.

    You must take care of yourself now. Please understand what you are going through is not unusual for a daughter close to her father. The painful memories will fade and be replaced with the good ones you have of your father during happier days. Unfortunately, it won't be overnight, or, at least, it shouldn't be if you are allowed to grieve the loss of your father properly.

    Find an individual counselor or talk to your minister: attend a grief support group or start one of your own. These are all important tools for your use during the time.

    Nightmares: although these should fade as your new normal kicks in, if they become debilitating (too little sleep to function safely the next day), talk to your physician about medication to help with this. Some people truly need this help to get past the initial stages.

    Finally, remember this is so normal,TW. Grieving is part of the human experience. You can't really run from it successfully, so incorporate it, in healthy ways, in how you live your life. Talk about your dad, share with others.

    You will get through this. Hugs to you, Misty.
  • mkafraser
    mkafraser Member Posts: 1
    I hear you!!
    Misty, I lost my mother on October 13th this year as well, and was lucky enough to be with her at the time of her passing. Today seems to be a really hard day for me....this past year was so consumed with caring for my mother, dealing with the consequences of this disease on our whole family, and mostly with the sadness of trying to come to grips with the knowledge that I'm losing my mom. Being the last day of the year, I feel like starting a new year without her in my life is turning a new page in our family history, and it's without her. This just seems wrong and really overwhelmingly sad. How do you do it really is a big question!
    Really, is there anything else to do but hope that with time the overwhelming sadness that washes over you will begin to diminish? I know talking and keeping communication avenues open with your family and friends is important, but really time and the wonderful memories are all we can hope for to help us get through this time!
  • lilli1020
    lilli1020 Member Posts: 114
    I completely feel what you
    I completely feel what you are going through as far as the way your Dad and my husband died. For days, he was NOT my beloved mate, it hurt so much to see him dying, gasping for breath, the blank look in his eyes....it was just the most horrible thing for me to go through. I just hope and pray he didn't know what was going on or was in pain. I just don't know but I keep seeing it in my mind too and sooooo did not deserve what he went through. I guess to get throught this pain is to feel it first. Good luck.
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    Day by day, one foot in front of the other
    I am so sorry for your loss, your Dad sounded like a great man indeed.

    I am a 23 year surivor of cancer and even though you did not have the illness itself that doesn't matter because we all grieve the same loss - cancer takes something great from us all. Whether it be physically or emotionially it robs us of health or loved ones but for those grieving it can be conquered with time and through talking it out with those who have had experience with it all, like on this site. You will find a great deal of help from others who have travelled the road of grief you are travelling and lots of good advice will come.

    I would suggest too that you look for a good grief counsellor in your area as well. They can really help you through all the normal signs of grief that you will pass through like denial, anger, and the other phases. We all go through those stages and the trick is not to get stuck in any one of those phases for too long - a counsellor can help you with that. You will find through talking with people on this site that you are not alone in how you feel and that will help you a great deal, just in knowing that.

    There will be days when it's harder than others but you will get through with the help of this site and again a counsellor will be a good idea too. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but that certainly helped me as I struggled in spots with it all, and still do at times.

    Time does heal, things get put into perspective more and more as days go by, I promise you that but you could need some help along the way, as many of us do.

    Step by step, one foot in front of the other, day by day and you will be fine.

    Keep writing.