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My mums spirit

Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2010

Hi..My mom was diagnosed in March with stage 1 rectum cancer.She had a mass so she received radiation and chemo everyday for 2 months.The doctors were so positive they could fix it. Then a few months later around June she started with this cough...make a long horrible story short they found many huge masses in her lungs,pelvic area..and said there was no more they could do.no she wasnt a smoker either.So she died on October 29th the day before my little sisters 18th bday.for the past three nights I feel like my 2 little kids crawl in bed with me then i open my eyes and they arent there.Do you think Im dreaming or could it be my mum hugging me? Im so mad about this.Im cranky,miserable,I try to be happy for my kids and sometimes I can but then I just dont care or something..cant help it.I dont have anyone I can talk to. The worst part is I had to move to another state before she died..I visited her twice since august well once when she was still alive.But the worst is my dad and my sis are all the way in Florida(in my mums home she died in)and Im here in Massachusetts.Everyday I wake up and my chest feels so heavy.I try to think positive and thankful foy mt 2 little healthy ones but Im not happy and I feel guilty but Im pissed.Help me someone please..

z's picture
Posts: 1411
Joined: May 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is an awful disease. I lost my dad to esaphagal cancer, and now I have had anal and lung. I am fortunate that they were caught early. I think that you are grieving and its a process that you must go through. Your mom would want you to be happy and not guilty and carry on with her grand childrenI . There is a board for expressing your feeling of loss, on the CSN web site, I hope you will go there and share with others. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. Lori

Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2010

Hi Lori-
I know my mum would want me happy.I try.I tell myself this only part of the grieving process.It happened again last night..someone came right into my bed.

Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Hello Chickkidy - First, I want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It is difficult to lose a parent but I think the shock of her passing so quickly after diagnosis and treatment especially hearing the doctors said they could treat her must have been a shock. This disease absolutely suc whks and I hate it. One never knows where it will rear its ugly head again or how. I finished chemo and radiation mid August and had a scan end of October hoping that the tumor was gone. He was markedly smaller but unfortunately it appears to be resistant and still there. My oncologist said to me "this cancer is 90-95% treatable and cure-able. Ah, so am I in the 5% where it is not? We never know with this diagnosis what will befall us. My heart aches for you and my heart aches for what your mom had to go through. Being alone in Massachusetts probably does not help much either as it also appears your siblings and family is in another state? - do you have any close friends you can talk to? My brother is in NJ but I turn to him when things get tough (both our parents are gone and he is my only sibling, also fighting cancer).

What you are going through is grieving - and part of those feelings are sadness and anger. Why do you feel guilty? I don't know if you are dreaming or not but I think our minds help us cope when we need to cope and give us comfort when we need that. I tend to believe in God and heaven and prayers so who is to say your mom isn't comforting you, even in your dreams? Sometimes sadness lasts longer than it should and that is when it is wise to visit your doctor and explain your feelings. I have taken antidepressants for over 20 years for an anxiety disorder but I swear they have kept me from going over the deep end during my diagnosis and treatment and now whatever I have to face in the future. Sometimes all we need is time and a little help and a good support system. This forum also was a good support system so come in here and 'talk' if that makes you feel better. Take care. Marilyne

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