New Traditions........

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hope0310
hope0310 Member Posts: 320
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Most know my story, lost my mom to SCLC 9/23, just dx 3/1. Lost my mother in law to EC 10/24, dx late June.

Holidays are coming. My family ALWAYS got together at mom's, husbands family never had anything....Plus the fact mom's bday is Nov 27th.

I have 2 boys..17 and 21, we need to create our own new traditions, but it is hard and painful this year. Husband wants to have Thanksgiving at our house and invite his estranged family...that really is what it is except his dad. I do not know that I am up to that, the holidays are MY lose more so than his. (sorry if that sounds bad).

Obviously I will be doing something due to the boys, but almost thought of getting a mountain cabin and having a ski holiday or something. Or at least something simple and quiet. My stepdad wants to lay low and my brother is undecided. Other than my Mimi who is 85 in nursing home....that is us...

Any thoughts suggestions or ideas on what to do and how to handle the other side of family would be appreciated!!

Be good to yourself,
Elysia

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  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
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    so much hard work
    Your husband and kids have been through all of this with you, so have you called a family meeting to discuss it? One thing none of them would really understand is the amount of work involved in putting on a Thanksgiving dinner! Do you have the energy for that?

    Last Thanksgiving a family friend arranged for us to have a table at his country club, which was great because it was so quiet and private. Not trying to sound elitist, but Mom was barely mobile with cancer/chemo complications, and she managed to participate because it was so easy.

    I think a ski holiday sounds great. Before my father died, my family often had Thanksgiving gumbo at the beach. Your boys will soon be going their own ways with their lives, so maybe it's YOUR family time that can't be recaptured. Be with them, have some quiet family fun.
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #3
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    Barbara53 said:

    so much hard work
    Your husband and kids have been through all of this with you, so have you called a family meeting to discuss it? One thing none of them would really understand is the amount of work involved in putting on a Thanksgiving dinner! Do you have the energy for that?

    Last Thanksgiving a family friend arranged for us to have a table at his country club, which was great because it was so quiet and private. Not trying to sound elitist, but Mom was barely mobile with cancer/chemo complications, and she managed to participate because it was so easy.

    I think a ski holiday sounds great. Before my father died, my family often had Thanksgiving gumbo at the beach. Your boys will soon be going their own ways with their lives, so maybe it's YOUR family time that can't be recaptured. Be with them, have some quiet family fun.

    Ditto!

    Ditto!
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #4
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    I can only share my
    I can only share my experiences. My mom lives in another state and I have spent most of the summerflying to visit her. I AM TIRED! We usually go to my in laws for Thanksgiving, but I have told hubby I am not feeling like traveling. No problem; they are coming here. Secondly my father in law is atheist, which is no problem as all are welcomed, but he goes into drunken anti Christian and anti religious loud rants during most Thanksgivings and Christmas' Solution: we are going out to eat and everyone is paying for their own meal. It takes pressure off of me and I am not denying hubby of seeing his family. For some reason father is usually better behaved in public. One year we went on A cruise for Thanksgiving. I have been extremely blunt with my husband as to what I can and can not due because I don't want to get sick and he has listened and we come up with an alternative way to handle the holiday. Ease up on yourself. Even Martha Stewart went out for Dinner last Thanksgiving. She had people over for XMas. Maybe take everyone over to his parents? Then you don't have the responsibility of hosting and hubby can spend time with his family. Take 2 cars and then you can leave when you get tired of the scene. That was my mom's strategy when my dad's relatives started getting loud and drinking.

    Additionally, my grandma used to tell me that everyone has fun during the holidays except the women and the turkey. That is why my new tradition is to make reservations and I have done that about 7 yrs now for Thanksgiving. It is harder to find restaurants that are open for Xmas. This has spiritually released me and now I have a greater appreciation for the holidays.

    PS look at the post "It's So lonely". All of the caregivers hare having the same concerns about the holidays and some list their strategies for dealing with them.
  • hope0310
    hope0310 Member Posts: 320
    #5
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    ketziah35 said:

    Ditto!

    Ditto!

    Thanks for the thoughts and
    Thanks for the thoughts and ideas.

    I really do not mind doing a small dinner, but just for US, not the husbands family. That sounds wrong, but I have been through so much.....like I said my family always had a tradition, his did nothing, so why do I have to pull them in on this difficult year? I know his dad is alone now having lost his wife, but.....

    The fact that it will not be at my mom's is change enough, I do not want to add to it. Even though my boys are older, I still know how hard this is going to be on them. I think they would feel invaded during this time if others were there. (btw..will be married 7 yrs this weekend, so when I refer to my husbands family, they really are not grandparents to my kids, never have been).....

    Time is ticking, I need to resolve this instead of stressing and obsessing....have had enough of that this year.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #6
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    hope0310 said:

    Thanks for the thoughts and
    Thanks for the thoughts and ideas.

    I really do not mind doing a small dinner, but just for US, not the husbands family. That sounds wrong, but I have been through so much.....like I said my family always had a tradition, his did nothing, so why do I have to pull them in on this difficult year? I know his dad is alone now having lost his wife, but.....

    The fact that it will not be at my mom's is change enough, I do not want to add to it. Even though my boys are older, I still know how hard this is going to be on them. I think they would feel invaded during this time if others were there. (btw..will be married 7 yrs this weekend, so when I refer to my husbands family, they really are not grandparents to my kids, never have been).....

    Time is ticking, I need to resolve this instead of stressing and obsessing....have had enough of that this year.

    A thought
    Could you have your new tradition-making dinner with immediate family on Thanksgiving day and then have extended family (hubs family) the next day or at some point through the weekend?

    Tough situation, but after everything you've been through - you can get through this. Hang in there.

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