Just a little tired of being a trooper (long rant)
Comments
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Jennifer, You certainly do
Jennifer, You certainly do not have to be happy all the time. You never have to be fake here. Say what ever you feel. It helps to get it out. It is all normal.. I have my Husband and sister to talk to. Do you have one or two people that you can tell just how you feel? You have been through a tremendous time in your life. I think you have to be sad or mad or scared some times to get through this. I know you want to be strong for your kids. But you need a release for you emotions. There is nothing wrong with it. I just had a right side mastectomy on the 1st of Nov come home on the 2ND and I have to say I don't have the pain I though I would have.. I am up and around. Some things I can't do ( Lifting ). I take my pain meds. We will all get through this together. I know we are connected be the Internet but I am real and I am here for you. Take care Kay0 -
Me, too!!!!
I was and am pissed off!!! How DARE something disrupt my life so negatively, and so permanently!!!!!
But, to use my fav expression "It is what it is". Not too many alternatives but to go on living...
Don't think you need to be a 'suzie sunshine' around us...we all have our 'happy faces' down....
Hugs, Kathi0 -
You've had a tough year so
You've had a tough year so far. Look at the facts, no wonder you're at the end of your rope. Soon it will be over and your hair will start coming back in if it hasn't already, nice curly hair. Don't be afraid to tell your doc how you're feeling and don't be afraid to use some prescribed medicinals to help see you through this last hurdle. Also, be aware of the symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), and let your doc know if you are experiencing the symptoms. You don't have to use any mask here, just say it like it is, even if that feeling is just for a little while. Happy, sad or pissed off, whenever you need to express yourself. Once Wed is done it's all about healing and accepting all that's happened. Emotionally and physically. You are so important, do whatever you need to do to heal from this trauma. I'm sure it will all go well Wed, we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers,
hugs
jan0 -
Jennifer, I am so sorry that
Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You story sounds similar to mine. In 1987, I was diagnosed with Stage 3A and Katherine, my daughter, was just 4. Ended up having 2 mastectomies (not at same time), chemo, radiation, tamoxife. At the time, I just sort of withdrew from anyone who wasn't my cheerleader and I bluntly told my loved ones that I only wanted to hear happy stories. Some of the biggest boo hooers became the most positive. But that was ok--that was all I could handle right then.
I felt like I had to take care of Katherine first and foremost. 23 yrs later and I am still not cured, but I am still fighting. So hang in there! You have every right to be scared, sad and pissed off. And sometimes you will cry in front of your kids and that is ok too. But know that you can get through it. We are here to encourage you and surround you with cyberhugs and give you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.0 -
Botton line it isnt fair orCypressCynthia said:Jennifer, I am so sorry that
Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You story sounds similar to mine. In 1987, I was diagnosed with Stage 3A and Katherine, my daughter, was just 4. Ended up having 2 mastectomies (not at same time), chemo, radiation, tamoxife. At the time, I just sort of withdrew from anyone who wasn't my cheerleader and I bluntly told my loved ones that I only wanted to hear happy stories. Some of the biggest boo hooers became the most positive. But that was ok--that was all I could handle right then.
I felt like I had to take care of Katherine first and foremost. 23 yrs later and I am still not cured, but I am still fighting. So hang in there! You have every right to be scared, sad and pissed off. And sometimes you will cry in front of your kids and that is ok too. But know that you can get through it. We are here to encourage you and surround you with cyberhugs and give you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Botton line it isnt fair or right but as Kathi said it is what it is! (I have that sign in my house) sometimes I get overwhelmed by the enormity of this diagnosis. It just "hits" you. I find I need more alone time now. I dont think negativity has a place in our lives. So any negative people dont have room in my life.
I too had young children at time of my first diagnosis, 8months and 3 years. this makes it painful. but it gets better.0 -
I was expecting a long rant!
I was expecting a long rant! Yours was a short and normal rant! Most of us could have signed our names to your post. Our circumstances may not be identical, not our surgeries nor our family situations~ but we have ALL been touched by the BC Beast and the emotional toll? We know it all too well. The fear, the having to be brave, the no crying in front of the kids, the thank yous to friends and strangers who hug us...we all own the same feelings you do. Some days it is all too much!!!!!
My favorite quote? "We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do."
We are with you every step of the journey to Life Without Cancer~ vent, cry, whine, laugh~ however you are feeling at any given moment is safe in here!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Chen I used your quote whenchenheart said:I was expecting a long rant!
I was expecting a long rant! Yours was a short and normal rant! Most of us could have signed our names to your post. Our circumstances may not be identical, not our surgeries nor our family situations~ but we have ALL been touched by the BC Beast and the emotional toll? We know it all too well. The fear, the having to be brave, the no crying in front of the kids, the thank yous to friends and strangers who hug us...we all own the same feelings you do. Some days it is all too much!!!!!
My favorite quote? "We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do."
We are with you every step of the journey to Life Without Cancer~ vent, cry, whine, laugh~ however you are feeling at any given moment is safe in here!
Hugs,
Chen♥
Chen I used your quote when someone said I was brave. I find the word comforting when it comes from someone close to me who has seen what I went through, or you guys who read it and experienced a version yourself. But when it is a platitude, I dont like it. So I just said "you do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do" I am concerned about work, its a pretty demanding place, some will get it and others dont.
My rads onc said that there was no way to make anyone understand, and just to advocate for myself.0 -
I can absolutely see how thecarkris said:Chen I used your quote when
Chen I used your quote when someone said I was brave. I find the word comforting when it comes from someone close to me who has seen what I went through, or you guys who read it and experienced a version yourself. But when it is a platitude, I dont like it. So I just said "you do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do" I am concerned about work, its a pretty demanding place, some will get it and others dont.
My rads onc said that there was no way to make anyone understand, and just to advocate for myself.
I can absolutely see how the quote could be misconstrued by some~ and I also know that you and the other Kindred Spirits here "get it." You may recall that the quote is from the movie The Great Debaters, and the group of Black students featured really did have to do a lot and go through a lot to be able to succeed...of course it wasn't always easy, and sometimes it was downright demeaning.
In here, of course, (if we have so chosen) we have surgery, chemo, radiation, s-e's, emotional issues as well as physical, not to mention work and family. But we do what WE have to do, so we can do what WE want to do! Some of us want to "simply" beat cancer, some of us want to play with our grandbabies, or see our daughters get married, or keep our jobs so we don't lose our homes. We have our own blanks to fill in, don't we? And yet, inspite of it all, or maybe because of it all~ we are strong and united for each other! And for that, I am forever grateful. Thanks so much for your insight and perspective, I value it and you!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
so sorry
Overwheming I am sure....! thinking of you0 -
Feel Free to Vent
Jennifer:
You deserve a good vent (or cry). Put your happy mask on when you're ready but never apologize for feeling overwhelmed or be afraid to vent or show your feelings. At times we all need our space - even from well-meaning friends and family. You've been through a lot but you've survived. You are a fighter - a warrior. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have all kinds of emotions going on. HOWEVER - don't waste too much time feeling bad about things. You've come this far - you'll go the distance. You'll do it for your kids, for yourself and just because you can.
(((HUGS)))
Skipper0 -
I was wondering CypressCypressCynthia said:Jennifer, I am so sorry that
Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You story sounds similar to mine. In 1987, I was diagnosed with Stage 3A and Katherine, my daughter, was just 4. Ended up having 2 mastectomies (not at same time), chemo, radiation, tamoxife. At the time, I just sort of withdrew from anyone who wasn't my cheerleader and I bluntly told my loved ones that I only wanted to hear happy stories. Some of the biggest boo hooers became the most positive. But that was ok--that was all I could handle right then.
I felt like I had to take care of Katherine first and foremost. 23 yrs later and I am still not cured, but I am still fighting. So hang in there! You have every right to be scared, sad and pissed off. And sometimes you will cry in front of your kids and that is ok too. But know that you can get through it. We are here to encourage you and surround you with cyberhugs and give you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I was wondering Cypress Cynthia what you mean by still not cured. I also have Stage3A. Did you have a recurrance? Sorry if I missed it on another post.
Thanks,
Wanda0 -
Glad You're Ranting!
All your feelings are normal and understandable! You shouldn't feel bad, weak or guilty for feeling what you're feeling...whatever those feelings are!! The more honest you are to yourself and others about what you're going through, the better you will be able to handle the situation and the less you will feel out of control.
I know it's scary, but you've come so far! You are a strong woman and will make it through the next phase! One step at a time. You can do it!!
Blessings,
Sally0 -
you can always say what is on your mind
This is the place to express all of the things that most people really don't have a clue about.
I am sorry you are going through so much, and it is so hard to put on the happy face.
My therapist told me, "fake it, till you make it." But as we all know, that is easier said than done.0 -
OMG Jenlizzie17 said:you can always say what is on your mind
This is the place to express all of the things that most people really don't have a clue about.
I am sorry you are going through so much, and it is so hard to put on the happy face.
My therapist told me, "fake it, till you make it." But as we all know, that is easier said than done.
I am feeling same way...I had lumpectomy June 30th... Margins not clear...Last TCH chemo November 16...Then herceptin...uuuggghhh...
I do not even feel like writing about it...I am scheduled for a mastectomy DEC. 13...
I feel like you were writing about me...0 -
I can so relate....Diagnosedsohardbnme said:OMG Jen
I am feeling same way...I had lumpectomy June 30th... Margins not clear...Last TCH chemo November 16...Then herceptin...uuuggghhh...
I do not even feel like writing about it...I am scheduled for a mastectomy DEC. 13...
I feel like you were writing about me...
I can so relate....Diagnosed Triple Negative stage 2, grade 3. Started chemo in August, one left :-). Next up, bilateral (hmm, I think that's what you call both) masectomy w/ reconstruction and 2 level lymph node removal Dec 14 , then rads starting sometime in Jan. Sometimes people just don't get it. "You're doing so much better than anyone expected"---what I was going to lay down and die? But it does get hard to put on a happy face and go out and work with clients or even visit with friends and family. Expecially when you face dumb questions--if you're doing chemo how come you lost your eyebrows, but not the hair on your head. It's a wig, stupid. But of course can't say that, have to be nice. Or how about "You look great, I can't believe you are doing chemo". Maybe I'm just being touchy, because most of the time I don't feel like a look great...especially on those days where my brain isn't working right and my feet feel like two blocks of wood. Ok, so I'm whining. I think I've finally come to the point where I will allow myself a little bit of complaining.
One thing I do appreciate is the people who are including me in their prayers and the great people I work with (mostly) who ask if there is something they can do to help or tell me they think maybe I need to go home and rest. AND everything I've learned from this discussion board!
Just needed to vent...and it's wonderful to know that others feel the same way!
Thank you all!0 -
Yes, I had a recurrenceLighthouse_7 said:I was wondering Cypress
I was wondering Cypress Cynthia what you mean by still not cured. I also have Stage3A. Did you have a recurrance? Sorry if I missed it on another post.
Thanks,
Wanda
Yes, I had a recurrence after a very long remission (22 yrs).
In 2005, I broke 3-4 ribs. Since it was after Katrina and I had moved many boxes, we weren't sure if it was from that. I had PET scans, bone scans, markers drawn, etc--everything ok but definitely showing a ? problem in ribs.
In 2009, very persistent rib pain and had bone scan, PET scan and markers again this time all abnormal. Finally, on April 1, 2009, I had 2 rib biopsies and both were the same old breast cancer that I had in 1987! Luckily, I had been on boniva and evista for the fractures and, I believe, those therapies probably kept the cancer somewhat at bay from 2005-2009.
Doing fine now. I had a ER+ tumor and it seems to be responding again to arimidex and zometa.
Mine is a weird story, but I think for me cancer is a chronic disease like diabetes. At least, that is what I choose to believe ;-). I am planning on at least another 23 yrs!0 -
P.S.CypressCynthia said:Jennifer, I am so sorry that
Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You story sounds similar to mine. In 1987, I was diagnosed with Stage 3A and Katherine, my daughter, was just 4. Ended up having 2 mastectomies (not at same time), chemo, radiation, tamoxife. At the time, I just sort of withdrew from anyone who wasn't my cheerleader and I bluntly told my loved ones that I only wanted to hear happy stories. Some of the biggest boo hooers became the most positive. But that was ok--that was all I could handle right then.
I felt like I had to take care of Katherine first and foremost. 23 yrs later and I am still not cured, but I am still fighting. So hang in there! You have every right to be scared, sad and pissed off. And sometimes you will cry in front of your kids and that is ok too. But know that you can get through it. We are here to encourage you and surround you with cyberhugs and give you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
That is "baby" Katherine in the photo with me--now 28 yrs old ;-)0 -
You got to let it outmidnight10 said:I can so relate....Diagnosed
I can so relate....Diagnosed Triple Negative stage 2, grade 3. Started chemo in August, one left :-). Next up, bilateral (hmm, I think that's what you call both) masectomy w/ reconstruction and 2 level lymph node removal Dec 14 , then rads starting sometime in Jan. Sometimes people just don't get it. "You're doing so much better than anyone expected"---what I was going to lay down and die? But it does get hard to put on a happy face and go out and work with clients or even visit with friends and family. Expecially when you face dumb questions--if you're doing chemo how come you lost your eyebrows, but not the hair on your head. It's a wig, stupid. But of course can't say that, have to be nice. Or how about "You look great, I can't believe you are doing chemo". Maybe I'm just being touchy, because most of the time I don't feel like a look great...especially on those days where my brain isn't working right and my feet feel like two blocks of wood. Ok, so I'm whining. I think I've finally come to the point where I will allow myself a little bit of complaining.
One thing I do appreciate is the people who are including me in their prayers and the great people I work with (mostly) who ask if there is something they can do to help or tell me they think maybe I need to go home and rest. AND everything I've learned from this discussion board!
Just needed to vent...and it's wonderful to know that others feel the same way!
Thank you all!
The pent up emotions are not healthy, everyone has to find a outlet. It's ok to cry even (troopers) soldiers cry. Then they rise up and go kick butt. Hang in there you will come thru.0 -
To all my fellow 'Warrior' Sisters in PINK .. OMGms.sunshine said:You got to let it out
The pent up emotions are not healthy, everyone has to find a outlet. It's ok to cry even (troopers) soldiers cry. Then they rise up and go kick butt. Hang in there you will come thru.
I too just want to scream, holler and kick most days .. When is enough .. well, ENOUGH? LOL .. whether we cry, kick or scream .. we must put 1 foot in front of the other, otherwise can run the risk of falling down .. hahaha
I HATE breast cancer, and what it has done to me, my physical appearance!!! Not to mention my 'out look' on life.
Most importantly, if I hear my Mom say to me .. 1 more time to let go, and give it to God .. i may have to physcially shake her into silence. My mother has been quiet, living her own life, during my 14 month battle with this beast - afraid to get involved... so hence my reaction to her silliness. And 'no' praying to God, is not what is silly .. her ignorance of this Beast -- .. is what I consider silly - and uneducated. Her refusal to 'acknowledge' that this is my 3rd battle with the 'beast' at my very young age! Has she lived in another state during my 3 battles, no .. -- just 45 minutes away, which is not a far drive ..here in Southern California.
zen zen zen .. remember to breath, Vicki ... Ok, now that I finished my rant .. My motto, is ..
"I have breast cancer, Breast cancer does NOT have me."
Strength and Courage ... all you WARRIORS
Vicki Sam0
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