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Sometimes its just ok....

Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Well yesterday brought a new aspect of this widow thing to my doorstep....car accident...totally my fault...totally toasted the front end of my brand new car...its only a car.
But the silver lining to this is that immediately post wreck I swung into gear...insurance...towing...rental...DONE!
This would not have been me in the past...I would have been the boohooing female...fretting...crying...worried...etc..etc...and Bill would have done his best to calm me down saying all the right things...it would have been chaos...it wasn't.
What I think happened or has happened to me is that I have handled the worst possible thing a woman can ever go though....I watch a disease take my husband and was unable to do anything about it.....the man I loved and who loved me for over 30 yrs was taken from me...there is nothing that will ever be worse than that and so any little day to day issues that are part of life are minimized in their importance in the big picture.
I was and still am incredibly proud of myself but also today is bringing on a small wave of saddness....my drama queen persona had always been problematic in our marriage...sure he dealt with it..but it was not pretty sometimes....and I just hope that he sees how I have changed..he would be so happy...and right now it seems a little too late...he always wanted for me to just be content with myself and my life and I just could never get there...and now that it seems I have...he is not there for me to share it with...and that makes me sad.
Still ahead on my "to do" list is to get back to work.,....its mandatory for several reasons...mostly for my emotional health...my plan is to have that problem remedied by the new year.
Its all a work in progress....but for today I am in control and content with me....and I know that I didn't get here alone....I just know it!

Carolinagal's picture
Posts: 91
Joined: May 2010

My mom is experiencing the same feelings. My dad passed away in July, 9 days prior to their fortieth anniversary. We always joked that he kept her straight. So,to say that she is lost without him is an understatment. I'm sure your husband saw strength in you that you didn't know you had. I'm sorry it took something like this to make you realize it but he saw it all along and I'm sure he's proud of you. I'm proud of you too! Keep moving forward!

Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm proud of you, too, Pat. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but you are moving forward and that's a good thing.

Lots of hugs and pats on the back!

Hatshepsut's picture
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

Like you, it was not the norm for me to deal directly with many of the every-day crises in our life. My husband was there for me. He knew how shy I am and he stepped in to solve problems and lessen my anxieties. I had a demanding job and dealt with many difficult people at any given time, but somehow dealing with repair people and vendors gave me pause.

When he was sick, I took care of everything but, somehow, although he couldn't solve the problems himself, I found comfort in the fact that he was there cheering me on and giving me moral support.

Now, I'm alone and facing the reality that I have no choice but to address problems when they arise is pretty daunting. I do it but I hate it---especially dealing with some of the vendors who, I think, see widows as easy marks who can be sold any bill of goods. I also worry issues for a while before I actually step out of my comfort zone. That, of course, adds to my stress and I'm already on stress overload.

You sound like you are coping very well and finding your comfort in the fact that you can do what you need to do. Good for you.

Sorry that you had an accident, though.


Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

After Christmas, after the two youngest had really showed Don what kind of people they were (unfortunately), he said sadly that there wouldn't be anyone to take care of me. I said I could take care of myself. I'm doing that even though there are days when I'm not sure why.

I always said that when I retired, I was going to start a Rent-a-Husband business so that single women, widows and divorced women could hire a large, forceful man to deal with plumbers, garage mechanics and other people. I am fairly (and surprisingly) good in those situations, but from time to time I wouldn't mind having a somewhat hulking man to say, "Listen, buddy, I know that car doesn't need an oil float valve; in fact, there ain't no such thing as an oil float valve so just take care of the problem and don't mess around."

Friend of mine fell in the hospital parking lot on the way into work. The hospital kept sending a bill for her care in the ER even though it was a workman's comp accident. Her husband is large, teaches history, rides a Harley and has a soft, pussy-cat voice. After about the third bill he called the hospital and told the head of the billing dept. that he'd appreciate it if they didn't get anymore. He said, I'm just out of prison for murder and I'd like to stay calm and not have to come down and talk to you about it. The man instantly promised to take care of it, don't worry, you'll never see a bill again. A couple of days later he called back and said, Mr. Smith, I just talked to someone who knows you and he said you'd never been in prison. My friend's husband said, I lied.

Have as good a day as you can.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Pat
So happy to see your recent post. I miss seeing you here. So glad it was just the car that got hurt and not you! I am proud of you and for my mom. You have both done very well since your husband's have passed. I sense a lot more strength and independence from you. I am sure your husbands are very proud of you! Good luck getting back to work. It will do you a world of good to do so! As for me and my mom, she is having bypass surgery in her near future, all will be fine. She is in God's hands! Please add us to your prayer list. Keep up the good work and keep in touch. Love and hugs.
Tina in Va

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