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feeling very sad

tina dasilva's picture
tina dasilva
Posts: 644
Joined: Sep 2010

Today i'm feeling very sad. Jorge and I went to chemo today and met a lady who also had colon cancer and she had if removed, a month later the cancer returned full force to her liver and lungs. Her tumor marker is at 199. I feel so sad and my mind is running away on me and im thinking all of this bad things like life without him .

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

You shouldn't feel to sad for long,everyone is different.My brother died of cancer in 2008,january,and I was dx with cancer in march 2008,he lasted almost a year after dx, but I'm still here,and doing ok.Just be strong for him,and help him fight the cancer.We are here if you have any questions,and can help.What makes me sad is when I had to go to childrens hospital and see all those kids who are not going to live long,then I don't feel so bad for myself.I hope you feel better.

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

oh darling girl....I am so sorry you started out at chemo this way. Please don't....yes in the cancer game lots of people lose....here on the forum and all those you meet in hospital but that does NOT mean Jorge is going to ....he is young and you both CAN do this.

Tina try and elastic band on your wrist....every time you you get big huge black thoughts give the elastic a little snap and say to yourself STOP! I will not think big black thoughts....we can do this...

how did the chemo go for Jorge????

hugs
mags

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Tina,
God forbid that something should happen to the both of you at an early age but it is indeed a fact that someday and hopefully a longgg time, that all of us will be faced with the fact that one of us will go through the loss of their beloved spouse or loved one. It is ever so important in that case to make everything out of the time we do have here on this earth and not to dwell to much on the would of, could of, should of's . Yes, it is so kindhearted to think of others as most all of us do but we have to move on afterwards and not think about what could happen, we already have enough on our plates as it is. I look back and see how much time I wasted after my first diagnosis by griping and complaining and worrying about this and that when in reality I couldn't do one thing to change it..I simply decided to not try and think about the final score of the game, but to enjoy the innings played during it...thats what is the important part of all of this, what we do before the game is called , whether it is called for rain, fog, or even for winning it. Don't beat yourself up to bad, although it is legal to do so and sometimes necessary for venting purposes, it doesn't and shouldn't fit into your lives. Oh and BTW, he is still around so thats something to be very thankful and happy about......Love Hope and many many memories to you both...........Clift

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

just cheer up!

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

The bears didn't get you. Hope you are feeling a bit better for the short break. I know my week away fishing made me feel good,mentally,if not physically. The fish probably don't feel the same way, I boated over 30 metres of them for the week. I only kept an occassional one for a feed( mostly dusky flathead ,Platycephalus fuscus . They are only found in Australia ,good sport and delicious eating. They have a max legal size of 75cm ,my best was 87 cm). The memories will last till my next trip :) Ron.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

...that you are feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts, Tina.

After all, you are both just starting your journey with Cancer and have stepped off into a world full of Unknowns. We've all been there before and remember how it was for each of us.

Even after 6 years, my wife is just now really thinking of a life without me and I'm sure it scares her, I've seen her cry about it, so I know it's on her mind. But, we just take it one surgery, one treatment, one day at a time. That's the thing to do - just get through each day and before you know it, you're well on your way.

There is a lot to learn - there is much to experience with the Cancer process - and none of it is easy - you are busy growing in new directions now (the both of you) and quite frankly, sometimes growth is scary, especially with something like Cancer.

There are always going to be people that are sicker than one's self - and you just have to be grateful that you are both not there and that hope does look good for the both of you. Jorge has youth on his side and this will fare him well for the battles that are to come - the mental, physical, and perhaps the spiritual battle.

Recurrence is the toughest fight of all and Cancer can be relentless in its pursuit. Which is the reason you both must do everything you can do right now, while you have Cancer at the crossroads. If something were to ever come back....I've had 3 recurrences, you just would deal with it at that time - put the new gameplan together - and together both execute it to the best of your abilities. That's all the patient and caregiver on any team in this room can do, on any given day of our situation.

You're just getting started, so take note of everything, and feel and experience what comes to you and then stay with the business at hand. You both do that and you are taking back some control of your lives and that will help you in many ways. You will see - it will be ok and many folks are here for you...including me.

-Craig:)

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2120
Joined: Oct 2009

As a caregiver myself, I know full well the sadness you are experiencing but I want you to remember one thing, someone elses story is not your story. At the 1st or 2nd treatment of my George I met a lovey lady who crumpled down crying, a year before she was a Stage II and after surgery, nothing was needed and now she was going to start chemo, now a Stage IV in her liver, lungs, seems everywhere. She just didn't understand how this happened, she did all the right things. Sometimes it just happens.

Well, my George started out at Stage IV and you know what, here we are 18 months later and he is doing reasonably well, better than I ever expected. Sure we are scared of what life would be without them but right now, we have them, driving us nuts at times, but loving and thankful for each day.

If the other shoe drops we have no control over it, so I figure, enjoy today, tomorrow or whatever and worry about what might happen when it does happen.

Hope this makes sense.

Take care - Tina

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I am really sorry that chemo started this way. Every story is different + none of us knows exactly how our story will go. Some right here have had tumour markers in the 1000s + have had success with treatment. Try to focus on all the positives. Jorge is getting chemo now + hopefully will have a great response. This journey truly is one day at a time + often in three month chunks (between scans). I still have not had any surgery for my tumours; at first I was devastated, but when they discovered I had mets to my liver my surgeon's nurse said to me "if you had surgery now for the two primary tumours, the liver mets will grow because you couldn't have surgery for quite some time pre + post surgery. The chemo will work systemically on all parts of your body". I have had good response + have a good quality of life. The two primary tumours were non-detectable after just 4 chemo treatments.

Try to have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We really need to enjoy every day as much as we can. Sometimes we just want the cancer part to be over, rightfully so, but there is a lot of living to be had, even with cancer. I hope Jorge tolerated the chemo ok.

tina dasilva's picture
tina dasilva
Posts: 644
Joined: Sep 2010

Just to tell you guys this was Jorge's 5th chemo he started chemo on aug,14th ,2010. I thank god everyday that Jorge is well as for his chemo he got sick just once and that was because he didnt want to listen to me when i as him to take his pills but now he's better he listen's now.I also would like to tell you's that his tumor in his liver got smaller just after 3 chemos it was at 4.5cm now it's at 3.5cm .i dont know what came over me today. when we met this lady and she told us i saw something in jorge that worried me so much i didn't what to do or what to think. I would like to thank you guys again from the bottom of my heart it is you guys that make me fell better in this fight . i would like to wish you guys a very happy thanksgiving.

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov 2001

You never know what is around the corner with cancer ,and life. When I was dxd with stage 3 cc my surgeon told me I wouid not make it,too aggressive ,too many lymph glands. I said something rude to him and told him I don't die of cancer. He laughed and said I hope you are right. Next jan will be the end of year13 since ca. So far I have had no recourrance or developed any new cancers.We have to survive to survive. Who knows when the next new treatment will pop up. Until then hang in there ,live your lives,have a sad time but please balance it with some happy times,best wishes .Ron.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6528
Joined: Feb 2009

You have a treatment plan and it should make you feel hopeful that he is able to take his treatments. Try not to look at the negative, but the positive. Look at this treatment as one less he has to do. Treatment is no fun and where you go isn't either but he is still with you. We are here for you when you feel down. Somedays for you will be harder than others, but we are always here.

Kim

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

we have flathead here also although I don't think the dusky type. It tastes a lot like lobster to me...it is so good....and yes fishing is my "American Dream".....Good fishin to you also my friend..and sorry for the short post hi jack Tina....Buzz

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

I understand how you would feel sad about all this, but every case is different. You have to pray things will go so much better for your husband than that poor lady.

Hang in there!

*hugs*
Gail

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

I was given 4 to 6 months after being diagnosed in February of this year.
I gave away my beloved 1964 Bug, my two family Totems that I grew up with, all my valuable possessions (with the exception of my engagement ring, which I plan on wearing until I'm gone) went to those that I knew would care about them. I cried, I ranted, I raved, I cursed and prayed to God, often in the same sentence.
My "wake" video was made, a separate one for my children, husband and others close to me.
Turned out they were wrong, I'm still here, and will be for quite some time, and I'm NOT the least bit sad about it. My possessions I gave away, were meant to be with those that have them now. I get to see them enjoy them. I'm just darn happy I'm still here!!!
My CEA count was 2154, that's a pretty high tumor count. I have mets everywhere, but guess what, I still feel good, happy, gardening (I'm in California, just planted my beautiful winter flowers) my CEA is now 5.8.
Each and everyone of us is different, when I gave my onc's my thanks for his combo of chemo that has continued my life, and continued it with quality, he informed me, he was just along for the ride. And I realized, we're all here on earth along for the ride, I just hope we get to enjoy it for quite some time.
I guess what I'm saying is, have a little faith, sure the tears and bad thoughts will come, but let's all just sit back and enjoy this ride of life, and plan on being around a long time for the ups and downs.
Winter Marie

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