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Overwhelming fears

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

I know I said I have to go see my surgeon again. At first I was laughing at least it's not cancer related, but now the thought creeps in...what if it is? I've let this problem go for 3 years since it's just off an on. Alot can happen in 3 years. What if there is a blockage? The &*(*^*& fear is taking over today and yesterday I found myself in tears.

Just took a zanax. I hope it helps. Sometimes I really hate having to medicate, but freaking out is not good either. Hopefully I'll go to sleep soon and maybe have some really wierd dreams to occupy my mind.

At least when I drop my pants this time it's not a total stranger messing with me, since he's done all of my biopsies before. Have I said lately just how much I hate cancer?

Take care everyone.
Beth

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Beth,
Xanax is prescribed for anxiety, so don't feel bad about taking it. The less anxiety you have the better you can cope and deal with things. Calm mind, calm body. I'll keep positive thoughts that this is not cancer related. I'm pretty sure that once we have been diagnosed with cancer it's only normal to go to that place in our thinking that "EVERYTHING" new that crops up is somehow going to be cancer re-lated. How can we "Not" feel this way when we've been told NHL has such a high recurrence rate, plus no cure(as of yet)! You arn't re-acting any different than I would if I was in your shoes. Try to rest Beth, and put it at the back of your mind until you see your surgeon. I "HATE" cancer also...every day of the week! Hang in there friend!
Love...Sue

vinny59's picture
vinny59
Posts: 1032
Joined: Nov 2006

will be praying hard Beth! Positive thoughts!!!!!! Vinny

truckingalong
Posts: 444
Joined: Aug 2010

Beth,

I know how that is - I have had feelings -"oh, I take into everything into strides" and then suddenly, fear crept in then I lose all hope at the moment and felt depressed. I am taking Wellbutrin regularly and had done so for the last 7 years and truly appreciate its effectiveness. It helps me cry less, believe me but even with that, I still have emotions adjusting to this disease. I get angry when I question what makes it happen or do I have to keep chasing this off for the rest of my life. Your thoughts are normal! I find that doing yoga helps me. On good days, I go to yoga class.

My positive thoughts are with you,
Liz

merrywinner's picture
merrywinner
Posts: 627
Joined: Aug 2009

How are you doing this morning? I hope you were able to get some sleep. You hang in there. When do you have to go? Mary

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Yes, the zanax did the trick LOL, took a 3 hour nap and was feeling better when I got up. Sometimes I do really well, and others not so great. I go for the consultation Tuesday morning to find out what kind of test to run.

I am really praying for just CT, but figure it is most likely going to be a colonoscopy YUCK. I have tried to avoid that all costs, the first time I had one done was enough for me LOL. The only thing I know for sure is I can't keep going like I have been, it's definitely getting worse.

I hate basically volunteering for physical invasion of the behind LOL. That is one area I am very happy to keep private! HAHAHA Oh well whining is ok, it's just such a useless thing to do.

Thanks for the thoughts!

merrywinner's picture
merrywinner
Posts: 627
Joined: Aug 2009

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better and don't have to wait too long. I guess we will all have these bumps in the road but it doesn't make it any easier. I will say some prayers and keep my fingers crossed for you. Yes I understand it is certainly one of the more private areas to have to deal with but oh well what can you do? It reminds me of something I heard recently...I may not be a proctologist but I know an A$$hole when I see one. LOL,Think of that during all of this. Take good care. Mary

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3184
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Beth,
Glad the Xanax let you get a little nap in to clam your nerves. I'm not big on meds, but when it comes to getting a little "peace of mind" I'm all for it, when used as prescribed. Hubby had his first colonoscopy this year and said it will be his "LAST"...ha! His doc said "see ya in 5 years" and Steve said.."don't hold your breath"...ha! I reminded him of all the years of pap smears, and mammograms us women had to endure and that kind of shut up his whining. Good luck on Tuesday...I'll be thinking of you as I'm getting my 2nd infusion...UGH!
Love....Sue

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