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Anyone gone through denial?

Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I am now going through a period I call denial. I have been keeping so busy, I just push my grief to the side and think of other things. I remember last week....tears all day, taking to my bed....and just feeling the worst that I ever have. I know that I will go through that again, but I am so scared of it that I am just not dealing with reality right now. It will hit me again, and I really dread it. I am going to start counseling and group bereavement, so hopefully that will help me deal. Has anyone else done this? I just hope I don't completely fall apart from doing this.

Blessings, Gayle

Pennymac02's picture
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Dear Gayle,
We all grieve at our own pace. Life continues to go on, and reality is that bills still need to be paid, dishes done, life has to be lived. My grief experiance has been that it comes in waves; I'm crying, sad and grief stricken for a while, then I'm moving slowly forward but just feeling blue and sad. Then some thing sets me off and I'm an emotional mess. This seems to be normal for me; I don't think I'm the only one.

My sister called me from the grocery store a while back. She was paralyzed with grief in the paper goods isle. My mother only bought a certain brand of paper towels and tried to convert us both to buying the more expensive brand; it was a source of teasing and laughter at family get togethers. Anyway, my sister was hugging a pack of Viva Paper Towels in the store having a melt down about 6 months after Mom passed, and called me on her cell crying saying "Whats wrong with me?" I told her, "Nothing. I only buy Viva Towels now, too" We had a laughter through the tears moment. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. We deal with them as they come; some days are worse than others, but over time, it gets easier. I am learning to be more gentle with myself and to try not to have expectations of where I should be in this process.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Gayle, I wouldn't call this denial. I would call it coping. It sounds to me like you are dealing with your grief. You are doing many positive things like counseling and joining a grief group. You are keeping busy. You are crying. You are coming here. All of those things sound pretty normal to me, whatever normal is. You are coping with your grief in ways that work best for you. There is no right or wrong way. There are extremes, but you don't sound to me like you qualify for that. I think all of us have times when we question ourselves. That, too, is pretty ( and here is that word again) normal. The best we can do is the best we can do. Some days we deal better than others. Just keep on keeping on. Fay

Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Thanks guys! Next week I am going to pick up his ashes and meet his sisters for lunch. I am afraid this will trigger an emotional episode because I haven't seen any of them since the funeral. They all live 2 hours away, but we keep in close touch by email and phone. Oh well, it is what it is and they will be there to offer their shoulders. God bless, Gayle

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

You are perfectly normal. Sometimes I try telling myself he's only on a business trip and then I realize "who am I kidding" he'll never be home again. I miss him so darn much and I hate to think of gloomy days in winter that's when I'll really be sad. I'm still seeing a counselor and only go once a month now, but it's really helped me alot. Keep us posted on how you'r doing, ok? "Carole"

Posts: 1862
Joined: Aug 2010

My husband has just finished treatment for H&N cancer and even though we don't have the follow up PET scan, I have found myself doing the unthinkable - the "what if" scenarios. If Jim doesn't make it, it will be like this or I will feel like that.

One thing I know will be hard for me if I lose Jim to this - he has worked out of town on contract jobs for the past few years, coming home once a month while working - sometimes not working and being at home for six months - but still, the pattern established has been Jim leaving, being gone, coming home, repeating itself multiple times.

If the day comes that he is really gone, I know I will still feel like he is on an extended business trip and will be home soon, because I have been conditioned to this over the past few years. Even before that, he travelled extensively for work.

Hoping I don't have to face that, but knowing I will feel like you, Carole - "he is just on a business trip and will be back"...

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