Emotional Mess, Upcoming colonoscopy and other stuff

pluckey · September 2010

I'm 5 months post liver resection, feeling great, done with chemo since June.

- My first colonoscopy since 3/2009 DX is Wednesday. I f$@ng dread the prep. My hopsital presecribes half lightly,- the gallon of ****. Maybe I'll do the Home remedy posted here and see what happens

- Depressed- I have been having crying jags for the past two weeks- sooo not like me. When I get blue, I ususally snap out of it quickly and move on

- background: 2009 diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, spread to the liver. Lots of pain, lots of hospitilizations, ileostomy bag, 16 months of weekly chemo....My doctors weren't moving ahead with any plans besides chemo, but I knew the only hope for a possible cure/remission was surgery on my liver. I ended up travelling from chicago to Sloan Kettering in March 2010, for a liver reseection - 8 tumors removed. Post surgery chemo for 2 months, recent scan says no cancer, and here I am.

I KNOW I should be wearing a happy face each and every day because i defied the odds and am alive. And I am full of gratitude and love and light and thankfullness for everyone that prayed for me and helped me etc....but now it's back to reality...

back to bills, the fact that I lost my well-paying job, the hospital bills that I keep avoiding dealing with, the weight gain - I was anorexic during the worst of my illness and am now porked up beyond original weight -

the feeling of being soo lost, bored, useless.

My head knows that it's ok to feel what i feel, to go through the emotions of surviving a serious serious illness, coming out the other side, at least for now. With cancer, you always wait for the other shoe to drop. I just get in these emotional states and cry and cry and that is oooo unlke me..

Hormonal Imbalance? - I had an early menopause at 43, I am no 48. I am going to GYN next week for PAP and get orders for a Mammogram. I am FREAKING that I now have breast cancer as my boobs are swollen and tender- again, I've been dried up and eggless for a few years...

anyways, what whould be a good antidepressent to help take the edge off my blues and get me functioning better? I am so aimless and unproductive. I'm not sleeping all day by any means, but futzing...unfocused, can't stick to a damn thing.....

Sundanceh · September 2010

The Fallout
Dearest Peggy

You might try Xanax as an antidepressant - many of those types of drugs are a "hunt and peck" type of thing to find one that would work for you.

You know emotions can be suppressed and stuffed deep down inside of us as we're working our way through all of this stuff. Like a pressure cooker, eventually the "steam" has to escape as it builds up momentum. Maybe this is one of those cycles. You have been through quite a bit.

Tears are a great release at times and can keep us from boiling over. The body ususally does what it needs to do, despite our efforts to control it.

You've already touched on it - REALITY. That's the mess we have to clean up after we've fought the battles we've had to fight. It's all waiting there for each of us. Sometimes, it does not seem worth it, but it awaits each and everyone of us.

I'm sorry you've lost your job - that's my biggest motivator in my battle, is to keep employment, or we're sunk - I'll be staying with one of you guys, LOL:)

I've been on the shelf here and I don't get alot of callers and nobody comes by, so it can get boring at times, but I deal with it, and try to occupy my time and do my exercise and continue recup. Now, unfortunately, I've got to start the chemo/rad regimen, so at least I'll be busy, LOL:)

As for the other shoe, it is a permanent resident inside each one of us - it's the thing that we think about all the time...just reading the board tells us that. If we're honest, that's what we're thinking - if we are putting on bravado, or talking tough all the time, then we're only fooling ourselves, but not each other.

I think you'll look back as each day goes by, and this all will have passed behind you. You've cleared major hurdles, you've beaten back your cancer, the immediate future certainly looks bright. You'll stay diligent with your checks and attack immediately if your doctors see a threat. That's all that any of us can do.

Let me just give you a big hug right now ((((PEGGY))))

There's one of those and call me in the morning, LOL:)

You are going to be A-OK, believe me.

-Craig

sheri22 · September 2010

MAYBE ZOLOFT
Peggy
I ended up taking zoloft for me it has helped a lot, and it is easy to stop taking when you dont need it anymore. Hopefully after the tests and results come back in you will be yourself again I know where you are coming from it is a rollercoaster ride but not a fun one

Sheri22

tootsie1 · September 2010

praying
Praying you have the easiest prep possible, and that the results are WONDERFUL.

*hugs*
Gail

AnneCan · September 2010

Sorry
I am sorry you are feeling so crummy, Peggy. I hope everything goes fine + you have great results with this.

karguy · September 2010

Zoloft
Zoloft worked for me,you may try that.I hate drinking that stuff also,but it is worth it to get the news.I'm sorry about your job,but if you kept busy,that would help,maybe paint the house,yard work,or do some remodeling.Good luck.

msccolon · September 2010

you've been through the ringer
And you are in a place we probably all have been. I found myself in the same funk, and finally went to see a counselor. It was basically PTSD. I had never dealt with the fallout of the procedure I had done back in 2009 that went so terribly wrong; kept thinking I would just get over it and move on. Well, my body finally had enough of my ignoring what was going on and basically crashed. I saw my counselor every week for a while and it helped tremendously! I had to deal with a lot of stuff, the most obvious was my seeing my setbacks as weakness. I've always had problems with seeing weakness in others, apparently, and when I saw it in myself it was very hard. I had to realize that what I was experiencing WASN'T weakness, that it took great strength to get through what I have been through, and that I just needed to learn to look at my situation in a new light. Perhaps you could start seeing a counselor to help you work through all your emotions as well! I didn't need to take any anti-depressants, although I was ready to take some if necessary! I feel working through the issues with a counselor was a more permanent solution to the problem than taking another pill, at least for me!
mary

coolvdub · September 2010

msccolon said:
you've been through the ringer
And you are in a place we probably all have been. I found myself in the same funk, and finally went to see a counselor. It was basically PTSD. I had never dealt with the fallout of the procedure I had done back in 2009 that went so terribly wrong; kept thinking I would just get over it and move on. Well, my body finally had enough of my ignoring what was going on and basically crashed. I saw my counselor every week for a while and it helped tremendously! I had to deal with a lot of stuff, the most obvious was my seeing my setbacks as weakness. I've always had problems with seeing weakness in others, apparently, and when I saw it in myself it was very hard. I had to realize that what I was experiencing WASN'T weakness, that it took great strength to get through what I have been through, and that I just needed to learn to look at my situation in a new light. Perhaps you could start seeing a counselor to help you work through all your emotions as well! I didn't need to take any anti-depressants, although I was ready to take some if necessary! I feel working through the issues with a counselor was a more permanent solution to the problem than taking another pill, at least for me!
mary

Dear Peggy
Peggy,

I like Mary's suggestion of counseling. I to have been having issues lately. Craig hit the nail on the head, we all put on a strong face for everybody to see. I reality we are all like scared children if the truth be told. I think what we sometimes suffer from is survivors guilt when we see so many of our family here having a tougher time than we are or losing their battle. Really what it comes down to is learning to accept the feeling of vulnerability. Having gone through what we all have, vulnerability and the thought things may not go the way we want can and do take a major toll on our emotional stability. All I can say is, it's okay and you are normal. It's a major change when we start back to the daily things in life after the fight for our lives. May you find the peace of mind you are looking for.

Don

RickMurtagh · September 2010

Time
Peggy,
First off, everyone dreads the prep. If they don't then cancer is the least of their concerns.

I know just how you feel. After going through all the crap, all the ups and downs, all the successes and all the setbacks, just still being here should be enough, right? I was the director of programming at my company for 20 years. I was driven, I knew what to do. Here it is just over one year later (they let me go mid treatment - closed the NJ office) and I don't know what to do with myself. Bills and being unemployed has made us piss through my retirement savings pretty quickly. I can't remember a time when I haven't been thinking, "what is next?"

Still time marches on. Some days good some, less so. My prayers and hopes for you right now are that you will have more good days than bad and that you are able to make sense of it all and be at peace.

Rick

jams67 · September 2010

Normal
Does it help to know that you are feeling pretty normal for all that you have gone through? Don, my husband, just had a colonoscopy last week, and the prep seemed to go real well. It is never as bad as you anticipate it being. Good luck with the results.
On the depresion, most of the antidepresants cause weight gain, so watch out for that. Not saying you shouldn't take anything, because that may be necessary, but just be aware that sometimes you may need to try more than one, before you find the one your body adjusts to. Exercise works for me. Find a gym and a trainer if you can afford it or just take a walk or bike ride. Join a group of people that meet at least once a week. It doesn't matter which group you join, just so you are out of the house and interacting with other people.
Hope your gyn helps you. ((hugs)) Jo Ann

herdizziness · September 2010

Dear Peggy
Okay hon, all isn't lost. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, we had a pretty happy life, (I'm stage IV), I was getting tired and unfocused so gave up my business two years ago, husband got laid off in November of last year, found out I had cancer this year in February, no insurance, no job, really sucked.
I don't feel I have to put on a happy face, in fact I'm surprised that everyday, I have a lot of happiness sneak into my life, in the morning, especially in the morning I discover I am at my happiest, why? Because I woke up!!! LOL. I find that nowadays I have to look at life minute by minute, I just found out three days ago, that my husband's house that we live in is in foreclosure. I had just lost my house in March of this year due to foreclosure. So yes, life sucks at times, the fact I still rise each morning, get to hold my grandson, is still enough to give me a smile or two a day.
Now just as soon as I get my "Ostrich, stick his head in the sand" husband out of his mind set, then maybe we can move forward.
One, day at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time, sometimes that's all we can manage. Don't think just pills, think maybe counseling first, you sound like so me, just a month or two ago!!!
Praying for you such as my prayers are considered, and hoping for the best in your life. Sometimes the darkest days happen just before the sunlight starts to filter through and uplift us.
Winter Marie

Emotional Mess, Upcoming colonoscopy and other stuff

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