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Having a hard time

Paula G.'s picture
Paula G.
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2009

I just needed to post this. I am having such a hard time as of late reading posts. My heart is so full of sadness for what all of you are going through including my hubby John (JR).
He just told me the other day he is having more bad days than good. Being together for 27 years and married 25 he really didn't need to tell me this. I am glad he did because it opened up some conversation. As we all know woman and men don't think alike when it comes to most stuff. I like to talk about things in the future as well as past. Cancer has stopped that! I have wanted him to go back on chemo. I know that it is me being selfish and wanting him around as long as I can have him.
I fight everyday to keep stronge and to do what I can do even if I am in a wheel chair. I am always looking for new ways of doing things. I told John that I have kept going because of him. Part of that is true but he said "you keep going and doing what you do because that is you". I guess he is right. It is comparing apples to oranges. Cancer takes people faster sometimes and MS in it's advanced stage just robs a little at a time. I don't have to be on the poison chemo and feel like crap and then just when you're feeling a bit better get blasted again.
I am sorry for all the ones we have lost this year and last. I am sorry that all of you have to live with this and some will die from this.
You have been such good friends to me. Answered so many question. I appreciate you all. Sorry for the vent. I just am having a bad day and can't seem to be happy about much. Thanks for listening. You don't need to respond. Paula

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

Part of that is true but he said "you keep going and doing what you do because that is you".

I agree with John, Paula

love to you both, Leslie

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

((((PAULA))))

-Craig

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

awww Paula...hugs and double hugs and triple hugs....

I have just come home from the cabin in the north.....hiding my head in the sand. So many many people here in my city sick with both MS and cancer.....so many people so sick....pooh

supposed to be big up-lifting message....kinda get's you down some days.....

hugs and more hugs....

mags

Paula G.'s picture
Paula G.
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2009

Thanks. The tears are rolling down my face. That is why I said need not respond. Then you do ( you are so sweet) and then I had to look. Thanks Les you mean the world to me. Craig you are so wonderful and are such a trooper. Mags, I have always had a space in my heart for you. You were one of my first PM's. Hugs back at ya. I will be better tomorrow ( I hope)

Jaylo969
Posts: 827
Joined: Jan 2010

I have been feeling deep sadness too. Seems like so many people, on this site, in my family, and just all around are losing their fight with disease.

Hugs to you & JR.

-Pat

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

Some days can overwhelm us and other days we seem to sail through.

You are definately one strong lady with your own fight with MS and support for your hubby's fight with cancer.

I guess when all is said and done, the one thing which should make eace of us happy is to be here today. Sometimes looking too far ahead only serves to rob us of the todays.

No need to apologize for venting...we all need to some times...and the great thing about venting here...everyone understands the need for a cyber hug and a good ear.

Take care Paula,

Marie who loves kitties

lizzydavis's picture
lizzydavis
Posts: 893
Joined: May 2009

Paula,

"You have come to realize that the best life is the one lived to help others. Your sense of compassion for those less fortunate is your guiding force and has made you a gift to those around you."

Lizzy

SandyL
Posts: 220
Joined: Feb 2009

makes me want to break into song.(was it Paul Anka?) Tho I don't feel like singing or dancing. My mother had MS 40+ years ago before they had the drugs to fight the effects of it. My maternal aunt also has MS and has had it for many years. I know what you are going thru and I am so sorry you have to face this on a daily basis. I, too am overwhelmed at the bad news that has surfaced on this board lately. I know this too shall pass, but geez, I just want/need it to end. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, but in the meantime know that we are all feeling this sorrow.
Sandy

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

People need to vent sometimes ,thats why we are here.sometimes it's hard to be strong,but you have to keep going,as much as you can.We are here anytime you need us.

ketziah35
Posts: 1154
Joined: Jun 2010

Hugs

Ktz

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2123
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm sending you a pm -

Tina

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

Living with cancer is not an easy thing.We all need to vent from time to time.We are your listeners.Hope you will feel better soon.Take care,Paula,hugsss.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Paula,

I've been having a hard time with it, as well. *big hugs*

Gail

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6722
Joined: Feb 2009

Sorry you are so down and that JR isn't feeling so well most days. This has to be so hard on you as you seem to be such a special caregiver which is so apparent by your love and devotion to your husband. There has been a lot of sad news on this board lately and it is hard to be on this site at times. Rest assured that you coming her to "vent" is exactly why we are here. We all need each other. Thank you for your posts too, you are a valuable part of this board.

Kim

mommyof2kds's picture
mommyof2kds
Posts: 522
Joined: Mar 2009

I feel pretty down and discouraged myself right now. HOpe your hubby starts to feel better. Hate this darn cancer, why is it that good people suffer.

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I wanted to! It is important to vent from time to time + here is a good place - nobody gets hurt, people understand + we care deeply for you + JR. I admire your spirit. One of the first pieces of advice we got from a cancer survivor + his cancer survivor wife is to make plans. I try to but I want to do more - you can always cancel if you get too tired etc. I hope JR's good days increase + you can share many plans together. Take good care.

CherylHutch's picture
CherylHutch
Posts: 1399
Joined: Apr 2007

Sheesh... you don't need an excuse to vent... you can come in any old day and vent, rant, spit, scream, cry and the next day you can be your normal wonderful self.... and the nice thing is no one here will even bat an eyelash. Ranting/venting is HEALTHY!! If you don't allow yourself to do it when things are building up, then you'll keep pushing it back down inside of you, which will only end up giving you a gut ache, or a funny tummy or any number of side affects. So rant away!

Yes... coming in and reading the sadness of people losing the battle is nerve-wracking. I start to doubt myself and wonder... is it just a matter of time and then I will be one of the "statistics"? But then, one has got to stop and think... our situations are so unique and different that we just can't compare ourselves to what someone else is going through. I forget who just posted in another topic how he really doesn't want to go back on Xeloda but he will if he has to.. which of course leads me to believe he's had a bad experience with it. I think he even mentioned (or someone else did) that they had such severe hand and foot syndrome. I know I had a horrid time with it in Cycle 1 and 2 (I'm now about to start Cycle 5 next week)... to the point I was NOT going to be able to continue on with it... my feet were in so much pain. No hand syndrome... as a matter of fact, my hands are totally fine and have been since Day 1. Well, we upped the dose of my Lyrica meds and voila... the foot pain has totally, 100% disappeared! Oh sure... don't get me wrong... I have severe neuropathy in both feet and almost up to my knees... so when I walk sometimes I feel like I'm on stilts ... but there's no pain like there was. So the Xeloda now is giving me absolutely no side affects... so much so that I forget I'm on it.... and then I hear how bad someone else reacts to it. How can that be, we can ask ourselves and the only answer is... because we are all individual, unique people. One person's great day is another person's bad day and vice vs.

So really, what one has to ask themselves is... how do I feel today?? Do I feel good... then let's hope tomorrow is just as good! Do I feel bad? Tomorrow is another day and maybe I'll be feeling better tomorrow. And if I'm not, and it's turning into every day is a yuck day, then let's go talk to the doc and get some kind of drug/medicine/physical therapy/whatever to make me feel better because that's what all that stuff is there for :)

Rant away, anytime... and realize there is nothing you need to apologize for... you are doing it for your health!! :)

Cheryl

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

what life would have been like without knowing the people I have....

I was just buying plane tickets for CP8. And it reminded me of the friends I met face-to-face that I since have had to say goodbye to. One memory that stands out is that one morning we all walked to a restaurant for breakfast. It was a bright sunny morning, and where we sat was filled with sunshine. I looked around me, thankful for all my friends. Odd conversation...about Xeloda, and potty issues, and trips to be taken...even tho, for a few, we knew that their lives on earth were almost over.

To care about someone can be glorious! (and should be, I think). But part of caring involves risking your heart that something will happen to these dear ones.

My mantra is the old saying 'It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'....

Hugs to all here, either posting or those that have gone before us to light the way....

Hugs, Kathi

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

Feel free to vent any time, so many of us have not only cancer, but it seems, also have relatives with MS as well.
My sister-in-law has MS, and there I was this summer feeling sorry for myself, and here is my SIL, suffering every single day for I can't even count the years with MS and thinking nothing of it. I admire her so much, for her strength and attitude, if I just had a 1/4 of her fortitude.
I also admire you, for being there, for hanging on so hard for your man, and I feel for your pain at watching this cancer proceed on in someone you love. I admire you and YOUR fortitude.
And be happy for the moment at hand, to touch your loved one at night, to his morning bad breath and yours as well, be happy another day has dawned and you have more moments to share, be they good or bad. Memories are only for those left behind, make as many as you can.

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Just as everyone says, vent away....You know we are here for you...always!

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Paula,
Please come here to vent. We are here for you. I am sorry it is harder for JR. I know the pain of watching our loved ones suffer. I'm holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Aloha,
Kathleen

Erinb
Posts: 295
Joined: Apr 2010

Paula,
I admire your stength. I couldn't imagine fighting MS and caring with a husband with cancer. I am sorry to hear he isn't feeling well. Cherish the good days,
Erin

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4912
Joined: May 2005

HUGS
-p

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

just checkin in with you kiddo

how's it going this week Paula....thinking about you

hugs, mags

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