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Allow me to sweat a little of the Small Stuff

Aud's picture
Aud
Posts: 480
Joined: Oct 2009

This is so insignificant compared to what some of us are going through right now--I mean, really insignificant. But here goes. just feeling bluesy lately and I think it may be related to the 1-year mark. Last year, in August '09, is when I first saw my GI doc who felt the tumor in my rectum. I remember sitting in an exam room, waiting, and knowing that I shouldn't eavesdrop but I could hear the doctor telling another patient to eat more blueberries and I wanted him to tell me to eat more blueberries too, although I had a feeling that the blood I had seen the last few weeks was not going to be taken care of by eating more blueberries (how many times did I say "blueberries?") And I knew that my life had changed when he told me "it's firm--and I'm concerned." So I went to see my GI doc today; colonoscopy scheduled next week. I still see my surgeon every 3 months.
And really, mine is an "easy case"--so far. TAE, oral chemo/rad, frequent followups. I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I live in the shadow of possible recurrence as do we all or for some of us, actual recurrence. I wouldn't blame anyone if they told me to shut up and stop whining.

I think of all of our philosophical discussions on life, death, mortality. To know things intellectually is one thing--to feel things emotionally, with the heart, is another matter. I believe, to some degree, I'm feeling similar emotions to those experienced upon diagnosis. And I guess, for those who are less fearful, less anxious than I am, those with a more "go-and-get-'em" spirit may have different feelings. No matter; we are all so different. I am who I am and I've accepted that. My experience so far is that it's good to feel and recognize the emotion, deal with it, and move on.

All of you are wonderful and thank you for being here.
~Audrey

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Each and everyone of us is different, if we were the same well that would be boring. Your not whining OK, your thoughts and feelings are your own and you don't have to apologise for them. Sending you big hugs that you get through your big one year mark.

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3372
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Audrey,

You know us better than to think we would brush aside your feelings!

For each of us, yea even the go-and-get-em types, have those times when the feelings surface. If we didn't have them, not sure we would be human anymore.

Dates, foods, time of day, people, tv shows, books...any of it can cause those feelings to just pop right out there at us. It is what we do with those feelings that is important. Like you said, recognizing the emotion, dealing and moving on is the ticket.

Now when you start sweating the really small stuff, like lint on your blouse, let us know and we will give you a hard time!

Hugs and Hugs to help with the blues

Marie who loves kitties

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I play the ever vigilant cancer slayer when really all it is is a facade for my family and it keeps me sane as well....Sure, I have my moments, but they are alone where absolutely no one sees me. Its only natural to feel anger, depression, joy, etc. ..I simply want my family to be ok and if Im not then neither are they. I am ok as you are, we are only showing emotion differently . 1 year came in here and I was very happy, only later to feel upset because I felt as if I made others feel bad ..Its survivors guilt I guess. I can sit in church and tears would start welling in my eyes and streaming down my face. I was a basket case. I had to control the emotion and with the help of medicine and facing some things in my life I am now ok with whatever happens. Im certainly not happy about it, but I have (I think) have most of my emotions controlled. Only time will tell that. We just deal with whatever comes along no matter how insignificant you think it is, it is very crucial to someone else, thats why we share.....now, with that said, we're holding "you" in the Light for emotional, as well as physical healing...Love to you and yours, Clift

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Audrey,

You know you're always welcome to come and vent and "sweat the small stuff". BUT, in no way is dealing with worries of cancer recurrences "the small stuff". It's really difficult to realize that any of us after having a cancer diagnosis, regardless of the stage at diagnosis, will have to deal lifelong with thinking about "has the cancer come back?" The feelings and emotions also involve kind of a mourning- a mourning for life as it was, for that free and easy feeling of not having to worry about such a thing- of knowing (or thinking we know) that we'll live to a ripe, old age and not have to think so soon of our mortality or to leaving behind loved ones. It's definitely hard.
We're all going through it and we're all here for you. I'm sorry you're having to experience this- for some reason, it became our lot in life to deal with & we have to overcome those feelings of worry or anxiousness so we can stay strong in the fight and stay strong to enjoy our lives to the fullest without this cloud always hanging over us.
Easier said than done, I know, and some people just have a harder time than others.
Personally, I worry more about my husband's reaction to my scan results that I'm due to get today. If there's more cancer, I can deal with it, but my husband can't. I know he will be nearly incapacitated for a couple of weeks if I have bad news. I almost don't even want to tell him the news, if it turns out to not be good, but of course he'll ask and find out. People are all just different in the way they can deal with things. I can "turn off" my "thinking too much" mode by telling myself to knock it off and get on with thinking about other things & I am grateful I can, but I don't think most people are able to do that. So, we are here to hear everyone's thoughts and worries. I think venting and sharing those thoughts and/or worries with others helps to get it off your mind somewhat.

You take care- you are okay and will be okay!

Hugs,
Lisa

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Your feelings are not insignicant - they are yours + they are very real. It is good that you came to vent a little; you are such a positive force on this forum. Take good care.

idlehunters's picture
idlehunters
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

Ditto to what everyone else has said to you. No matter what stage..no matter what the issue... you are equal to everyone else on this board. Whatever you have to say is important..to us..to you...and thats why this board exists. I felt petty complaining about my sore back during cyberknife when others like Craig, Kerry and ImpactZone and others are going thru being cut open.... BUT... Thats what I felt and needed to vent that. Just like you needed to vent your stuff..... thats what I love about this board. You will be fine. You take care!

Jennie

Aud's picture
Aud
Posts: 480
Joined: Oct 2009

I was just able to sleep better last night, knowing I was "heard." Thank you all so much. So much wisdom here. Thanks for understanding.
Onward...
~Aud

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5065
Joined: Feb 2008

Audrey,

You're entitled to any feelings you have! I know for me that I still feel sort of a cloud come over me when I even see the word cancer. I get mail from the cancer center about upcoming seminars or such, and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

You just jump in here and say whatever you need to, dear!

*hugs*
Gail

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