Sage advice needed
One of my coworkers was just diagnosed with BC
(( I just spoke to her and she hasn't met with her oncologist yet and doesn't know much about the type of BC she has. She was told that it was small (she thought about 1/2 inch, which looks like it would be about 1.3 cm) and it could not be seen on a mammo, but she felt it and they saw it on an ultrasound and then did a core biopsy to confirm. So, it looks like her prognosis is probably good, which I'm thankful to hear.I of course offered to share with her my experience and told her that I had found a lot of great resources that I'd be happy to give to her as well, but she said that she's just feeling like she wants to talk to her doctor first and even though her sister gave her a book about BC, she doesn't want to read it right now because she's afraid if she learns more about it, it will just scare her too much. She's also very afraid of surgery because she has a close relative who had serious complications from anesthesia recently.
When I was first diagnosed, I was just the opposite. I wanted to learn everything I could about what to expect because it made me feel more comfortable and more in control.
I would like to give her something to help her (not information at this point, but I'll give more of that to her later when she's ready). Do any of you who may have felt like she did at first have any suggestions of what you think would have been helpful to have at this point??
Thanks in advance for any advice you may have.
Comments
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my experience
Your coworker reminds me of me when I was first diagnosed in 1987. I was just 33 and my daughter was 4. I poured all of my energy into being positive. I definitely did not want to hear any downer stories about Aunt So and So who died or horrible side effects (I still don't) or really any story that was not positive and had a happy ending.
I remember even telling my crying stepmom at the time that she was not allowed to cry in front of me and that she had to be positive. She then became my biggest cheerleader. And that is what I wanted--a cheerleader.
Also, according to the textbooks that I read back in 1987, someone with Stage 3 A (me) had a 75% chance of NOT making 5 years--so I quit reading! Statistics always did aggravate me and I was determined to be the exception. I used my sheer stubbornness to make it 23 years. I still am battling (metastasis after a 22 year remission), but I will never surrender! Sometimes books can be too scary.
I think the best thing that you can do is be supportive and positive. Be helpful in ways your friend would appreciate: maybe take her some soup, bring over a plant, buy her a pretty front-opening nightie for the hospital, offer to go with her to appts, etc. Some of my sweet friends used to bring me Milky Ways (because I love them). I couldn't eat them because they would make me nauseated on chemo, but I loved that they were trying to make me happy.
She is in shock and has told you that she doesn't want the info for now, so just be there for her. She may or may not ask for the info later.0 -
You know it might sound
You know it might sound silly but my husband gave me a teddy bear. It was something that I could hold on to and let me know that he cared. I took it with me when I had surgery and kept it in the bed with me in the hospital.
Hugs
Donna0 -
Awww DonnaBlownAway60 said:You know it might sound
You know it might sound silly but my husband gave me a teddy bear. It was something that I could hold on to and let me know that he cared. I took it with me when I had surgery and kept it in the bed with me in the hospital.
Hugs
Donna
you have a keeper in that hubby of yours buying you a teddy bear. {{hugs}}
Char0 -
Cindy
when my sister was first dx she didn't even tell me and my other sisters right away. She was just like your co-worker. After her lumpectomy surgery and 7 positive lymph nodes she thought she was going to die. Now 8 years later she and my other sisters are all supportive of what I'm going through. I'm like you and I want to know everything before it may or may not happen. I actually have the same oncologist she had and I feel very comfortable with what he has planned for my treatments. Give it time and eventually she may want to ask you questions and talk to you more about her situation. Just her knowing that you are there for her when and if she needs you will help.
Char0 -
I was like you, I wanted all
I was like you, I wanted all the info I could find. Maybe a nice journal would ne nice to write how she is feeling, or a notebook of some kind to take to the Dr. to take notes in or write questions down to ask Dr. God Bless
(((Hugs))) Janice0 -
One of the sweet sisters
One of the sweet sisters here from CSN recently sent me a darling plush-toy lion~ for the days when I might need an extra bit of courage. I would absolutely steer clear of the whole pink ribbon themed gifts...but a lion or something that says Fight Like a Girl, or something silly ( a tiara from the toy store?) to let her know you are A Lady In Waiting~ waiting and available should she need you! A pretty tea cup with calming tea included...also a gift I got and love. Just letting her know you are there is good!
And there's always this amazing place!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
I just love that. I wouldchenheart said:One of the sweet sisters
One of the sweet sisters here from CSN recently sent me a darling plush-toy lion~ for the days when I might need an extra bit of courage. I would absolutely steer clear of the whole pink ribbon themed gifts...but a lion or something that says Fight Like a Girl, or something silly ( a tiara from the toy store?) to let her know you are A Lady In Waiting~ waiting and available should she need you! A pretty tea cup with calming tea included...also a gift I got and love. Just letting her know you are there is good!
And there's always this amazing place!
Hugs,
Chen♥
I just love that. I would kill for a stuffed lion some days, and a little courage ;-)0 -
Dear Cindy,CypressCynthia said:I just love that. I would
I just love that. I would kill for a stuffed lion some days, and a little courage ;-)
Assuming that you don't socialize a lot with your co-worker, I would give her a small flashlight with a card attached with my home phone number on it. The flashlight should fit in her purse and it symbolizes the light at the end of the tunnel, but you just want her to know that you are here to help here through the darkness. You don't need to write all that on a card, but something like...
"If you just need someone to listen or shed a little light, I'm here...Love, Cindy 1-800-FUC-ANCER" or something along those lines.0 -
Love It!Dear Cindy,
Assuming that you don't socialize a lot with your co-worker, I would give her a small flashlight with a card attached with my home phone number on it. The flashlight should fit in her purse and it symbolizes the light at the end of the tunnel, but you just want her to know that you are here to help here through the darkness. You don't need to write all that on a card, but something like...
"If you just need someone to listen or shed a little light, I'm here...Love, Cindy 1-800-FUC-ANCER" or something along those lines.
I don't like which I like better - the gift of a stuffed lion or the flashlight with the 1-800 message! Both are brilliant ideas. I would have loved both. I was one of the ones that pretty much freaked out if I started getting too much info. Some of us need baby steps. Just let her know that you are there for her if need - even just a note would be appreciated I think.
Hugs, Sally0 -
CindyMiss Murphy said:Love It!
I don't like which I like better - the gift of a stuffed lion or the flashlight with the 1-800 message! Both are brilliant ideas. I would have loved both. I was one of the ones that pretty much freaked out if I started getting too much info. Some of us need baby steps. Just let her know that you are there for her if need - even just a note would be appreciated I think.
Hugs, Sally
I was like you after my dx. The more information I got the better I felt. I was still very scared but I understood what was happening to me. This board was my life saver. I learned so much here and it helped take some of the fear out of it all. We are all different, what ever gets us through. She may come to you later.0 -
These are all such great ideas!Kat11 said:Cindy
I was like you after my dx. The more information I got the better I felt. I was still very scared but I understood what was happening to me. This board was my life saver. I learned so much here and it helped take some of the fear out of it all. We are all different, what ever gets us through. She may come to you later.
Making my Christmas list now: A lion, a flashlight...
I don't want to lose one of the points CypressCynthia made -- does your co-worker have someone to go to appointments with her? If not, yes, definitely offer.
We all know how those first few appointments are like listening to Charlie Brown's parents talk: Wah wah wah IDC ILC ABCDEFG wah wah wah ERPR wah HER2 wah wah wah sentinel node something or other thingie...We're lucky if we hear and retain even half of what's being said to us.
I think another pair of ears (and she would be so very fortunate to have your knowledgeable, experienced ones) is one of the most important things to offer anyone who's just heard those frightening words.
Wah wah wah,
:-) Traci0 -
CindyTraciInLA said:These are all such great ideas!
Making my Christmas list now: A lion, a flashlight...
I don't want to lose one of the points CypressCynthia made -- does your co-worker have someone to go to appointments with her? If not, yes, definitely offer.
We all know how those first few appointments are like listening to Charlie Brown's parents talk: Wah wah wah IDC ILC ABCDEFG wah wah wah ERPR wah HER2 wah wah wah sentinel node something or other thingie...We're lucky if we hear and retain even half of what's being said to us.
I think another pair of ears (and she would be so very fortunate to have your knowledgeable, experienced ones) is one of the most important things to offer anyone who's just heard those frightening words.
Wah wah wah,
:-) Traci
We all know how overwhelming this diagnosis is. Personally, I kept it to myself for almost 2 weeks as other tests were made and results obtained. I wasn't hiding out, but doing my own research on the information I was learning. I couldn't (or wouldn't) tell my kids, mom, sister or brother until I had enough knowledge to answer at least some of their questions. Once I felt more educated about what I was facing, I shared it with them. The following day I had my port surgery.
I guess what I'm saying is that we all have our individual way of dealing with things. I'd give her space and almost certainly she'll approach you when she's ready. Be there for her when that day arrives.
May God bless your co-worker and all of us. Marsha0 -
Thank you all!!!
I did find a nice notebook tonight that I will give her tomorrow, and I really like the lion and the flashlight ideas also. I'll save those for later just to keep letting her know I'm there. I was going to give my cell phone number anyway, and the flashlight would be a great way to do that!
I will also talk to her about her appointments, although it may be hard for me to go with her. She does have 2 sisters and other family she's very close to, so she might prefer to have one of them come with her.
You ladies are all wonderful - Thank all for your ideas and your support of another of our sisters.0 -
Best wishes
Love all the advice on this board. it's better than any book cause we are here first hand and know of each others stories and experiences. here's my word. I work in surgery and with anesthesia as a tech. Alot of people are more concerned with anesthesia than with the surgery. If she's had a relative that had a bad reaction from anethesia have her find out what happened. Was it nausea, aspiration that resulted with pneumonia. Theres also a syndrome called malignant hyperthermia. It's rare and runs in families, esp women. I'm def not a dr., but I do hear peoples fears, and if she can find what happened to her relative she can relay this to anesthesia who then can medicate her properly. Surgery, breast cancer is enough to worry about, but maybe she can be reassured about complications from anesthesia. I always tell people, were going to put you to sleep and then wake you up when all the surgery is finished. Which is another fear, waking up during surgery. best of luck for her.
You're a good friend and we all need to be there for each other.Katz0 -
Great suggestionscindycflynn said:Thank you all!!!
I did find a nice notebook tonight that I will give her tomorrow, and I really like the lion and the flashlight ideas also. I'll save those for later just to keep letting her know I'm there. I was going to give my cell phone number anyway, and the flashlight would be a great way to do that!
I will also talk to her about her appointments, although it may be hard for me to go with her. She does have 2 sisters and other family she's very close to, so she might prefer to have one of them come with her.
You ladies are all wonderful - Thank all for your ideas and your support of another of our sisters.
I was half and half. On one hand, I wanted to know all I could. On the other hand, what I found out scared the crap out of me. In the end, I became very educated on my disease because it's the only way I know how to function. Sometimes though I think a certain level of healthy denial is the way to go. Anyway, I think one of the biggest gifts would to remain interested in her. We all have those experiences where people who were really supportive in the beginning dropped off the face of the earth later on. Of course, no woman on this board would do that, knowing what we know! Good luck to her. You are a good friend.
Mimi0 -
Cindy, I was like you and had read everything before my gynKatz77 said:Best wishes
Love all the advice on this board. it's better than any book cause we are here first hand and know of each others stories and experiences. here's my word. I work in surgery and with anesthesia as a tech. Alot of people are more concerned with anesthesia than with the surgery. If she's had a relative that had a bad reaction from anethesia have her find out what happened. Was it nausea, aspiration that resulted with pneumonia. Theres also a syndrome called malignant hyperthermia. It's rare and runs in families, esp women. I'm def not a dr., but I do hear peoples fears, and if she can find what happened to her relative she can relay this to anesthesia who then can medicate her properly. Surgery, breast cancer is enough to worry about, but maybe she can be reassured about complications from anesthesia. I always tell people, were going to put you to sleep and then wake you up when all the surgery is finished. Which is another fear, waking up during surgery. best of luck for her.
You're a good friend and we all need to be there for each other.Katz
appt after I found the lump including TNBC and Sentinel Node biopsies. But that is me. I have to know cause my imagination dreams up much worse stuff...when my husband was dx with prosrate cancer he did not want all the gory details (that I had looked up). He did not want to discuss it with anyone until he got his "game" face on. He did not want people giving him "the look".
Your co-worker "sorta" reached out to you by telling you, but does not appear to want to be overwhelmed with info at this time. She wants to find her own way. I like the lion, nothing with pink ribbons etc. and let her know you are there for her even if it's just to listen. All of our experiences are so different anyway...just mention the word Port or Sentinel Node biopsy and you get 40 different stories and opinions.
We all want to make it as easy as possible for the newly dx but we have to let them come to us and ask. That's probably why so many of us lurked before joining here. And then again, some people just don't want to know cause it's too scary for them.
Your co-worker is fortunate in having you there to be a cheerleader for her and a shoulder to lean on if she needs one.
Hugs, Judy :-)
P.S. I'm sorry, again I just run on and on!0 -
I meant to say p-r-o-s-t-a-t-e cancer.Skeezie said:Cindy, I was like you and had read everything before my gyn
appt after I found the lump including TNBC and Sentinel Node biopsies. But that is me. I have to know cause my imagination dreams up much worse stuff...when my husband was dx with prosrate cancer he did not want all the gory details (that I had looked up). He did not want to discuss it with anyone until he got his "game" face on. He did not want people giving him "the look".
Your co-worker "sorta" reached out to you by telling you, but does not appear to want to be overwhelmed with info at this time. She wants to find her own way. I like the lion, nothing with pink ribbons etc. and let her know you are there for her even if it's just to listen. All of our experiences are so different anyway...just mention the word Port or Sentinel Node biopsy and you get 40 different stories and opinions.
We all want to make it as easy as possible for the newly dx but we have to let them come to us and ask. That's probably why so many of us lurked before joining here. And then again, some people just don't want to know cause it's too scary for them.
Your co-worker is fortunate in having you there to be a cheerleader for her and a shoulder to lean on if she needs one.
Hugs, Judy :-)
P.S. I'm sorry, again I just run on and on!
I really need to reread my posts before sending them! lol0 -
The ideas from your post areSkeezie said:I meant to say p-r-o-s-t-a-t-e cancer.
I really need to reread my posts before sending them! lol
The ideas from your post are awesome. Love the teddy bear, the lion, the flashlight--so many great suggestions. I think I am going to print them out and take them to my hospital. You guys really are awesome!0
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