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Surviving "Those Days"

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Today is Doug's birthday, one of those days that emphasize our loss. Our family went to a volunteer firefighters benefit laua last night, and we gathered together for breakfast out this morning. The laua was very nice and we had our own table. Doug had been a volunteer with the department many years ago. A couple of his fellow volunteers spoke at his memorial service. It was good to spend time with the family, but now I am alone again. That is ok. I know the kids and grandkids have lives they need to get back to. It is just days like this that seem to make my heart a little heavier. I know I will make it through the day with a few tears, prayer, and friends and family. I wonder how others deal with "those days." Any words of wisdom out there? And do they get easier with time? Is it only these first ones that hit us so hard? Take care everyone and thanks for being there. Fay

Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

For you to say your having "one of those days"...means it has been a serious bear for you..because you have been a solid voice of support here...your in my thoughts...I have no words of wisdom...other than I am told it gets better and we get though it...don't ask me how...we just do...
This kitchen thing I have going on this Tuesday is picking away at me...its sort of yet another layer of Bill that I am removing...so much of him is in the kitchen as it now stands...painting...little repairs here and there...the normal stuff kitchens get done though the years...and now thats all going to be hauled away and replaced by things that have no memories...and they are not part of him....its bothering me.
It needs doing and it will be done...its just sad..it will be pretty and he would have loved to see it get done...its just something in my head...telling me that I am losing more of him...does that make sense?
The being alone thing? well for some reason I am enjoying the solitude...I am not isolating myself...as a matter of fact spent the whole day today with Bills son and his wife...really had a blast...but I was looking forward to getting home...my home has become a sanctuary for me.
This grieving thing is for sure a multiple layered thing...just when I think I got it figured out another layer peels back and I am again thrown off balance.

Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

I dont have any answers but I wanted to let you know that I share your pain and send you hugs. We got through the horrible illnesses that our partners faced and stayed by their sides through it all. That took love and strength and I think its that same love and strength which we will need to call on, on days like these. I think you have it right though in terms of letting yourself shed a few tears and relying on prayer and family to get some inner peace.
I hope that with the sad thoughts, some happy memories of birthdays past also came to mind.

angelsbaby's picture
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

I can relate and we are all together in this journey.

take care


grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Thanks everybody. Your words helped. I am just sorry that there are others who feel this same heartache. Today is a better day although I am going to spend most of it catching up on housework. I spent much of yesterday reading after the family left. A good mystery can often be a distraction. Yes, I did have good memories, and they are always there to help. Now I just have to get through our anniversary in September and the one year mark in October. Doug actually had his first surgery on our anniversary in 2003. That is when we learned that he was stage 4. We celebrated his survival each year along with our anniversary. He did survive longer than expected. I can still celebrate that blessing, and I have so many more blessings to count, too. Those blessings include all of you. We are moving forward even if we do hit a few bumps along the way. Fay

Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

Bingles, I too am redoing a good part of the house. It started after he died as a means of removing bad memories of his youngest. It spiraled and has proved to be a sanity saver in most cases. But I do feel that although it will be pretty and practical and he'd approve of it, it won't be the same as it was when we were together in it. I've put pictures in places where I will see them often and have found ways of keeping reminders of him close.

The oldest said that things will never be normal again. And I replied that they will get to be normal, but it will be a new normal.

Grandmafay, I don't know what to tell you. Yesterday I left church early. When I went home, I remembered something I read "I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair." I got a lot of work done, thinking about that. But I know that I'll have more times ahead when I'll have to find a way to get thru things.

Hugs, everyone!

Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi fay,
Haven't been around for a week or so, been trying to get things done around the house, glad you are feeling better now, I have made major accomplishments with my driving, I am getting my confidence and i know that Johnny and god are helping me to do things i haven't done before, it is really amazing. Who would have thought, 6 months ago if you told me all this was going to happen i would say you lost your mind. My son is moving about 1 hr further away with his family on friday, so I will probably go and help them this weekend.
ruthelizabeth, I love that saying, because it is really true, we must keep busy, very important,
take care
hugs karen

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Ladies
My dear CSN caregiving friends! I look forward to all of your posts daily. It is so nice to know that we are all in this together, and we are not alone. Glad to hear that the kitchen is being remodeled, save a little something from it. Glad to hear Karen is doing so well with her driving! The school year is starting here, so that means I will be back to work and keeping quite busy. That will be good. I do housekeeping and I am the janitor at my daughter's school. I also substitute teach. My brother was here from NJ last week, so he kept mom company and kept us all real busy! My mom has the hardest time. She is doing a little better each day. She and I continued to write in our family journal. It does help!
May God bless all of you and continue to give you peace at this most difficult time in all of our lives. Keep in touch!

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I flagged a couple of the Doriseknight comments. You have to be really low to mess with those who are grieving loved ones. Fay

Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I also flagged one. I'm not sure but it seems to have messed up the discussion boards. I've signed on several times in the past two days to read follow-up responses but cannot seem to locate the topics I was following. I agree, very inconsiderate and thoughtless to disrupt these boards.

Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I flagged at least a dozen....I mean, how dare her?????

Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I also flagged quite a few messages from whoever this DorisEKnight is. I agree that they must not have any feelings for those who have cancer or us caregivers. I think this is the same person who posted on here once before, cause I had flagged alot of those too and also reported it to the CSN Board. Let's hope they can stop this. Too bad they can't find out who it is, huh? Take care! Hope you're doing okay. It'll be 7 months tomorrow that my husband died. Still miss him so much as I'm sure you miss your husband. Take care! "Carole"

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