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I just can't seem to find anything to be happy about.

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

I think I must be crazy. Some of you guys know and have read my whining about my kids, my guy, etc.

Well, the kids situation hasn't changed much. my oldest, Carl, moved back to Maine last month. I'm glad he left yet sad to see him go. He sat in his room for basically 6 months and did nothing, he ate us out of house and home and contributed nothing. He was a 28 y/o opinionated a$$ - I love him anyway. He did nothing about going back to school (I paid for bar-tending school which went no where tho). He's gone, I'm glad - and I shouldn't be glad.

My youngest (18), who was in jail last time I posted - I went to florida and brought him back here. at least he has a job, but that's it. If he's not working, he's not here. He just makes me nervous...I am constantly waiting for something to go wrong..

My 20 y/o daughter is still basically homeless. lives with her b/f - sort of. he sneaks her in and out of his house. she is homeless because of him. she has been given so many chances that I just can't beg anymore. She won't finish school, won't get a job. she's an expert at finding the next party tho. she gets food stamps and medical, and begs in parking lots for quarters ... she is an embarrassment to me. nothing I say or do will make her change, every time i pick her up she is stoned. When she lived here she stole my vicodin (and whatever else I had for pain) and felt no remorse - told me I have cancer and can get more. since she has been gone, she calls for rides to appointments, says she is starving, has no place to go since she fights with the BF every other day - and it's my fault - especially if I can't help her.

I was supposed to marry Nick LAST october, but that went to the can since his partner came down with breast cancer (partner is wife who was supposed to be ex last september, but didn't because she needed his military benefits) I have lived with him for 5 years and she has had every excuse in the book why she couldn't divorce him "yet." They have no children or property together - just a legal business. She promised that when her chemo was over the marriage would be (I understood the chemo thing obviously) - now all of a sudden she made HUGE demands on him - and told him that it has to be signed in 3 weeks or it will be a long time if he doesn't...

I hate my job. I really don't like living here. life is too damn short to be doing things you hate and to be surrounded by pissy people. I have to have a 3rd colonoscopy next month because they still keep finding things - I HATE gatorade! My feet hurt ALL the time. I'm hot, cold, cranky, tired, and all sorts of weird things keep popping up. And...I'm drinking too much, and I know it. I log on here, and people are disappearing. I cry all the time, except for when I am around Nick, and even then the tears keep whelling up...He works too much, and free time he spends golfing and drinking. I know he is stressed to, but my time is spent crying and cleaning the cat box, and trying to keep my kids happy. In the meantime, I'd just like to crawl under a rock and go to sleep...

thanx for reading - and letting me whine....

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

You have a lot on your plate, I hope that you are able to seek therapy. Your kids sound very ungrateful, they are old enough to figure out their own sh*t. I hope things improve for you, you need to focus on yourself and do not need the stress. {{hugs}}

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

my therapy is HERE! when things get to be too overwhelming, I come here and whine, and someone usually makes me feel better - I LOVE THIS PLACE and ALL OF THESE PEOPLE!

My medical bills are awful, my insurance is terrible. I am so scared to go to any doctor for anything beyond the cancer stuff - i have even completely disregarded the diabetes part of junk, and the dental. gotta say tho - my onc - last time I saw him asked me - "are you depressed?" LOL!!! No, not at all.....

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

I am glad you have here to unload some of your stress. However I do have the name and number of a therapist that my Oncologist recommended to me, she deals mainly with cancer survivors

Kelly Groslags
621 E Lake St, Ste 209
Minneapolis, MN 55408

612-825-7400

Yes her office is in a sh*tty area, the LynLake area, but she is nice and I think it would be helpful for you. We should meet for a drink sometime, you need cheering up!

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

I don't really have many friends here in mn, and I've been here for 5 years. I work in a place that meeting people is basically impossible and have been since I moved here. when I finally got to know anyone, the cancer attacked, and many of them didn't know how to deal with me or what to do..i will send you my number on fb...been thinking about that and you anyway...

at the moment - am going to go up and drag nick out of throwbacks....or join him, but we both have to work tomorrow..thanx christine.

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

You kids are adults. You're done raising them and you don't owe them anything more. Especially when they treat you like garbage.

Focus on you. You do have a lot on your plate.

Lilmiss82's picture
Lilmiss82
Posts: 257
Joined: Dec 2009

Just wanted to say I am so sorry that your journey has been so hard lately. Cancer reveals far to much in regards to ourselves, family and friends. Personally, I have noticed that when my treatment stopped I was able to fall into a mild depression, and I think it happened becasue after a year of fighting this disease I was able to take a break a reflect on what had happened to me. It sucked and I decided to follow other people's advice and start caring for myself and my needs instead of worrying about everyone else and their needs/feelings. I will start theray soon but in the mean time I was given a book thst has help tremondously. I don't know if you like to read but I promise it's an easy read and has been very helpful the last couple of days. It is called The Bounce Back Book by Karen Salmansohn. Maybe you can give it a try. Stay strong and we are always here for you :)

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Kids are very ungrateful these days and if they get caught up in the drug scene then it's really not them whom you are talking to. My daughter moved to this little town after trying to live on her own in PHX. I didn't let her move in but got her into an apt with her cousins and OH MY, both girls of my brothers, have college degrees work several jobs and my daughter has changed SOOOOO much. I was so surprised, had she moved in here we would have been quarreling over her wanting to go back to PHX, wanting me to babysit the little one, which I have no problem doing but that usually also meant I need gas and play money, and so on! I also have a step daughter who was heavy into drugs and she is now clean, but no one could talk to her....at all.

They really don't see what they are doing to themselves and the family, to them we are to blame for all of their problems. Parents these days need to use a firm hand and bring up their kids stricter! I am to blame for that too, giving too much and in to much!

Please see counseling, get an antidepressant if you have to. The winter is coming in a few months (I lived in Grand Forks), and you need to get out in the sunshine while you can! And think about your bf, it's enough with the ex-, been there done that, to include the "I need the medical benefits?" Lose the chick, or move on, I told my guy!

So sorry, I know what one child did to me stress fully, I can only imagine your predicament. PM if you like, I will give you my phone number too.

And I went through the vicodin thing too.....I put a stop to that real quick! I try to work toward a fix and not react and that was what I was doing at one point in my life enough is enough! I can breath now! '

You can do it, do it for you, the rest will fall into place.

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

"Tough Love " taking care of #1, is a fantastic read. Straight to the point answers. Like having a pocket phychiatrist to guide you in the ways to take care of the person most important in your life.."YOU"..it teaches you to make yourself the #1 priority cause if you are not happy then no one else will be either. It shows you how to negate the things that slow you down or hold you back. It shows you how to rid your self of unwanted burdens, ie boyfriends, ungrateful children, depression, etc...It gives you the tools to allow you to be the center of your life and right now thats exactly what you need, to concentrate on making #1 happy...Have a mental yard sale and get rid of everything in your life that is causing you to be depressed. As soon as that bridge is crossed then you will begin to see small steps toward progress in the way you feel. Love yourself first, then if there is extra to give out then fine, but never deny yourself anything just to do for someone else that is ungrateful when you are feeling like this. Let your feelings be known and let the people holding you back know how you feel and what you will do about it....then do it. You owe yourself that calm.....Love to you, Buzz

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

I'm sorry it's been so rough for you! I do think finding a therapist or minister or someone you could talk to would do you a world of good. It's too hard to pull yourself out of a depression that has this many layers.

Please keep coming back here and let us know how it's going. And message me on facebook anytime!

*hugs*
Gail

eric38's picture
eric38
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2009

I am sorry you are depressed but it is not unfounded. You have a lot going on in your life. This is a time when your children need to be fiinding ways to ease your stress but they are just adding to it. They are all grown and can take care of themselves. Their mom needs support and extra attention but apparently they are unaware of it. I think sometimes children just assume their mom can do anything and it is your job to take care of them. I guess they just assume life will go and the cancer will take care of itself. Ihope you can get your issues worked out. Your kids obviously have some issues but that doesn't mean they don't love you. I think a lot of people just don't know how to deal with cancer so they choose to ignore it. My brother has all but disappeared since my diagnosis but he cried bucket tears when the surgeon told my family that the cancer was more extensive than he thought and I probably only had a short time to live. Sometimes I just don't get it but I know he cares. It's too hard to face so he doesn't.
Maybe that is what is going on with your kids. I don't pretend to know the answers but I do know that you are loved by your creator and probably more loved by your kids than you know or maybe they love you more than even they know. There is always so much more going on underneath the surface than there appears to be outwardly. Maybe you just need someone to listen so you can work things out. Sometimes just being able to say it and get it out in the open makes all the difference in the world. There might be a social worker in your area that can help you out.

Eric

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

Whine??? That's not good whining yet. I know a few country westerns songs that have you beat on the whining department. That said, whining is good here, get it out, get it said, and feel a little better. We aren't the greatest counselor's, but by golly we'll do in a pinch.
As Buzz said, tough love, learn the words hon, read the book, and get it into play. You have enough on your plate at the moment.
As for the fiancee', get the divorce or quit promising. My husband lost his job two years ago, with it, his insurance. Guess who had to get divorced to get medicaid??? It was that or die early with no treatment. He's still my husband in my mind. I don't want to sound cruel or too blunt, but I will take that chance, your man needs to do what he needs to do for your best interests, i.e., get divorced, marry you, get you on his military insurance.
Enough said, or perhaps too much.

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

I needed to get that out of my system. Funny thing about therapy - mine is writing it on paper and throwing it away, until it gets to be too much - then I come here and ya'll make me feel better. When I was in college, I wanted to be a behavior therapist, so I had plenty of psych classes. It's funny when it's you tho. I know what I should do with my kids, sometimes easier said than done. I actually like the fact that my daughter's phone is broke and have made no moves to help her get it fixed - at 20 that's her problem now, right?

As for the fiance - whole other story. I won't leave. it's not his fault that at this point she is giving him a horrible time, I told him to fight and I will still be here. After all, he's been with me through my fight. long story short - he's been at her to finish up the papers (she is a family law attorney) I warned him she would be out for herself and he needed his own attorney - but he insisted they are partners and friends (yeah right). As you know she has put it off forever - every excuse in the book including wanting the 10 year mark for SS benefits (they were only together married 4 years, no kids or property). she had a back surgery and wanted to wait til that was over, then the cancer. I helped her through that. She promised once chemo was over she would finish the papers. that was supposed to be in may. all of the delays on her part, now, as of 3 days ago, she handed him a draft of what she wants and said it has to be signed by today or he will be married to her for a long long time. in the agreement, she wants him to take out a life insurance policy of 50000, to be hers, along with about 20,000 in spousal support...WHY? what makes her feel that she should be entitled to anything after he is dead? and spousal support? she's an attorney herself! she gave him an ultimatum and backed him into a corner - and "nobody puts my baby in a corner!" nah - I'm in it for the long run ....it's just depressing when you add it to my list of troubles, but I'll be fine.

gonna go to borders and get that book.....thanx again guys.

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

It helps when others throw ideas out there because they you yourself can determine what you really want, because we don't know all the specifics...but she is crazy! lol

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