I'm grouchy......

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Hissy_Fitz
Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
I don't know if it's just my advancing age, or the risiaual aftermath of chemo, or the side effects of the Taxol maintenance, or maybe just the stress of the whole cancer experience, but I find that I have zero tolerance for almost anyone. My entire family gets on my nerves, it seems. I have never been a door-slammer, but lately I stalk off and slam doors behind me. I throw up my hands and tell people, "I'm done."

Is it just me? I hate to think that if I have only a couple of years left, some of my loved ones last memories of me will be so.......unpleasant. Sometimes when I reflect on the day, before I fall asleep at night, I think Lord, what I shrew I have turned into.

I really don't like myself much right now. Can you tell?

Carlene

Comments

  • South Jersey
    South Jersey Member Posts: 89
    #2
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    You are not alone
    Carlene,
    You are not alone in feeling this way... I often find myself reacting in the same manner. I think I am so angry about this stinking disease and sometimes my outlet is lashing out towards the ones I love most. Some days are really difficult!
    Hang in there!
  • nancy591
    nancy591 Member Posts: 1,027 Member
    #3
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    YES!!
    I often blame it on the stress...but who knows. I find that I have zero tolerance and I am easily frustrated. I cannot handle too much activity going on. I cannot handle lots of noise. Unfortunately, most of my frustration is towards my children. I too lay in bed at night and feel soooooo bad. I DO apologize to my children.
  • Tasgirl
    Tasgirl Member Posts: 85
    #4
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    Hi Carlene
    I was going
    Hi Carlene
    I was going through a similar problem 9 months after chemo and even called the local branch of Cancer Council Australia to see if there were any phycological effects from chemo and the answer was 'I don't think so'. SO I must assume that any problems that we face after chemo is stress and paranoia and no 'normal' person can understand what we go through!
    I love reading your messages as you seem to have a great sense of humour so keep it up.
    thanks Jenny
  • hockeygolf7
    hockeygolf7 Member Posts: 52
    #5
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    Hi Carlene, I was wondering
    Hi Carlene, I was wondering if you are on any anxiety medication. I take Zoloft and it really helps me. I found myself getting so upset with my husband when he was just trying to be good to me. I hope this info helps.
  • pambakercity
    pambakercity Member Posts: 15
    #6
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    hockeygolf7 said:

    Hi Carlene, I was wondering
    Hi Carlene, I was wondering if you are on any anxiety medication. I take Zoloft and it really helps me. I found myself getting so upset with my husband when he was just trying to be good to me. I hope this info helps.

    Carlene, you are not alone
    Carlene, you are not alone at all. I find myself just leaving the room. I go take a nap hide in the bathroom or go out side. I get over whelmed so easy and in a fog. I have said some things I am ashamed of and apologize for, so now I just sneak away before I get in over my head. I get so tired of the stupidity of some people though I can't keep my mouth shut, and its usually my family. I must say I don't believe they understand me any more or maybe I don't understand them. Its just bets for me to get away.
  • LPack
    LPack Member Posts: 645
    #7
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    Exactly!
    Carlene,

    I still remember when Jerry's dad had cancer. He was not so nice as he went through his battle with cancer, but mostly not so nice to his son (my husband). We realized that Jerry was the one he was closest to as Jerry's mom had already died.

    I find that I seem to be the grouchiest, crabbiest, okay let me be truthful and MEANEST with Jerry!!!

    No it is not just you. With all these chemicals floating around in our bodies.....................I imagine we can be pretty imbalanced in several areas. I find myself not talking properly sometimes. Like my tongue is stuck or something.

    And I have been less than nice (in my mind so far) to my brother and sister - like they say the dumbest things!! Now whom am I to think so unpleasantly about them?? I am trying to keep those thoughts captive before they come out of my mouth!!

    And I start chemo tomorrow for the third time (4th counting hexalen maintenance) in 2 years and 5 months (who's counting?). I pray I maintain a joyful attitude under my circumstances and remember that it is not about me.

    When I go to bed at night I pray please, Lord, forgive me for my mouth and my thoughts and my actions.

    Yes, Carlene, you are not alone.

    Love you,
    Libby
  • upsofloating
    upsofloating Member Posts: 466 Member
    #8
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    Carlene, I've definitely
    Carlene, I've definitely been there too. It could be that in realizing we have a more finite life expectancy than our pre-cancer days, this may be the only time to say exactly how we feel.
    I got a bit of a come-upence though, when normally-all-pleasant-me was quite rude to some religious door-to-door proselytizers as they interrupted my prep to go for my planned long walk (about 4 miles) and barely made it halfway around the block before I tripped and fell, broke the wrist end of my radial bone (right), which eventually resulted in surgical fix with steel plate and 5 pins! Not to mention, weeks of PT visits, incapacities, etc., etc. Every time I get the 'grouchies' now, I remember, lol.
    But seriously, I do think our perspectives change considerably with all we have been thru and all we continue to face on a day-to-day basis. We are not the same persons we were before we were slapped in the face with that diagnosis. --Annie
  • Hissy_Fitz
    Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
    #9
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    hockeygolf7 said:

    Hi Carlene, I was wondering
    Hi Carlene, I was wondering if you are on any anxiety medication. I take Zoloft and it really helps me. I found myself getting so upset with my husband when he was just trying to be good to me. I hope this info helps.

    No meds....
    When I was in the hospital for my initial de-bulking surgery, they started giving me an anti-depressant. After a couple of days, I told them I wasn't taking it any more. All it did was make me sad.

    This seems to be standard operating procedure for any newly diagnosed cancer patient. They put my (late) husband on Zoloft when he was diagnosed with liver cancer. I, however, prefer to deal with it without chemical intervention.

    I just want to be a little nicer, not so medicated that I don't feel the reality. I am one of those people who deals with whatever life throws at me. Bring it on.....that's always been my attitude. But living with NED is hard. Harder, in some respects, than active treatment. NED is a **** sometimes.

    Carlene
  • sanam
    sanam Member Posts: 106
    #10
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    upsofloating said:

    Carlene, I've definitely
    Carlene, I've definitely been there too. It could be that in realizing we have a more finite life expectancy than our pre-cancer days, this may be the only time to say exactly how we feel.
    I got a bit of a come-upence though, when normally-all-pleasant-me was quite rude to some religious door-to-door proselytizers as they interrupted my prep to go for my planned long walk (about 4 miles) and barely made it halfway around the block before I tripped and fell, broke the wrist end of my radial bone (right), which eventually resulted in surgical fix with steel plate and 5 pins! Not to mention, weeks of PT visits, incapacities, etc., etc. Every time I get the 'grouchies' now, I remember, lol.
    But seriously, I do think our perspectives change considerably with all we have been thru and all we continue to face on a day-to-day basis. We are not the same persons we were before we were slapped in the face with that diagnosis. --Annie

    Dear Carlene
    It is not only
    Dear Carlene

    It is not only you.My Mom is experiencing the same and she is blaming herself.Many times she cried and apologized which made me so sad.I keep telling her that I don't take what ever she does or tells me in a harsh manner but she still can not forgive herself.Noises realy bother her.
    Don't blame yourself. Your children can understand you.
    Love,
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #11
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    I too know exactly what you
    I too know exactly what you are saying.

    I find myself very intolerant of people who moan about minor aches and pains. I have little time for these people. I have a girlfriend who has started smoking again and this makes me so angry. How can she abuse her body like that? Doesn't she realise how precious our health is?

    I tend to keep my feelings inside - but that is not healthy is it? I sometimes have a little rant at my husband but that only triggers his very small fuse and he will then turn on me. So I keep my feelings to myself by and large.

    I guess anger is a very normal reaction for anyone coping with a cancer disgnosis and we should give ourselves the luxury of venting it when and how often we need to.

    Be kind to yourself and "let rip" if you need to :)

    Tina xxx
  • hockeygolf7
    hockeygolf7 Member Posts: 52
    #12
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    Hissy_Fitz said:

    No meds....
    When I was in the hospital for my initial de-bulking surgery, they started giving me an anti-depressant. After a couple of days, I told them I wasn't taking it any more. All it did was make me sad.

    This seems to be standard operating procedure for any newly diagnosed cancer patient. They put my (late) husband on Zoloft when he was diagnosed with liver cancer. I, however, prefer to deal with it without chemical intervention.

    I just want to be a little nicer, not so medicated that I don't feel the reality. I am one of those people who deals with whatever life throws at me. Bring it on.....that's always been my attitude. But living with NED is hard. Harder, in some respects, than active treatment. NED is a **** sometimes.

    Carlene

    I feel reality
    I just wanted to state that I am not so medicated that I don't feel reality. The Zoloft takes the edge off only. I know what I am facing and understand the reality of it all. I just don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling unnecessary anger or frustration. It's not my family or friends that I am angry with it's this awful disease. I can rant and rave at the cancer and still be kind to those that love me.
  • pevvy
    pevvy Member Posts: 14
    #13
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    Tina Brown said:

    I too know exactly what you
    I too know exactly what you are saying.

    I find myself very intolerant of people who moan about minor aches and pains. I have little time for these people. I have a girlfriend who has started smoking again and this makes me so angry. How can she abuse her body like that? Doesn't she realise how precious our health is?

    I tend to keep my feelings inside - but that is not healthy is it? I sometimes have a little rant at my husband but that only triggers his very small fuse and he will then turn on me. So I keep my feelings to myself by and large.

    I guess anger is a very normal reaction for anyone coping with a cancer disgnosis and we should give ourselves the luxury of venting it when and how often we need to.

    Be kind to yourself and "let rip" if you need to :)

    Tina xxx

    You are all entitled
    As far as I am concerned, you are all entitled to feel the way you do. I watch my mother go through this. With what you have to cope with when battling cancer the least you should do is worry about the way you might offend someone. Now I'm not advocating to attack those who love you and want to be there for you, but don't beat yourselves up for your anger, sadness and grief. If the one thing you want is quietness...then you deserve it. We can hear your needs and respect them. There is no need to smile all the time...you all have been dealt some pretty tough cards. The Love and Prayers are unconditional! Carry on. Linda
  • Mawty
    Mawty Member Posts: 133
    #14
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    pevvy said:

    You are all entitled
    As far as I am concerned, you are all entitled to feel the way you do. I watch my mother go through this. With what you have to cope with when battling cancer the least you should do is worry about the way you might offend someone. Now I'm not advocating to attack those who love you and want to be there for you, but don't beat yourselves up for your anger, sadness and grief. If the one thing you want is quietness...then you deserve it. We can hear your needs and respect them. There is no need to smile all the time...you all have been dealt some pretty tough cards. The Love and Prayers are unconditional! Carry on. Linda

    grouchy
    Hi Carlene,

    I know you want to go through this without meds, but I'll tell you, Ativan (not a an anti-depressant, but what my husband and I call my weepy pills) sure is a help. A low dose won't make you tired and you definitely won't feel like you're taking a psychotropic drug. Just a thought. It takes the edge off and it truly has worked for me. I find if I don't take it I become weepy and upset. Just a thought, especially if you're feeling so out of control and bad about yourself.

    Blessings,

    Marty
  • leesag
    leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
    #15
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    Mawty said:

    grouchy
    Hi Carlene,

    I know you want to go through this without meds, but I'll tell you, Ativan (not a an anti-depressant, but what my husband and I call my weepy pills) sure is a help. A low dose won't make you tired and you definitely won't feel like you're taking a psychotropic drug. Just a thought. It takes the edge off and it truly has worked for me. I find if I don't take it I become weepy and upset. Just a thought, especially if you're feeling so out of control and bad about yourself.

    Blessings,

    Marty

    Ativan
    Marty,

    During treatment I was on Ativan (.5 mg) just before bed and Citalopram (Celexa). I've stopped taking the ativan (it was primarily helping me with anxiety) and am still taking the Citalopram since it helps both my mood and my hot flashes! Go figure! I figure if I have to face a room full of fourth graders in the fall, I can't afford to be moody!

    ;)

    Leesa

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