Sometimes its the oddest thing that derails me...

bingles
bingles Member Posts: 120
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
Ok..so I am doing really good....working...planning for the future...even working on pre-planning my own end of life stuff..seeing as I have no children....planning the cruise....felt solid and in control....
Well this past Monday our usual meeting facilitator was on vacation and there was a fill-in..who just happened to be the Chaplain who ministered to us during Bill's last 6wks....Bill liked the man...and Bill was so not a "religous" guy...but he connected with him...just seeing him brought back all the grief of Bill's death and I spent most of the meeting in tears.
I wanted to go back to the days he visited us...mainly because Bill was still with me....I know thats crazy....but its how I felt..one of the last times he came to visit sticks in my mind...Bill sitting out on the porch on an awesome sunny day...drinking Iced Tea....talking with the chaplain....I can see it plain as day..Bill was happy and content and comfortable...I want that day back.
I did thank him during the meeting and told him how much Bill liked him and wanted him to know that at least where we are concerned...he made a difference and was greatly appreciated.
He even made me feel good during the meeting....noteing that with my being a nurse and being able to go back to that field....I should be very proud of myself and at the end of the meeting I was feeling better.
Its just that when these moments come...I get so angry at myself for succuming to the grief.... but I can't help it...still a process I reckon...but man I miss him so much.
I know this is just yet another speed bump into the future...I will get though this..I know I will.
Pat
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Comments

  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    having good days and bad ones
    Pat,
    I just read something that made me think of you. It is from griefshare.com and it talks about someone having Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair--these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you
    can't get off.

    Stay on the ride. You cannot hurry the grieving process. Each time one of these
    emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering.

    So after I read this I felt a little better. I too feel anger and loneliness so we have to just go slow with this whole grief thing. I want you to check out the song by Danny Gokey called I will not say goodby. This song I really connected with. Its says everything we are going through. Check it out.
    Haley
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    halsons said:

    having good days and bad ones
    Pat,
    I just read something that made me think of you. It is from griefshare.com and it talks about someone having Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair--these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you
    can't get off.

    Stay on the ride. You cannot hurry the grieving process. Each time one of these
    emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering.

    So after I read this I felt a little better. I too feel anger and loneliness so we have to just go slow with this whole grief thing. I want you to check out the song by Danny Gokey called I will not say goodby. This song I really connected with. Its says everything we are going through. Check it out.
    Haley

    you hit that right on the head
    Hi Haley...after reading your post I went running to ITunes and listened to that song and man...did you call it right.
    I have made a gazillion changes in my life since Bill passed.....but one thing remains solid...I won't say good bye....even at his viewing..I only said "see ya later"...and I will.
    This roller coaster is getting to be a bit much...but its all part of the process.
    Thanks for the suggestion...I actually brought the whole album...I like his music...truth be told I never heard of him.
    Thanks again.
    Pat
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    bingles said:

    you hit that right on the head
    Hi Haley...after reading your post I went running to ITunes and listened to that song and man...did you call it right.
    I have made a gazillion changes in my life since Bill passed.....but one thing remains solid...I won't say good bye....even at his viewing..I only said "see ya later"...and I will.
    This roller coaster is getting to be a bit much...but its all part of the process.
    Thanks for the suggestion...I actually brought the whole album...I like his music...truth be told I never heard of him.
    Thanks again.
    Pat

    Song
    Hi Pat and Haley,
    Guess what I bought the song to, it is perfect and i listened to it today alot, I don't know how good that is for us, but it just says it all, Had a terrible few days, my grandchildren were over the other day, and i pass my bedroom and see my 11 yr old grand daughter sitting on the bed either talking or praying to Johnny's Urn with his picture, It broke my heart, then the next day my son sent me some photos that he had taken at parties, and there was one photo of Johnny that got me like a knife in my heart, He was looking directly at me in my eyes with a big warm happy smile, this photo is different from the rest as they captured something in this one, it looks like he is right there, so I haven't been right, had to leave work early yesterday, crying and couldn't get a hold on it, terrible night and today was a tiny bit better, but i have that anxiety back again.
    Dont know what we are going to do, it this how it is going to be, what is the point, how and why do we have to live like this
    Take care
    Hugs
    Karen
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    closs86 said:

    Song
    Hi Pat and Haley,
    Guess what I bought the song to, it is perfect and i listened to it today alot, I don't know how good that is for us, but it just says it all, Had a terrible few days, my grandchildren were over the other day, and i pass my bedroom and see my 11 yr old grand daughter sitting on the bed either talking or praying to Johnny's Urn with his picture, It broke my heart, then the next day my son sent me some photos that he had taken at parties, and there was one photo of Johnny that got me like a knife in my heart, He was looking directly at me in my eyes with a big warm happy smile, this photo is different from the rest as they captured something in this one, it looks like he is right there, so I haven't been right, had to leave work early yesterday, crying and couldn't get a hold on it, terrible night and today was a tiny bit better, but i have that anxiety back again.
    Dont know what we are going to do, it this how it is going to be, what is the point, how and why do we have to live like this
    Take care
    Hugs
    Karen

    Whats the point
    Karen I have asked myself that several times but the answer is our family that is still here. We must go on and you know that our men would not want us to fold up and give up. I do love the song and I think for me it is a statement to how we feel about the loss of our best friends and soulmates. The more I listen to it the more I think it gives me strength to keep going. Yes we are angry, sad but we are better knowing our loved ones. I guess for me that is how I see it. Haley
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    halsons said:

    Whats the point
    Karen I have asked myself that several times but the answer is our family that is still here. We must go on and you know that our men would not want us to fold up and give up. I do love the song and I think for me it is a statement to how we feel about the loss of our best friends and soulmates. The more I listen to it the more I think it gives me strength to keep going. Yes we are angry, sad but we are better knowing our loved ones. I guess for me that is how I see it. Haley

    I guess this is what we are going to have to deal with.....
    Karen..I think this is what we are going to have to live with...no getting away from it....Cancer took our guys..thats a given...the grief is real...and its sneaky too....one minute I think I am doing ok and out of the blue comes a flood of misery and I go off into a ditch.
    Nothing we can do is going to make it go away...the way I see it...is that its now part of our DNA.
    I had a weird chat with a family member on my unit last night...his Mom is there on hospice and he was asking about her appetite....which is lousy..and he said..."oh well I guess your not concerned anyway..because she is on hospice" I just about flipped...and started to rant..that even though she is on hospice we still monitor her intake....it was sort of like..oh well she is dying anyway! My reason for mentioning this is to point out that the oddest situations bring up the pain...just like talking about hospice.
    We will never be over it..but we do have to go on...and it can't derail the rest of OUR lives.
    I have had a rough week...work is crazy and I am putting in very long hours...and when I come home and he is not here to vent too...it kills me....he was always my sounding board and I miss him more than I can say....I hate coming home to and empty house...I miss his presence...but there is nothing I can do to change that...all I can do is to live the best possible life...in his honor!
    It will get better for us...it just has too! Hang in there and be kind to yourself....this grieving thing is a long process and we are still learning to crawl.
    Blessings...
    Pat
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    bingles said:

    I guess this is what we are going to have to deal with.....
    Karen..I think this is what we are going to have to live with...no getting away from it....Cancer took our guys..thats a given...the grief is real...and its sneaky too....one minute I think I am doing ok and out of the blue comes a flood of misery and I go off into a ditch.
    Nothing we can do is going to make it go away...the way I see it...is that its now part of our DNA.
    I had a weird chat with a family member on my unit last night...his Mom is there on hospice and he was asking about her appetite....which is lousy..and he said..."oh well I guess your not concerned anyway..because she is on hospice" I just about flipped...and started to rant..that even though she is on hospice we still monitor her intake....it was sort of like..oh well she is dying anyway! My reason for mentioning this is to point out that the oddest situations bring up the pain...just like talking about hospice.
    We will never be over it..but we do have to go on...and it can't derail the rest of OUR lives.
    I have had a rough week...work is crazy and I am putting in very long hours...and when I come home and he is not here to vent too...it kills me....he was always my sounding board and I miss him more than I can say....I hate coming home to and empty house...I miss his presence...but there is nothing I can do to change that...all I can do is to live the best possible life...in his honor!
    It will get better for us...it just has too! Hang in there and be kind to yourself....this grieving thing is a long process and we are still learning to crawl.
    Blessings...
    Pat

    Good and Bad
    Just checking in. The wireless service here is really spotty, and I have been really busy with the conference activities. It is great being with friends but bitter sweet at the same time. Doug and I had come to this conference every year since 1986. Occasionally it really hits me that he isn't here. I brought one of his collections that will be on permanent loan to the groups museum. Also, when we got to some things, I am the only single person. Our friends have really made an effort to include me, though. They are wonderful. My granddaughters are having a ball. Last night they went to the Pirates baseball game with a bunch of kids and some adults. They had half price tickets and were given towels. Today is the banquet. That will really bring back memories. They are good memories, though. This has been good for me. It still hurts at times, but grieving is a process as we are all learning. Hey, I am proud of us. We are hanging in there and stepping out of our comfort zones at times. Take care everyone. Fay
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85

    Good and Bad
    Just checking in. The wireless service here is really spotty, and I have been really busy with the conference activities. It is great being with friends but bitter sweet at the same time. Doug and I had come to this conference every year since 1986. Occasionally it really hits me that he isn't here. I brought one of his collections that will be on permanent loan to the groups museum. Also, when we got to some things, I am the only single person. Our friends have really made an effort to include me, though. They are wonderful. My granddaughters are having a ball. Last night they went to the Pirates baseball game with a bunch of kids and some adults. They had half price tickets and were given towels. Today is the banquet. That will really bring back memories. They are good memories, though. This has been good for me. It still hurts at times, but grieving is a process as we are all learning. Hey, I am proud of us. We are hanging in there and stepping out of our comfort zones at times. Take care everyone. Fay

    Thanks
    Hi Pat Hailey and Fay,
    I am feeling a little better today, I was in the house all day, so hot out, wanted to clean or do something, but wound up doing nothing, I am not used to that, I was kind of drained, maybe from the stress from the week, I don't know. My grandson has pink eye so they couldn't come by this weekend, I do have some days when I feel stronger, I just feel so lonely, I have friends and they are good, but I just miss him so much. thanks for all your support, sometimes I fall apart.
    Take care
    hugs
    karen
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    closs86 said:

    Thanks
    Hi Pat Hailey and Fay,
    I am feeling a little better today, I was in the house all day, so hot out, wanted to clean or do something, but wound up doing nothing, I am not used to that, I was kind of drained, maybe from the stress from the week, I don't know. My grandson has pink eye so they couldn't come by this weekend, I do have some days when I feel stronger, I just feel so lonely, I have friends and they are good, but I just miss him so much. thanks for all your support, sometimes I fall apart.
    Take care
    hugs
    karen

    Karen....I think falling
    Karen....I think falling apart is just part of the process....and actually a means to an end....each time we lose it..we come out the other side slighty better...least thats been my experience.
    Had a odd thing happen just last night...work has been nuts...very long nights... and I am so not a night person and its been exhusting....anywho....last night driving home...one of those funky periods hit me out of no where and the tears came flowing out...worked though it and than found a message on my cell from Bill's daughter...she was in a crisis...and needed my help...I took care of it and went home...made me think that the funk was somehow related....he was in my mind....with sort of a warning of some sort...least thats how I thought of it and it made me feel good.
    Fay..sounds like your having a nice time with family and friends....we are all traveling though uncharted territory here...but I think we are all doing remarkedly well all things considered.
    Keep the faith ladies....we are the champions ! And we got this way because of the men that we chose to marry !
    Pat
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    bingles said:

    Karen....I think falling
    Karen....I think falling apart is just part of the process....and actually a means to an end....each time we lose it..we come out the other side slighty better...least thats been my experience.
    Had a odd thing happen just last night...work has been nuts...very long nights... and I am so not a night person and its been exhusting....anywho....last night driving home...one of those funky periods hit me out of no where and the tears came flowing out...worked though it and than found a message on my cell from Bill's daughter...she was in a crisis...and needed my help...I took care of it and went home...made me think that the funk was somehow related....he was in my mind....with sort of a warning of some sort...least thats how I thought of it and it made me feel good.
    Fay..sounds like your having a nice time with family and friends....we are all traveling though uncharted territory here...but I think we are all doing remarkedly well all things considered.
    Keep the faith ladies....we are the champions ! And we got this way because of the men that we chose to marry !
    Pat

    Hi everyone
    I am feeling a little better today, don;t know why, you are probably right pat, it probably makes us a little stronger each time. It is so hot here today, I decided to stay in with the air conditioner and do some cleaning, well that never happened, I just hung around and read a little and was on the computer and just kind of relaxed most of the day. I guess we need it sometimes.
    I do believe that he came to you, to let you know something was wrong, I really believe in that, I know that they are always with us,
    Don't work to hard, very hot
    take care
    Karen
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    closs86 said:

    Thanks
    Hi Pat Hailey and Fay,
    I am feeling a little better today, I was in the house all day, so hot out, wanted to clean or do something, but wound up doing nothing, I am not used to that, I was kind of drained, maybe from the stress from the week, I don't know. My grandson has pink eye so they couldn't come by this weekend, I do have some days when I feel stronger, I just feel so lonely, I have friends and they are good, but I just miss him so much. thanks for all your support, sometimes I fall apart.
    Take care
    hugs
    karen

    I fall apart in the weirdest times
    Karen,
    I do the same thing. I tend to fall apart during the weirdest times and can't figure out sometimes what triggers it. I know that the grief share class I am taking and talking with all of you is getting me stronger. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. It has been so hot here this last whole week. Hopefully it will get cooler soon. Karen sometimes I don't do anything and enjoy just hanging around. Today I went to the movies and saw grownups with a friend of mine that lost her husband 12 years ago. We had a great time and she commented on how much I laughed. I did notice I felt better after laughing so much. This is the first time I have laughed that much since Sonny died 6 months ago. I have made up my mind to try new things and not be so quick to say no I don't want to leave the house. I guess we have to take one step at a time. Keep your head up Karen we are here for you. Haley
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    bingles said:

    Karen....I think falling
    Karen....I think falling apart is just part of the process....and actually a means to an end....each time we lose it..we come out the other side slighty better...least thats been my experience.
    Had a odd thing happen just last night...work has been nuts...very long nights... and I am so not a night person and its been exhusting....anywho....last night driving home...one of those funky periods hit me out of no where and the tears came flowing out...worked though it and than found a message on my cell from Bill's daughter...she was in a crisis...and needed my help...I took care of it and went home...made me think that the funk was somehow related....he was in my mind....with sort of a warning of some sort...least thats how I thought of it and it made me feel good.
    Fay..sounds like your having a nice time with family and friends....we are all traveling though uncharted territory here...but I think we are all doing remarkedly well all things considered.
    Keep the faith ladies....we are the champions ! And we got this way because of the men that we chose to marry !
    Pat

    Being champions
    Pat,
    You are so right when you said " we got that way because of the men that we chose to marry." We are very lucky to have had such loving and strong men to help up keep going. I am so sad he is gone but am so lucky I had 24 years with him. I wouldn't have changed a thing in my life with him. I just have to remember that when times get hard. We all just need to keep going one day at a time. Haley
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    halsons said:

    I fall apart in the weirdest times
    Karen,
    I do the same thing. I tend to fall apart during the weirdest times and can't figure out sometimes what triggers it. I know that the grief share class I am taking and talking with all of you is getting me stronger. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. It has been so hot here this last whole week. Hopefully it will get cooler soon. Karen sometimes I don't do anything and enjoy just hanging around. Today I went to the movies and saw grownups with a friend of mine that lost her husband 12 years ago. We had a great time and she commented on how much I laughed. I did notice I felt better after laughing so much. This is the first time I have laughed that much since Sonny died 6 months ago. I have made up my mind to try new things and not be so quick to say no I don't want to leave the house. I guess we have to take one step at a time. Keep your head up Karen we are here for you. Haley

    Hi Ladies....
    After a crueling night at work...here I am....just got home and its 2 am....now back in the day this would never have happened....I always rushed out of work to get home to the big guy....now there is nothing to rush home too so I rack up the overtime.
    Had a funny thing happen though on the way home...stopped at a light...and bust out laughing...at the thought of me...the "9pm to bed gal"..out running the roads at 2 in the morning....lord how I have changed and now I think nothing of it.
    Its been hot as heck here too....which made me think about Bill...had he lived longer and gotten into this heat it would have demolished him respiratory wise...so glad he passed while it was still cool and he got to hang outside in his garden.
    Haley....the laughing thing totally rocks....it shows your healing....finding your new normal...the getting out of the house thing is what pushed me to get re-employed....structure and purpose..and its worked wonders...the paycheck ain't bad either...
    Ok..enough rambling keep moving on ladies..oh and Karen...get the house work done...it cleanses the soul ;)
    Pat
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    bingles said:

    Hi Ladies....
    After a crueling night at work...here I am....just got home and its 2 am....now back in the day this would never have happened....I always rushed out of work to get home to the big guy....now there is nothing to rush home too so I rack up the overtime.
    Had a funny thing happen though on the way home...stopped at a light...and bust out laughing...at the thought of me...the "9pm to bed gal"..out running the roads at 2 in the morning....lord how I have changed and now I think nothing of it.
    Its been hot as heck here too....which made me think about Bill...had he lived longer and gotten into this heat it would have demolished him respiratory wise...so glad he passed while it was still cool and he got to hang outside in his garden.
    Haley....the laughing thing totally rocks....it shows your healing....finding your new normal...the getting out of the house thing is what pushed me to get re-employed....structure and purpose..and its worked wonders...the paycheck ain't bad either...
    Ok..enough rambling keep moving on ladies..oh and Karen...get the house work done...it cleanses the soul ;)
    Pat

    The new norm
    Pat,
    That is great that you are staying up longer and past your bedtime you made before. The paycheck is great for you and does get you out of the house. I am very glad to see you are racking up the overtime. It will help you lots. Get to bed so you can up and ready to go another day. Thanks for the encouragement. You keep up the good work!!! And check out this movie " grownup". Haley
  • jat123
    jat123 Member Posts: 6
    halsons said:

    The new norm
    Pat,
    That is great that you are staying up longer and past your bedtime you made before. The paycheck is great for you and does get you out of the house. I am very glad to see you are racking up the overtime. It will help you lots. Get to bed so you can up and ready to go another day. Thanks for the encouragement. You keep up the good work!!! And check out this movie " grownup". Haley

    Hello
    I lost my man to liver cancer on 6/29/10. We were together for 8 yrs. He was only 58. I am devastated. The loneliness and emptiness is unbearable. I don't want to live like this. Some days I can channel my anxiety into my housework and I force myself to get thru the day. But I can't stop crying. Friends are wonderful but once they go home the horrible feeling in my gut is back. I have no family nearby and I'm unemployed right now. He was such a dominant presence in this house and now it is dark and eerily quiet. At night I am up every hour. I am going to try some grief counseling but I am afraid that too will only be a temporary fix. I can't expect my friends to constantly keep me company and I don't want to be a pest calling them all the time. I worry and fret over everything and don't know if I can cope with life alone. I know that everyone here is probably going thru the same feelings so I'm hoping this discussion board will help.
    Jill
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    jat123 said:

    Hello
    I lost my man to liver cancer on 6/29/10. We were together for 8 yrs. He was only 58. I am devastated. The loneliness and emptiness is unbearable. I don't want to live like this. Some days I can channel my anxiety into my housework and I force myself to get thru the day. But I can't stop crying. Friends are wonderful but once they go home the horrible feeling in my gut is back. I have no family nearby and I'm unemployed right now. He was such a dominant presence in this house and now it is dark and eerily quiet. At night I am up every hour. I am going to try some grief counseling but I am afraid that too will only be a temporary fix. I can't expect my friends to constantly keep me company and I don't want to be a pest calling them all the time. I worry and fret over everything and don't know if I can cope with life alone. I know that everyone here is probably going thru the same feelings so I'm hoping this discussion board will help.
    Jill

    Hi Jill....
    Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong too....my deepest sympathy on your loss...My Bill passed on April 21 2010....lung cancer.
    All I can really say is be kind to yourself....there is no quick fix...nothing can make it right.
    The grief is normal and varies from person to person...friends and family while great...cannot fill the void left by losing our guys...
    Bill and I were together 31 years....we were inseparable...together practically 24/7....and I miss him something awful....I lost half of myself when he died.
    I guess I am lucky...we were working with Hospice for the last six weeks of his life and they offer berevement counseling..which I am taking full advantage of..my meeting was today as a matter of fact and yet again I broke down...its a process.
    I just sat here looking at some of his pictures and cried like a baby...today is not a good day for me...the oddest things send me off into the ditch...his daughter is having major personal problems and I was with her all afternoon...I am exhusted...and than I come home to an empty house....he should be here to help sort out the problems she is having..... but he isn't.
    But all my days are not like today....I recently went back to work...I am a nurse...it was rough at first...but truthfully working has been a lifesaver...it gives me focus and direction.
    This board has been a godsend...all the gals here are in the same boat we are and share their feelings without constraint...you can come here and vent..and believe me when I say that some mighty helpful tips are to be gotten on how to handle this thing...
    Our guys were our lives....but now its our life that we need to focus on...living the best life we can...in their memory..we loved them and cherished them....now we need to honor them.
    Visit often and post frequently..this is a safe haven...sometimes it helps to have a new view of situations.
    Pat
  • jat123
    jat123 Member Posts: 6
    bingles said:

    Hi Jill....
    Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong too....my deepest sympathy on your loss...My Bill passed on April 21 2010....lung cancer.
    All I can really say is be kind to yourself....there is no quick fix...nothing can make it right.
    The grief is normal and varies from person to person...friends and family while great...cannot fill the void left by losing our guys...
    Bill and I were together 31 years....we were inseparable...together practically 24/7....and I miss him something awful....I lost half of myself when he died.
    I guess I am lucky...we were working with Hospice for the last six weeks of his life and they offer berevement counseling..which I am taking full advantage of..my meeting was today as a matter of fact and yet again I broke down...its a process.
    I just sat here looking at some of his pictures and cried like a baby...today is not a good day for me...the oddest things send me off into the ditch...his daughter is having major personal problems and I was with her all afternoon...I am exhusted...and than I come home to an empty house....he should be here to help sort out the problems she is having..... but he isn't.
    But all my days are not like today....I recently went back to work...I am a nurse...it was rough at first...but truthfully working has been a lifesaver...it gives me focus and direction.
    This board has been a godsend...all the gals here are in the same boat we are and share their feelings without constraint...you can come here and vent..and believe me when I say that some mighty helpful tips are to be gotten on how to handle this thing...
    Our guys were our lives....but now its our life that we need to focus on...living the best life we can...in their memory..we loved them and cherished them....now we need to honor them.
    Visit often and post frequently..this is a safe haven...sometimes it helps to have a new view of situations.
    Pat

    Hi Pat
    Thank you for posting. I am also sorry for your loss.
    I wish I could find a job to divert my constant grief. But thank you for mentioning that your hospice offered bereavement counseling. I have to look into that but our hospice left the day Frank died and did not even call since. So much for being there for the caregiver.
    I am feeling that I am always being left behind. I met Frank after my mom died. She was my best friend and I had a real hard time after losing her. A few years after that I lost my dad. Now I've lost Frank. I thought we would grow old together. I don't understand why God wants me to be alone. I just want to be with my parents and Frank.
    I hate feeling so helpless but I hate going anywhere alone. I hate taking care of this house alone. Everytime something goes wrong I feel useless and stupid.
    Everyone says it will get easier but my future looks really bleak and I have nothing to look forward to.
    Jill
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    jat123 said:

    Hi Pat
    Thank you for posting. I am also sorry for your loss.
    I wish I could find a job to divert my constant grief. But thank you for mentioning that your hospice offered bereavement counseling. I have to look into that but our hospice left the day Frank died and did not even call since. So much for being there for the caregiver.
    I am feeling that I am always being left behind. I met Frank after my mom died. She was my best friend and I had a real hard time after losing her. A few years after that I lost my dad. Now I've lost Frank. I thought we would grow old together. I don't understand why God wants me to be alone. I just want to be with my parents and Frank.
    I hate feeling so helpless but I hate going anywhere alone. I hate taking care of this house alone. Everytime something goes wrong I feel useless and stupid.
    Everyone says it will get easier but my future looks really bleak and I have nothing to look forward to.
    Jill

    Hi Jill
    So sorry for your loss, I lost my Johnny April 6th after a sudden short pancreatic cancer 3 weeks, and he was gone, I know how hard it is we were together 44 years, he was only 60, it is terrible, the first few months i was in the fog, didn't really know what was going on, now it is starting to become reality, I am also going for grief counseling, I tried bereavement groups and I didn't get anything from them, so now i am going to one on one, this is not an easy road, we will be on a roller coaster ride for who knows how long. We will have our decent days and our bad days, I miss my husband every minute of every day, but I keep trying to take each day at a time, that is all we can do. We can't change what has happened, although we would love to, but it is not possible. I have taken up yoga and have been trying to go to the gym, to let some frustration out, it helps.
    God bless
    take care
    Karen
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    jat123 said:

    Hi Pat
    Thank you for posting. I am also sorry for your loss.
    I wish I could find a job to divert my constant grief. But thank you for mentioning that your hospice offered bereavement counseling. I have to look into that but our hospice left the day Frank died and did not even call since. So much for being there for the caregiver.
    I am feeling that I am always being left behind. I met Frank after my mom died. She was my best friend and I had a real hard time after losing her. A few years after that I lost my dad. Now I've lost Frank. I thought we would grow old together. I don't understand why God wants me to be alone. I just want to be with my parents and Frank.
    I hate feeling so helpless but I hate going anywhere alone. I hate taking care of this house alone. Everytime something goes wrong I feel useless and stupid.
    Everyone says it will get easier but my future looks really bleak and I have nothing to look forward to.
    Jill

    Hospice..
    I am so sorry that your hospice didn't really follow-up the way they should....mine was and is great....after Bill died all of our team called me and have kept in touch...their basic deal is a 12 month follow-up...for the remaining family members.
    You seem to have had your share of misery..I don't think God wants you to be alone....but though this grieving process I have questioned many things.....most things don't make sense to me..its just the way things are.
    Its tough not having something to divert the grief...like a job...but even before I returned to working...I tried to keep busy....just tried to not just hunker down in the grief...its hard to do..impossible at times but mandatory in the big picture...we have to establish a new normal.
    When you mess up on things your not being stupid...your learning...doing things you never did....running your own agenda...its all you can do....but more importanly its what you have to do.
    I am getting used to going places alone and doing things alone...for me it is getting easier...I find that when I am doing something for the first time alone...I keep Bill sort of in the back of my mind..so in essence he is with me..just not in the physical sense.
    Like I said before this is a process and its painful...but the basic fact is that..this is our life now....and there is nothing we can do to bring back the love of our lives....so we must move forward...I don't think it will ever get "better"....better would be to have Bill back...thats not going to happen....he is gone..at least physically..so moving forward is the only option.
    My berevement counselor told us yesterday that one way to jump start the healing process is to change our physical environment...something so simple as to change around the furniture in the house....like if your husband always sat in a certain chair..in a certain place....move that chair...so that the painful memories associated with that chair are minimized...and it no longer is the chair that he sat in..its just a chair...I did that..I shifted around the living room....it became less painful....and it became my new environment which was not associated with the grief of Bill passing.
    Most important is to not think of yourself as stupid...try finding some empowerment in the little things you do and do well....
    Basically it is just going to take time...no magic pill....grief is a horrific....painful..but manageable with some planning ahead..recognizing your triggers and having a plan of attack.
    I have added a picture of Bill to my page here....thats him..just one year ago...all healthy and doing what made him happy...I find comfort to remember that just one year ago...before cancer took him...that is who he was...he is not gone..least not his soul..he is still with me.
    Try to stay here on the boards...there is strenght in numbers and everyone here is right along side you in this painfull process.
    Please keep in touch and keep us posted on your progress and yes...there will be progress...albeit slow !
    Pat
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    bingles said:

    Hospice..
    I am so sorry that your hospice didn't really follow-up the way they should....mine was and is great....after Bill died all of our team called me and have kept in touch...their basic deal is a 12 month follow-up...for the remaining family members.
    You seem to have had your share of misery..I don't think God wants you to be alone....but though this grieving process I have questioned many things.....most things don't make sense to me..its just the way things are.
    Its tough not having something to divert the grief...like a job...but even before I returned to working...I tried to keep busy....just tried to not just hunker down in the grief...its hard to do..impossible at times but mandatory in the big picture...we have to establish a new normal.
    When you mess up on things your not being stupid...your learning...doing things you never did....running your own agenda...its all you can do....but more importanly its what you have to do.
    I am getting used to going places alone and doing things alone...for me it is getting easier...I find that when I am doing something for the first time alone...I keep Bill sort of in the back of my mind..so in essence he is with me..just not in the physical sense.
    Like I said before this is a process and its painful...but the basic fact is that..this is our life now....and there is nothing we can do to bring back the love of our lives....so we must move forward...I don't think it will ever get "better"....better would be to have Bill back...thats not going to happen....he is gone..at least physically..so moving forward is the only option.
    My berevement counselor told us yesterday that one way to jump start the healing process is to change our physical environment...something so simple as to change around the furniture in the house....like if your husband always sat in a certain chair..in a certain place....move that chair...so that the painful memories associated with that chair are minimized...and it no longer is the chair that he sat in..its just a chair...I did that..I shifted around the living room....it became less painful....and it became my new environment which was not associated with the grief of Bill passing.
    Most important is to not think of yourself as stupid...try finding some empowerment in the little things you do and do well....
    Basically it is just going to take time...no magic pill....grief is a horrific....painful..but manageable with some planning ahead..recognizing your triggers and having a plan of attack.
    I have added a picture of Bill to my page here....thats him..just one year ago...all healthy and doing what made him happy...I find comfort to remember that just one year ago...before cancer took him...that is who he was...he is not gone..least not his soul..he is still with me.
    Try to stay here on the boards...there is strenght in numbers and everyone here is right along side you in this painfull process.
    Please keep in touch and keep us posted on your progress and yes...there will be progress...albeit slow !
    Pat

    Hi everyone
    Hi
    I went to a grief counselor today, one on one counseling, and it seemed to be good, I was comfortable with her, and she seems to really understand what i am talking about. There is no magic pill....... it will take the rest of our lives to deal with our losses, we will never get over it. I passed the funeral home that Johnny was in today and the park that we walked around every day for excersise, and i was not good by the time I got to the counselor, but she understood.
    That makes sense pat, moving the furniture around, I hope my counselor can give me some tips and hope. I feel so alone, so lonely, even though i have family, and friends it is not the same, this is so different for me, we were never ever apart, not even for a day, my eyes hurt from crying today, they ache, I hope they are not all swollen tomorrow for work, that won't be good. Oh well, I went to yoga this evening, that it good, it helps you to relax, i never went before, but i think it is good, the meditation is helpful. I am glad that i thought of it,
    Well take care
    Hugs
    Karen
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    closs86 said:

    Hi everyone
    Hi
    I went to a grief counselor today, one on one counseling, and it seemed to be good, I was comfortable with her, and she seems to really understand what i am talking about. There is no magic pill....... it will take the rest of our lives to deal with our losses, we will never get over it. I passed the funeral home that Johnny was in today and the park that we walked around every day for excersise, and i was not good by the time I got to the counselor, but she understood.
    That makes sense pat, moving the furniture around, I hope my counselor can give me some tips and hope. I feel so alone, so lonely, even though i have family, and friends it is not the same, this is so different for me, we were never ever apart, not even for a day, my eyes hurt from crying today, they ache, I hope they are not all swollen tomorrow for work, that won't be good. Oh well, I went to yoga this evening, that it good, it helps you to relax, i never went before, but i think it is good, the meditation is helpful. I am glad that i thought of it,
    Well take care
    Hugs
    Karen

    Hi Karen
    Glad your finding your way....it is rough !
    Yesterday was a funky day for me...been having some issues with Bill's daughter and its wearing me down....and with dealing with her...it keeps Bill upper most in my mind...I want to be able to talk with him about the problems and I can't.....the girl is a trainwreck and nothing I do or say seems to really get though and I see major heartache for her down the road.
    I was supposed to see her last night and I bailed out...I just couldn't handle it...I had two days off and spent most of those two days with her so I got zero mental rest....now today I am due back to work and I don't even feel like I had time off.
    Another reason for my funk...is fatique...working some long hours...the counselor believes I am putting in the long hours deliberatly (sp)....to avoid going home and I think she is right to a point...yeah there is alot to do..but I think I am drawing it out...that worries me.
    The furniture thing did help...you should try it...it seems so simple yet its so effective...
    We just need to keep moving on....but I agree that this is a lifelong process....
    Pat