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a letter never written to be read....

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Today is the big day when my Mom left a year ago...I survived a year, but I will never ever forget the last couple of days...my reflection...as it was...
It was Sunday morning when I looked at her and realized that she has changed. She no longer spoke to me. She no longer reacted to my presence...she no longer knew what was going around her. I spent with her an hour sitting by her bed then as usual decided to go to the kitchen and eat something for breakfast. I poured cereals in my bowl, poured milk on top, got the first scoop, but then...I just couldn’t eat it. I put the spoon down and went back to Mom. All day that day I sat by her bed…talked to her, but I never got a response from her. She was different. She was staring at the ceiling…her eyes were different...the light broke into her eyes. I asked her what is she thinking of? What is she seeing front of her? She never replied…she was far…far away somewhere else. The whole day, she didn’t move, she didn’t sigh, she didn’t turn her head towards me, or anything. She just lay there; staring at the ceiling…her staring was broken only by her occasional blink. Night came, and as usual, I bent over her, gave her a big good night kiss, wetted her small towels that she liked to have around her neck…put it back, but she didn’t reacted, or nodded for a “thanks”…nothing. I fell asleep by her bed.
Monday morning I woke up and realized that she never called at night as she did before. I looked at her…she was heavily breathing, and as yesterday, staring front of her. But she was even farther away than yesterday…she didn’t blink at all. Even though, I knew she is going to die, at that time, I didn't know that Mom has not much time left, so maybe I should say goodbye to her. No. I couldn’t believe that, nor I wanted to believe that.I sat down by her bed, made a warm chamomile tea and occasionally wetted her eyes to prevent them from drying out. I was trying to tell mom that she should close her eyes, but I don’t think she heard me because she didn’t close her eyes. I put a wet small towel over it to keep it moist and kept asking her to close her eyes…she didn’t. She was breathing even heavier than the day before…every breath she took made me jump being horrified that it will be the last. Lunch time came, I made her some food…even though somewhere I knew that Mom no longer eats anything, but I brought it in, so she can have it. I remembered how she liked that food earlier and how I used to feed her, and I remembered her telling me that since I’m by her side all day, I should eat half of it. So, we shared it always...I remembered every bite of it…but this time, I couldn’t swallow a small bite…I felt something was chocking me…I felt that something really big and heavy was in my throat that prevented me from being able to swallow anything down. I crawled next to mom…I was watching her chest rising, and then falling like a waterfall. It seemed as if the air she breathed in was so heavy that when she was exhaling it, it was more of just pressuring it out…her chest fell like rock from a top of a high mountain. I wished I could do something to ease it. I told her she should swallow some…I was horrified of seeing and hearing her choking into her own saliva. I was begging her to swallow as I didn’t see her swallow since the morning…then as if she heard me, she swallowed…and with that…she swallowed her life down…3 small breathings came, but by the sound of them I knew these were coming as residuals…not from my living mom. I sat up…looked at her deeply…I knew what just happened…but I couldn’t move. I froze. Then out of her reflex that was still working, she closed her eyes, and said “Sophie”…and there it was…a life that is no longer in her. I bent over her, I whispered her that I’m here, and that I love her, and I will always love her. I asked her if she hears me…but obviously she didn’t. I lay back and just stared at the ceiling. Half an hour went by and then I sat back up…crawled out of the bed, put my shoes on…I didn’t know what to do. I knew, I should call the neighbor over to help arrange whatever needs to be done, but at the same time I couldn’t. I felt frozen. Just stood there, no tears, nothing…just staring down at Mom. Then I shuffled to our neighbor's door, rang the doorbell...he opened the door, and looked at me asking "is everything okay?" I looked up at him, grabbed his hand and pulled him over into our house, to my Mom's bed. He called the Transporter and he said they will call the doctor who will check mom and declare the time of death. Then we’ll have to start filling out papers. I heard everything he said, and yet, I felt frozen. I felt as if he was speaking a completely different language than I do. He left again to make the phone call. I stood there, frozen. I felt so sick, so weak. Then the Transporter arrived and they started talking with the neighbor. I stared at them as if I had no idea what they were saying…I could barely able to breath…then quietly I started packing Mom’s stuff. All this time Mom lay in the bed…no comments about how I fold her stuff…no comments on which CD she still wants to listen to, or what towel she still needs for tonight’s shower. Every piece of her stuff bothered me. I didn’t want to put away her stuff. I didn't want her to leave without her stuff, and yet, I knew, once they are done with the paper work…that’s exactly what’s gonna happen next. The pathologist broke the chitchat. She ordered all of us outside, so that she can listen to my Mom’s heart…her heart that was no longer beating. She came outside within a minute…the neighbor went after her to start the paper process…then we were “done”. The Transporter people brought in an ugly wooden coffin and within minutes she was in the car...as I was shutting the backdoor of the car, I looked back at her again...she was sleeping…she was beautiful. The pain has gone from her face…she seemed relieved. She seemed so calm, so peaceful. And in that instant, I realized that this is really good for her…then I shut the door. And they left...I was left on the street with the neighbor standing there...and I was afraid...afraid of everything...what's next? I begged the neighbor not to call the social workers yet...he said, okay...and asked me to go over to their house when I'm ready. I went back to the house where the papers were...I hated to look at the paper seeing Mom’s birthday, and then a date of her death…a date I will never ever forget. A date that got imprinted in me…I still see the paper front of me…every piece of it. I remember the line where the description of death was…tumorosa malignosa. ****! I thought! I had this chill running through my back…I couldn’t believe these cancer cells killed her! I couldn't stay in the house, so I went outside and I looked up at the sky…the sun has gone behind the clouds, and it didn’t resemble of the hot summer days that we had earlier. Then rain started to drop…everybody is crying with me up there...but I decided to take a walk anyway...I only walked a block...it was raining by then, but I didn’t care. Every one of my step seemed as if I had lead in my foot…I barely could walk. The rain was pouring down my face…it was good…no one saw me tearing up. And I felt so sick…then I threw up. No one bothered about me throwing up in the middle of the street…they probably thought I was drunk, or on drugs, or just sick. However, at that time, I felt, maybe they know what is wrong with me…that night I woke up three times…
The next day, we arranged the cremation with the neighbor. That week nothing happened…everything stopped. All the clocks stopped in the world. Somebody put a big pillow on the world. It was so quiet. Then Thursday came and we got back her ashes. I felt so relieved. I felt as if she came back home. I was so happy. That night, I took her into my bed and slept with her. The rest of the week, I was taking mom with me everywhere in my backpack, and was barely at home. We went to the nearest city, looked around, “enjoyed” the summer days…but I felt like a deaf person. I didn’t perceived anything that was surrounding me…I didn’t hear anything, and I didn’t see anything. I was numb. I was frozen. Just walked, and walked and walked. No purpose, but just walked. No lunch…who cares? I wasn’t hungry. Every night I got home late, and left early morning and just walked around like a strayed dog...I hated to get home...The house was EMPTY. It was so empty as it never was before. Something was missing. I couldn’t figure out what as there has been plenty of other occasions when no one was at home, but only me, by myself. But this time it was definitely different than those “plenty-of-other-occasions”. I stopped cold by the living room door…there it was. Mom’s bed…with the towels, the sheets, the glass she was drinking out from…her pills…everything. I couldn’t step inside the room…just stood by the door for half an hour staring as if I saw something magic. Then shut the door and left the house. I was biking around the city with no target whatsoever. I only wished there was someone…someone who I could cry to…or talk to…or get busy with…or I don’t know. But I just really wished there was someone…but at the same time I was catching myself think that I really hope I don’t meet anyone. I was starving…I knew my Mom’s friend is at home, and I could go to her house and say I’m hungry and I knew she, without saying anything, would serve me big lunch. But I didn’t do it…I couldn’t. Something was holding me back from doing this. And I was starving and wanted to eat, and I was lonely and wanted to be with someone, and yet, I didn’t eat, and yet, I didn’t want to meet with anyone. That whole week was the longest week ever in my life!!! Weekend came and my neighbor told me that it's been a week, and I cannot live on like this forever on my own, and eventually they will come and take me, so I should wash Mom’s stuff, fold them away, and put everything back the way they were before Mom got sick and get ready to leave the house. I had to step into the room I avoided for the whole week. I went over her bed…knelt down…a started to cry. Then I did what he told me to do while the whole time trying to swallow hard so that I will not start bawling.
I got ready...and by that time he made the phone call...I was standing by our house door feeling like not only Mom left, but my whole life is turning away from me...they came, along with the cops, who sealed the door, and told me that once I'll become an adult, I can come back, they will secure the house. I hopped into the back of the car, and as we drove off, I was just looking at the house, the street, the neighbors and felt that THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT. The next two months I was in the children home, surrounded by other kids like me, but I was just not there...I mean physically I was...but mentally, in my mind...I was totally not there. Then I met my "new" parents...
And here I am now, and I am no closer to any understanding of where I am, than I was before, or what has actually happened. I try hard to ignore it, I try hard…but it comes back. I cannot stay at “home” because the memories, the past immediately comes back to me, and I feel I’ll break into tears. And I am no closer to any understanding why things happened…and I still cannot accept it. Now, I hear, now, I see, and yet I don’t find people. I want to find people, to trust them, to talk to them. I need them. I need them so that I can tell them my thoughts, my pain, my memories. And yet, just as at home while walking in the city, I resent anyone I can. Because I know if I talked to them about this…then it would have to be accepted…then it would have to be real. And that is what I cannot do…I cannot accept this.
Until I’m writing these, it doesn’t seem real. But I know if I opened my mouth and these came out of my very own mouth…they would have to become real then. And I catch myself being very angry…hating everything and everybody while fouling myself that I don’t care. I try to show ignorance towards others; towards everything…so that I can foul myself and make myself believe that I really don’t care. I don’t want to admit that I do. That is weakness. And I want to make myself believe that nothing can hurt my heart…that my heart is made of steel and nothing can hurt it anymore…nothing can break it anymore. And my ignorance helps me…protects me. No expectations, no disappointments. So, I guess I’ll just live my life from now on in a way that I do not care at all about anything, or anybody. There’s nothing in this whole universe that can hurt me, or break me! Nothing can upset me anymore…I am the calmest person that the planet has ever carried on its back…I’m made of steel; I’m made of ice. I’m calm, cold…very cold. Nothing can hurt me and nothing can break me. This is me. My steel heart, my ignorance, my coldness…I’m strong.....

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Wow, Sharpy,

That is one powerful read. You are mature beyond your years. You were there for your Mom; you should be incredibly proud of that! I think you do care; you certainly have come across to me as very caring + perceptive when you have posted here. You are making a a positive difference in this world and I know that you will continue to do so. Thanks for participating on this board. I know this has to be a hard day for you. How do you like your new "parents" - they will never replace your own, but are they good to you? I want only good things for you. You are right; you are strong but you are also "sharp" (smart!). Take good care of yourself. I truly care about you.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

That is amazing. I wish I could be nearby, so I could give you a hug, and maybe you wouldn't feel quite so alone. You have been through such an experience with your mom's illness and passing.

Please come by more often and let us hear from you. We want to be there for you, dear.

*hugs*
Gail

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 185
Joined: Jan 2010

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. It is a heart-wrenching experience for everyone, especially someone of your age.

But you seem like a very strong person who will use their painful experience to reach out and help other people who feel alone like you did. No one should have to go through this alone and beautiful people like you can mean so much to the others who are suffering.

You are also a gifted writer.

Write to us again. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

but my thoughts are with you. I lost my mother at 6 to breast cancer and it forever changes your life. Your letter brought back lots of memories....I hope you have family to lean on. Life will go one, but a mother's love is hard to replace, but it will get easier. Lots of love and someone will always be hear to listen, they are a good group. Pat

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

Your writing is beautiful. I hope getting your words on paper (or rather on the internet!) provides you with some form of solace; this is a very hard day and I feel your pain. You are so young, and yet you are mature well beyond your years. You speak much about not feeling and not caring, but we have seen in your previous posts that you DO feel and you DO care. Your determination in a prior post to become a person who will be able to help others who find themselves facing loss such as you have experienced (I'm sorry, my memory is not great but I think you said you wanted to be a doctor) shows how much you care and how you understand that part of your journey to complete healing from your grief is reaching out to others. We humans are social and we gain much through the connection with others. Take the time now to grieve the great loss of your wonderful mother; time will heal. You will never forget your mother, but the pain will diminish over time. Even those of us who lost our mothers later in life feel your pain; it is never a good time to lose someone so special. I pray your new family is able to connect with you and offer you the stability and sanity you need to continue through your journey. Whenever I read posts from you I have to remind myself that English is not your native language! You really are a beautiful and intelligent soul and today you have blessed me with your post. Be strong, young woman!
{{{HUGS}}}
mary

Fb489
Posts: 69
Joined: Sep 2009

You made me cry,
If I was your neighbor I would have taken care of you.
You are with a new family, and the love you.
give them a chance to your new life, your love.
We are always here for you, if you need to vent.

saffie

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

I am crying too.

michelle

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Hard enough to say goodbye to your mom, harder still to be forced to 'pack up' all the memories (the house, her things).

My best thought is to keep talking about it, just like you have here. I was told by a grief counselor after my daughter died that it takes time...and each person takes a different amount. But she strongly suggested I keep talking about it...

And then, one day, I could share without tears. At her advice, I bought a balloon filled with helium, wrote my daughter's name (Stephanie) on it, and tied it around my wrist. I walked around with it for that day. And when I felt it was time, I untied the balloon and watched it rise to the heavens. That day my burden became less. I still have my memories of her, and she is held forever in my heart. If something reminds me of her, I talk about it.

I wish this for you, as well. Stay safe with people to care for you. Then, when you are of age, you can decide what to do.

Hugs, Kathi

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.

It's really hard to lose anyone in our family. I lost my dad when I was 25. It sucked. I miss him every day and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. The pain at first was so raw, and hurtful. Almost like being burned. I don't have that feeling anymore. The pain eventually subsides and it doesn't really go away, but it does diminish and you feel human again. You can talk to them without crying. You will eventually remember good memories without tears.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6687
Joined: Feb 2009

The pain that you went through is so evident. Watching your mom go to a better place has mixed emotions for you. Don't become too cold though as there are a lot of wonderful caring people and things around you. I'm glad you are strong, and always remember your mother with love the way it was when she wasn't sick. Those memories will always be cherished.

Kim

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

The Unbroken
By Rashani

There is a brokenness
Out of which comes the unbroken,
A shatterdness out
Of which blooms the unshatterable,
There is a sorrow
Beyond all grief which leads to joy
And a fragility
Out of whose depths emerges strength.

There is a hollow space
Too vast for words
Through which we pass with each loss,
Out of darkness
We are sanctioned into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound
Whose serrated edges cut the heart
As we break open
To the place inside which is unbreakable
And whole,
While learning to sing.

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Dear ALL!!!!!!!!

You guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice...I could just hug you guys all individually...and I would hug you guys sooo much that you wouldn't come unhugged for a loooong time. :) Thank you! And yes, you guys are all right...I care somewhere...I care somewhere a lot...but it hurts..so I pull this mask on that shows that I don't. Because I feel if I show to others that I don't care about anything then I'm strong! And I want to be strong...very strong! If I care, if I show that I have feelings...if I reveal that I'm hurt...I'm weak. Maybe because that's part of the culture at home..and I guess I still didn't adjust to this place even though I've been here a while now. And about the things you guys said that it will be better...I HOPE, and I really cannot wait for that. I really wish I feel asleep and woke up maybe 10 years later, and be able to think back of this whole thing without bursting into tears...and that I could talk about it. I mean, here, it is "easy" to talk about it...it's not really talking about it...it's writing it down...and believe me, it's a HUUUUUGE difference. Now, literally, talking about it...doesn't work at all...indeed, I avoid people at the school because I don't want to talk with them, I'm afraid they would bring up questions as what my parents do...etc. I get immediately angry and just walk away, or say them "not important" or sometimes I am even mean and say "it's none of your business". And I know this is not good, I know I'm alienating people...but I just CANNOT change that..so I hope you guys are really right, and it will be better. And Mary, no, I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm going to be a scientist, who does research. I'll do cancer research! And I'll do it, even if it will take 30 years to reach it! By the way, they placed me to 9th from September, skipping 8th grade! :) I'm getting closer to my dream! :) Again, thank you all! I love you all!!!

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

Wow, that so beautifully written, sad, and true. It brought back the memories of how it felt to watch my mom die from colon cancer (5-5-06). I am sorry that you got so little time with your mom. I got 37 years, I will forever feel lucky for what I had.

Reading your words made me cry, not in a small way with little tears that roll down your face, but the ugly cry where it feels like there is something inside of you, and it is trying to claw its way out. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you she is with you still even now and that you will see her again. This I believe. I have seen my mom in my dreams and I truly believe it was her trying to let me know she is happy and at peace.

The 1st year without them it is the worst, it is the 1st birthday, Xmas, 1st everything and you realize nothing will ever be the same or even remotely close. Like everyone says it does get easier, very slowly you will feel like you can breathe again. Not because you stop missing them as much, that will never end, but you cope with it better. Those anniversaries are a b*tch though. I hope you have found some really good friends that you can lean on and get support from, and that can help you find the joy in life again. You really should write a book on your experience, your writing so poetic.

jillpls's picture
jillpls
Posts: 241
Joined: Mar 2008

I am so sorry you had to watch your mother leave you at your age. Any age is not good to watch a loved one go. God gives us strength and peace when we most need it. I hope that someone comes along and opens the door for you to Gods love and peace. Time does heal, not forget. God bless you today and always and give you strength.
JIll

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

Sophie, you really are an amazing young woman. You've had to go through this journey basically all by yourself, not only after your Mum passed, but the entire time she was sick. Getting as far as you have (a year now, wow!) is a true testament to your strength, and ability to survive. Don't worry about having so much anger right now. I think i've mentioned before that that emotion will eventually turn around with time, and become a more positive one. That's when you'll love again, even knowing that by doing so, you'll experience more pain. It's the formula of life. Someone wise once said, "What have you learned when times were good?" I have a very strong feeling that we're all here simply to learn and enrich our souls. Each experience we have strengthens and defines us to become more wise and enlightened until we're ready to go Home. Thank goodness it isn't ALL bad, or we couldn't emotionally handle it. You are already wise beyond your years, and i can only imagine the woman you're going to become.

If you'd like to PM me your address, i have a book i can send you that might help you feel better. It's not a religious book, but a book written by a world renowned psychic.

Much love to you, hon!
Krista

vhtqm1's picture
vhtqm1
Posts: 107
Joined: Feb 2010

otherwise your thoughts wouldn't have hit the presses. i applaud your strength and purserverance through all this. you posting this is a significant step in the healing and realizing your Mom is not suffering any longer and can be at your side to watch over and take care of you. just talk with her and ask for guidence. so glad you wrote this and i truly believe your life will make sense and all of this will be a positive experience that you may share with others in your life. please keep us all posted on how your doing.

ed

tqm1ed@aol.com
6024636914 cell---text ok.

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

and that is so great you did all that at your age. As I mentioned before I was 6 when my mom died and I remember when they took her to the hospital for the last time, I pretended to be asleep when she said goodbye to me. You were there and did the right things. I have a granddaughter your age and I try to tell her how lucky she is to have her mom, but to her it is blah, blah, because she has not lived without mom and can't imagine. You have to live it to understand. It is a little like cancer. Not to preach, but you now have to make the choice to rise above this challenge or let it take you down. Think what your mom would have wanted for you and make her proud, you seem to be on the right road. It won't always be easy, but GO Girl.........Pat

Brenda3.16
Posts: 211
Joined: May 2009

I have been thinking about your post for two days. I really don't even know how to respond. I am the mother of a 14 year old girl and I worry every day about how my having cancer will impact her. You are an incredible, strong, intellegent, kind and caring person. You have been through so much. I teach in a middle school and I see daily how hard it is to be a teenager every day. You could not have been a better daughter. I can't imagine how hard things are for you right now. I am saying a prayer for you right now that you will find peace and happiness in your life. Please continue to post on the board. I think that you really need someone to talk to. You are truly a gifted writer.

Love,

Brneda

Looking4Answers
Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2010

Sharpy, I have to share with you. I am a nurse. When I worked at the hospital, we frequently had patients who were reaching the end of life. Unfortunately, it was not unusual to call family members and inform them that the time was near. They would decline to come to the hospital. We were frequently short staffed, but as nurses could not bare to allow anyone to pass the end of their life alone. We would take turns sitting in the room with the patient and work on our charting while talking to them and doing our best to ensure they were as comfortable as possible. No one should ever die alone. It was not unusual for us to go back after our shift to sit with the patient as well.

There are a lot of adults Sofie, who can not cope with sitting with a someone who is dieing.
It is too painful so they avoid it. You gave your Mother the greatest gift of all- Love! She may not have been able to talk to you in those last hours, but I truly believe she was fully aware that you were there and heard every word you spoke to her. You are with out a doubt a compassionate, loving and caring person!

I wish I could be there to give you a hug and could help take away the pain of your loss. Please do not be afraid to let others see what you have shared with us.

hoya1973's picture
hoya1973
Posts: 37
Joined: May 2010

Sharpy your strength is incredible. Your are mature beyond your years. Your recent life experience will remain with you forever. I lost my mother last year under a similar vigil. Fortunately I have 6 siblings and they were with me for 17 days as life slowly was drained from her frail body. My mother left with a smile and I know she was at peace and happy to be with my Dad once again. I think of her always and her parting smile gives me strength as I contend with my current situation. Sharing your experience will have a positive influence on others to follow your courage and attain some of your strength. Prayers are with your for your loss and may the many positive memories of your mother remain with you forever. May God rest her soul.

Fb489
Posts: 69
Joined: Sep 2009

WOW,skipping a whole grade, this is a huge accomplishment.
Especially after all you went through this past year.
I am still amaze you are so smart, I hope you keep up to great grades.
Very proud of you.

Saffie

DLS5419's picture
DLS5419
Posts: 34
Joined: Jun 2010

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you...maybe this can give you a little peace. My mom survived so she could let other's know what it is like...just know you will always stay in my prayers.

My mom's testimony.

I remember praying the night mom was in the hospital. I had just turned 14 years old (2004). Mom had stage 4 tonsil cancer that had metastasized to her left lymph nodes and reached to her carotid artery. They had given her 22 treatments of radiation and 2 types of chemo...which almost killed her. That night I had seen mom in the most severe pain I have ever seen anyone experience; no meds could touch it. She was burnt from the inside out (esophagus all the way up to her lips were sores) and she was on TPN through a port. She was deaf in one ear and her immune system was completely compromised. They prepared us for the worst. She was only 40 at the time. My dad was in total emotional shock...understandable. But there was something so disturbing about that pain...I could not stand it. I went home and begged God for His help. I just begged for her to have a peace that passes ALL peace...a peace like the sound of angels singing...a peace only HE could give her. I prayed for Jesus to hold her...to take her pain away. That night I gave it to Him. I found this letter from mom to a friend who had just lost someone to cancer. Here is mom's version the story and her miracle:
_____________________________________________________
My dear friend,
I did not know (and still do not know who) that you recently lost someone so dear to you. I needed to send you a special message.

We have known each other for so very long and I believe with all I am that our Father is so faithful he puts people into our lives even if it is momentary to remind us that He is carrying us through our pain. I know death. I was so close to death in May 2004. I will tell you that I had people praying for me I did not know. I was in the hospital and had been septic and in so much pain for 4 days. Now, I want you to read what I am telling you and know for certain of God's comfort for His children at death.

I could not see very well and had lost almost all of my hearing due to an overload of chemo and radiation. Nothing was helping and I was being treated for severe burns. I drifted off and woke up to music in the next room over. I was so surprised to actually hear music playing. It was Christian music and I figured I couldn't place the songs due to the level of drugs being forced into me. Each song was so familiar and beautiful, Brad. It did not stop all night. People came into my room and I didn't even care. I was so comforted by the songs being sung and the music of my neighbor. I couldn't see one person from the other because they had to dress in scrubs anyway. I rested all night into the next day feeling less pain than I had in days. I was so glad that the Dr.'s finally found a combination of meds to help me. When Dani and Van insisted I open my eyes to listen to them, I was a little annoyed because I was resting so well. I had lost my voice due to vocal cord burns, but whispered to each of them that I could hear the beautiful songs. I asked what the names of the songs were beause they were so familiar and I knew they would know them. I could not hear them try to talk to me, but remember wondering why they looked so sad when I was obviously feeling better and more rested. For the next 4 days I rested and listened to the beautiful choir sing and the melodies flowed through the room and quieted my thoughts and pain. Time was not important and I was able to focus on the love of my family without having to struggle with words. I thanked God for my neighbor in the hospital and prayed the person would get better, but also secretly wanted them to stay since I could hear music for the first time in so long.

On the 8th morning, I awoke in tremendous pain with no more music. Doctors were in my room with Dani and Van. Nurses were poking and moving me. I hurt so badly and was upset I couldn't hear. I whispered to Dani and Van who were very very happy (which made me confused)...... did my neighbor leave? I miss the music I told them. I need better pain medicine again I explained tears streaming down my face. They were making arrangements for home health care so I could be transported home. I thought to myself that they were crazy! I was worse!

Brad, I was better.......there was no neighbor. There was no music from another room. I had been barely responsive and my medicine had not been changed or lessened.

I was given the chance to hear just a little of the sweet sounds of Heaven. Death does not hurt Brad. To everyone around me, it looked very painful and upsetting. To me, I felt better than I had in months and rested wonderfully to the songs of angels and saints singing. It was as clear as an ipod with headphones. Beautiful and clear. Comforting and soft. The melodies were as familiar as my husband and child. When God let me stay, the pain of life returned. I am so blessed to be here and felt The Holy Spirit telling me to explain death to you. I listen when Christ moves in me. I owe Him!

You can count on prayers of your friends and the Love of your Holy Father. Death, although it seems bad to those around us, does not hurt.

Love,
Alison
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I hope to all who get the chance to read this understand: my prayer was answered. The next day after asking for mom to have peace, I walked in the room to her smiling. It was a strange smile and she could only whisper what she was hearing...beautiful music. The angels were singing. My Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Our heavenly Father is with you every second...even on death's door. My mom lived. She survived. I truly believe she was meant to share her miracle and help others who are going through such difficult times. God is with you. As you walk through this valley, do not be afraid. He is with you.

Dani

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