a letter never written to be read....

sharpy102
sharpy102 Member Posts: 368
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Today is the big day when my Mom left a year ago...I survived a year, but I will never ever forget the last couple of days...my reflection...as it was...
It was Sunday morning when I looked at her and realized that she has changed. She no longer spoke to me. She no longer reacted to my presence...she no longer knew what was going around her. I spent with her an hour sitting by her bed then as usual decided to go to the kitchen and eat something for breakfast. I poured cereals in my bowl, poured milk on top, got the first scoop, but then...I just couldn’t eat it. I put the spoon down and went back to Mom. All day that day I sat by her bed…talked to her, but I never got a response from her. She was different. She was staring at the ceiling…her eyes were different...the light broke into her eyes. I asked her what is she thinking of? What is she seeing front of her? She never replied…she was far…far away somewhere else. The whole day, she didn’t move, she didn’t sigh, she didn’t turn her head towards me, or anything. She just lay there; staring at the ceiling…her staring was broken only by her occasional blink. Night came, and as usual, I bent over her, gave her a big good night kiss, wetted her small towels that she liked to have around her neck…put it back, but she didn’t reacted, or nodded for a “thanks”…nothing. I fell asleep by her bed.
Monday morning I woke up and realized that she never called at night as she did before. I looked at her…she was heavily breathing, and as yesterday, staring front of her. But she was even farther away than yesterday…she didn’t blink at all. Even though, I knew she is going to die, at that time, I didn't know that Mom has not much time left, so maybe I should say goodbye to her. No. I couldn’t believe that, nor I wanted to believe that.I sat down by her bed, made a warm chamomile tea and occasionally wetted her eyes to prevent them from drying out. I was trying to tell mom that she should close her eyes, but I don’t think she heard me because she didn’t close her eyes. I put a wet small towel over it to keep it moist and kept asking her to close her eyes…she didn’t. She was breathing even heavier than the day before…every breath she took made me jump being horrified that it will be the last. Lunch time came, I made her some food…even though somewhere I knew that Mom no longer eats anything, but I brought it in, so she can have it. I remembered how she liked that food earlier and how I used to feed her, and I remembered her telling me that since I’m by her side all day, I should eat half of it. So, we shared it always...I remembered every bite of it…but this time, I couldn’t swallow a small bite…I felt something was chocking me…I felt that something really big and heavy was in my throat that prevented me from being able to swallow anything down. I crawled next to mom…I was watching her chest rising, and then falling like a waterfall. It seemed as if the air she breathed in was so heavy that when she was exhaling it, it was more of just pressuring it out…her chest fell like rock from a top of a high mountain. I wished I could do something to ease it. I told her she should swallow some…I was horrified of seeing and hearing her choking into her own saliva. I was begging her to swallow as I didn’t see her swallow since the morning…then as if she heard me, she swallowed…and with that…she swallowed her life down…3 small breathings came, but by the sound of them I knew these were coming as residuals…not from my living mom. I sat up…looked at her deeply…I knew what just happened…but I couldn’t move. I froze. Then out of her reflex that was still working, she closed her eyes, and said “Sophie”…and there it was…a life that is no longer in her. I bent over her, I whispered her that I’m here, and that I love her, and I will always love her. I asked her if she hears me…but obviously she didn’t. I lay back and just stared at the ceiling. Half an hour went by and then I sat back up…crawled out of the bed, put my shoes on…I didn’t know what to do. I knew, I should call the neighbor over to help arrange whatever needs to be done, but at the same time I couldn’t. I felt frozen. Just stood there, no tears, nothing…just staring down at Mom. Then I shuffled to our neighbor's door, rang the doorbell...he opened the door, and looked at me asking "is everything okay?" I looked up at him, grabbed his hand and pulled him over into our house, to my Mom's bed. He called the Transporter and he said they will call the doctor who will check mom and declare the time of death. Then we’ll have to start filling out papers. I heard everything he said, and yet, I felt frozen. I felt as if he was speaking a completely different language than I do. He left again to make the phone call. I stood there, frozen. I felt so sick, so weak. Then the Transporter arrived and they started talking with the neighbor. I stared at them as if I had no idea what they were saying…I could barely able to breath…then quietly I started packing Mom’s stuff. All this time Mom lay in the bed…no comments about how I fold her stuff…no comments on which CD she still wants to listen to, or what towel she still needs for tonight’s shower. Every piece of her stuff bothered me. I didn’t want to put away her stuff. I didn't want her to leave without her stuff, and yet, I knew, once they are done with the paper work…that’s exactly what’s gonna happen next. The pathologist broke the chitchat. She ordered all of us outside, so that she can listen to my Mom’s heart…her heart that was no longer beating. She came outside within a minute…the neighbor went after her to start the paper process…then we were “done”. The Transporter people brought in an ugly wooden coffin and within minutes she was in the car...as I was shutting the backdoor of the car, I looked back at her again...she was sleeping…she was beautiful. The pain has gone from her face…she seemed relieved. She seemed so calm, so peaceful. And in that instant, I realized that this is really good for her…then I shut the door. And they left...I was left on the street with the neighbor standing there...and I was afraid...afraid of everything...what's next? I begged the neighbor not to call the social workers yet...he said, okay...and asked me to go over to their house when I'm ready. I went back to the house where the papers were...I hated to look at the paper seeing Mom’s birthday, and then a date of her death…a date I will never ever forget. A date that got imprinted in me…I still see the paper front of me…every piece of it. I remember the line where the description of death was…tumorosa malignosa. ****! I thought! I had this chill running through my back…I couldn’t believe these cancer cells killed her! I couldn't stay in the house, so I went outside and I looked up at the sky…the sun has gone behind the clouds, and it didn’t resemble of the hot summer days that we had earlier. Then rain started to drop…everybody is crying with me up there...but I decided to take a walk anyway...I only walked a block...it was raining by then, but I didn’t care. Every one of my step seemed as if I had lead in my foot…I barely could walk. The rain was pouring down my face…it was good…no one saw me tearing up. And I felt so sick…then I threw up. No one bothered about me throwing up in the middle of the street…they probably thought I was drunk, or on drugs, or just sick. However, at that time, I felt, maybe they know what is wrong with me…that night I woke up three times…
The next day, we arranged the cremation with the neighbor. That week nothing happened…everything stopped. All the clocks stopped in the world. Somebody put a big pillow on the world. It was so quiet. Then Thursday came and we got back her ashes. I felt so relieved. I felt as if she came back home. I was so happy. That night, I took her into my bed and slept with her. The rest of the week, I was taking mom with me everywhere in my backpack, and was barely at home. We went to the nearest city, looked around, “enjoyed” the summer days…but I felt like a deaf person. I didn’t perceived anything that was surrounding me…I didn’t hear anything, and I didn’t see anything. I was numb. I was frozen. Just walked, and walked and walked. No purpose, but just walked. No lunch…who cares? I wasn’t hungry. Every night I got home late, and left early morning and just walked around like a strayed dog...I hated to get home...The house was EMPTY. It was so empty as it never was before. Something was missing. I couldn’t figure out what as there has been plenty of other occasions when no one was at home, but only me, by myself. But this time it was definitely different than those “plenty-of-other-occasions”. I stopped cold by the living room door…there it was. Mom’s bed…with the towels, the sheets, the glass she was drinking out from…her pills…everything. I couldn’t step inside the room…just stood by the door for half an hour staring as if I saw something magic. Then shut the door and left the house. I was biking around the city with no target whatsoever. I only wished there was someone…someone who I could cry to…or talk to…or get busy with…or I don’t know. But I just really wished there was someone…but at the same time I was catching myself think that I really hope I don’t meet anyone. I was starving…I knew my Mom’s friend is at home, and I could go to her house and say I’m hungry and I knew she, without saying anything, would serve me big lunch. But I didn’t do it…I couldn’t. Something was holding me back from doing this. And I was starving and wanted to eat, and I was lonely and wanted to be with someone, and yet, I didn’t eat, and yet, I didn’t want to meet with anyone. That whole week was the longest week ever in my life!!! Weekend came and my neighbor told me that it's been a week, and I cannot live on like this forever on my own, and eventually they will come and take me, so I should wash Mom’s stuff, fold them away, and put everything back the way they were before Mom got sick and get ready to leave the house. I had to step into the room I avoided for the whole week. I went over her bed…knelt down…a started to cry. Then I did what he told me to do while the whole time trying to swallow hard so that I will not start bawling.
I got ready...and by that time he made the phone call...I was standing by our house door feeling like not only Mom left, but my whole life is turning away from me...they came, along with the cops, who sealed the door, and told me that once I'll become an adult, I can come back, they will secure the house. I hopped into the back of the car, and as we drove off, I was just looking at the house, the street, the neighbors and felt that THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT. The next two months I was in the children home, surrounded by other kids like me, but I was just not there...I mean physically I was...but mentally, in my mind...I was totally not there. Then I met my "new" parents...
And here I am now, and I am no closer to any understanding of where I am, than I was before, or what has actually happened. I try hard to ignore it, I try hard…but it comes back. I cannot stay at “home” because the memories, the past immediately comes back to me, and I feel I’ll break into tears. And I am no closer to any understanding why things happened…and I still cannot accept it. Now, I hear, now, I see, and yet I don’t find people. I want to find people, to trust them, to talk to them. I need them. I need them so that I can tell them my thoughts, my pain, my memories. And yet, just as at home while walking in the city, I resent anyone I can. Because I know if I talked to them about this…then it would have to be accepted…then it would have to be real. And that is what I cannot do…I cannot accept this.
Until I’m writing these, it doesn’t seem real. But I know if I opened my mouth and these came out of my very own mouth…they would have to become real then. And I catch myself being very angry…hating everything and everybody while fouling myself that I don’t care. I try to show ignorance towards others; towards everything…so that I can foul myself and make myself believe that I really don’t care. I don’t want to admit that I do. That is weakness. And I want to make myself believe that nothing can hurt my heart…that my heart is made of steel and nothing can hurt it anymore…nothing can break it anymore. And my ignorance helps me…protects me. No expectations, no disappointments. So, I guess I’ll just live my life from now on in a way that I do not care at all about anything, or anybody. There’s nothing in this whole universe that can hurt me, or break me! Nothing can upset me anymore…I am the calmest person that the planet has ever carried on its back…I’m made of steel; I’m made of ice. I’m calm, cold…very cold. Nothing can hurt me and nothing can break me. This is me. My steel heart, my ignorance, my coldness…I’m strong.....
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Comments

  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673
    Wow, Sharpy,
    That is one

    Wow, Sharpy,

    That is one powerful read. You are mature beyond your years. You were there for your Mom; you should be incredibly proud of that! I think you do care; you certainly have come across to me as very caring + perceptive when you have posted here. You are making a a positive difference in this world and I know that you will continue to do so. Thanks for participating on this board. I know this has to be a hard day for you. How do you like your new "parents" - they will never replace your own, but are they good to you? I want only good things for you. You are right; you are strong but you are also "sharp" (smart!). Take good care of yourself. I truly care about you.
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    Amazing
    That is amazing. I wish I could be nearby, so I could give you a hug, and maybe you wouldn't feel quite so alone. You have been through such an experience with your mom's illness and passing.

    Please come by more often and let us hear from you. We want to be there for you, dear.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 184
    Your painful experience can help others
    I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. It is a heart-wrenching experience for everyone, especially someone of your age.

    But you seem like a very strong person who will use their painful experience to reach out and help other people who feel alone like you did. No one should have to go through this alone and beautiful people like you can mean so much to the others who are suffering.

    You are also a gifted writer.

    Write to us again. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.
  • Lifeisajourney
    Lifeisajourney Member Posts: 216
    I don't know how old you are
    but my thoughts are with you. I lost my mother at 6 to breast cancer and it forever changes your life. Your letter brought back lots of memories....I hope you have family to lean on. Life will go one, but a mother's love is hard to replace, but it will get easier. Lots of love and someone will always be hear to listen, they are a good group. Pat
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917
    what a blessing!
    Your writing is beautiful. I hope getting your words on paper (or rather on the internet!) provides you with some form of solace; this is a very hard day and I feel your pain. You are so young, and yet you are mature well beyond your years. You speak much about not feeling and not caring, but we have seen in your previous posts that you DO feel and you DO care. Your determination in a prior post to become a person who will be able to help others who find themselves facing loss such as you have experienced (I'm sorry, my memory is not great but I think you said you wanted to be a doctor) shows how much you care and how you understand that part of your journey to complete healing from your grief is reaching out to others. We humans are social and we gain much through the connection with others. Take the time now to grieve the great loss of your wonderful mother; time will heal. You will never forget your mother, but the pain will diminish over time. Even those of us who lost our mothers later in life feel your pain; it is never a good time to lose someone so special. I pray your new family is able to connect with you and offer you the stability and sanity you need to continue through your journey. Whenever I read posts from you I have to remind myself that English is not your native language! You really are a beautiful and intelligent soul and today you have blessed me with your post. Be strong, young woman!
    {{{HUGS}}}
    mary
  • Fb489
    Fb489 Member Posts: 69
    Stay Strong
    You made me cry,
    If I was your neighbor I would have taken care of you.
    You are with a new family, and the love you.
    give them a chance to your new life, your love.
    We are always here for you, if you need to vent.

    saffie
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028
    I'm speechless....
    Hard enough to say goodbye to your mom, harder still to be forced to 'pack up' all the memories (the house, her things).

    My best thought is to keep talking about it, just like you have here. I was told by a grief counselor after my daughter died that it takes time...and each person takes a different amount. But she strongly suggested I keep talking about it...

    And then, one day, I could share without tears. At her advice, I bought a balloon filled with helium, wrote my daughter's name (Stephanie) on it, and tied it around my wrist. I walked around with it for that day. And when I felt it was time, I untied the balloon and watched it rise to the heavens. That day my burden became less. I still have my memories of her, and she is held forever in my heart. If something reminds me of her, I talk about it.

    I wish this for you, as well. Stay safe with people to care for you. Then, when you are of age, you can decide what to do.

    Hugs, Kathi
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165
    Fb489 said:

    Stay Strong
    You made me cry,
    If I was your neighbor I would have taken care of you.
    You are with a new family, and the love you.
    give them a chance to your new life, your love.
    We are always here for you, if you need to vent.

    saffie

    Wow
    I am crying too.

    michelle
  • HollyID
    HollyID Member Posts: 946
    Yes, you are strong...
    I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.

    It's really hard to lose anyone in our family. I lost my dad when I was 25. It sucked. I miss him every day and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. The pain at first was so raw, and hurtful. Almost like being burned. I don't have that feeling anymore. The pain eventually subsides and it doesn't really go away, but it does diminish and you feel human again. You can talk to them without crying. You will eventually remember good memories without tears.
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,715 Member
    Awww
    The pain that you went through is so evident. Watching your mom go to a better place has mixed emotions for you. Don't become too cold though as there are a lot of wonderful caring people and things around you. I'm glad you are strong, and always remember your mother with love the way it was when she wasn't sick. Those memories will always be cherished.

    Kim
  • lesvanb
    lesvanb Member Posts: 905
    the only thing I can offer right now Sharpy is this
    The Unbroken
    By Rashani

    There is a brokenness
    Out of which comes the unbroken,
    A shatterdness out
    Of which blooms the unshatterable,
    There is a sorrow
    Beyond all grief which leads to joy
    And a fragility
    Out of whose depths emerges strength.

    There is a hollow space
    Too vast for words
    Through which we pass with each loss,
    Out of darkness
    We are sanctioned into being.

    There is a cry deeper than all sound
    Whose serrated edges cut the heart
    As we break open
    To the place inside which is unbreakable
    And whole,
    While learning to sing.
  • sharpy102
    sharpy102 Member Posts: 368
    thank you ALL
    Dear ALL!!!!!!!!

    You guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice...I could just hug you guys all individually...and I would hug you guys sooo much that you wouldn't come unhugged for a loooong time. :) Thank you! And yes, you guys are all right...I care somewhere...I care somewhere a lot...but it hurts..so I pull this mask on that shows that I don't. Because I feel if I show to others that I don't care about anything then I'm strong! And I want to be strong...very strong! If I care, if I show that I have feelings...if I reveal that I'm hurt...I'm weak. Maybe because that's part of the culture at home..and I guess I still didn't adjust to this place even though I've been here a while now. And about the things you guys said that it will be better...I HOPE, and I really cannot wait for that. I really wish I feel asleep and woke up maybe 10 years later, and be able to think back of this whole thing without bursting into tears...and that I could talk about it. I mean, here, it is "easy" to talk about it...it's not really talking about it...it's writing it down...and believe me, it's a HUUUUUGE difference. Now, literally, talking about it...doesn't work at all...indeed, I avoid people at the school because I don't want to talk with them, I'm afraid they would bring up questions as what my parents do...etc. I get immediately angry and just walk away, or say them "not important" or sometimes I am even mean and say "it's none of your business". And I know this is not good, I know I'm alienating people...but I just CANNOT change that..so I hope you guys are really right, and it will be better. And Mary, no, I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm going to be a scientist, who does research. I'll do cancer research! And I'll do it, even if it will take 30 years to reach it! By the way, they placed me to 9th from September, skipping 8th grade! :) I'm getting closer to my dream! :) Again, thank you all! I love you all!!!
  • christinecarl
    christinecarl Member Posts: 543
    aww Sharpy *cries*
    Wow, that so beautifully written, sad, and true. It brought back the memories of how it felt to watch my mom die from colon cancer (5-5-06). I am sorry that you got so little time with your mom. I got 37 years, I will forever feel lucky for what I had.

    Reading your words made me cry, not in a small way with little tears that roll down your face, but the ugly cry where it feels like there is something inside of you, and it is trying to claw its way out. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you she is with you still even now and that you will see her again. This I believe. I have seen my mom in my dreams and I truly believe it was her trying to let me know she is happy and at peace.

    The 1st year without them it is the worst, it is the 1st birthday, Xmas, 1st everything and you realize nothing will ever be the same or even remotely close. Like everyone says it does get easier, very slowly you will feel like you can breathe again. Not because you stop missing them as much, that will never end, but you cope with it better. Those anniversaries are a b*tch though. I hope you have found some really good friends that you can lean on and get support from, and that can help you find the joy in life again. You really should write a book on your experience, your writing so poetic.
  • jillpls
    jillpls Member Posts: 238
    strength in God
    I am so sorry you had to watch your mother leave you at your age. Any age is not good to watch a loved one go. God gives us strength and peace when we most need it. I hope that someone comes along and opens the door for you to Gods love and peace. Time does heal, not forget. God bless you today and always and give you strength.
    JIll
  • kristasplace
    kristasplace Member Posts: 955
    Amazing
    Sophie, you really are an amazing young woman. You've had to go through this journey basically all by yourself, not only after your Mum passed, but the entire time she was sick. Getting as far as you have (a year now, wow!) is a true testament to your strength, and ability to survive. Don't worry about having so much anger right now. I think i've mentioned before that that emotion will eventually turn around with time, and become a more positive one. That's when you'll love again, even knowing that by doing so, you'll experience more pain. It's the formula of life. Someone wise once said, "What have you learned when times were good?" I have a very strong feeling that we're all here simply to learn and enrich our souls. Each experience we have strengthens and defines us to become more wise and enlightened until we're ready to go Home. Thank goodness it isn't ALL bad, or we couldn't emotionally handle it. You are already wise beyond your years, and i can only imagine the woman you're going to become.

    If you'd like to PM me your address, i have a book i can send you that might help you feel better. It's not a religious book, but a book written by a world renowned psychic.

    Much love to you, hon!
    Krista
  • vhtqm1
    vhtqm1 Member Posts: 107
    i actually think you know that you are and will improve in time
    otherwise your thoughts wouldn't have hit the presses. i applaud your strength and purserverance through all this. you posting this is a significant step in the healing and realizing your Mom is not suffering any longer and can be at your side to watch over and take care of you. just talk with her and ask for guidence. so glad you wrote this and i truly believe your life will make sense and all of this will be a positive experience that you may share with others in your life. please keep us all posted on how your doing.

    ed

    [email protected]
    6024636914 cell---text ok.
  • Lifeisajourney
    Lifeisajourney Member Posts: 216
    You were there for your mom
    and that is so great you did all that at your age. As I mentioned before I was 6 when my mom died and I remember when they took her to the hospital for the last time, I pretended to be asleep when she said goodbye to me. You were there and did the right things. I have a granddaughter your age and I try to tell her how lucky she is to have her mom, but to her it is blah, blah, because she has not lived without mom and can't imagine. You have to live it to understand. It is a little like cancer. Not to preach, but you now have to make the choice to rise above this challenge or let it take you down. Think what your mom would have wanted for you and make her proud, you seem to be on the right road. It won't always be easy, but GO Girl.........Pat
  • Brenda3.16
    Brenda3.16 Member Posts: 209

    You were there for your mom
    and that is so great you did all that at your age. As I mentioned before I was 6 when my mom died and I remember when they took her to the hospital for the last time, I pretended to be asleep when she said goodbye to me. You were there and did the right things. I have a granddaughter your age and I try to tell her how lucky she is to have her mom, but to her it is blah, blah, because she has not lived without mom and can't imagine. You have to live it to understand. It is a little like cancer. Not to preach, but you now have to make the choice to rise above this challenge or let it take you down. Think what your mom would have wanted for you and make her proud, you seem to be on the right road. It won't always be easy, but GO Girl.........Pat

    I have been thinking about
    I have been thinking about your post for two days. I really don't even know how to respond. I am the mother of a 14 year old girl and I worry every day about how my having cancer will impact her. You are an incredible, strong, intellegent, kind and caring person. You have been through so much. I teach in a middle school and I see daily how hard it is to be a teenager every day. You could not have been a better daughter. I can't imagine how hard things are for you right now. I am saying a prayer for you right now that you will find peace and happiness in your life. Please continue to post on the board. I think that you really need someone to talk to. You are truly a gifted writer.

    Love,

    Brneda
  • Looking4Answers
    Looking4Answers Member Posts: 5
    You have a gift
    Sharpy, I have to share with you. I am a nurse. When I worked at the hospital, we frequently had patients who were reaching the end of life. Unfortunately, it was not unusual to call family members and inform them that the time was near. They would decline to come to the hospital. We were frequently short staffed, but as nurses could not bare to allow anyone to pass the end of their life alone. We would take turns sitting in the room with the patient and work on our charting while talking to them and doing our best to ensure they were as comfortable as possible. No one should ever die alone. It was not unusual for us to go back after our shift to sit with the patient as well.

    There are a lot of adults Sofie, who can not cope with sitting with a someone who is dieing.
    It is too painful so they avoid it. You gave your Mother the greatest gift of all- Love! She may not have been able to talk to you in those last hours, but I truly believe she was fully aware that you were there and heard every word you spoke to her. You are with out a doubt a compassionate, loving and caring person!

    I wish I could be there to give you a hug and could help take away the pain of your loss. Please do not be afraid to let others see what you have shared with us.
  • hoya1973
    hoya1973 Member Posts: 37

    You have a gift
    Sharpy, I have to share with you. I am a nurse. When I worked at the hospital, we frequently had patients who were reaching the end of life. Unfortunately, it was not unusual to call family members and inform them that the time was near. They would decline to come to the hospital. We were frequently short staffed, but as nurses could not bare to allow anyone to pass the end of their life alone. We would take turns sitting in the room with the patient and work on our charting while talking to them and doing our best to ensure they were as comfortable as possible. No one should ever die alone. It was not unusual for us to go back after our shift to sit with the patient as well.

    There are a lot of adults Sofie, who can not cope with sitting with a someone who is dieing.
    It is too painful so they avoid it. You gave your Mother the greatest gift of all- Love! She may not have been able to talk to you in those last hours, but I truly believe she was fully aware that you were there and heard every word you spoke to her. You are with out a doubt a compassionate, loving and caring person!

    I wish I could be there to give you a hug and could help take away the pain of your loss. Please do not be afraid to let others see what you have shared with us.

    Strength in Numbers
    Sharpy your strength is incredible. Your are mature beyond your years. Your recent life experience will remain with you forever. I lost my mother last year under a similar vigil. Fortunately I have 6 siblings and they were with me for 17 days as life slowly was drained from her frail body. My mother left with a smile and I know she was at peace and happy to be with my Dad once again. I think of her always and her parting smile gives me strength as I contend with my current situation. Sharing your experience will have a positive influence on others to follow your courage and attain some of your strength. Prayers are with your for your loss and may the many positive memories of your mother remain with you forever. May God rest her soul.