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Scan on the 29th of June, and I'm scared.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Firstly hugs to everyone, sorry not been on the board recently, one of my big sisters, this time Lisa42 got me to come out of hiding. I have my next scan on the 29/6/10, and I'm really worried, I know it's scan anxiety but it's just all the emotional trouble I have been through over the last 6 months (husband leaving, then filing for a divorce, then problems with work) I fear that it may come back, they say stress is a big infulence. Also having been diagnosed with recurrent depression has not helped. As you are my family I'm always honest with you, I took an overdose in Dec, then in Jan then last week (so Lisa42 you are a secret angel because you e-mailed me on the day I came out of hospital). I spent two days in hospital, I have been told the antidote to taking an overdose of paracetamols I'm allergic to, so if I do it again I'm in trouble. I'm so ashamed again reading what some of you are going through, and having it come back again your all fighting. And I'm fighting this monster called depression, compared to cancer it should be nothing. I swear I feel like if it does come back I deserve it, but I really want another chance to get myself together until my next six month scan, I don't know. Appreciate any prayers or good thoughts sent my way, will pay you all back for them when I hit the jackpot :-)Sorry for letting those I know on the board down again, and to those who don't know me and are fighting.

Hugs
Sonia

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

I am slipping my arms around you, dear soul!!!! Your feelings are so important!

A bit of a suggestion: try talking to yourself while looking in the mirror (I know, I'm wierd...I do it!) and tell yourself what a brave warrior you are!!! And that, from this moment forward, this person in the mirror is your best friend. And that the body in the mirror is precious...and worth fighting for everyday!

Scanxiety is VERY normal!!! I trick myself by saying "You know, whatever there is, is there regardless of whether I know it or not". (I carried my breast cancer lump for 10 years...the docs said it was nothing because it never changed on mamo's...I sometimes do a 'what if' to if they had persued it...would I have thwarted the rectal cancer earlier?). So I would rather know my enemy than not! "Bring on that scan!" Truth be told, that first year after treatment, I requested so many 'false alarm' scans just so that the sneaky devil cancer couldn't hide from ME!!!!!

As far as letting us down, we have all been there with sadness and depression. Even me, 'miss perky' (my treatment team called me that...lol). I remember a day I couldn't make it to the rad treatment room under my own power. I sat in my wheelchair and wept. This cancer is an awful foe, that leaves invisible scars as well as ones that can be seen.

I guess my attitude, even then, was that my body is very, very precious and is doing it's best to support my 'inner' me. I can't do anything to destroy it. Sounds lofty, but it comes down to attitude!

My arms are still around you, sweet soul! And, whether you think it or not, you are very brave and strong to be able to share your feelings with us...many cannot!!!!

Hugs, Kathi

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Kathi I can feel your warm hugs and I need them hugs back to you for replying.

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi Sonia,

I want to wish you only good things on your upcoming scans. I have been wondering how you are; sorry to hear you have had a rough go of it. Take good care.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

thank you for your good wishes as I need hugs need good wishes as well :-)

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I'm sorry that you are still having bouts of depression. I wish I had the answer or knew how to help you with this. It does hurt me to see you hurting yourself with these overdoses, Sonia. I know you really want to live - but you are hurting really bad.

It's important to remember that we each have to find the will and the way to get up every morning and do the best we can with what we've been given. No one person in this life can make anyone feel all better - it has to come from the inside first:)

None of what you've been through has been easy - the board lets me know that all of us have so many trials, in life as well as cancer, that's it's very tough during some stretches of our lives - these are the tests that we must pass.

You're still in your young 30's and still have so many years of possibilites left in your life - please try to focus on that and try not to harm yourself anymore.

I know big bro has let you down, my own life is under construction as well. I'll be in the hospital in about 3-weeks for another lung surgery, so I will be out of pocket until I can breathe again.

I'm so glad that Lisa has been there for you - she is indeed an angel, and I'm glad that she has been helping you. I'm glad you were honest enough to tell us about what's been going on.

Your scan should have promising results and I can't wait to hear the good news here!

Please take care of yourself, Sonia: I/We don't want anything to happen to you.

Still Bro?
Craig

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

you are still my bro no matter what! I promise you I am trying to take care of myself, just I think as soon as the scan and whatever it shows or not is out of the way I will be ok. sis

Paula G.'s picture
Paula G.
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2009

I don't know what happened. I answered another post and some how it posted on yours.
Sorry for the trouble you are having. It is so awful to hear that you are going through so much and cancer on top of everything else.
I hope things will calm down for you. All my best to you Sonia, Paula

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you for your accidental post :-) hugs

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 2131
Joined: Mar 2010

You have been betrayed by your body and by your husband. You've taken a terrible beating, Scanxiety - of course; if they were absolutely sure there was no growth, they wouldn't scan. There is always a question. We all hope that your scan shows that you remain cancer-free.

You are not to blame for your cancer. It happens to the purest of people; it happens to the dregs of society. It happens.

Depression is reasonable - are you seeing a therapist? on anti-depressants? These tools can help tremendously (speaking from experience.)

I think we all look at each other and think "I can't imagine going through what ... has gone through. I've been complaining about my stuff, which seems small by comparison." Cancer is hard - it's scary and painful and emotionally draining for all of us. We all handle things in different ways.

I hope that you will allow yourself to step back and recognize that this terrible time will pass. The tragedy is compounded by the loss of your husband, but if this shows his colors, then he is not man enough for you.

Look to friends, church, support groups. Don't be afraid to ask for help. This fight is difficult for all of us; your battle is as significant as anyone else's here.

Take care, Sonia. I'm glad to see you're back.

Alice

coolvdub's picture
coolvdub
Posts: 410
Joined: Aug 2009

Sonia,

You have certainly been through a lot. Please don't feel alone, we are all here for you, any time you need us. You know we can feel the pain of what you are going through, cancer and depression seem to go hand in hand. I to have suffered from depression from this. I also know the pain of feeling betrayed by a spouse, my ex-wife cheated on me, I figured I couldn't go on. Then my Dad offered some wise advice, you will thank the other guy later on for taking over your problem wife. He was right.

I also have never met your husband, but he doesn't seem like much of a man to leave you when you have such a full plate in front of you. Just remember your family here LOVES YOU. Please take care of your self, you are worth it, any time of day or nite, somebody is on the boards. Please just come here instead of trying to hurt yourself, we will do all we can to help you overcome the depression. I'm sending you a HUGE cyberhug.

Don

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you so much for your reply, and the warm cyber hug, hugs to you hope your feeling better.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you so much for your words, I take comfort from them. I am on anti depressants and have been refered to see a counsoler or psychologist by my doctor. I'm glad to see I'm back to :-) and I will try and keep it that way, it's hard but like my idols every single one of you, your all fighting so can I. Hugs

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi my Dear Friend,

I'm so glad to hear back from you & I just read your PM to me- I will be replying there next. I'll save my thoughts for the PM- we need to talk for real soon. Not sure how that works from here to England, but I'm sure we can do it.

Signing off to write your PM reply-

Hugs and love to you,
Lisa

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

after donna your like my second big sister that I have inherited and I'm glad I have. Will PM you hugs.

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

Dial 1010229 before the number.

Then the international number with country code, area code, and number...Sonia can tell you in a PM...

It runs about 1-2 cents per minute. At least when we call The Netherlands, which is right next door! .69 (cents) connect charge. Goes right on my phone bill.

Sonia, in Holland it's 09000900 before the number...usually half a Euro cent per minute to call the states. Maybe it works in England, maybe they have one, too.

These are not 'join a club' rates.

Hugs, Kathi

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Kathi,

Thanks for the international phone info! I'll also call my phone company to see what they have to say.
I just figured out the time difference between California and England is currently 8 hours. I say "currently" because it's different in summer vs. other times of the year due to daylight savings, which England doesn't seem to have.

Sonia- we will hook up soon- got your PM- another one coming at ya!
Lisa

sheri22
Posts: 278
Joined: Jan 2009

Sonia

I too suffer from depression, I take zoloft has been a life saver for me, also do something you really like to do I love to sit on my deck early in the morning or at night it makes me forget the bad and just relax. Just take time out for you it will make a lot of difference let us know how you are doing

Sheri22

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Hugs sorry for what your going through, I need to learn not to let things get to me. I will try and learn to let go and look after myself.

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

Sonia,

I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much inside. I was surprised by how hard emotionally cancer is to deal with. We all know how hard chemo is, but nobody really mentions the toll it takes on your soul. I hope that you have a therapist that you can talk to, and like someone else mentioned meds. Although I am sure these are all things you already know. I am sorry about your husband, nobody deserves to be abandoned by someone that took an oath in front of God and everybody to love you in sickness and in health. He sounds like he really is lacking something inside. Maybe him being gone is like the universes way of cleaning house for you. You do not need someone around that is going to run off when things get tough, good riddance to him!

I know that you have what it takes inside of you to pull yourself through the dark times, you are way stronger than you will every realize, you are tougher than cancer and depression combined!

I just had my 4th 3 month checkup last Friday, it definitely is scary, but I have faith that everything is going to be just fine for you too.

Please pm me if you every need to talk. I will keep you in my prayers.

-Chris

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

chris thanks for replying, will fb you soon.

Aud's picture
Aud
Posts: 480
Joined: Oct 2009

I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way and holding you in the Light for healing and peace. And depression is REAL! I hope you get some relief soon, whether meds, counseling, whatever it takes. And you do not deserve for it to come back.
You are strong and you will be well.
Love and hope to you,
Holding you in the Light,
Aud

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

hugs your prayers and good thoughts are appreciated, and thank you for thinking I am strong, dont feel it, but thank you.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

I want to thank my online family, I don't know if you remember I posted back in April about a friend in England who was told she only had a few months and I was debating whether to see her. Well my soon to be ex talked me not to going as did she, she was protecting me as she knew how sensitive I was. She passed away on Tuesday, I've been asked if I want to go to her funeral but I don't know if I can handle it. Her passing has brought back memories of my mum passing from the big C, and I just can't get over the fact I wont hear her voice again, her laugh. I just hate this disease so much, and it makes me angry that good people suffer and that bad folk get away with things really dont understand this world sometimes. So that has set me back as well I do remember her wise words, the day she got told she told me that I had a choice in regards to my soon to be ex, I could let go and get on with my life and if he came back great. So with all your words of advice and hers I will try and stand firm. Hugs to you all

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

I say my private goodbyes.

I find it's healthier for me not to open myself to the emotion, but I DO write a note, however long or short, to the family left behind. Even then, it's filled with good memories and funny stories. My final signature is always the same "You have not lost this person. They have just moved. From in front of your eyes, into your heart, where they will live on forever."

I had no formal memorial service for my daughter, but did take family with me to the ocean to spread her ashes. It was very moving...as we finished, there was a flyby from a local base of 2 fighter jets. Which disturbed all of the sea lions. They all started barking. I could hear my daughter's laughter joining them...she LOVED the ocean!!!!! I still smile as I write this.

So, my advance directive says "Throw a big party. Invite everyone. NO TEARS from anyone!"

Hugs, Kathi

SueRelays
Posts: 489
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi Sonia
Reading this reminds me of what one of the ladies on our CSN chats said the other day....
" I know God only dishes out to us what he knows we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much"!!!!
You are being dealt a tough hand lately. I just wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry as well, and hope and pray brighter days are ahead for you.
I, at times feel like there is no one who knows how I feel, or can understand what I've been through....until I sign on the discussion boards. There we find a "family" that is there to help and guide us through our journey. I hope that the concern and love for you, helps ease you through this difficult time.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

and hugs Sue for your warm words and thoughts

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Sonia,

I want to let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your friend. I hope time + warm memories will help you through this.

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you again hugs

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

My Gosh you have been through so much, no one in their right mind wouldnt be depressed, hell I feel depressed for you. We all have our own crosses to bare, but always remember God is right there with you.

I pray that your scans will be clear, and that you are able to have some peace and not sorry so much, I know easier said than done.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. May she rest in peace.

Do what Kathy suggest, talk to yourself in the mirror, tell yourself YOU ARE WORTH IT, and YOU WILL SURVIVE, cant hurt, I think it will be good.

Prayers for you my friend, we are here if you need us.

HUGS
Beth

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

I'm going to do what you and Kathy suggested, just got to believe in the words I say that I am worth it. Big hugs to you

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey, Sonia.

You are NOT letting anyone down here. Cancer changes everyone it touches, and you're just having a very hard time right now. Don't apologize, just keep working with your doctors to see what will help you. You've been through quite a lot of life changes, my dear.

I'll be praying that your scan shows that everything is great as far as the cancer is concerned.

*hugs*
Gail

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

your thoughts and prayers are appreciated, big hugs to you.

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