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Possible to do the right thing and feel sad?

Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

Don died April 13th. I'm gradually making changes in the house.

I realize I'm doing it partly to get the memories of his youngest daughter out of the house and partly because in a small way it's a way of taking control of my life in spite of the continuing threat she poses to me. If you have to live behind locked doors, at least you can have places inside that look pretty and will stay that way. She never came into the house without rearranging, changing, losing or breaking something. I began to hide the things I loved. Now I can put them out and enjoy them. And that's good.

But the house doesn't look the way it did when Don was here. Some days or nights that makes me so sad.

These are changes I would normally make eventually, but not this soon.

I don't know how to feel about it. Sometimes I think Don would be pleased to see me trying to live a normal life. Sometimes I'm just sad.

grandmafay's picture
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I completely changed my bedroom, and moved the furniture around in the living room. I have been told that that is a good sign. It shows that I have reached the acceptance stage and understand that my life has changed. I am making the house more user friendly for that new life. That doesn't mean that I like that life. It just shows that I have accepted it. I have kept some things the same. Doug had an office in our garage. I have no plans to change it right now. I don't use it and right now have no plans for it. I do think making changes in our living space is good for us. Some of the changes are ones Doug and I had talked about. Others just make sense. We are moving forward. We need to do that. Fay

halsons's picture
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

We had to change things the next day after my husband died just to get my 10 year old daughter to come back into the house. I wasn't ready for that but had to because my daughter was so upset the hospice worker told me to change things in the living room and maybe her room right away. It worked but it still feels weird. I went through my husbands clothes a couple of days after he died and that didn't seem to bother me as much as it does to take some of the pics down in the living room. My daughter is having a very hard time with her dad being gone and hospice told me I needed to take the pics down of my husband because it is making my daughter more sad. I couldn't do it for the first week I was told but I need to get my daughter feeling better so I finally did the next week. Man this whole thing is kicking my butt with the whole stress and children having such a hard time. I have been to the doctor three times this week for my daughter alone. Two for counseling and one for her not eating. She lost 24 pounds in less than two months. She is only eating soup broth and I am finally getting her to drink some boost and carnation instant breakfast. The doctor finally found that her adnoids are so swollen there is not much room for the food to go down which is why she is not eating besides being so upset about her dad. She also had a very bad sinus infection and is impacted from not eating. Hopefully we can get her eating a little and feeling much better. Oh well I know we are all going through changes and sadness on a daily basis. I just feel that lately I have been much sadder than I have been. I found the paper from the doctors visit when my husband was first diagnosed. It was the day before my daughter's 9th birthday last year. He didn't even make it for her 10 birthday. He died 11 months later. I know I need to move forward like you said it just seems like I do and something else is thrown at me. I guess that will make me stronger in the long run. Haley

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Ruthelizabeth
You have to remember that Don's passing has been so recent. So has my dad's. We will be grieving and mourning their deaths for at least a year. You are allowed to cry, and feel sad whenever you want to. I am glad that you have made some changes in the house. It is "your" house now. Don would not mind, and he is very proud of you. Have you considered going to a grieving support group? I think it would be very helpful. Mom, me, and my brother are sad every day. My brother and I dream of dad almost daily. You do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. As far as the daughter is concerned.....well, you know...no comment. Keep that court date, and take care of business! Keep in touch.

terato's picture
Posts: 383
Joined: Apr 2002

The fact that you are making changes, demonstrates that you are in charge of your life and your home. After my family passed away, leaving me alone, I made changes, also. It was difficult, at first, but now I feel the house is truly mine! I am king of my own "castle"!

You make the rules and Don would be very proud of you!

Love and Courage!


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