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terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Although I have not scheduled my colon surgery yet I am trying to make arrangements for when I am hospitalized. Currently I am having all the necessary tests done. I am wondering if anyone in this group has encountered less than understanding family members. I live alone and my daughter will be my advocate. Her family has scheduled a two weeks vacation the end of July and she feels that my surgery should be postponed until they return. My doctors tell me that I should not wait and to have it done ASAP. Although she hasn't come out and said so, I do feel she is blaming me for not having the colonoscopy sooner. I am having a difficult time adjusting to her attitude. Has anyone else been faced with this problem? ~~Terry-IL

pluckey's picture
pluckey
Posts: 484
Joined: Jul 2009

Terry- Just what you need- Guilt Trips laid on you when you are in the fight of your life.

Unless your Daughter is a doctor, listen to YOUR doctor and get the surgery done. depending on how large the tumor is and where it;s located, you don't want the risk of it bursting, mine was so big that I had surgery 10 days after diagnosis.

I am so sorry you are starting out this cancer crap with less than understanding family. Do you ahve any close friends that can be part of your support system? Where in Illinois do you live and what Hospital are you getting surgery/treatment?

I'm in Western Suburbs/treating at Loyola. Let me know if I can be of any help

((Hugs))

Peggy

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thanks Peggy,

I live in Warrenville and will have the surgery at Central DuPage Hospital in Winfield. I understand Loyola also has offices there and there will be a Cancer Center opening in July in Warrenville somewhere on Diehl Road. Loyola will also have their doctors there, I am told.

The polyp is 2cmm and is located in the ascending colon. My other problem is I have COPD with Emphysema. My pulmonologist assured me that they would take good care of me.

You are right when you said to listen to the doctors and follow their instructions. I intend to do that and ingnore any negativity.

Thanks for the offer of help. I appreciate hearing from you.

Take care, Terry

zenmonk
Posts: 198
Joined: Nov 2009

Family members often get angry about the whole situation. Much like many cancer fighters get angry sometimes about thier situation. I would think its nothing personal just family memebers working through thier emotions. You have to do what is right for you.

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Very good point. Thank you.

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi- depending on when you have your surgery, her trip can probably go on as planned. I had mine on June 7, 2008 and had already started chemo by July 10th. I went to my chemo sessions alone (my mother went one time and was bored crazy). She came and stayed with me quite frequently because I was so sick from chemo, but not until late August. Maybe it would help if she meets the surgeon and gets a better time frame for what will happen. Yeah, well, we all should have gotten colonoscopies sooner than we did. But we didn't. That was then, this is now. And certainly hashing through all the coulda and shoulda does little to prepare one for the battle ahead. Tell her you love her dearly, but she really needs to get through the anger and inconvience of you having cancer so she can be there for you through this.

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thank you so much. You're right about having the colonoscopies sooner and I should have quit smoking years ago too. I have told her and will tell her again 'that was then and this is now.'
I will make sure I tell her I love her and just continue following my doctors instructions. Somehow everything will work out.

Take care and thank you again for your input. ~~Terry

John23's picture
John23
Posts: 2140
Joined: Jan 2007

Personally, I'd have visiting nurses take care of things, and let
Medicare and/or insurance pay for the service. Just tell the
physician, surgeon, and hospital that you don't have anyone
to help when you return home, and they'll tell you of all the
options available.

Sometimes, doing for ourselves gives us strength, and the absence
of aggravation and stress from others, adds to our better health.

Good luck, ehh?

John

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

Terry welcome to the forum....bad way to meet people but there you go.....welcome.

I too think you should go with your docs advice...it is a tumultuous time for all.....emotions are running very high. John makes a good point...maybe you could look into getting some home care. I am Canadian Terry so I never want to comment on what will happen post surgery because our systems are very different....our home care just clicks in.

Try not to dwell on your family's reaction....you have so much stress right now

stay in touch....we are here....with lots of love and support...

mags

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thank you Mags for the kind words. I will keep everyone posted with my progress. Tomorrow I will see a cardiologist and schedule a stress test. Once that is done I believe I will be ready for the surgery.
Let's get it over with!!!!!!!

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

John you are so right. I did mention home health care to the surgeon and he also said he could arrange for meals on wheels to come out. I mentioned going from the hospital to a rehab or nursing home but none of the doctors seemed too thrilled with that idea. I'm pretty sure Medicare & my supplemental insurance will pay for everything. Hearing from everyone has given me a new outlook. I feel so much better now and am glad I posted this concern.

Take care and thank you again. ~~Terry

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4907
Joined: May 2005

I would listen to your surgeon, not your daughter. Your daughter does not sound like the best advocate for you (IMO). It seems like things would have to work around her schedule and I wouldn't want to put my trust in her. That's just me but so far she isn't being much of an advocate for YOU. I agree with what John said about getting a visiting nurse to help care for you afterwards.

I have not had the experience that you are having, my family has been nothing short of amazing with everything when anyone needs help. It's how we are.
Best of luck with your surgery
-phil

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thank you for the kind wishes, Phil. I think my daughter just has too many things going on right now. I will ingnore her barbs and continue listening and following my doctors' instructions.

I intend to get as much outside help I can get.

Take care,
Terry

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2118
Joined: Oct 2009

Sorry your daughter is giving you a somewhat hard time. We are talking cancer here. Listen to your doctors and follow their direction. My hubby was diagnosed on 3/30/09 and his surgery was 4/2/09. Taking care of yourself and having your surgery is far more important than a vacation. If she is not able or available to help you then let the hospital know and they will arrange for some help for you when you get home. You don't need your stress level heightened by not so understanding family members. You have cancer, and right now, you need to make yourself the priority.

Take care - Tina

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thank you Tina. I intend to ingnore all negativity and follow my doctors' instructions. The surgeon is aware of my situation and said he could make arrangements for home health care to come out and anything else I need. Truthfully, I would prefer this and in that way won't be dependent or 'owing' to anyone. I really appreciate your input. ~~Terry

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

But you have a plan, set to go, 'let's get this over with' attitude. Which is COMPLETELY correct!!!

But, your daughter (and other loved ones) are just trying to wrap their minds around what is happening. Cancer is a terrible word. Up until the last 15 years or so, anyone diagnosed with it was whispered about using words like 'dying' and 'tragic' and 'wasting away'. It's much harder to hold onto reality when you are the caregiver. And usually they are the very ones that get no support from the 'outside'...the cancer warrior/survivor does, because, well, we are constantly being seen and monitored and checked up on. The caregiver is expected to hold down the fort, hear ALL the results ('we don't want to upset the patient now'...my beau was told flat out that I was dying. This was in response to his question as to whether he could leave me to go to Europe to help his mom, his dad having just died 2 weeks after I was diagnosed....I never heard that from my doctor, but HE sure had to deal with it...while grieving for his dad...sigh). And face the possibility of having to say 'goodbye' to our loved one.

I agree with others, as much as we, the warrior, have anger...so do the people who love us. Don't take anything serious about her comment...although, you might, if she mentions the colonoscopy thing again, say something like "You may be right....but it REALLY means YOU need to get in and have one done.....".

This is a battle we fight alone. Even when there are folks in the room with us. I remember sitting in the chemotherapy room, talking to a friend, when I was struck with exactly what was happening to me...I was able to voice how frightened I was, and she was right there for me, but, after all, I was the one with the chemicals dripping into my body.

Cancer gives you limited choices. And not one of those choices is 'do nothing'. That will land you in worse trouble. That leads to stress...sigh...

Concentrate on you. Tell your daughter that it's ok if she's not there...you will find someone else...don't, by all means, stress about it...you need to be number one!!!

Hugs, Kathi

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Sorry this was sent twice in error to Kathi.

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Kathi, it is a real shame that your family matters turned out so poorly. My daughter and son-in-law both had colonoscopies done last year or so and they were fine. His mother had colon cancer but I cannot compare her to me. As one of the poster mentioned, he had colonoscopies regularly from the age of 50 and still got cancer.

You are very fortunate having a good friend to stand by you. Lately I have been developing new friendships and hopefully they will work out for me.

I will keep everyone posted as to my progress.

Thank you. ~~Terry

thready's picture
thready
Posts: 475
Joined: Sep 2009

Terry,
I would think you need to listen to your doctor. Getting the surgery over would be in your best interest. My husband is my caregiver and he took the week of surgery and the next week off of work to help me. The second week he did not need to be there the entire time because I was getting around pretty good by then.

I would think if you had your surgery in the next few weeks your daughter would not have to "disrupt" her life much. I agree that having a home health nurse come in when you are home would be to your advantage. they could keep an eye on your other health issues also. What about friends, neighbors, church or other organizations that you go to, can a few people just stop in once in a while?

I have two sons. My youngest son was living at home at the time of my diagnosis. He was thinking then that he wanted to get on with is life, but decided to stay home until surgery and chemo were over. He did offer a lot of company during that time. My oldest son just shut down, he had a very hard time with all of this. He is married and just lives across town so it would not have been too much of an inconvenience to stop by but if I wanted to see him we would have to go to his house, which we did. I came to the conclusion that he just could not deal with what was happening. I have been done with treatment for a bit over a month and I have heard from him a lot since the end of treatment . He also looks more relaxed. All this is just to say that we all handle this horrible stuff differently, so please don't be hard on yourself, but you need to take care of you.

Most of us wished we would have had our colonoscopies earlier, but you can't go back. I like to think that I am glad I did not wait because things would have been so much worse.

Let us know when you get everything scheduled. We can be there for you at least virtually.
Hugs,
Jan

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Jan, families are an interesting breed. I also have a 45 year old son. Unfortunately, he has multiple sclerosis and is unable to work or drive any longer. He is a Mr. Mom at home and would be unable to help me.

I do think part of my daughter's problem is denial and the feeling that she must carry the load herself and she resents her brother for not being able to help.

I am going to suggest to her to accompany me to the doctor's office for my next appointment. I'm not sure how this works with doctors but I would like to see the surgeon one more time to get his final opinion after he reads all the tests results. Then I will schedule the surgery. Although I feel pretty confident I would like just a little more reassurance.

Thank you for your input, Jan. I appreciate it. ~~Terry

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

Diagn. Wed, had surgery Fri. For ascending colon. And I was 66. First major surgery, spent 10 days in hospital. I did not have a pulmonary prob, but surgery healing was pretty good. Your daughter could still get the vacation in if you can get your surgery in June. After I got home, I did have help, mostly needed for food. I basically did not worry about anything, except to let the dog out. We are all different, but if you have good surgery results the whole thing might work out. Other than port and checking on who I want for onc. I had to wait 6 weeks till chemo started. If things get complicated from surgery, your daughter would probably change plans anyway.
I also live in IL, south of Chicago and being a senior we have something in common. If I can help with moral support, send a message. Think positive, your biopsy may show Stage1, no chemo..........I won't even touch the fact that you feel she blames you for not having colonoscopy sooner, I have been having them regular since 50 and didn't stop me from getting cancer and Stage 3. Kids just react differently and bless them, we sometimes just need to ignore them and love them anyway. Pat

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thank you Pat. I live in Warrenville if you know where that is. Just a short 40 miles or so from downtown Chicago.

I will tell my daughter about you having the colonoscopies regularly since you turned 50 and still got the cancer. That may help.

I do think she feels overwhelmed with the added responsibility.

I will ignore any barbs she sends me and continue following doctors' instructions.

I appreciate hearing form you.

Terry

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terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thanks for your input. After reading all of these great posts I really think my daughter is in denial as you say. I will keep focused and follow doctors' instructions and ignore everything else.

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

Terry : how extraordinarily gracious of you to reply to each and every one of us. Thank you...it sounds like you are feeling more grounded Terry and good about your decisions...good.

Daughters can be harsh at times :) :) my guess is that she is scared stiff too....just doesn't know it yet...no one wants to lose their momma.

hugs mags

haha not very gracious of me....not that we intend to lose you!!!!!!

Jaylo969
Posts: 827
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Terry,

I just wanted to tell you I am pulling for you. I had surgery in October and was in hospital for 13 days. My whole ascending colon was removed and I had a resection. 13 days in NOT ordinary though.There were just a few little complications that had to be resolved w/me.

I'm sorry about your daughter's attitude but you know, I'll bet she is scared. My kids were terrified when they found out their Momma had cancer.The boys have distanced themselves...like if we don't speak about it maybe it was just a bad dream and it will all go away.That really hurt me for awhile until I finally understood that is just their way of coping with unpleasantness.My daughter has been just the opposite. She calls every day...usually when I am taking a nap;)

Like the others, I too would like to encourage you to seek dependable help for at least a few weeks after surgery. I think you will need it. My surgeon said it takes about 12 weeks to get back to 'normal' but my oncologist says 18 wks. Each of us are different, but you will need some help for a few weeks I think.

Wishing you the very best results.

-Pat

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6440
Joined: Feb 2009

Glad that you are trying to make arrangements for when you are hospitalized and hope that you can find someone to stay with you for some time after. You are going to be really sore and one good thing to do after is walk, walk and walk some more. The more you do, the better you will feel. It will be uncomfortable but you will get your system back working again. Sorry you feel your daughter is blaming you, but she is probably scared and not sure what reaction to take. It's not your fault getting cancer so no one should tell you otherwise. Hope that your surgery goes well and please keep us posted.

Kim

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Kim thank you so much for your input. I heard from my daughter this morning and she told me she would do whatever needed to be done from staying with me the day I come home, shopping, taking me to doctors appointments, etc. This is what I have been waiting to hear from her. ~~Terry

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Terry, I'm so sorry your daughter is acting this way. Sometimes people just feel like their needs are more important than anyone else's. Of course you are the one with cancer, so she needs to put you first this time. I hope that as time goes on, she will be able to respond to your needs with a better attitude. Sometimes people also act very weird when they're scared, and she may be very worried about you underneath all this attitude.

*hugs*
Gail

terry427's picture
terry427
Posts: 27
Joined: May 2010

Thank you Gail. I heard from my daughter this morning and she promised to be there when I need help with whatever needs to be done. I appreciate your input and agree that she may have been in denial. I do know she has done some research regarding after care and that may have been the turning point. I appreciate your comments. Take care, Terry

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

Was wondering if you had your surgery and doing ok.......let us know. Pat

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

I have four daughters with four different personalities. When I was home from surgery my youngest daughter slept until noon, not evening bringing me a glass of water, while one other daughter moved her entire family to be close to me. Love them all the same! I know that the youngest deals with things differently. She didn't want to see me hurting and she didn't know how to express her fears. But she is changing, we are talking more, I learned more about her, and know how much she loves me. With that sad, listen to your doctor and let you daughter make her decision........either way, she loves you!

Where do you live?

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