Family

terry427
terry427 Member Posts: 27
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Although I have not scheduled my colon surgery yet I am trying to make arrangements for when I am hospitalized. Currently I am having all the necessary tests done. I am wondering if anyone in this group has encountered less than understanding family members. I live alone and my daughter will be my advocate. Her family has scheduled a two weeks vacation the end of July and she feels that my surgery should be postponed until they return. My doctors tell me that I should not wait and to have it done ASAP. Although she hasn't come out and said so, I do feel she is blaming me for not having the colonoscopy sooner. I am having a difficult time adjusting to her attitude. Has anyone else been faced with this problem? ~~Terry-IL
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Comments

  • pluckey
    pluckey Member Posts: 484
    Terry- Just what you need-
    Terry- Just what you need- Guilt Trips laid on you when you are in the fight of your life.

    Unless your Daughter is a doctor, listen to YOUR doctor and get the surgery done. depending on how large the tumor is and where it;s located, you don't want the risk of it bursting, mine was so big that I had surgery 10 days after diagnosis.

    I am so sorry you are starting out this cancer crap with less than understanding family. Do you ahve any close friends that can be part of your support system? Where in Illinois do you live and what Hospital are you getting surgery/treatment?

    I'm in Western Suburbs/treating at Loyola. Let me know if I can be of any help

    ((Hugs))

    Peggy
  • zenmonk
    zenmonk Member Posts: 198
    sometimes
    Family members often get angry about the whole situation. Much like many cancer fighters get angry sometimes about thier situation. I would think its nothing personal just family memebers working through thier emotions. You have to do what is right for you.
  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
    Hi- depending on when you
    Hi- depending on when you have your surgery, her trip can probably go on as planned. I had mine on June 7, 2008 and had already started chemo by July 10th. I went to my chemo sessions alone (my mother went one time and was bored crazy). She came and stayed with me quite frequently because I was so sick from chemo, but not until late August. Maybe it would help if she meets the surgeon and gets a better time frame for what will happen. Yeah, well, we all should have gotten colonoscopies sooner than we did. But we didn't. That was then, this is now. And certainly hashing through all the coulda and shoulda does little to prepare one for the battle ahead. Tell her you love her dearly, but she really needs to get through the anger and inconvience of you having cancer so she can be there for you through this.
  • John23
    John23 Member Posts: 2,122
    Fambly


    Personally, I'd have visiting nurses take care of things, and let
    Medicare and/or insurance pay for the service. Just tell the
    physician, surgeon, and hospital that you don't have anyone
    to help when you return home, and they'll tell you of all the
    options available.

    Sometimes, doing for ourselves gives us strength, and the absence
    of aggravation and stress from others, adds to our better health.

    Good luck, ehh?

    John
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576
    John23 said:

    Fambly


    Personally, I'd have visiting nurses take care of things, and let
    Medicare and/or insurance pay for the service. Just tell the
    physician, surgeon, and hospital that you don't have anyone
    to help when you return home, and they'll tell you of all the
    options available.

    Sometimes, doing for ourselves gives us strength, and the absence
    of aggravation and stress from others, adds to our better health.

    Good luck, ehh?

    John

    Terry
    Terry welcome to the forum....bad way to meet people but there you go.....welcome.

    I too think you should go with your docs advice...it is a tumultuous time for all.....emotions are running very high. John makes a good point...maybe you could look into getting some home care. I am Canadian Terry so I never want to comment on what will happen post surgery because our systems are very different....our home care just clicks in.

    Try not to dwell on your family's reaction....you have so much stress right now

    stay in touch....we are here....with lots of love and support...

    mags
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866
    wow
    I would listen to your surgeon, not your daughter. Your daughter does not sound like the best advocate for you (IMO). It seems like things would have to work around her schedule and I wouldn't want to put my trust in her. That's just me but so far she isn't being much of an advocate for YOU. I agree with what John said about getting a visiting nurse to help care for you afterwards.

    I have not had the experience that you are having, my family has been nothing short of amazing with everything when anyone needs help. It's how we are.
    Best of luck with your surgery
    -phil
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028
    Aw, Terry....I'm sorry....
    But you have a plan, set to go, 'let's get this over with' attitude. Which is COMPLETELY correct!!!

    But, your daughter (and other loved ones) are just trying to wrap their minds around what is happening. Cancer is a terrible word. Up until the last 15 years or so, anyone diagnosed with it was whispered about using words like 'dying' and 'tragic' and 'wasting away'. It's much harder to hold onto reality when you are the caregiver. And usually they are the very ones that get no support from the 'outside'...the cancer warrior/survivor does, because, well, we are constantly being seen and monitored and checked up on. The caregiver is expected to hold down the fort, hear ALL the results ('we don't want to upset the patient now'...my beau was told flat out that I was dying. This was in response to his question as to whether he could leave me to go to Europe to help his mom, his dad having just died 2 weeks after I was diagnosed....I never heard that from my doctor, but HE sure had to deal with it...while grieving for his dad...sigh). And face the possibility of having to say 'goodbye' to our loved one.

    I agree with others, as much as we, the warrior, have anger...so do the people who love us. Don't take anything serious about her comment...although, you might, if she mentions the colonoscopy thing again, say something like "You may be right....but it REALLY means YOU need to get in and have one done.....".

    This is a battle we fight alone. Even when there are folks in the room with us. I remember sitting in the chemotherapy room, talking to a friend, when I was struck with exactly what was happening to me...I was able to voice how frightened I was, and she was right there for me, but, after all, I was the one with the chemicals dripping into my body.

    Cancer gives you limited choices. And not one of those choices is 'do nothing'. That will land you in worse trouble. That leads to stress...sigh...

    Concentrate on you. Tell your daughter that it's ok if she's not there...you will find someone else...don't, by all means, stress about it...you need to be number one!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111
    Terry
    Sorry your daughter is giving you a somewhat hard time. We are talking cancer here. Listen to your doctors and follow their direction. My hubby was diagnosed on 3/30/09 and his surgery was 4/2/09. Taking care of yourself and having your surgery is far more important than a vacation. If she is not able or available to help you then let the hospital know and they will arrange for some help for you when you get home. You don't need your stress level heightened by not so understanding family members. You have cancer, and right now, you need to make yourself the priority.

    Take care - Tina
  • thready
    thready Member Posts: 474
    Fun with family
    Terry,
    I would think you need to listen to your doctor. Getting the surgery over would be in your best interest. My husband is my caregiver and he took the week of surgery and the next week off of work to help me. The second week he did not need to be there the entire time because I was getting around pretty good by then.

    I would think if you had your surgery in the next few weeks your daughter would not have to "disrupt" her life much. I agree that having a home health nurse come in when you are home would be to your advantage. they could keep an eye on your other health issues also. What about friends, neighbors, church or other organizations that you go to, can a few people just stop in once in a while?

    I have two sons. My youngest son was living at home at the time of my diagnosis. He was thinking then that he wanted to get on with is life, but decided to stay home until surgery and chemo were over. He did offer a lot of company during that time. My oldest son just shut down, he had a very hard time with all of this. He is married and just lives across town so it would not have been too much of an inconvenience to stop by but if I wanted to see him we would have to go to his house, which we did. I came to the conclusion that he just could not deal with what was happening. I have been done with treatment for a bit over a month and I have heard from him a lot since the end of treatment . He also looks more relaxed. All this is just to say that we all handle this horrible stuff differently, so please don't be hard on yourself, but you need to take care of you.

    Most of us wished we would have had our colonoscopies earlier, but you can't go back. I like to think that I am glad I did not wait because things would have been so much worse.

    Let us know when you get everything scheduled. We can be there for you at least virtually.
    Hugs,
    Jan
  • Lifeisajourney
    Lifeisajourney Member Posts: 216
    Get surgery
    Diagn. Wed, had surgery Fri. For ascending colon. And I was 66. First major surgery, spent 10 days in hospital. I did not have a pulmonary prob, but surgery healing was pretty good. Your daughter could still get the vacation in if you can get your surgery in June. After I got home, I did have help, mostly needed for food. I basically did not worry about anything, except to let the dog out. We are all different, but if you have good surgery results the whole thing might work out. Other than port and checking on who I want for onc. I had to wait 6 weeks till chemo started. If things get complicated from surgery, your daughter would probably change plans anyway.
    I also live in IL, south of Chicago and being a senior we have something in common. If I can help with moral support, send a message. Think positive, your biopsy may show Stage1, no chemo..........I won't even touch the fact that you feel she blames you for not having colonoscopy sooner, I have been having them regular since 50 and didn't stop me from getting cancer and Stage 3. Kids just react differently and bless them, we sometimes just need to ignore them and love them anyway. Pat
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    pluckey said:

    Terry- Just what you need-
    Terry- Just what you need- Guilt Trips laid on you when you are in the fight of your life.

    Unless your Daughter is a doctor, listen to YOUR doctor and get the surgery done. depending on how large the tumor is and where it;s located, you don't want the risk of it bursting, mine was so big that I had surgery 10 days after diagnosis.

    I am so sorry you are starting out this cancer crap with less than understanding family. Do you ahve any close friends that can be part of your support system? Where in Illinois do you live and what Hospital are you getting surgery/treatment?

    I'm in Western Suburbs/treating at Loyola. Let me know if I can be of any help

    ((Hugs))

    Peggy

    Family
    Thanks Peggy,

    I live in Warrenville and will have the surgery at Central DuPage Hospital in Winfield. I understand Loyola also has offices there and there will be a Cancer Center opening in July in Warrenville somewhere on Diehl Road. Loyola will also have their doctors there, I am told.

    The polyp is 2cmm and is located in the ascending colon. My other problem is I have COPD with Emphysema. My pulmonologist assured me that they would take good care of me.

    You are right when you said to listen to the doctors and follow their instructions. I intend to do that and ingnore any negativity.

    Thanks for the offer of help. I appreciate hearing from you.

    Take care, Terry
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    Patteee said:

    Hi- depending on when you
    Hi- depending on when you have your surgery, her trip can probably go on as planned. I had mine on June 7, 2008 and had already started chemo by July 10th. I went to my chemo sessions alone (my mother went one time and was bored crazy). She came and stayed with me quite frequently because I was so sick from chemo, but not until late August. Maybe it would help if she meets the surgeon and gets a better time frame for what will happen. Yeah, well, we all should have gotten colonoscopies sooner than we did. But we didn't. That was then, this is now. And certainly hashing through all the coulda and shoulda does little to prepare one for the battle ahead. Tell her you love her dearly, but she really needs to get through the anger and inconvience of you having cancer so she can be there for you through this.

    Family
    Thank you so much. You're right about having the colonoscopies sooner and I should have quit smoking years ago too. I have told her and will tell her again 'that was then and this is now.'
    I will make sure I tell her I love her and just continue following my doctors instructions. Somehow everything will work out.

    Take care and thank you again for your input. ~~Terry
  • This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    John23 said:

    Fambly


    Personally, I'd have visiting nurses take care of things, and let
    Medicare and/or insurance pay for the service. Just tell the
    physician, surgeon, and hospital that you don't have anyone
    to help when you return home, and they'll tell you of all the
    options available.

    Sometimes, doing for ourselves gives us strength, and the absence
    of aggravation and stress from others, adds to our better health.

    Good luck, ehh?

    John

    Family
    John you are so right. I did mention home health care to the surgeon and he also said he could arrange for meals on wheels to come out. I mentioned going from the hospital to a rehab or nursing home but none of the doctors seemed too thrilled with that idea. I'm pretty sure Medicare & my supplemental insurance will pay for everything. Hearing from everyone has given me a new outlook. I feel so much better now and am glad I posted this concern.

    Take care and thank you again. ~~Terry
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    geotina said:

    Terry
    Sorry your daughter is giving you a somewhat hard time. We are talking cancer here. Listen to your doctors and follow their direction. My hubby was diagnosed on 3/30/09 and his surgery was 4/2/09. Taking care of yourself and having your surgery is far more important than a vacation. If she is not able or available to help you then let the hospital know and they will arrange for some help for you when you get home. You don't need your stress level heightened by not so understanding family members. You have cancer, and right now, you need to make yourself the priority.

    Take care - Tina

    Family
    Thank you Tina. I intend to ingnore all negativity and follow my doctors' instructions. The surgeon is aware of my situation and said he could make arrangements for home health care to come out and anything else I need. Truthfully, I would prefer this and in that way won't be dependent or 'owing' to anyone. I really appreciate your input. ~~Terry
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27

    Get surgery
    Diagn. Wed, had surgery Fri. For ascending colon. And I was 66. First major surgery, spent 10 days in hospital. I did not have a pulmonary prob, but surgery healing was pretty good. Your daughter could still get the vacation in if you can get your surgery in June. After I got home, I did have help, mostly needed for food. I basically did not worry about anything, except to let the dog out. We are all different, but if you have good surgery results the whole thing might work out. Other than port and checking on who I want for onc. I had to wait 6 weeks till chemo started. If things get complicated from surgery, your daughter would probably change plans anyway.
    I also live in IL, south of Chicago and being a senior we have something in common. If I can help with moral support, send a message. Think positive, your biopsy may show Stage1, no chemo..........I won't even touch the fact that you feel she blames you for not having colonoscopy sooner, I have been having them regular since 50 and didn't stop me from getting cancer and Stage 3. Kids just react differently and bless them, we sometimes just need to ignore them and love them anyway. Pat

    Family
    Thank you Pat. I live in Warrenville if you know where that is. Just a short 40 miles or so from downtown Chicago.

    I will tell my daughter about you having the colonoscopies regularly since you turned 50 and still got the cancer. That may help.

    I do think she feels overwhelmed with the added responsibility.

    I will ignore any barbs she sends me and continue following doctors' instructions.

    I appreciate hearing form you.

    Terry
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    Family
    Thanks for your input. After reading all of these great posts I really think my daughter is in denial as you say. I will keep focused and follow doctors' instructions and ignore everything else.
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    zenmonk said:

    sometimes
    Family members often get angry about the whole situation. Much like many cancer fighters get angry sometimes about thier situation. I would think its nothing personal just family memebers working through thier emotions. You have to do what is right for you.

    Family
    Very good point. Thank you.
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    maglets said:

    Terry
    Terry welcome to the forum....bad way to meet people but there you go.....welcome.

    I too think you should go with your docs advice...it is a tumultuous time for all.....emotions are running very high. John makes a good point...maybe you could look into getting some home care. I am Canadian Terry so I never want to comment on what will happen post surgery because our systems are very different....our home care just clicks in.

    Try not to dwell on your family's reaction....you have so much stress right now

    stay in touch....we are here....with lots of love and support...

    mags

    Family
    Thank you Mags for the kind words. I will keep everyone posted with my progress. Tomorrow I will see a cardiologist and schedule a stress test. Once that is done I believe I will be ready for the surgery.
    Let's get it over with!!!!!!!
  • terry427
    terry427 Member Posts: 27
    PhillieG said:

    wow
    I would listen to your surgeon, not your daughter. Your daughter does not sound like the best advocate for you (IMO). It seems like things would have to work around her schedule and I wouldn't want to put my trust in her. That's just me but so far she isn't being much of an advocate for YOU. I agree with what John said about getting a visiting nurse to help care for you afterwards.

    I have not had the experience that you are having, my family has been nothing short of amazing with everything when anyone needs help. It's how we are.
    Best of luck with your surgery
    -phil

    Family
    Thank you for the kind wishes, Phil. I think my daughter just has too many things going on right now. I will ingnore her barbs and continue listening and following my doctors' instructions.

    I intend to get as much outside help I can get.

    Take care,
    Terry