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What They Say -vs- What They Really Mean

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 185
Joined: Jan 2010

They say - You are so strong ! (or) You will need to stay strong !
They mean - You will have to do this by yourself.
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They say - Call if you need anything.
They mean - I will come if it is a dire emergency and only if you can reach me in person and not my voice mail.
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They say - I don't have to worry about that type of cancer because it does not run in my family.
They mean - I can keep my head in the sand if I want to.
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They say - Why haven't you responded to my phone calls or e-mails?
They mean - I don't come around often enough to understand how all-consuming your illness and treatment are.
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They say - You can just take an antibiotic for that infection.
They mean - I have no clue how fine the line is between life and death.
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They say - The cancer patient sounded just fine when I talked to them.
They mean - I don't believe they are that sick. You are just being dramatic.
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They say - Well, everyone dies eventually.
They mean - I don't know how to deal with your pending mortality and I certainly will not face mine anytime soon.
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They say - I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
They mean - (Buzz words for) Don't cry on me when you get overwhelmed.
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They say - Keep us posted on the progress/results/info.
They mean - I can't be bothered to get personally involved and will read your updates with the same interest and reaction as I read the daily newspaper.
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They say - Stay positive and everything will come out okay.
They mean - I am positive that I don't have cancer because I am still naive enough to believe this.

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 185
Joined: Jan 2010

They say - You are going to feel a little pressure.
They mean - I am about to jab this scope inside you so be ready.
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They say - This will only hurt for a second.
They mean - Hold your breath so you won't scream out loud.
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They say - Do you want cold spray?
They mean - I am going to stick this needle, the size of a small nail, into your port.
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geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2117
Joined: Oct 2009

I have heard this twice and it drives me crazy.

What they say: "Well my dear at least he has the good cancer" (Sorry but WTF)or "Oh, that is the good cancer"

What they mean: "At least it is not me"

Tina

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

They say - 'I love you'
They mean - 'I love you regardless'

Hugs, Kathi

Jaylo969
Posts: 827
Joined: Jan 2010

They say " You look good...your color is good"

I say " You don't have a clue. It took me 2 hours to make myself presentable so that you wouldn't go out and gossip about how bad I look.And by the way, I heard you say the same thing about the corpse in that coffin last week..."Oh, doesn't she look good".

And as Kathi said, there IS the other side. That is what we have to cherish. Unconditional love.

-Pat

C Dixon
Posts: 202
Joined: Jan 2010

They say - 'I love you'
They mean - 'I love you regardless'

Hugs, Kathi

Thank you for that! That has truly been my experience through all of this.

Kerry S's picture
Kerry S
Posts: 607
Joined: Dec 2009

The radiation tech says – You’re a tuff old guy. He means - lets crank this sucker up, we have not brought him to his knees yet.

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

lol
I really appreciate your posts Kerry- you truly do give a wonderful perspective on this Beast and treatment. thanks for making me smile :)

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

from you last comment...laughing sooooo hard with this one, as well...

Can you imagine, in the middle of one of my treatments, locked behind concrete/lead doors, over a foot thick, all the lights went out. A little voice came on over the intercom and said 'Now, don't panic, we just lost power, you are safe. We can't get you out until power is restored, but you should (?) have enough air for a long time.' (Don't PANIC????????)

Hugs, Kathi

coloCan
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2009

Someone comes around and wakes you up :
A)to give you another sleeping pill or pain shot
B)to check your blood pressure
c)to take the 27th blood sample in the past 5 days
d)to ask how you feel
e)all of the above and a whole lot more

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 185
Joined: Jan 2010

They say - What can I do to help? Is there anything that you need?

What they really mean - I am here for you with no conditions and restrictions attached. I am not afraid to face this disaster with you and I understand that you will need help and assistance to get through this so please let me do something. We will make it through this together.

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

What they say-you look better than you did before ,What they mean-oh your not dead yet

amyb15's picture
amyb15
Posts: 109
Joined: Jun 2009

I will always be here for you and Rachel (My sister with stage 4 cc and her 14 year old daughter)
I mean: I am here for you no matter what. I love you uncondiotionally and will allways be here. I hope you live a long, long , time. If you don't, I am here for your daughter. I love her unconditionally as well. We are in this together. I am here for you in whatecer capacity you may want or need me for at any given time. We are both stronger than I ever thought possible. We will face this beast head on, together. I am scared too; but; I am not going any where; even if you tell me to.

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Karguy,

I know this one... my one sister in law (the one who doesn't call anymore) often will tell me "Oh you look alittle pale today" Or "you have a lot more color than last time I saw you." Most people actually tell me I look pretty good, and I think that I do- most of the time, anyhow, & if I get the makeup on right. :) But when I hear my sister in law's comment, then I think "Oh great, everyone else who's been telling me I look good have just been lying to me- I look like crap and she's the only one who is honest enough to tell me."
Then I wonder about what is her motive behind telling me I look pale. Did I really need to hear that?!

Yeah- the "Call me if you need help with the kids or anything"- yeah, right- like I'm really going to call someone who has a family of her own and lives 45 min away from me to come pick my kids up from school or come help my kids with their homework? I do wonder why people even bother to say something when it's absurd to ponder the idea that they'd really follow through with what they've offered?! The one person I'm thinking of who offered this help and seemed so concerned and sweet when I saw her has not contacted me once in the past year since we saw each other last.

Kerry S's picture
Kerry S
Posts: 607
Joined: Dec 2009

Lisa42,

I would not be too hard on folks that are just uncomfortable around us cancer warriors. I have a hard time when someone doesn’t make it here. I can never post a comment when one falls as I don’t know what to say. I know I try to use humor to cover my real feelings. I actually get uncomfortable when I talk to fellow cancer folks at the doctors office. It is worst if they are down and have given up. When I was in my 20s a close friend died of cancer. I could not take being around him near the end. Being a blunt type, what do you say. Hey I hope you don’t croak or I think you are going to croak.

We all have different ways of dealing with this crap and we have the cancer, they don't.

As long as I make fun of it, I can handle it. I also know flat out that if I keep my attitude up I feel better and do better in this battle. Hell, it has worked for me so far.

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Kerry,

I guess you're right. I have to remind myself how sad I felt every time (precancer) I would see one of my daughter's friend's mom who had stage IV breast cancer. I tried to be friendly & never knew if I should ask how she was feeling or not. So, I guess I'm being hypocritical now that the shoe is on the other foot. That's our human nature, I suppose. We can't possibly understand how the cancer patient feels until it is us experiencing it. You are right- I will try not to be so harsh in my judgements on others in how they deal with me or others w/ cancer.

Keep hanging tough,
Lisa

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