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Finding it Hard

tjo66's picture
tjo66
Posts: 29
Joined: Jul 2009

I haven't been on here lately because it's been so hard. Getting on here is like makes me think of dads cancer and I don't want to. But....that is very selfish because I am sure dad doesn't want to think about it either but it's here and always will be. Things are getting rough, although his oncologist says he is in remission he still takes chemo and rituxan and getting weaker everyday. I have to keep telling myself that it is so much harder on him than me, but to see him suffer like this..GOD I don't want to do this and I don't want im to do this. HE is down to 106 lbs and has fallen twice in the last week. I just don't know how to help him. I am with him when ever I'm not at work but even when I am not with him all I think about is him and his sickness. As I write this I am crying because I have nooone to cry too. Only to the people with the same circumstances that I am in. I hope someone can give me some in sight on what to do. Right now I really want to run away and not see dad hurt anymore. There are four other siblings but I do most of the care and even when another sibling steps in and helps I still worry about him and it so hard to let it go. I put my work schedule around all his tx and dr. appointments so I can be there with him. My family is suffering because of this and I just don't know what to do. I have a 14 lyear old son and a 19 year old daughter (doesn't live with us) and am married. I know I should be there more for them but I can't stand for dad to be alone. I have asked him to move in with us but he just wants to stay in his own house. I can't blame him for that I guess. Well thats enough said and enough tears for now. It helps just getting it out. tjo

m-star's picture
m-star
Posts: 443
Joined: Apr 2010

wow i really dont know what to say except i am so sorry you and your dad and family are going through this. Its very hard watching someone you love slip awat from you,knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it. My heart goes out to you and i hope you can find some strength from being back on this site.

We are all here to help in any way we can-even if just to listen and be here for you.

hugs
xoxo

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi
So sorry you are having to go through this. I was a caregiver for my dad. He recently passed away on 3/9/10. He had esophageal cancer which he beat, but in December he got mets to his liver. He could not beat this. It is very very hard to watch a loved one fade away. My dad went from 180 lbs to 150 lbs in a year. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to see your dad at 106 lbs. My dad was falling quite often too towards his end. I think it would be best for you at this time, to call in hospice. Hospice will help you understand what you are going through. They will help prepare you for his future. They will prepare your dad for what he will soon be facing. I agree you do not want to see him suffer or in pain anymore, I was the same way. That is why I gave my dad my blessing that it was ok for him to give up and go. This gave him a peace. You are doing all that you can for him. He knows this. It is time for you to get some help. I hope the best for all of you. Let us know how you make out. And remember, it is ok to vent, it is ok to cry, it is ok to reach out and ask for help.
Tina

catwink22's picture
catwink22
Posts: 281
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi tjo,
I'm terribly sorry to hear about your dad, but you said he's in remission. That's not bad news. Why is he still having chemo? I understand the Rituxan that's used as maintenance to hopefully keep it in remission. Does he have a low white blood cell count? That would make him weak, but there are medications they can give him to increase that. Don't give up, it's hard I know, but things could turn around. It gets overwhelming to do everything so let your siblings help and take care of yourself so you can be there for your family. Try to take it a day at a time, sometimes things get worse before they get better. It's great that you're there for your dad in his time of need we all need people like you! I'll be hoping and praying for you and your dad. Best Wishes, Cat

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