lost my love, my life

closs86
closs86 Member Posts: 85
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
My husband John passed away on April 6, 2010 from pancreatic cancer, he was sick for 7 weeks total and now he is gone, It started with what he thought was a stomach virus, felt bloated and didn't want to eat, which was not norma;l for him, he was a big guy who loved to eat, we went to our MD who thought he had a stomach bacteria infection pylori, he gave him antibiotics, and within the next two days he was getting worse, so I forced him to go to the gastro, who gave him an endoscopy and said you have an ulcer, but just to be sure lets take a sonigram, and when he returned with the results, I could see in his face that it was not good. He set up an appointment for the next morning for a cat scan, after the scan that afternoon we got a call from the doctor and he said come to my office pick up the scan, go to Sloane Kettering, or Presbyterian now, thaey will admit him right away. We were caught in a whirlwind that just never stopped until April 6th, He was admitted to Sloane, they took 4 liters of fluid from his gut that night, that was the bloating he felt, the next few days were horrible, then the blood clots got into his lungs and his blood pressure went all the way down, he was put in ICU, where they tried everything they could, so many different things, but they couldn't get his body to keep his pressure up on its own, then his kidneys started to act up. Finally they told him they couldn't do anything else for him, the cancer was in his pancreas, liver and his gut, how could this be, he was walking 3 miles a day a week berfore this started, he was eating, happy. and now he is gone, I don't know if I can live through this, we were married 43 years, I don't know how to live without him, my heart is broken, We were very close and always together, I am trying to keep my head above water, because I feel it is sink or swim and I know if I sink I will drown. I am so sad.
Karen
«13

Comments

  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    Hi Karen
    Hi Karen. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved husband. I can't imagine how devastated you must be. Please know that you are not alone, there are wonderful, caring people on this site. I came here Last July after my beloved mother passed from Stage IV uterine cancer. I was angry, bitter, cynical, you name it. I was still reeling from the shock of finding out my mother had cancer, that she was Stage IV and that 4 months into "Treatment" she was gone. It's a long story and I've ranted on these boards a few times but her medical team really let us down. My mother was a victim of agism, her symptoms all poo-pooed as arthritis, age related asthma (the cancer had spread to her lungs) etc. Like your husband she had quite a healthy lifestyle. She loved to walk and work in the yard, she ate well. Never smoked, never took HRT and rarely touched alcohol. Genetics? Stress? she was a Type A for sure, a widow who never missed Jeopardy, wheel of fortune, Bingo or Sunday mass. I know losing a mother isn't like losing a spouse but you will get thru this. Put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing. I have found coming here often and listening to other people's stories and advice has been a tremendous help to me. My SIL's husband is right now battling stomach cancer It is stage IV. He was told last year he was terminal. He went through so many treatments (chemo pump, rads, now he has a stent and he's very medicated and in pain. The chemo seemed to work well for awhile and then all the cancer came back. I know you don't think so now, but in some ways I think you are lucky that your husband didn't suffer for months and months. Try to take some comfort in that . Hugs, Cindy
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85

    Hi Karen
    Hi Karen. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved husband. I can't imagine how devastated you must be. Please know that you are not alone, there are wonderful, caring people on this site. I came here Last July after my beloved mother passed from Stage IV uterine cancer. I was angry, bitter, cynical, you name it. I was still reeling from the shock of finding out my mother had cancer, that she was Stage IV and that 4 months into "Treatment" she was gone. It's a long story and I've ranted on these boards a few times but her medical team really let us down. My mother was a victim of agism, her symptoms all poo-pooed as arthritis, age related asthma (the cancer had spread to her lungs) etc. Like your husband she had quite a healthy lifestyle. She loved to walk and work in the yard, she ate well. Never smoked, never took HRT and rarely touched alcohol. Genetics? Stress? she was a Type A for sure, a widow who never missed Jeopardy, wheel of fortune, Bingo or Sunday mass. I know losing a mother isn't like losing a spouse but you will get thru this. Put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing. I have found coming here often and listening to other people's stories and advice has been a tremendous help to me. My SIL's husband is right now battling stomach cancer It is stage IV. He was told last year he was terminal. He went through so many treatments (chemo pump, rads, now he has a stent and he's very medicated and in pain. The chemo seemed to work well for awhile and then all the cancer came back. I know you don't think so now, but in some ways I think you are lucky that your husband didn't suffer for months and months. Try to take some comfort in that . Hugs, Cindy

    Hi Cindy
    thank you cindy for the support, I hope you are right, I know I am in a fog right now, it is all bottled up inside, I think I am in some sort of denial and shock, These horrible stories are just so much to digest, until you have direct contact with this sickness, you don't realize what people go through. So much pain from sickness, its just not fair. I just can't get it, I wish someone could explain to me what just happened to our life. I guess you are right I could not see him suffer any more, I am sorry for your loss, I can't understand all the suffering. and why? I am trying so hard to keep going for my kids and my grandkids, I think that it is just going to get harder and harder to deal with this every day that passes.
    God Bless
    Karen
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    closs86 said:

    Hi Cindy
    thank you cindy for the support, I hope you are right, I know I am in a fog right now, it is all bottled up inside, I think I am in some sort of denial and shock, These horrible stories are just so much to digest, until you have direct contact with this sickness, you don't realize what people go through. So much pain from sickness, its just not fair. I just can't get it, I wish someone could explain to me what just happened to our life. I guess you are right I could not see him suffer any more, I am sorry for your loss, I can't understand all the suffering. and why? I am trying so hard to keep going for my kids and my grandkids, I think that it is just going to get harder and harder to deal with this every day that passes.
    God Bless
    Karen

    Hello Karen....
    First of all

    Hello Karen....
    First of all my deepest sympathy for your loss...I am right in the same place you are...my Bill started showing illness in January...chalked it up to "just getting old" he was 70yrs young.
    Long story short got him to go to the ER the first week in March...next day they found metastatic lesions on his spine and subsequent lung mass.
    The only treatment at that point was pallitive and he choose to opt out of it...and just go home and live for as long as he could.
    Took him home and got him on Hospice..best move we ever made.
    His condition declined rapidly but with constant care and 02 support he was holding his own...
    His doctor told me that he had "a couple of months" at best...he never knew that...as a matter of fact..he placed an order for some flower bulbs..to be planted next season...he was hopefull and an eternal optimist.
    On April 21st...he had a reunion with his estranged children...that night he was so happy and content...that very night...he passed away in my arms..while I was putting him to bed...it was so fast but totally painless...
    The anguish I feel right now is right to my core....we were married for 34yrs and in that time I can count the times we were apart overnight....and this past year due to my retiring early...we were together 24/7...and now he is gone.
    I try to find solace in that he did not suffer for long and that he was the master of his care.
    I cry alot but the tears don't last long because my mind goes to the fact that he was able to choose his final days.
    Having him home during the final weeks gave us time to share and we both understood each others feelings...he was sad to be leaving me behind and I was sad to be losing him....but I also know that had he gone on longer he would have lost all independence and that would be unacceptable for him..
    Try to quiet your thoughts and reflect on your life with your husband...with the focus on the living....know that he would have wanted you to go on....we can live though this....the wonderful men in our hearts taught us that....we owe it to them to keep going...knowing that I was a real homebody..Bill told me get out and be with people...get a little job to keep me active....I promised him I would and I will.
    Cancer is a demon...but its becoming more common and so many people suffer with it....its sad.
    We need to keep those guys in our hearts and show them that they left strong ladies behind...
    I feel a connection with you...the time line being so close...lets keep in touch...ok ?
    Your in my thoughts.
    Blessings to you...
    Pat
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    losing your love
    Karen I know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my best friend and husband Sonny on January 12 of this year to esphageal cancer. We were married almost 25 years and have four children. After the chemo, radiation, the 10 hour surgery and three weeks in intensive care he started on a down hill slide. 5 times in and out of the hospital for the doctors to tell us on a thursday there was nothing else they could do. He went home with us and died 4 days later. He was 26 years older then me and always worried about me having to deal with him growing older. I never worried about that just knowing I was in love from the first moment I met him to the day he took his last breath. Our boys ages 21,18,17 were right there with me while I was holding my husband when he died. It was like I was in a fog. Our youngest is 9 and she was in school. I couldn't deal with telling her so our 18 and 17 year old sons went to get her. They brought her back to say goodby and I couldn't even get up to help her deal with her daddy dying. Luckily one of our closest friends was there and helped my daughter go up to my husband to say goodby then he took her home with him and his wife for three days. It has been three months and I still can't seem to breath at times. I also feel like I am just treading water and I am to so sad. I feel your pain and all I can say is I know my husband would not want me to just close up and waste away. It is so hard just to get up and get my daughter ready for school. I am blessed to have three strong and caring sons that have stepped up to help me with their little sister. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do and really who I am without Sonny. It is very scary at times but I have tried to keep busy with work and that has helped a little. I really don't think my friends really get it. I am 46 and am a widow. That is so weird for me to even say. I know several people that have lost their husbands but most of the ladies are 80s and up which is hard for me to talk to them. One thing you and I both can say is we had a great marriage and loved great men who we will never forget. Be strong and keep going.
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    bingles said:

    Hello Karen....
    First of all

    Hello Karen....
    First of all my deepest sympathy for your loss...I am right in the same place you are...my Bill started showing illness in January...chalked it up to "just getting old" he was 70yrs young.
    Long story short got him to go to the ER the first week in March...next day they found metastatic lesions on his spine and subsequent lung mass.
    The only treatment at that point was pallitive and he choose to opt out of it...and just go home and live for as long as he could.
    Took him home and got him on Hospice..best move we ever made.
    His condition declined rapidly but with constant care and 02 support he was holding his own...
    His doctor told me that he had "a couple of months" at best...he never knew that...as a matter of fact..he placed an order for some flower bulbs..to be planted next season...he was hopefull and an eternal optimist.
    On April 21st...he had a reunion with his estranged children...that night he was so happy and content...that very night...he passed away in my arms..while I was putting him to bed...it was so fast but totally painless...
    The anguish I feel right now is right to my core....we were married for 34yrs and in that time I can count the times we were apart overnight....and this past year due to my retiring early...we were together 24/7...and now he is gone.
    I try to find solace in that he did not suffer for long and that he was the master of his care.
    I cry alot but the tears don't last long because my mind goes to the fact that he was able to choose his final days.
    Having him home during the final weeks gave us time to share and we both understood each others feelings...he was sad to be leaving me behind and I was sad to be losing him....but I also know that had he gone on longer he would have lost all independence and that would be unacceptable for him..
    Try to quiet your thoughts and reflect on your life with your husband...with the focus on the living....know that he would have wanted you to go on....we can live though this....the wonderful men in our hearts taught us that....we owe it to them to keep going...knowing that I was a real homebody..Bill told me get out and be with people...get a little job to keep me active....I promised him I would and I will.
    Cancer is a demon...but its becoming more common and so many people suffer with it....its sad.
    We need to keep those guys in our hearts and show them that they left strong ladies behind...
    I feel a connection with you...the time line being so close...lets keep in touch...ok ?
    Your in my thoughts.
    Blessings to you...
    Pat

    Being strong
    Pat first of all let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I think for me I at times think I am the only one going through this horrible pain loosing my best friend but you and other have reminded me I am not alone. It is sad but a little comforting knowing others out there are going though what I have been through and can help with encouraging words and ideas to keep on going. You are so right when you told Karen we owe it to our wonderful husbands to keep going and I thank you for reminding me through what you said to Karen I do need to keep going and so do you and others facing this. Thanks and blessings to you. Haley
  • bingles
    bingles Member Posts: 120
    halsons said:

    losing your love
    Karen I know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my best friend and husband Sonny on January 12 of this year to esphageal cancer. We were married almost 25 years and have four children. After the chemo, radiation, the 10 hour surgery and three weeks in intensive care he started on a down hill slide. 5 times in and out of the hospital for the doctors to tell us on a thursday there was nothing else they could do. He went home with us and died 4 days later. He was 26 years older then me and always worried about me having to deal with him growing older. I never worried about that just knowing I was in love from the first moment I met him to the day he took his last breath. Our boys ages 21,18,17 were right there with me while I was holding my husband when he died. It was like I was in a fog. Our youngest is 9 and she was in school. I couldn't deal with telling her so our 18 and 17 year old sons went to get her. They brought her back to say goodby and I couldn't even get up to help her deal with her daddy dying. Luckily one of our closest friends was there and helped my daughter go up to my husband to say goodby then he took her home with him and his wife for three days. It has been three months and I still can't seem to breath at times. I also feel like I am just treading water and I am to so sad. I feel your pain and all I can say is I know my husband would not want me to just close up and waste away. It is so hard just to get up and get my daughter ready for school. I am blessed to have three strong and caring sons that have stepped up to help me with their little sister. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do and really who I am without Sonny. It is very scary at times but I have tried to keep busy with work and that has helped a little. I really don't think my friends really get it. I am 46 and am a widow. That is so weird for me to even say. I know several people that have lost their husbands but most of the ladies are 80s and up which is hard for me to talk to them. One thing you and I both can say is we had a great marriage and loved great men who we will never forget. Be strong and keep going.

    Haley...my heart goes out to
    Haley...my heart goes out to you and your children....Bill and I never had children of our own..when I married a man with 5 children I made that choice....its a choice I now regret...Keep your children upper most in your daily thoughts...they are still here on earth and need their Mom...I am sure that Sonny would have wanted it that way....
    This Cancer thing is horrific...my first thoughts when I heard the DX was why him? He was a good man and didn't deserve such a thing...but their is no answer for such a question......and truth be told he never asked why him?
    I am so early on in the game right now...tomorrow will be a week...everyday I try to do a little something to try to keep my world from spinning off its axis...just to keep me on the long road back....I miss him terribly but I know that he would not have wanted me to shrivel up and stop living....
    Today we go to pick up his remains....on one hand I am dreading it....but on the other hand I am looking forward to it...I will have him back..just in a different form.
    Stay strong...stay focused..its what our men would have wanted...right?
    Blessings..
    Pat
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    Sympathy
    This time is so hard for you and I am very sorry you lost your husband. It has been six months since I lost my husband of 42 years to colon cancer. The first few weeks after his death, I really struggled. I asked myself many of the same questions you are asking. I won't tell you that it gets better,but for me it has gotten easier. I know that my husband's greatest concern was leaving me. I told him often that I was a strong independent woman and that I would be ok. It is not easy to live that statement, though. He faced death so bravely that I feel that I have to face life without him bravely, too. This weekend I participated in our Relay for Life. It wasn't always easy, but it was very uplifting. I felt that I was doing something positive in the fight against cancer. Our church put together a team largely because of Doug as well as others we have lost to cancer. One granddaughter and I spent the night. I drove our motorhome there. It was my first solo drive. Even though it was only about ten miles, I felt like that was a real accomplishment . a year ago Doug walked the survivors' lap using a walker, and I would never have imagined myself driving a 26 ft. Motorhome. Life does go on, and we do need to go on with it. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with grief. I have found that I just have to accept that. I hate being alone. I am very lucky to have the strong support of family and friends, but they have all gone back to their lives. Yes, they miss Doug. Our children and grandchildren all feel the hole in their lives, but I am the one who has lost my other half. Yes, I am surviving and rebuilding my life. It is getting easier, but it will never be the same. Take care of yourself. Grieve in your own way and your own time and know that you are not alone as you can see from the many replies you have gotten here. Fay
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    halsons said:

    losing your love
    Karen I know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my best friend and husband Sonny on January 12 of this year to esphageal cancer. We were married almost 25 years and have four children. After the chemo, radiation, the 10 hour surgery and three weeks in intensive care he started on a down hill slide. 5 times in and out of the hospital for the doctors to tell us on a thursday there was nothing else they could do. He went home with us and died 4 days later. He was 26 years older then me and always worried about me having to deal with him growing older. I never worried about that just knowing I was in love from the first moment I met him to the day he took his last breath. Our boys ages 21,18,17 were right there with me while I was holding my husband when he died. It was like I was in a fog. Our youngest is 9 and she was in school. I couldn't deal with telling her so our 18 and 17 year old sons went to get her. They brought her back to say goodby and I couldn't even get up to help her deal with her daddy dying. Luckily one of our closest friends was there and helped my daughter go up to my husband to say goodby then he took her home with him and his wife for three days. It has been three months and I still can't seem to breath at times. I also feel like I am just treading water and I am to so sad. I feel your pain and all I can say is I know my husband would not want me to just close up and waste away. It is so hard just to get up and get my daughter ready for school. I am blessed to have three strong and caring sons that have stepped up to help me with their little sister. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do and really who I am without Sonny. It is very scary at times but I have tried to keep busy with work and that has helped a little. I really don't think my friends really get it. I am 46 and am a widow. That is so weird for me to even say. I know several people that have lost their husbands but most of the ladies are 80s and up which is hard for me to talk to them. One thing you and I both can say is we had a great marriage and loved great men who we will never forget. Be strong and keep going.

    Sympathy
    Haley, I am very sorry that you lost your husband. I don't have any words of wisdom, but a couple of things you said really hit home for me. I lost my husband six months ago. I am a 63 year old widow. Believe me that word hits many of us hard at any age. Also, one book I read refers to the "fog of grief." it was nice to give that foggy feeling a name. I would also encourage you to talk to those 80 something year old widows that you know. I belong to a church with many elderly widows. Some of them have said things that were very helpful. Whatever age we are, losing a husband is hard. They have survived that experience, many of them for many years. They have cried and grieved and learned how to move forward. Take care of yourself and your children. Seek counseling if you need to not only for yourself, but also for your children. Fay
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76

    Sympathy
    This time is so hard for you and I am very sorry you lost your husband. It has been six months since I lost my husband of 42 years to colon cancer. The first few weeks after his death, I really struggled. I asked myself many of the same questions you are asking. I won't tell you that it gets better,but for me it has gotten easier. I know that my husband's greatest concern was leaving me. I told him often that I was a strong independent woman and that I would be ok. It is not easy to live that statement, though. He faced death so bravely that I feel that I have to face life without him bravely, too. This weekend I participated in our Relay for Life. It wasn't always easy, but it was very uplifting. I felt that I was doing something positive in the fight against cancer. Our church put together a team largely because of Doug as well as others we have lost to cancer. One granddaughter and I spent the night. I drove our motorhome there. It was my first solo drive. Even though it was only about ten miles, I felt like that was a real accomplishment . a year ago Doug walked the survivors' lap using a walker, and I would never have imagined myself driving a 26 ft. Motorhome. Life does go on, and we do need to go on with it. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with grief. I have found that I just have to accept that. I hate being alone. I am very lucky to have the strong support of family and friends, but they have all gone back to their lives. Yes, they miss Doug. Our children and grandchildren all feel the hole in their lives, but I am the one who has lost my other half. Yes, I am surviving and rebuilding my life. It is getting easier, but it will never be the same. Take care of yourself. Grieve in your own way and your own time and know that you are not alone as you can see from the many replies you have gotten here. Fay

    Encouragement
    Fay, Thanks for the encouraging words. You were so right when you said everyone misses your husband "but you are the one that lost your other half."It is different for us just to have to sleep alone still bugs me most of the time. Just to get through the night I have to take my favorite cologne Sonny use to wear and put it on my pillows. This helps makes me relax to a certain degree and then I can finally fall asleep. My youngest son thought I was nuts buying a large bottle of very expensive cologne just to sleep with. Nuts or not it has helped a little and the way I feel most of the time if I can find something that calms me down I will do it. Funny you should mention Rely for Life. We are all doing the 24 hours in our town this weekend. My sons, step son and daughter and two sisters are all walking in memory of Sonny and of course to help raise money for hopefully a cure to the dreaded C word. We are even getting T shirts made with Sonny's picture and in memory of him on the back of the shirts. You are right when you said Life goes on and that is so true it just seems so much more lonely without our guys.
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    bingles said:

    Haley...my heart goes out to
    Haley...my heart goes out to you and your children....Bill and I never had children of our own..when I married a man with 5 children I made that choice....its a choice I now regret...Keep your children upper most in your daily thoughts...they are still here on earth and need their Mom...I am sure that Sonny would have wanted it that way....
    This Cancer thing is horrific...my first thoughts when I heard the DX was why him? He was a good man and didn't deserve such a thing...but their is no answer for such a question......and truth be told he never asked why him?
    I am so early on in the game right now...tomorrow will be a week...everyday I try to do a little something to try to keep my world from spinning off its axis...just to keep me on the long road back....I miss him terribly but I know that he would not have wanted me to shrivel up and stop living....
    Today we go to pick up his remains....on one hand I am dreading it....but on the other hand I am looking forward to it...I will have him back..just in a different form.
    Stay strong...stay focused..its what our men would have wanted...right?
    Blessings..
    Pat

    Staying strong is what we all need to be reminded
    Thanks Pat I know after a week losing my husband I was still mostly in shock and not wanting to really except he was not going to be there for me anymore. My kids talk daily about their dad and I really think it helps us all deal with the pain of losing him. I am pushing them to do the things we did as a family like going to the desert. We have been twice since Sonny has died and it has been so hard for all four of the kids. I even bought my daughter who is 10 a new quad. She like it but has been the most vocal about not wanting to go back to the desert without daddy. This breaks my heart but I know I have to keep pushing to do family things even if their dad is gone. Hopefully it will get easier for all of us. Yep we need to stay strong. My thoughts are with you tomorrow.
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    bingles said:

    Hello Karen....
    First of all

    Hello Karen....
    First of all my deepest sympathy for your loss...I am right in the same place you are...my Bill started showing illness in January...chalked it up to "just getting old" he was 70yrs young.
    Long story short got him to go to the ER the first week in March...next day they found metastatic lesions on his spine and subsequent lung mass.
    The only treatment at that point was pallitive and he choose to opt out of it...and just go home and live for as long as he could.
    Took him home and got him on Hospice..best move we ever made.
    His condition declined rapidly but with constant care and 02 support he was holding his own...
    His doctor told me that he had "a couple of months" at best...he never knew that...as a matter of fact..he placed an order for some flower bulbs..to be planted next season...he was hopefull and an eternal optimist.
    On April 21st...he had a reunion with his estranged children...that night he was so happy and content...that very night...he passed away in my arms..while I was putting him to bed...it was so fast but totally painless...
    The anguish I feel right now is right to my core....we were married for 34yrs and in that time I can count the times we were apart overnight....and this past year due to my retiring early...we were together 24/7...and now he is gone.
    I try to find solace in that he did not suffer for long and that he was the master of his care.
    I cry alot but the tears don't last long because my mind goes to the fact that he was able to choose his final days.
    Having him home during the final weeks gave us time to share and we both understood each others feelings...he was sad to be leaving me behind and I was sad to be losing him....but I also know that had he gone on longer he would have lost all independence and that would be unacceptable for him..
    Try to quiet your thoughts and reflect on your life with your husband...with the focus on the living....know that he would have wanted you to go on....we can live though this....the wonderful men in our hearts taught us that....we owe it to them to keep going...knowing that I was a real homebody..Bill told me get out and be with people...get a little job to keep me active....I promised him I would and I will.
    Cancer is a demon...but its becoming more common and so many people suffer with it....its sad.
    We need to keep those guys in our hearts and show them that they left strong ladies behind...
    I feel a connection with you...the time line being so close...lets keep in touch...ok ?
    Your in my thoughts.
    Blessings to you...
    Pat

    Hi Pat
    I do feel we have a connection, I was in the same boat as you, always together, never apart, only to have my children, I hope I can be strong, I don't know if I can, I am trying so hard, I went to a counselor today, and my insides were shaking when I left her office, I had to relive the whole story for her, and it hurt so much, this wasen't such a good day today, I wish I could think straight so that I can think of our life and all our happiness, but I just can't focus on anything yet, My mind is congested, I am going to try to go back to work on friday, I don't know if that will be good or bad, I will try. I want to be a strong lady, I don't know life without him, I hope I find strength from somewhere. My son was here today to help me with some things, he came with my 2 young grandsons, so I am really tired tonight, I will write again, please keep in touch with me.
    god bless
    karen
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    halsons said:

    losing your love
    Karen I know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my best friend and husband Sonny on January 12 of this year to esphageal cancer. We were married almost 25 years and have four children. After the chemo, radiation, the 10 hour surgery and three weeks in intensive care he started on a down hill slide. 5 times in and out of the hospital for the doctors to tell us on a thursday there was nothing else they could do. He went home with us and died 4 days later. He was 26 years older then me and always worried about me having to deal with him growing older. I never worried about that just knowing I was in love from the first moment I met him to the day he took his last breath. Our boys ages 21,18,17 were right there with me while I was holding my husband when he died. It was like I was in a fog. Our youngest is 9 and she was in school. I couldn't deal with telling her so our 18 and 17 year old sons went to get her. They brought her back to say goodby and I couldn't even get up to help her deal with her daddy dying. Luckily one of our closest friends was there and helped my daughter go up to my husband to say goodby then he took her home with him and his wife for three days. It has been three months and I still can't seem to breath at times. I also feel like I am just treading water and I am to so sad. I feel your pain and all I can say is I know my husband would not want me to just close up and waste away. It is so hard just to get up and get my daughter ready for school. I am blessed to have three strong and caring sons that have stepped up to help me with their little sister. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do and really who I am without Sonny. It is very scary at times but I have tried to keep busy with work and that has helped a little. I really don't think my friends really get it. I am 46 and am a widow. That is so weird for me to even say. I know several people that have lost their husbands but most of the ladies are 80s and up which is hard for me to talk to them. One thing you and I both can say is we had a great marriage and loved great men who we will never forget. Be strong and keep going.

    Hi
    It is so terrible what we went through, and your young daughter, I am so sorry for your lose, I just don't understand, there is so much sickness around, and you don't really hear about it until you are involved. So much sorrow, and hurt, it is so unfair. You are to young to be a widow, I don't know what we will do now, I know what you are talking about, when you say you can't breath, I get that all the time. You have children at home, you have to be strong for them, they need you. They will help you to go on, I hope I get strength from my sons, they are married with there own children so it is different, they aren't always around, it is very lonely, even with my friends around I still feel abandoned. Johnny was a great man, and I love him very much, and will never ever stop.
    Take Care
    Karen
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85

    Sympathy
    This time is so hard for you and I am very sorry you lost your husband. It has been six months since I lost my husband of 42 years to colon cancer. The first few weeks after his death, I really struggled. I asked myself many of the same questions you are asking. I won't tell you that it gets better,but for me it has gotten easier. I know that my husband's greatest concern was leaving me. I told him often that I was a strong independent woman and that I would be ok. It is not easy to live that statement, though. He faced death so bravely that I feel that I have to face life without him bravely, too. This weekend I participated in our Relay for Life. It wasn't always easy, but it was very uplifting. I felt that I was doing something positive in the fight against cancer. Our church put together a team largely because of Doug as well as others we have lost to cancer. One granddaughter and I spent the night. I drove our motorhome there. It was my first solo drive. Even though it was only about ten miles, I felt like that was a real accomplishment . a year ago Doug walked the survivors' lap using a walker, and I would never have imagined myself driving a 26 ft. Motorhome. Life does go on, and we do need to go on with it. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with grief. I have found that I just have to accept that. I hate being alone. I am very lucky to have the strong support of family and friends, but they have all gone back to their lives. Yes, they miss Doug. Our children and grandchildren all feel the hole in their lives, but I am the one who has lost my other half. Yes, I am surviving and rebuilding my life. It is getting easier, but it will never be the same. Take care of yourself. Grieve in your own way and your own time and know that you are not alone as you can see from the many replies you have gotten here. Fay

    Hi Fay
    Today was tough, I look at his car in the driveway, and see him in it, I miss him so much at night especially, I sleep hugging his hat like it is a teddy bear, it smells of him. I have his pictures all around my bedroom, I feel like someone ripped my heart out, I feel empty inside, I hope that gets a little better, I sleep on his side of the bed and his ashes are on his nightstand, I don't know how else to be near him.
    Like you said my sons, and grandchildren miss him but it is different for them, I am alone, I feel lost
    Good Night
    Karen
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    bingles said:

    Haley...my heart goes out to
    Haley...my heart goes out to you and your children....Bill and I never had children of our own..when I married a man with 5 children I made that choice....its a choice I now regret...Keep your children upper most in your daily thoughts...they are still here on earth and need their Mom...I am sure that Sonny would have wanted it that way....
    This Cancer thing is horrific...my first thoughts when I heard the DX was why him? He was a good man and didn't deserve such a thing...but their is no answer for such a question......and truth be told he never asked why him?
    I am so early on in the game right now...tomorrow will be a week...everyday I try to do a little something to try to keep my world from spinning off its axis...just to keep me on the long road back....I miss him terribly but I know that he would not have wanted me to shrivel up and stop living....
    Today we go to pick up his remains....on one hand I am dreading it....but on the other hand I am looking forward to it...I will have him back..just in a different form.
    Stay strong...stay focused..its what our men would have wanted...right?
    Blessings..
    Pat

    Hi
    I also have my husband home, It gives me a little peace knowing he is home again, like you said in a different form, but it is still him, My husband would not of wanted me to shrivel up, but how do I stop it from happening, I am trying so hare, but I am afraid that I can't do it. I want to be strong, this experience made me a different person, I am still in shock and denial, I miss him so much, I just wish he was here.
    God Bless
    Karen
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    closs86 said:

    Hi
    I also have my husband home, It gives me a little peace knowing he is home again, like you said in a different form, but it is still him, My husband would not of wanted me to shrivel up, but how do I stop it from happening, I am trying so hare, but I am afraid that I can't do it. I want to be strong, this experience made me a different person, I am still in shock and denial, I miss him so much, I just wish he was here.
    God Bless
    Karen

    Being strong
    Karen,
    You can do this!!! I know it is so very hard but you are strong and you need to stay this way. I also wish Sonny was here with me. The one thing I have to keep telling myself is that in one way I wish he was still here but in a larger way I don't wish the pain and suffering he had to do. So I am so glad he is in no more pain. I know all of our husbands would have a fit if we just gave up so we have to fight this feeling. I have had people tell me it gets easier as time goes by but I don't want to hear that. I am going on four months without my husband and at times it does get a little easier for me to go to sleep at night. I have a very intense job as a program director of an adult day health care and an administrator of a board and care for elderly which keeps me super busy during the day. I can manage the day it is the night time that I have such a horrible time with a good portion of the time. I think just getting to talk with other people who are going through the same thing helps keep me grounded. Having to go through this life without our best friends is an experience we don't want but we have to handle. For me having people like you guys helps keep me going. Take care and remember YOU can do this.

    Haley
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    closs86 said:

    Hi Fay
    Today was tough, I look at his car in the driveway, and see him in it, I miss him so much at night especially, I sleep hugging his hat like it is a teddy bear, it smells of him. I have his pictures all around my bedroom, I feel like someone ripped my heart out, I feel empty inside, I hope that gets a little better, I sleep on his side of the bed and his ashes are on his nightstand, I don't know how else to be near him.
    Like you said my sons, and grandchildren miss him but it is different for them, I am alone, I feel lost
    Good Night
    Karen

    night time
    Karen I have done the same things you are doing. I still take my favorite cologne he use to wear and put it every night on my pillow and his so I can smell him and then I seem to be able to sleep a little bit of the time. I have to force myself and kids to talk about him, keep lots of pics around the house of him with all of us. My 10 year old daughter seems to not like all the pics of her daddy all over. I feel torn because for me to go on each day I need to have these pics around me. I promise it does get a little easier to sleep and deal with the day to day things. My husband's car was hard at first but because my excursion blew a motor I was forced to use his car. I now feel a little better about driving the car. The boys still tell me its dads car not mine so I am always being reminded its not my car. We are all here dealing with the same horrible reality that things will never be the same. Just remember we are here.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    closs86 said:

    Hi Fay
    Today was tough, I look at his car in the driveway, and see him in it, I miss him so much at night especially, I sleep hugging his hat like it is a teddy bear, it smells of him. I have his pictures all around my bedroom, I feel like someone ripped my heart out, I feel empty inside, I hope that gets a little better, I sleep on his side of the bed and his ashes are on his nightstand, I don't know how else to be near him.
    Like you said my sons, and grandchildren miss him but it is different for them, I am alone, I feel lost
    Good Night
    Karen

    Each day
    Take each day, each hour, and sometimes each minute one at a time. I wish I could just hug both of you here. I won't tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier. For me the first week was just a fog. It was the later weeks when everything really set in. I had one of the older widows in the church tell me that she was fine until the third month. Then she couldn't stop crying. Cut yourselves a little slack. Grieving is hard work and it takes time. Also, I'm convinced that "staying strong" is over rated. We can't be strong all the time. Sometimes we really do need to let go. It's ok to fall apart now and then. We've earned that right. This wasn't in our plans and our new normal will take time to get used to. Even now, six months later, I sometimes feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes the little things just throw me for a loop. Hang in there and take care. Your world will never be the same, but you will find a way forward. Part of you is missing but still in your heart. The good memories will begin to give you some comfort. Fay
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85

    Each day
    Take each day, each hour, and sometimes each minute one at a time. I wish I could just hug both of you here. I won't tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier. For me the first week was just a fog. It was the later weeks when everything really set in. I had one of the older widows in the church tell me that she was fine until the third month. Then she couldn't stop crying. Cut yourselves a little slack. Grieving is hard work and it takes time. Also, I'm convinced that "staying strong" is over rated. We can't be strong all the time. Sometimes we really do need to let go. It's ok to fall apart now and then. We've earned that right. This wasn't in our plans and our new normal will take time to get used to. Even now, six months later, I sometimes feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes the little things just throw me for a loop. Hang in there and take care. Your world will never be the same, but you will find a way forward. Part of you is missing but still in your heart. The good memories will begin to give you some comfort. Fay

    each day
    Hi Fay,
    You give me some hope, I don't want to give up, I am just so scared of being alone. I am going to a bereavement group on Monday, I hope that it will help me figure things out, I don't even know what that means, figure things out, what is there to figure out?
    I am going to try to go back to work tomorrow, I am trying so hard, I still feel like it is all fake and I am in a whirlwind, but I am functioning, I take care of the dogs, and I am forcing myself to eat, but my head feels like I am not in reality, weird. Hope I am not cracking.
    Thanks for listening and thanks for the good advice
    Karen
  • closs86
    closs86 Member Posts: 85
    halsons said:

    Being strong
    Karen,
    You can do this!!! I know it is so very hard but you are strong and you need to stay this way. I also wish Sonny was here with me. The one thing I have to keep telling myself is that in one way I wish he was still here but in a larger way I don't wish the pain and suffering he had to do. So I am so glad he is in no more pain. I know all of our husbands would have a fit if we just gave up so we have to fight this feeling. I have had people tell me it gets easier as time goes by but I don't want to hear that. I am going on four months without my husband and at times it does get a little easier for me to go to sleep at night. I have a very intense job as a program director of an adult day health care and an administrator of a board and care for elderly which keeps me super busy during the day. I can manage the day it is the night time that I have such a horrible time with a good portion of the time. I think just getting to talk with other people who are going through the same thing helps keep me grounded. Having to go through this life without our best friends is an experience we don't want but we have to handle. For me having people like you guys helps keep me going. Take care and remember YOU can do this.

    Haley

    Being Strong
    Hi Haley
    Thank you for the encouragement, I hope you are right, I am pretty scared, I depended on Johnny for a lot of things, we were always together, I am pretty lost, I am trying so hard to stay strong, but I feel it is all fake, and I am going to fall apart when the reality sets in. I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind and my feet can't touch the floor, I feel like he is still here, my brain dosen't want to believe it is true. But I know it is, I listened to the message on his cell phone tonight, it was hard to hear his voice, I felt like he was standing right next to me. I am going to a bereavement group on Monday, I am hoping they will help me figure this out, I am like a robot rigjht now, get up walk the dogs and so on, just like a robot, going through the motions of the day, I am on auto pilot, when does this stop.
    Thanks for listening
    Karen
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76

    Each day
    Take each day, each hour, and sometimes each minute one at a time. I wish I could just hug both of you here. I won't tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier. For me the first week was just a fog. It was the later weeks when everything really set in. I had one of the older widows in the church tell me that she was fine until the third month. Then she couldn't stop crying. Cut yourselves a little slack. Grieving is hard work and it takes time. Also, I'm convinced that "staying strong" is over rated. We can't be strong all the time. Sometimes we really do need to let go. It's ok to fall apart now and then. We've earned that right. This wasn't in our plans and our new normal will take time to get used to. Even now, six months later, I sometimes feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes the little things just throw me for a loop. Hang in there and take care. Your world will never be the same, but you will find a way forward. Part of you is missing but still in your heart. The good memories will begin to give you some comfort. Fay

    cutting myself some slack
    You are so right I do need to cut myself some slack. I think at work and at home with my kids I try to be so strong and don't want to break down in front of anyone. Especially in front of my 10 year old. Everytime I cried she would jump up and run over and try to comfort me. I felt so bad here my 10 year old should be upset and I should be conforting her. The hospice counseler said it is not really good for her to comfort me all the time that she should be dealing with her own grief. I kind of agree with her so I try very hard not to break down in front of the kids. I like what you said about " maybe not getting better but it does get easier." I hope it gets easier for the kids they are all taking it very differently but very hard. I have put a call into the counseling group for my 10year old. She is still having panic attacks and bad dreams where her dad comes back and tries to hurt all of us. Kind of worried about that but like I said before I don't know what normal is with this. Thanks for giving me somethings to think about. You hang in there too. Haley