just want to chat

mymothersson
mymothersson Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Gay Men Talk About Cancer #1
March 2nd my mom passed away. We used to talk on the phone often. She always listened. Back in Feb of 09 she found out she had AML (cancer of the blood). I stoppped working and moved in with her to take care of her. She never gave up!! I'm having a really hard time now that shes gone. i tryed to prepare everyone around us before she actually died, although I never thought she would. Whats hard is as the months got longer and one side effect after another causes more problems, i became very bitter and just wanted my life back. When she had down days i would play out in my mind how it would all go down. That she would get better and better and i would be free again. It didn't happen that way. It seemed long and drawn out. It was only one year. I wish i would havve been diffrent and not so damn selfish. Most people say its normal to feel like that, wanting it to be over and move on. Well that makes me feel no better. Is there any relief from this guilt? i know I did the best I could with little to no help from anyone. I just want to talk with her agian. And I do, but most of the time it pisses me off that I can't hear her. i thought I would feel her around and I don't.

Comments

  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
    #2
    Just knowing
    I am sorry for your loss I have been apart of a family that has kept a mother home but our care giving was 8 months I think. It isn't easy but how great for your mother to have a son willing to do that for her, not matter what. I have a 28 year old son and he once appauligized because he realized he could be there for every friend who ever needed someone being this amazing brother to them. They were his family, but he hardly came to see me when I was hospitalized through my own battle with breast cancer. Yes deathly ill with a raging blood infection, he was only 14 at the time. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for because I was just glad he was out there being a kid. He had nothing to feel guilty about and there was nothing to feel bad about because just having him as my son was more than enough. You truly wanted it to be over because she was suffering and how are you to stand there helplessly by without getting angry. You need to read the Art of Simplicity living by the essencials of the heart. It will truly change the way you think about life and living.
    We are hardest on ourselves and men tend to feel guilt deeply more than anything.
    My thoughts are with you
    Tara
  • survives
    survives Member Posts: 254 Member
    #3
    24242 said:

    Just knowing
    I am sorry for your loss I have been apart of a family that has kept a mother home but our care giving was 8 months I think. It isn't easy but how great for your mother to have a son willing to do that for her, not matter what. I have a 28 year old son and he once appauligized because he realized he could be there for every friend who ever needed someone being this amazing brother to them. They were his family, but he hardly came to see me when I was hospitalized through my own battle with breast cancer. Yes deathly ill with a raging blood infection, he was only 14 at the time. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for because I was just glad he was out there being a kid. He had nothing to feel guilty about and there was nothing to feel bad about because just having him as my son was more than enough. You truly wanted it to be over because she was suffering and how are you to stand there helplessly by without getting angry. You need to read the Art of Simplicity living by the essencials of the heart. It will truly change the way you think about life and living.
    We are hardest on ourselves and men tend to feel guilt deeply more than anything.
    My thoughts are with you
    Tara

    Moving on
    Hi MMS,

    It's now been awhile, I hope you have been able to "let got' just abit. And, if not, that's ok. There is no time limit on grief, and 'guilt' is part of the grieving process.
    It's hard to move forward sometimes. If you are still in the "guilt" stage, then maybe a caregivers group, or a berievemnt group would be helpful to you. Talking in person sometimes is so much more rewarding than "chatting" on line. I lost my father 15 years ago, and while it never gets better, it DOES get much, much easier. There is no 'getting over' it, but there is 'getting on' with it. And you will get there. All in good time. There is no rushing this.

    I've got you held gently in my thoughts and prayers, mymothersson. Take care.
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #4
    Please don't feel guilt
    Guilt will certainly steal you of any joy from your life. And I would think that's not what your Mom would want for you.

    You and your Mother obviously had a wonderful, close relationship. Do you know it's JUST as hard for the caregiver as it is for the patient? Give yourself a break. My sister was my caregiver and we're very close. But I know it wore her down, physically AND emotionally. She also wished none of this would have happened and that we could go back to normal. Heck, I did too and I'll bet your Mom did too...who wouldn't?

    You have your Mom in you. You take all the good that she poured into you and you give back to others what she gave you. You are your Mother's son, and as a Mother who has a son herself, I know she loved you and felt your love and care in return.

    Blessings to you. I pray for you to be at peace with this.

    Blessings,
    sea
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #5
    Hi mymotherson
    You are not the only one in that boat. My mother died of colon cancer and I was not there to help her, I ran away when I was 13 and told her I hated her but she keep on loving me. When I came back at 18 I was my own man and working offshore that was all back in 1970. I got married in 1974 and moved away to Texas, all my other brothers were there so they did not need me. Somehow through the years my Mom and I got closer together then we have ever been, and we would travel to bring the grandchildren to see her. One day she told me she had cancer of the colon but not to worry about her, a few years later she died. I never ask her to forgive me for running away and for putting her through all that pain and suffering wondering how I was doing. For years I lived with this regret on my mind. One day I was talking to my aunt my mother sister and this subject came up about my guilt. She told me your Mother forgave you long long ago and it was her prayers that protected you all these years. She knew you were sorry and she loved you more then you could image. I have finial been able to put it to rest knowing that my Mom forgave me.

    Your Mom loves you and knows that you have done all that you could do with what you had, relief come in knowing you are forgiving and your Mom has forgiving you.

    Blessing to you always
    Hondo

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