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scared and just plain tired

damama24
Posts: 175
Joined: Nov 2009

Four weeks ago today I received chemo, a week later I had a scan that showed the cancer had progressed. So my onc.is giving me a three week break and will be starting new chemo April 21. I will be receiving Iriontecan and Vectibix (if k-ras negative).But as these days have passed I'm feeling more tired and just generaly feel crappy.I am really worried that I am reaching the end of the line. I'm scared and feeling lost. Sorry to be so negative but my family doesn't want to hear me when I'm feeling down.I know all of you have been there and dealt with all this and will understand where I'm coming from. Thanks for being there. Blessings to all. Deb

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

and yes so many of us have been there and that is why this board is so important. You can come here and express how you are feeling anytime. Its normal to have negative feelings, but like so many of us will tell you, have those feelings, get them out, then get back on the horse and fight. Its not over till its over and nobody, and I mean NOBODY knows when that is. Try to stay strong, I know its hard, been there, but you have to, and when you have those times when it seems hopeless, then come here and we will help you out.

*HUGS*
Beth

HollyID's picture
HollyID
Posts: 951
Joined: Dec 2009

there are days, we all feel down. Today is yours. I don't blame you or anyone if they're feeling like crap. This disease sucks the life out of us at times. I've been there myself. I still have feelings of things creeping in affecting my affect. I often wonder the if's, when's, and how's. things are gonna turn out. It's OK to feel this way, but if you haven't talked to your onc, it might not be a bad idea to get on an antidepressant and see if that helps. Go walking around you neighborhood or work in your yard. It really does help release those endorphins that we talk about so often in here.

My heart goes out to you, Deb. Blessings to you!

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Deb,

I am sorry you are feeling down today - we all have those days, hours, minutes where it is all so overwhelming. I am not sure where exactly you are in treatment, + I don't know anything about Vectibix as I have not been on it. What I can tell you is so far irenotecan as part of my folfiri + avastin treatment has worked tremendously well for me. Prior to that I was on folfox + radiaion - the radiation worked but not the folfox. When they told me last August that the folfox had not worked + I had 4 mets on my liver, so I would now not have the colon surgery I was scheduled for I was devastated. The surgeon's nurse asked the oncologist to come in + discuss the next treatment plan with me. I was happy there was an alternative but concerned if would work on me or not. So far it has! I want to wish you great success with the next treatment plan + hope it is one that will exceed your expectations!

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msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

You are definitely not alone. The fight does get to be hard at times and sometimes it seems that we're just spinning our wheels. Ativan always helps me when it gets really bad, others have begun anti-depressants. One of the hardest things a person can hear is that they have cancer; it's no wonder we have hard days dealing with it! It's a tough battle and the body and mind get tired sometimes. Taking a walk outside can help sometimes, or doing whatever it is you like to do to feel good. Take time for yourself and try to take a cancer "break"; do something today you normally wouldn't do because you think you are limited by your new reality! This past weekend I went out with my daughter and her friends and drank too much and did some stupid stuff I normally wouldn't do (like got up on the bar and danced on their "stripper pole"!). It was fun and I didn't feel like I had cancer! I don't normally drink alcohol, and certainly won't be doing that again in the near future, but what a blast, and I was making memories! I hope you find your happy place and get to feeling better. Like Beth said, nothing wrong with feeling down, we all do; just remember to pick yourself back up when it's over and get back into the fight!
mary

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Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Mary

Your stripper pole story made me grin - good for you!

Often times in lives, we get pleasure in "slices" instead of a whole pie. So, it's great that you also recognized this and had a wonderful time.

And you already nailed it - you built a MEMORY - and nothing, but nothing can ever take those away from you!

That's a real feel good story. Where can I find this on YouTube, LOL:)

-Craig

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

but there are pics posted on FB! One of my daughters' friends had her camera, they always take pics when they are out on the town, so she got definite evidence of my escapades! :) Glad you got a laugh out of it! I had seen pics of this bar when they had made previous outings to it and said I would NEVER get up there! Of course, into the evening, my daughter egged me on, and we are SUCH bad influences on each other! :)
mary

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Deb

Your wistful reply made me think this morning. It made me think back to when I felt exactly the same way as you do now.

Feeling terrible and that foreboding thought - "Is this it, maybe not today, but somewhere?"

I've always said one of the big battles with cancer is in the MIND. It's a very powerful tool, but when overwhelmed, (you can only take so much at a time), then you get that feeling of feeling helpless and that all has been lost. I echo your thoughts, I was there at one time too. It's a sobering feeling to think you might not make it - it's ok to feel that way for a short time and use that time to rest your mind and body - and then when you awake, you will be recharged to keep the fight going.

It's not easy, I know. I did not have this board during that stage of my journey - I had only me, myself, and I, and I was able to perserve and stay strong enough to keep going. So, I do understand you.

And I also know family and friends do not want to talk about it when it looks like it's going to be something that takes over a few days...but the problem with them is, "they just don't know." Fortunately, there is this forum of folks who you can talk to, and I do think it makes a major difference in your attitude, which is another big component. I wish I had known this place when I was in the throes of the disease...but I ended up here after the fact. I enjoy being able to talk with people like yourself and confirm and acknowledge what you are feeling and experiencing - it rings so true with the road I walked down myself.

So, it's good for a little break here - you can renew your soul and spirit and get ready for another round - you've done really well and I've read most of your posts.

No END in sight for you, Mary! You keep going once you get a little rest - something will come up to make you smile and be happy, if only for a few momens - remember "SLICES."

If we get enough slices though, it still makes a whole pie.

I'll close with one of my favorite thoughts on Cancer:

"The race is often not won by the swiftest, rather, slow and steady steps will still get you to the finish line - and victory!"

-Craig

Paula G.'s picture
Paula G.
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2009

Deb,
You aren't alone. Sorry you are so down. I hope the new mix of meds will kick the crap out of the cancer. You just never know. Good thoughts for you. Keep up hope. Paula

Jaylo969
Posts: 827
Joined: Jan 2010

It is true that cancer & chemo can kick the crap out of you...no pun intended. It works on your body true enough but the most horrible part for me has been the awful mind games it plays on me. Feel pretty good one day, wake up in a deep, dark hole the next day over & over & over again.I take Ativan with my Drs. approval several nights a week just to sleep and rest the mind & body because the mind and body DO work together and stress and or depression is harmful towards healing.

To be blunt,most of my friends and family are ignorant. By that I mean they don't understand nor will they take the time to try to understand the effects of a cancer dx and the effects of treatment of cancer. They mean well and try to say little nice sounding quotes...but really I have found that most of them are just too busy to get involved. And to be truthful, they are scared of cancer.At first I felt all alone and very lonely and was really hurt with some of my friends & family.

You did the right thing. You came and expressed your thoughts to people who know how you feel.I hope that today you will start feeling better. We are here, but if these down feelings persist please talk to your doctor about them.I will be holding you in my thoughts and hoping the new chemo regimen does well for you.

Best wishes,
-Pat

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WinneyPooh
Posts: 318
Joined: Jul 2009

Deb, I know what you mean when you say your family does not want to hear when you are feelingdown,

For many years i was my families rock, and know the rock is sick, I still put on a strong front but every now and then( sometimes more now) I want to tell them i feel scared or down, I want them to be there for me like i am always there for them,

I know that they are just scared and they don't want to loose me ( the me that is strong)

I know they want the old me back, So I guess what i am saying is yes turn to us for support and try and understand your families reaction toyour moods hug and remind them you love them and you will be there for them, but sometimes, mom need tender care and hugs and incurraging words. Maybe they will get it, and if not just hug them to death, ( it's ok)

Live, Love, Play

Winnie

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Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Hang in there remember there is nothing you can do but hope and/or pray for the best. Try to stay active, push yourself to lead a normal life, smile, because that could be the best medicine for you.

NED since August. Hoping and Praying......and smiling!

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

We've all had our down moments, Deb. I'm sorry it's your turn right now. I'll be praying things improve for you.

*hugs*
Gail

5678dance's picture
5678dance
Posts: 39
Joined: Mar 2010

Ever since my dx, I have said this is the wildest roller coaster ride I have ever been on! I have a very positive attitude about my situation. Attitude is half the battle!

I also have had several big dips in my roller coaster ride. I have had melt downs that lasted one minute, and some that have lasted half a day. I know that these are normal, but I hate them! My doctor has had me on Xanax, about a month before my dx. It has helped keep me on an even keel. I don't like taking drugs to alter my mood, but in this case, I will do anything I can to get my positive attitude back when it is failing.

Hang in there! Stay strong! Keep making happy memories, and still, let it all out when you have to. You are normal, and this too shall pass! :-)

Kathi

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chicoturner
Posts: 285
Joined: Apr 2009

Deb thanks for sharing. It takes courage to say just what you feel. I wish I could say I didn't know what you meant, but, unfortunately, like many on this site, I do. I guess like the Relay for Life slogan says, Each step gets us closer. You are in my prayers and please know that these feelings will pass. they may return, but you will be stronger to deal with them another day too! Jean

damama24
Posts: 175
Joined: Nov 2009

Thank you all for your words of incouragement. I truly want to believe that this new treatment will work. It's just I was 13 rounds of folfox down with 13 more (minus the oxi) when it stopped working. I was feeling good and positive that things were going well, and then it stopped. I was so happy that i had reached the half way mark with very managable side effects. Now i have to start all over again. It's the unknown that worries me. I'm going to pull myslf together and keep fighting hoping that this treatment works and will eventually make me operable. Thanks for all your kind words and understanding. Blessings to you all. Deb

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