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This is just getting worse.

Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I lost my mom, my best friend almost 2 months ago. She had been diagnosed 18 days before that with mets to lungs, liver, adrenal gland, etc etc etc. She went from being completely self sufficient and living alone to unable to turn herself in bed. She told me she wanted to go so I put her into hospice. She passed in my arms, just the two of us, 2 nights later. The only time I'm not crying is when I'm at work. Sometimes then too. It's not getting any easier. I got a call from my husband's ex (don't ask, please) just after mom passed. Her husband had just lost his mom about 2 years ago. She's emotionally stunted so of course all kinds of garbage came rushing out of her (I am no longer speaking to her - she means well but is an idiot). Anyway, one of the things that she said was, just wait, this (grief) is nothing, it gets much worse. At the time I thought that she was just being her idiotic self but now I see that what she said is true. Now the reality hits. No, I can't call her just to chat or tell her about my day. No more hugs, no more kisses. No more lunches or movies. She'll never bake me cookies or send me another birthday card. I probably sound like a baby, I don't care. I just want her back. I miss her so much. It is getting worse. Holly

Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2010

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the memories you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that he is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd wanted:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.” - C.Brent

Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi Hollyanne -

I'm sorry but I have no words of advice for you - I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry you lost your mom - my heart is just full for you - my children just lost their dad/my husband on March 1. So far, they're coping well but I don't know what will happen as time goes on. My husband was diagnosed with late stage colon cancer three years ago so we've had a long time to get used to the idea of him eventually being gone and we watched him deteriorate over a longer period of time than what you had. I don't know if that would have made it easier for you to say good-bye or not. I think we are all happy that he is not suffering any longer but we will still always miss him.

Again, I'm so sorry - do something nice for yourself every day - I think it will take work to be happy again.

Hugs, Tina

Barbara53's picture
Posts: 658
Joined: Aug 2009

Losing a parent under any circumstances is devastating, but when it happens too fast it's much worse. Like your mother, my dad was diagnosed only three weeks before his death. Even though I was there for him and Mom, doing all the right things, after he was gone I hit a period that sounds like what you're going through. How to stop crying? I went to three grief counseling sessions that helped tremendously, but the healing still took time.

I disagree that it gets worse from here. It will get better, but slowly. All this internal processing you're doing is painful yet necessary. You can't go around it, gotta go through.

Thanks so much for sharing. I'm caring for Mom now, and you reminded me how important it is to treasure each day.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 570
Joined: Jul 2009

Dearest Holly. Please hang in there . Yes it's rough, my mother has been gone almost 9 mos (it will be 9 mos this Fri.) and I still want to scream sometimes. TO yell, to break things, to curl up in the fetal position. I understand. No more cards, or cakes or the sound of their voices, laughing, talking. So many things we will miss. Yes we will always have those wonderful memories but it's not the same and never will be. I have been so angry and I know how unhealthy that is but it's helped me to continue going thru the motions. So I'm grateful for that. My anger at not just the why her, why cancer, why stage IV but the fact that my mother's cancer should have been caught much sooner. She was so careful, flu shot ever year, took her BP meds like clockwork, ate well, walked alot for an old lady but cancer still found a way in thru the cracks like wind or water...you can never completely shut it out.. Honestly, as rough as it's been, I can honestly say it is starting to get a little better. I'm in a better place mentally, emotionally than I was. We're never ready to lose our mommmies (it's okay to sound like a baby our mom's are gone damn it) . and it's not something we can really prepare for. But very very slowly I am starting to make some peace with the fact that's she's gone. Your mom is your guardian angel now like mine is to me and my sisters. I think getting back to my routine (work) helped. My friends have mostly been very supportive, listening, or just including me in things to get me out of my misery if only for an hour or two). A friend who battled breast cancer a year or so ago and goes to group therapy sessions invited me to join her. I haven't taken her up on that yet but maybe I will soon. I wish I had a silver bullet to take away your pain, I don't. Just hang tough. Love and hugs, Cindy

Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

All of you have no idea how much your support means to me. It's hard to talk to most civilians about this. I just feel like everything is in black, white and gray. That the world has changed and isn't such a nice place anymore. But I really do appreciate your kindness. It's like getting hugs, this forum is difficult to read thru but it helps too. Thanks. Talk to you soon. Holly XOXO

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

First let me extend my condolances on your Mum's passing. Like you, my Mom and I were very close and when I lost her several years ago it was a shock to me as I didn't realize she was that sick (long story) so it was a real shock to me too, as it was to you when your Mum passed. That is why you are having such a terribly hard time, it happened so quickly. It's hard enough to lose someone close at any time but when it happens so quickly out of the blue like that and you see them going downhill so fast your mind just can't process that quickly, that was the case with me as well.

My Mom and I lived far apart most of my life but we talked on the phone daily, sometimes a couple or three times a day. The phone still seems very quiet now knowing there will be no more conversations BUT when I think about that sad point I force myself to remember all the great conversations that I did have with her over the years and I am greatful for that, some Mothers and Daughters don't ever have that kind of relationship so in that regard you and I were truly blessed. I know that doesn't make it any easier in many ways to handle your loss but it's nice to switch emotions when you down maybe and think of the great times you were blessed with.

Another thing that really helped me was that I realized, at one point, that I was stuck in anger at my Mum's passing and so I reached out to a good grief and trauma doctor and got some counselling. You would be surprised at how much they can help to guide you through the stages of loss and trauma. There are many stages to grief and it's completely normal to pass through them all, you need to, stages like anger, why me? etc., but if you find yourself stuck in one of the stages of grief too long it can affect your life and that isn't a good thing. A good grief counsellor can get you through the stages and if trauma is an issue, help there too. I don't know if you have someone near who could help you with this but it's worth a try, I personally find psychologists who specialize in those fields the best, in my opinion. Sometimes you just need someone to guide you through the rougher spots in grieving and it sounds like you did suffer trauma in a couple of ways and that is a whole seperate area all of it's own and can be dealt with, sooner rather than later though is best.

I wish you all the best in your healing. I don't agree with what your sister in law was it? said about it getting worse though. I have found that time softens the blow with the proper counselling and being able to discuss your true feelings with those who know where you are, like those on this discussion board.

Let us know how you are doing will you? We all care and have been there in one way or another.

Blessings, Bluerose

P.S. You are not alone in your feelings. My Mum died 8 years ago and now and then when I could really use a phonecall with her I still say to myself 'I want my Mommy back'. We will always miss our Moms but the pain does diminish over time and becomes manageable and we do go on.

Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Barbara and Bluerose, I think that is really good advice. My husband is trying and my friends have been supportive but I think a grief counselor is the way to go. I just feel completely stuck in this sadness. I guess that's pretty normal right now. I don't know. I'm just exhausted and fuzzy. Thanks for all the support. I am very lucky to have had such a wonderful person for my mom. She was the absolute best. I'll get there. Talk to you soon. Love Holly

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so glad that you are going to contact a grief counsellor because you using the words'I just feel completely stuck in this sadness', is exactly what I meant about getting stuck in any of the normal stages of grief. Of course you continue to be sad, that's normal for sure, but it does seem to be interferring with your life and you probably just need an educated nudge to help you continue through the other stages. Being exhausted and fuzzy means it's taking it's toll on you and now is the best time to get that under control for sure. I have been through the same thing as you have with the loss of my Mom and I think it's the shock factor more than anything else that is holding you back right now, it all happened just so fast.

Let us know when you are going to see the counsellor and do let us know how it's going.

You are so lucky and blessed to have had that relationship with your Mom, you really are.

Love, Bluerose

JillyB's picture
Posts: 50
Joined: Feb 2010

Hi Holly,
I don't really know what to say to help you deal, but I can say that I know that even though I don't know you, there is enough love in me to give some to you right now. And yes, I bet it does get worse for a bit. But I heard soemthing once. Sorrow is a fleeting emotion, but love, (and you obviously shared a very deep love with your mother), love is infinite. I'm not going to say anymore cheesy sayings. I just want you to know that your bond withher will never be broken. Hold on tight to the memories!

Posts: 55
Joined: Apr 2010

Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel, I was 23 when my mom died from Kidney Cancer the day after her 42nd birthday. Still 11 years later I deal with it and miss my mom so much. Just know that it does subside and get a little easier. I am sending good thoughts your way.

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