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Future thinking

appleyellowgreen's picture
Posts: 38
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm really in a lot of pain when it comes to thinking out loud about things my husband and I could/might do together once chemo is over and he is hopefully doing better. Of course all of that is implied. Nothing is certain. So when I talk about the summer house, or a trip to Costa Rica or just going somewhere - anywhere - he gets all "This isn't helping me." Well...it's helping me. Sometimes I just have to get out of Cancer Land and travel to other places where things aren't all gloom and doom and you are free to talk about the future and fun. Is anyone else going through this? I am the best caregiver imaginable. But when I lighten my load with frothy fantasy, my husband goes nuts. It's not as though I take what's going on lightly. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks guys.

Hondo's picture
Posts: 6643
Joined: Apr 2009

Being a caregiver is not an easy job nor is it one of great rewards, because a caregiver is someone who sets there life aside for the better of someone else. My wife was my caregiver all three times and I don’t know how she did it except that God was with her to give her the strength she needed.

One of the problems with us is that after treatment we loose our strength and ambition to do things, I am 5 years past my last treatment but don’t feel much like doing anything. When the wife wants to go somewhere I tell her just go with out me, her thing is she wants me to go with her.

Form reading your post I think I can understand a little better how she feels, She gave up her life for me for the passed 9 years, I just did not realized what it cost her.

If you painted the picture I think it is beautiful and agree you need to get your life back too.

Thanks again for your post, I will surprised her the next time and offer to do something with her.

Take care

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2010

I know when my family talks about doing things in the future, all I can think of is "will I be here to do that with them", and if I am here, will I be healthy enough to do it and actually enjoy it. I know that probably doesn't help much, but it's always the first thing that goes through my mind, and that is just depressing. Just talk to him and explain how you feel, I'm sure you are a great caregiver and it is very hard on you, I think we tend to forget about that when we are feeling so depressed, physically hurting, and extremely exhausted. Everyone always asks this, but is he taking anything for depression? It does help.

bluerose's picture
Posts: 1102
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Apple,

Sorry you are still having issues with wanting to get away from Cancer land as you call it and looking to more happier times and conversations but as a 20 year survivor I can say that Hondo does have a point in knowing what it is like from the survivors side too. Neither are easy.

It is only now after being separated and ultimately divorced about 8 years that I see what happened to my relationship with my husband of almost 20 years when we split up. I was a very outgoing person, always doing something fun with my husband and young family but I realize now how much the treatments and the cancer diagnosis itself took out of me and still does. I too, like Hondo, was always being asked to go out and 'get away from it all' but I couldn't get away from it as it was all physically happening to me. Many times, most times, I just wasn't well enough to go out and because I knew I would just be a downer on my family I would tell them to go ahead without me too. I feel now that even though I did it so as not to slow down the family I probably missed so much of my kids everyday activities but what do we survivors do to avoid that? Push ourselves? Yes I did that too but then just wound up having to recouperate for days after - that gets old and hard to take after awhile.

I think it's important for you to understand that we are not being downers and want to move ahead and do other things but many times it's just not physcially or emotinally possible and yes of course when people make long term plans of course we are going to wonder if we will even be there to carry it all out. That's not negative it's just being honest. Yes, being a caregiver is hard but isn't it supposed to be all about for better and for worse? Taking care of a partner shouldn't be a chore it should be something we want to do out of love and while yes it wears you down, no one promised life would be perfect with anyone. We will all get sick and die or become disabled in some way no doubt at some point, why aren't we there for each other?

I don't want to sound harsh at all, don't misunderstand me, I know you need some time off the cancerland thing, as survivors we would like that too. I think what you and your husband need is a good counsellor to help you both through your journeys - separately and together because although you share similar aspects when dealing with cancer you have your own issues as well and it all needs to be explored. I don't remember if you said that you had a counsellor or not but if you do I think you should consider someone else because to me it seems you need more input than you have now with the one you have, if you have one that is. Sorry my memory is poor.

Let us know how it is going. Cancer is a family disease, it affects everyone and to think that we can get through it all alone is not realistic. It's a huge trauma and needs guidance to get through it all in one piece as a couple. I truly believe that. For me it was too late as the pieces of this puzzle had not all come together yet for me but I clearly see where it all went wrong before mostly because there wasn't the support out there while I was going through it but today there is. Take advantage of that support and keep the marriage intact, that's my best advice.

Blessings, Bluerose

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