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Is it just my man or is all men that stupid?

tat2granny's picture
Posts: 77
Joined: Dec 2009

I hate to get on here and gripe but I have nowhere else. So here goes. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful man in my life, we have lived together for almost a year now. I know he loves me dearly, has been right by my side thru the dx, surgery, and now I start chemo Tuesday. The only gripe I have is that he is always thinking about sex, sex, sex. I have told him more than once that sex is far, far down on my list of things I need to do today. But there are times I feel guilty because I am thinking about me all the time. I don't like that my breast are trying to kill me and I sure don't feel sexy! What is a girl to do? How do you explain that what I am going thru is normal? A man has no idea that sex is 90% in the mind. When in my mind 90% is cancer! I just hope he is still around after all this is done. I love him dearly but I don't want any man to look at me or touch me right now! Am I going crazy? HELP

carkris's picture
Posts: 4554
Joined: Aug 2009

I dont know how to comment as I have been to sick to think about it. I am sure others will chime in.

Posts: 1522
Joined: Jan 2010

Maybe he is trying to show you how much he loves you and that you still are sexy to him. However, that doesn't mean that he should expect intimacy with you when you are not up to it.

Sex is just one more thing my poor hubby is going without along with messy house, no dinner, laundry, etc. He says he's so happy to just have me here, he'll wait.

Just be sweet, loving, but make yourself clear as to what bc is and how it just messes with your mind as well as your body.

mariam_11_09's picture
Posts: 695
Joined: Nov 2009

I think we gotta feel bad for men while their preoccupation is sex! Geez!

Does he want you to participate or does he want a corpse? No really, perhaps explaining to him, that you need to feel sexy and comfortable in order to engage in sex otherwise you will be lying on your back counting the seconds until he is done. Don't tell him it is low on your list of priorities as he might feel misunderstood. Cancer really strips of your sexiness, vitality and juiciness and it is difficult to get excited about sex when you have no energy, feel nauseaus, have boils on your butt, missing a nipple and whatever else.

meena1's picture
Posts: 1005
Joined: Oct 2008

Well, i have this to say..BOOT HIM!! What are you thinking, you are going through something devastating, and believe me, once chemo starts you will not want sex, what is going to happen then. He is immature, rude and controlling. i don't care how "nice" he is, you need your strength to deal with cancer. This post makes me want to scream.

Mama G
Posts: 763
Joined: Nov 2009

We had 4 kids and plenty of sex in our lives together, but right now it's way down the list for me. I tried but just can't seem to get to where I want to do it. He's been really good about it, but we don't talk about it. Just tell him we ALL agree with you and feel the same way and that all our men are going through the same thing. TAKE A COLD SHOWER, DUDE! hahaha

Kathy09's picture
Posts: 99
Joined: Jun 2009

I agree with sbmly53 on march 5th response, although if you had alot of sex before bc, I kinda feel for him. He is dealing with alot too.

chenheart's picture
Posts: 5180
Joined: Apr 2003

I was ( am?) trying to put a positive spin on your situation, but am having trouble with the fact you say he is ALWAYS thinking about sex. If sex can be part of the loving relationship you have, if it is a SHARED experience, and something which bonds you as a couple, fine! If there is gentleness and, and loving -care for your psyche, again, fine! It can indeed be his way of showing you that you are more than breasts; that you are his lady, and that he loves/wants to be with you. If both of you are willing and able to physically and more importantly emotionally know that this may not ( for now, anyway) be the sex you used to have before BC, wonderful!

But....if he is showing a complete disregard for you, and it seems like something HE needs as a man, and not actually a couple, and if he badgers you, and paws, and pouts and sulks, well, that's an entirely different set of circumstances! That kind of behaviour wouldn't work for me no matter what! My ex, who was in the medical profession honestly didn't care if I had a 102 temperature and was pratically comatose with the flu~could that be why he is an ex??? LOL Just a thought!

I do not know what your sex life was prior to this, and what kind of communicating you two do. This could of course be part of the "problem", in his mind, anyway!
I say, be as affectionate as YOU want; and let him know that your body will let you know as soon as it's time, and to be patient! If he is unwilling, well, you have a different set of problems to deal with.

When the time is right, not that you asked, but this subject has been brought up on the boards before..and some of us have felt more comfortable "spooning", and, for many of us, a lubricant will probably be needed, as BC treatment can cause vaginal dryness...

Good luck to you sister; this is a sore subject with many of the Kindred Spirits! I hope it resolves itself to the satisfaction of both of you.


meena1's picture
Posts: 1005
Joined: Oct 2008

Chen, you put it wonderfully! Exactly what i was trying to say in my post, but just could not put it in words.

chenheart's picture
Posts: 5180
Joined: Apr 2003


kiki14738's picture
Posts: 14
Joined: Feb 2010

Is he receptive to showing any other signs of affection to make you feel sexy? You're lucky, 2 weeks after my surgery, my BF went into another spin (he had addiction issues too) and is out of my life. I don't want to sound whiny but it would be SO great to have someone by my side during this time in my life. I guess if he can't accept me at my worst, he will never deserve me at my best! :) It's so hard to be strong and the money is slowly disappearing from my bank....bills travel etc; My kids are great but you can't expect too much from a 5 and 10 yr old. I guess through all that is try and communicate with him and if you love him and he loves you, HOLD on to what you have with him. It will all work out if you are both committed. Good luck and God bless!!


LadyParvati's picture
Posts: 328
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm having a hard time with thinking of a good response to all the feelings coming out here, because they are so different from my own. I actually *want* my DH to show me he wants me and *want* to make love with him, even when I physically can't. Even so, I CAN relate with some of this at least a little bit, because I can remember when I didn't want to be touched by my ex. Yet that really isn't the same, is it? So, I know I really don't understand all of your feelings right now, but I do understand your sense that your body has betrayed you and your feeling not sexy.

I can say this--NO, you are not going crazy! You have had a devastating diagnosis and surgery, both of which bring you down physically and emotionally. The parts of you that meant femininity and sexual pleasure seem to have betrayed you, and so you don't feel sexy at all--of course! Yet your guy wants you to know that you ARE still sexy to him. For him, your having had this nasty diagnosis and the surgery haven't changed what he loves and desires about you.

Next, you're facing the beginning of chemo--a long haul through weeks and months of pouring toxic substances into your body, which is definitely not going to contribute to you feeling like making love. Even if you did feel like it, it likely won't be comfortable.

This is really such a horrible clash of needs! He loves you and wants you; you love him and don't want anything except to be left alone. What to do???

I'm wondering if this might be a good time to engage in some counseling together, just to help the two of you understand each others' disparate needs and hopes for this relationship better and to help you figure out how to get through the next few months. Counseling might be helpful for you in dealing with your body's seeming betrayal, and it could help your guy understand how important it is to be patient and put sex on the back burner for awhile. Your oncologist may not want you to have sex during chemo, anyway; some recommend against it, though not all. If your guy is willing to go with you for some counseling, it could really help the two of you get through the next months with an intact relationship and even deeper love for each other.

I wish you all the best working through this awful time!

Hugs, Sandy

tat2granny's picture
Posts: 77
Joined: Dec 2009

To all that have commented. It really helps a lot knowing I'm not the only one.

Skeezie's picture
Posts: 586
Joined: Aug 2009

this dilema and so many good points, but of course no one can know exactly what's going on except the two of you. You mite want to have him read these posts, perhaps he should see what everyone else is thinking on this subject. Was he like this before your dx? Think back, were you so "twitter-painted" at being sought after that you didn't notice he is possibly demanding? Regardless of his needs, right now yours must come first. This takes first place in everything. You guys have only been together for a year and you are still in the getting to know you stage...you are now getting a crash course in what kind of person he mite be. But it's possible he's innocent and trying to make you feel better. You guys really need to sit down and talk about this and lay it all out for him.

But again,let him see all of these posts.

Good luck,

Hugs, Judy :-)

Posts: 2515
Joined: May 2009

If he can't take no FOR A VERY GOOD REASON, suggest he take a cold shower and become friendly with his hand!

I'm sorry, I don't know the man and I hate to judge him but he sounds selfish.....if he can't grasp what you are going through, perhaps he should talk to your oncologist and HAVE HIM EXPLAIN it to him! My husband has had the patience of a saint! IT's never been an issue for us, since this started one year ago........He gets it! Trust me once you start chemo, on a list of priorities, SEX won't even make the list! IT just isn't on our radar screen! I, personally, wouldn't and DIDN't feel guilty in the least......you are fighting for your life! IF he can't grasp that, I have no other advice.......
I wish you the best in starting your chemo......

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