Craptastic day

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Chemo_Princess
Chemo_Princess Member Posts: 105
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
So I've been sick since April 2009 and still have a tumor. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be in remission. Today I had a break down and cried because I'm sick of being sick. I think it's just starting to sink in that I'll never be 'normal' again. I've been in denial. This sucks and I HATE CANCER!!!! I feel like a whiny baby and I really am thankful to be alive but enough is enough. Am I alone or do others have days like this too?

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  • JoanC
    JoanC Member Posts: 231
    #2
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    OH YEA!
    Oh Yea, we have all had those days! I know what you are feeling but we have to keep fighting.We just have our crappy times and then move forward. You look so cute with your "pink" wig.
    (((HUGS))) Joan
  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #3
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    JoanC said:

    OH YEA!
    Oh Yea, we have all had those days! I know what you are feeling but we have to keep fighting.We just have our crappy times and then move forward. You look so cute with your "pink" wig.
    (((HUGS))) Joan

    Crappy Day? You
    Crappy Day? You Betcha!

    Please know you are not alone in this. The day I realized that my life would never be the same ( I mean when it really sunk in that the rest of my days would mean, dr. appointments, tests, treatments, no longer in control). Yes I prided myself on being in control ( or so I thought) of every moment of each day, so that hit me pretty hard. That no matter what I do from this day forward, the word "cancer" would always be attached to it. :-(

    I cried, screamed, asked God why? At the end of all of this, there were still no answers, at least none that would ever satisfy me.

    But at the end of the day I have lived 53 wonderful years (Many never get to live this long).

    I must say my life has truly been blessed with hardly any complaints because life is never perfect anyway.

    With the help of my Lexapro during these bouts (no longer on it ...yea), I discovered that I can either live with cancer or let cancer destroy my life. Of course I'll never be over this cancer journey and the life I had before cancer will never return, so I'm looking at 3 year survival with stage 4 ovarian cancer as a second chance. Literally. A second chance to learn to make each day a day of joy. A second chance to correct/make amends any issues that hung over my head. A second chance to rediscover the word of God. Finally , a second chance to be appreciative of the life I had before and the remainder of my life ahead.

    This will take time for you to learn to live with this. Don't let this disease take over your life to the point to where you can't even function anymore. It will happen, but count any blessings you have, fight and refuse to let cancer zap your beautiful spirit in the long run.

    I know your spirit is beautiful because only a beautiful spirit can don an adorable pink wig!

    If I weren't having hot flashes all the time, I'd wear one too, but I'm cool as is.

    Hang In There Pleasssse

    Sharon
  • BonnieR
    BonnieR Member Posts: 1,526 Member
    #4
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    Tears cleanse the Soul :-)
    We all have them crappy days, and once you have a good cry, or shout, or whatever works for you ~ you'll show cancer how well you can live life to the fullest inspite of cancer. Take it from a seven year veteran who has never danced with NED .. life is still good. :-)

    Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie
  • nancy591
    nancy591 Member Posts: 1,027 Member
    #5
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    YES!
    Yes, I was sick of being sick. I would say those exact same words. Are you on carbo/taxol? I started to feel that way at the end of my first regimen. I realize too that my life will never be the same and life for everyone else goes on. Sometimes I feel that people just don't understand what it is like for us. Where are you in your treatment? I had an 8 month remission but I'll honestly say I lived in fear for all those months. I do go on two vacations though!! I have two young kids at home so I don't have a lot of time to feel sorry for myself. I started seeing a psychologist but I have not felt the need to take antidepressants or antianxiety yet.
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #6
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    craptastic days
    I know those days, when all you want is your life back! I often feel like "cancer girl" and that I can never escape this condition for even an hour. Then I swing over to the days when I wake up and I'm soooo thankful for this day there is no chemo infusion, no metal mouth, etc. and I'm almost giddy just be left alone.
    (((HUGS)))) Maria
  • catcan
    catcan Member Posts: 119
    #7
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    absolutely
    We all have those days. Crying is good for you and we always feel better after. I too was diagnosed last April. I haven't had remission yet and just statrted my second round of chemo yesterday. I just remember the things I have to be thankful for. This has really made me take a good hard look at my life and figure out whats important. I thank God everday for my family and friends and the friends i hae on this web site supporting me. We are all here to help you. Remember you are very normal in our group.

    Lots of love and hugs

    Cat
  • Mawty
    Mawty Member Posts: 133
    #8
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    catcan said:

    absolutely
    We all have those days. Crying is good for you and we always feel better after. I too was diagnosed last April. I haven't had remission yet and just statrted my second round of chemo yesterday. I just remember the things I have to be thankful for. This has really made me take a good hard look at my life and figure out whats important. I thank God everday for my family and friends and the friends i hae on this web site supporting me. We are all here to help you. Remember you are very normal in our group.

    Lots of love and hugs

    Cat

    Those days
    Oh man, can I relate. Right now I'm just angry at the cancer because I can't do the things I want to do without having to revise and take rests and lie down. I want to work and then go to book club and out to eat, but I usually can't finish a full day (on chemo again) and then can do nothing in the evening. I want to feel good and just go about business. I know this will pass. We all go through these feelings off and on. I just happen to be in a stage when I'm mad. Just mad that this disease has changed my life.

    When I say all that, though, I know it will pass and I'll be my happy self again. And I usually don't show it to anyone. I did tell my husband this morning, and he said he completely understood, which made me feel better. :-)

    Marty
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #9
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    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from. I have only cried twice over my illness. I cried when the doctor said "Its bad news I'm afraid" (Oct 09) and last week after seeing the oncologist. He actually gave me some good results from my CT scan but realisation just hit home.I'VE GOT CANCER and I cried cos I was scared.

    I've been acting in denial and acting like this really up-beat positive person and something has to give sometime. So having a down day is perfectly OK and in actual fact having a good cry made me feel better afterwards.

    You do have a similar attitude to me and it is good that we are positive and open about our cancer. But don't beat yourself up when you feel sad or scared because it is what makes us who we are and we are entilted to cry if we feel afraid :)

    Lots of love Tina xxxxx
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #10
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    Tina Brown said:

    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from. I have only cried twice over my illness. I cried when the doctor said "Its bad news I'm afraid" (Oct 09) and last week after seeing the oncologist. He actually gave me some good results from my CT scan but realisation just hit home.I'VE GOT CANCER and I cried cos I was scared.

    I've been acting in denial and acting like this really up-beat positive person and something has to give sometime. So having a down day is perfectly OK and in actual fact having a good cry made me feel better afterwards.

    You do have a similar attitude to me and it is good that we are positive and open about our cancer. But don't beat yourself up when you feel sad or scared because it is what makes us who we are and we are entilted to cry if we feel afraid :)

    Lots of love Tina xxxxx

    Whoops
    Sorry I clicked on "post comment" more than once :(O
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #11
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    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from.
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #12
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    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from.
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #13
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    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from.
  • Tina Brown
    Tina Brown Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #14
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    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from.
  • Chemo_Princess
    Chemo_Princess Member Posts: 105
    #15
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    nancy591 said:

    YES!
    Yes, I was sick of being sick. I would say those exact same words. Are you on carbo/taxol? I started to feel that way at the end of my first regimen. I realize too that my life will never be the same and life for everyone else goes on. Sometimes I feel that people just don't understand what it is like for us. Where are you in your treatment? I had an 8 month remission but I'll honestly say I lived in fear for all those months. I do go on two vacations though!! I have two young kids at home so I don't have a lot of time to feel sorry for myself. I started seeing a psychologist but I have not felt the need to take antidepressants or antianxiety yet.

    treatment
    I did carbo/taxol/something else that I don't remember--6 cycles. Then my PET scan confirmed a tumor is still there so now I'm on Avastin. Just completed cycle 5 today. I am on an antidepressant and antianxiety meds. It's a good thing, I don't think I could handle this otherwise. Blessings~Natalie
  • Chemo_Princess
    Chemo_Princess Member Posts: 105
    #16
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    Tina Brown said:

    Hi Chemo Princess
    I really get you & I really get where you are coming from. I have only cried twice over my illness. I cried when the doctor said "Its bad news I'm afraid" (Oct 09) and last week after seeing the oncologist. He actually gave me some good results from my CT scan but realisation just hit home.I'VE GOT CANCER and I cried cos I was scared.

    I've been acting in denial and acting like this really up-beat positive person and something has to give sometime. So having a down day is perfectly OK and in actual fact having a good cry made me feel better afterwards.

    You do have a similar attitude to me and it is good that we are positive and open about our cancer. But don't beat yourself up when you feel sad or scared because it is what makes us who we are and we are entilted to cry if we feel afraid :)

    Lots of love Tina xxxxx

    YES!!
    That's what I've been doing; I feel like I have to be strong and not let it get to me all of the time. Thank God I don't have kids, but I feel awfully bad for my parents so I'm always like 'yeah, I feel fine' even if it's not true. I need to stop doing that.
    Blessings to you Tina!! Natalie
  • Chemo_Princess
    Chemo_Princess Member Posts: 105
    #17
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    thanks
    Thanks to all of you!! It's good to know it's normal to have an off day or a sad day. I'm much better today. Had chemo this morning and I'm off next week. whoo-hoo!! :-)
    Blessings and prayers to all of you wonderful ladies!! Natalie
  • Susan523
    Susan523 Member Posts: 231 Member
    #18
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    Chemo_Princess said:

    thanks
    Thanks to all of you!! It's good to know it's normal to have an off day or a sad day. I'm much better today. Had chemo this morning and I'm off next week. whoo-hoo!! :-)
    Blessings and prayers to all of you wonderful ladies!! Natalie

    We're all in this together, aren't we?
    Wow, Natalie,

    I just posted my sob-story of the day, and then I found your post with ALL of these encouraging replies! It's great to have the support here, isn't it? I've certainly done my share of crying today; in fact, it was probably long over-due and needed.

    I think I'll get me one of those pink wigs, too! Looks fun, and you are beautiful.

    Hang in there~

    ~Susan xoxo

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