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sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Hey All,

I know you guys might going to hate me now as I know this is the wrong site but since I know many of you already, I feel more comfortable asking here Angelbaby and others...how do you guys get over of a loved one? I know this is really bad to ask here, where you guys are going through this whole stupid cancer, but....some of you probably will recognize my moniken and know my mom left at the end of the summer due to this...and I don't know...I'm soooo mad, and resentful and no matter how hard I try to huss it away as it surfaces me, it keeps coming back! And I cannot complain, I've got adopted by a very nice couple, moved here to the US (from Europe) and life is a lot nicer here than at home but...I'm still complaining, I guess. And the people that are my "parents" now, are awesome, but I don't know...I just don't trust them to talk about this whole thing. But you guys know me, and I feel better about asking you guys (that had experience on this) how to forget, and move on! I know, I'm really bad for asking here, and I really apologize I don't want to bring you guys down! Please! Don't get down! And I wish you all the best, and I want to hear more and more people saying how they are NED!
Take care all!

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

Help me to understand-
your mom died of cancer this summer- your biological one? and you are struggling to get over her death? right?
First, I am sorry. I don't know you, but I am reading how really hard this has been for you and you are at a loss with how to handle it all. Second I just want to validate that what you are feeling is so normal- most of us struggle for a long time after the death of a loved one. Years after my father's tragic death, a memory would come to me, and it would be like waves of pain washing over my soul. It will be 20 years on Feb 9th- it has gotten easier in some ways it isn't as painful. But then it is harder in other ways- all the things he has missed, the grandchildren he never knew, his first great-grandchild- and how my own children will never know him and that to me is so sad. And I fight so hard to keep his memory alive- how I comment on my oldest has his grandfather's eyebrows and my youngest love of cars is just "like your grandfather!". I have worked hard to find a peaceful place with all of it and it hasn't been easy.
I think there is a lot in what you shared- lost years, sounds like painful and hard years- did you just connect recently with your bio mother? I think there is probably a whole lot inside of you that your mother's death uncorked, so to speak. I want to encourage a couple of things- journaling- writing letters to yourself, to your mother, to your past life- talking to family and friends, reviewing the memories- finding the words to your pain and sharing that with another human being can be so very helpfu. I used to force myself outside into the fresh air and would walk and think, walk and cry for miles. I would come home, exhausted, but better able to handle the rest of my day. It all takes time. I would also like to encourage you working with a counselor or therapist. One maybe who specializes in grief.
and? this is the right place for your pain. Never doubt that.

hugs

ann2008's picture
ann2008
Posts: 119
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello, everyone is welcome here. Wish you had come sooner. What you are feeling is a normal reaction for someone who has lost a loved one, esp. to a senseless disease such as cancer. Please talk to your "parents" or to a teacher, preacher. Someone you can vent your feelings to. Keeping them locked away doesn't help and can cause you problems in the future. Please don't ever feel bad for coming here and asking questions. Ann

lcarper2
Posts: 638
Joined: Dec 2009

I am sorry about your loss and you are at a normal stage in the grieving process and It will get better but you should ask your adoptive parents to get you into breivement(sp) class they will help and you can talk with others going through the same thing and you can work through all the emotions you are not sure how to handle. I lost both of my parents several yrs ago and some days like birthdays or christmas it feels like yesterday. Please seek help and keep us posted we care here and will do what ever we can to help you.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Hi, dear.

I remember when you posted about your mom, and I know it must be still so fresh a pain for you. It really hasn't been that long, so it's understandable that you're still going through so many emotions.

My grandmother died from heart disease, not cancer, but I do remember my mother grieving tremendously over it, even though she was an adult and mother of 6 when it happened. She began using a nightlight, because she couldn't face the dark after losing her mother.

I think time is the best healer you have, and you really will feel better eventually, although you will never forget. If you could talk to someone, it will be so good for you now. Either a counselor or a pastor, if you're part of a church, or maybe an adult you feel comfortable with.

And please don't discount this group. Even though most of us have not met in person, we are a close and supportive group. You are welcome to come here any time you feel the need. Don't hesitate, even if you need to post every day for the next year or so to say, "I'm still hurting." We're here for you.

*hugs*
Gail

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I remember you well, If I am right are you about 13 years old, and very well mannered and orchestrated. You were raised very well. I wish my children acted half as good as you do...In answer to your question, first of all in order to be able to recognize the needs of someone who has lost someone very close and not very long ago, one would have to have gone through it. This is where maybe you can talk your new parents into coming in here and reading about some of the journeys that these people go through so that they can really get a feel of what keeps you upset. I am though glad that you have as it seems found people that really care about you and your needs. I hope that is true here. I and Im sure that I speak for most all in here, will always be here for you to talk with and on any plane or about any subject. You are and will always be welcome here. Your first post made you an instant family member here. Sharpy...only time will heal wounds, it won't happen overnight or in a week, it may be that you may never get over it completely, but you will find that given time your thoughts will turn from sorrow to memories and they will all be good ones. You simply have to give it the time it is going to take for the good remembrances to overcome the bad thoughts, and it will hun it will. Try and give your new parents a chance to help you with your struggles about getting through this time in your life. I am sure that they will do for you whatever it takes to get you through this, and we will be here always to lend you support, tears, laughter , or simply to listen to your needs ....PM me (private message) anytime you like if you ever want to talk about issues you have ...just be sure to keep in touch, your family here and we care about our family...give the other time, no one can ever replace your true parents but try and give your new ones the opportunity to do so. It will mean so much happiness to them for you to love them as much as you did your real parents and I am sure in time that your love for them will grow also. Its like a seed, plant it and it will grow, cultivate it and it will blossom, then sit back and enjoy the beauty of it...You sharpy, are that seed......Love and Hope to you young lady, and keep in touch with us......Clift

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3295
Joined: Jan 2010

You have traveled a hard road for one so young.

Your feelings are probably more sharp than most with not only the loss of your mother, but with moving half way around the world.

I don't know where you live, but ask your adoptive parents to check with Hospic or the local hospital, or your church for counseling as an individual or in a group.

Your entire world has turned upside down, so there is no shame in needing some emotional help in dealing with these issues. People many more years older than yourself need that kind of help in dealing with loss.

On your profile you mention how acitve you were in your mother's care. That was very brave of you to take on so much. Now it is someone else's turn to help you. I feel sure your adoptive parents would want to help if you will let them know how you are feeling.

Don't hesitate to come back here when you need to talk. We care about all who are impacted by this disease, not just the one who has it. It doesn't bring us down, we want to help otherwise we would not respond.

Take care my young friend...am hoping you will share your feelings with your adoptive family and find a good counselor to help you through all these feelings.

Marie

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Thank you for all of your replies....Ugh...this is harder than I thought....I don't know what to do...I mean, I just don't feel I can talk anything about this to my "parents"...and about religious groups...well, you guys can hate me for this, but I turned away from religion. Don't take me wrong, I don't deny the Creator or anything...I just feel it's too much to deal with it right now...it's just too much.
@Pattlee: thank for your message….well, I’m the opposite at the moment about keeping my mom’s memory alive as I try to actually not think of her (which of course, doesn’t work too much) and whenever she pops into my mind, I try hard to actually huss the whole thing away….but I do wonder how you managed to find a peaceful place with all of that…uhm, about your question…no I did not recently connect with my bio mom…I lived with her throughout my whole life…she’s the one I lost in the summer (and my dad and brother back in 2005….) Anyway, thank you for your response though.
@Ann: Again, thank you for your reply too. I’ll try to find someone I could talk too, but it’s just hard…hard because I don’t want to accept it personally, and if you talked about it, then it has to become real…plus, I don’t really know too many people here yet…just moved in the fall….
@Icarper2: thank you for your response as well…I guess you know then how crap life is when you have no parents anymore….although, I can call myself lucky as I got new parents pretty quickly within two months…and thank you for encouraging me to post here, I feel bad though because you guys are the ones who are actually have this monster haunting you, and here I am whining when I am perfectly healthy! I really hope I don’t influence you guys negatively about my whining…
@Gail: thank you, thank you, and thank you. Yes, I understand your mom about when she lost her mom….although I don’t need a nightlight, but I cannot stay at home alone at all. If my “parents” go away for some sort of event, they always ask me if I’m okay with being alone, and of course, I lie to them and say yes….and as soon as they leave, I just leave the house and just walk around the city like a strayed dog until it’s time to go home as I know they will be back in 10 minutes….I just cannot be at home alone as then all those thoughts attack me…it’s like they are sitting in the corner of my room, and as soon as I am alone they attack me! So, I rather join all kinds of activities at the school than to be at home….haha I know, I’m a loser….
@Buzzie (Clift): Oh wow…I remember you as well! You were so nice even back then when I asked for advice on mom. Thank you for your loooong response. Yes, you remember me well, although I did turn 14 on the last day of December in 2009. And thank you for the compliment about how good kid I am. I’m not a good kid…I failed….pretty bad. I couldn’t make mom stay alive! The worst failing I’ve ever had, and probably the worst I will ever have in my life! And yes, I think I somehow will make these parents to read this site…but it’s sooo weird…it’s soo taboo…they don’t mention anything at all, they probably just think everything is all right….and I kind of think that’s how it is supposed to be, so that’s why I feel that I should not even mention anything about this to them. As they would probably freak out, and think I’m crazy. About your comment on how time heal things…that I’m not sure of. I hate time! If I could kill two things in this life that would be CANCER and TIME! Both of them! Instantly! However, I decided that I’ll be a biologist when I grow up and I will do research with cancer! I will pay revenge to them! They are not going to get away with this!!!! I swear! And I haven’t figured what to do with time yet….so far it’s the winner…it makes me mad, angry, and finding myself hate everything, and everybody. As more time passes the more mad I become. I thought the same as you think that by time things will rearrange and things will be “normal” again. The first week was horrible, then after that while I was in the children’s home it was all right, seemed as if it was just a temporary thing…then I moved. The first month made me busy getting used to the new environment, culture, totally new people, and then I forced myself to be busy with everything….and no matter how hard I tried, it seems it’s hitting me. And no matter how busy I make myself, it keeps coming back, making me mad, and shaking my head saying NO NO NO NO! And I want to have one day when my mom would pop into my mind as when she was happy healthy. I want to think of my whole family as they were before everything started going downhill.
@Lovekitties (Marie): thank you for your message as well. You guys are ALL awesome! I really hope you guys will become healthy soon! I will think of you each, one by one!
ALL: I really apologize for all these negative thoughts here…I will try to hold myself back on that….and again, thank you for all of you for trying to help me, and for all the good advices! I will think them through at least 100 times for sure!
Take care all!!!
Sophie

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3295
Joined: Jan 2010

You didn't fail your mother. The greatest doctor's in the world are not sure how to make any of us Cancer free. You gave her the best last days possible.

Now, young lady, you really should not be lieing to your adoptive parents, particularly about your feelings. You most definately should not be out walking the streets alone. There are bigger dangers out there than you can imagine. They would be terribly worried if they got home and you weren't there, and would blame themselves if anything should happen to you while they are out.

I know you are reluctant to broach this subject with them because you think they want to believe everything is ok. We all want to think everything is ok, but the reality is life is a challenge for each of us, just in different ways. If you really feel uncomfortable talking to them, how about the school counselor?

I am a mother of 2 and grandmother of 8, so forgive me if I seem pushy on this subject. I just know that there are lots of folks out there who would very much like to help you thru this terrible time in your life. You just have to reach out.

You are too young to carry the false burden that you should have been able to save your mother. You did as much as you were able. Not being able to do more is not a failure.

Take care and stay in touch, and please reach out to either a person or group locally who you can interact with and who can help you find peace with the issues troubling you.

Marie

earthperson2010
Posts: 15
Joined: Jan 2010

Sweetheart,

You have not failed your mother, she had illness that was stronger than all doctors. Doctors don't work miracles.

You should definitely talk to your adoptive parents about how you feel, you should not lie to them. If you lie to them, they will not be able to help you.

Also, please stop wondering streets alone. It is not safe for you.

And finally, you need to let yourself feel your grief, your pain. If you need to cry, cry, if you need to scream, scream, you need to feel and take it out. By doing this you will feel better. With the time, you will feel better. In addition to loss of your parents and your brother, you now have to adjust to new country, new culture, and new family. All this is not easy. So, you are entitled to feel what you feel, do not try to hide it or escape from your feelings.

Hugs to you.

earthperson2010
Posts: 15
Joined: Jan 2010

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tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

You are definitely not a loser, dear. Please come here often and let us know how you're doing.

*hugs*
Gail

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Sophie,

So many people have already given you great advice, so I can't add much to what they already said, except to double emphasize to you that you did not fail your mother! There's no way you can be responsible for keeping her alive! As others said, often even the very best doctors haven't been able to save people's lives from cancer.
You have had such a very hard lot in life so far. In order to be able to move on, you've got to get past feeling personally responsible for not having been able to save your mom's life.
My sympathies to you, my dear. The pain will always be there, although time will ease that pain some. Also remember, however, that no one can ever take away the good memories you have of your mom from when she was well- those special memories are yours to keep forever!

You are a brave young lady to have written here and to have reached out for help and advice. Give yourself time to grieve- it's just been a few months. Moving to a new country is a huge adjustment in of itself, let alone add to that you've lost your mom and have been adopted by new parents. Try opening up to your new parents. Of course I don't know what they're like, but I imagine they might be open if you let them know you're having a hard time and would like to try going to a counselor. It might be helpful just to go even a couple of times.

You take care, Sophie. As you can see, we care about you!

Lisa

jillpls's picture
jillpls
Posts: 241
Joined: Mar 2008

Hi, my heart goes out to you because I have 4 kids and know that at one point, my kids will feel the same way even though they are a little older. 20-28 in ages. I can only tell you that from a mother she would want you to go on with your life and be happy. So how to do that when you are mad and feel like life isn't fair? Well, there is a lot of love and comfort found in knowing God. Try to find a good church. That has really helped my family to cope. Also, try to find a support group in the area, such as at a hospital. There are some for kids. You school may even offer one. Our high school has a cancer club were the kids use there energy, anger and frustrations to do fund raising such as relay for life or stand up to cancer. There are ways to channel your emotions. Reach out to people who love you. God bless you today and tomorrows
JIll

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Please do me a favor and ask your adoptive parents to come in here and speak with me. I know what you feel like, I know why you say the things you say, and i understand, I really do. Will you let them talk with us in here to try and get somethings accomplished for your benefit ? and if you really don't like that idea thats fine also, I want to keep you trusting us here, and please keep posting..We get through this, honestly we will...Love to you, Buzzie.....

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

I'm so glad you're posting again, Sophie! I have often thought about you and hoped you had found a way to move on with your life. Never feel guilty about expressing your grief and pain. Especially to us. We'll always be here for you. I know it's hard for you to see this right now, but you really are an amazingly strong person. You will find a way to deal with this, and have a beautiful life.

Much love,
Krista

Brenda3.16
Posts: 211
Joined: May 2009

Sophie,

All of the feelings you are experiencing are very normal for someone in your situation. Your life has been completely turned upside down in the last few years. You are truly an amazing person. I am proud of you for taking such good care of your mother. Moving is also a huge thing to adjust to at your age.

I am a 7th grade teacher and I have watched some students go through difficult situations like losing a parent or sibling. Everyone deals with grief differently. I know that most kids your age are reluctant to go to an adult for help. At the school where I work we have a special support group for kids who have had the death of a parent or divorce.

Is there any adult at your school that you would feel comfortable talking to ? Guidance counselors, Principal, Vice-principal or a Teacher that you feel comfortable with would be a great person to talk to.

I have a 14 year old daughter. She is very private and does not share her feelings with a lot of people. I can understand your hesitation to want to tell your adoptive parents. I am also a very private person. I found these message boards last April and was only reading them. I have just starting posting in the past few weeks, and it has helped me a lot.

You sound like a very intelligent, sweet, kind and special girl. I put you on my prayer list and I am praying for you every day. I pray that time will help you to heal. I hope that you will find peace as you adjust to your new life. You are very brave and very special !

Everyone on this board is here for you to help you get through this. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk at anytime.

Love,

Brenda

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