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dating and cancer

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

As far as I know I am still NED. I was not dating anyone when I found out about the cancer and I feel ready to get back out there and start trying again. My question is when do you tell someone about the cancer? It feels a bit heavy for 1st date conversation, yet it has been a huge part of my life for the past year. Not to mention the giant scar I now have on my stomach. How do you all handle this? Am I just over thinking this? I feel really self conscious of the scar :(

ittapp's picture
ittapp
Posts: 385
Joined: Jun 2009

I have a friend that went on Match.com and met the women that he will now Marry next weekend. I think that is a way to put out your information and get matched with someone that maybe is in the same situation or that doesn't care as long as you have alot in common. It's worth a try, it is how most people are dating these days. It's the new way of dating I should say. Patti

lcarper2
Posts: 638
Joined: Dec 2009

well I would get to know someone alittle and when you feel it is ready to move to the next level than I would tell them about your cancer and if they are for real they will understand and it won't matter to them at all and if they act like it will make a difference than cut your loss and feel very lucky you found out early . remember the bible says love in unconditional don't settle for anything less....good lick...

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4907
Joined: May 2005

I hear he's a nice guy! I think you need to know what it is you are looking for with dating. I would think you'd like someone to go out and do things with and build a good friendship with. Once you do that I think the rest will come easy and you will know when it's time to bring up the other part of you. I have found that just in talking with people that saying "Oh yeah, BTW, I have/had cancer" can be quite the conversation stopper. Maybe if you're out having a few drinks and guys are showing their tattoos or scars, you can show yours and say "get a load of this baby!"

Take your time, enjoy yourself...
;-)

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

I think Phil gave great advice (is he an advice columnist?), many of the best relationships start as friendships + build from there. I believe strongly in sharing commonalities. Sometimes a comfortable opportunity emerges unexpectedly to discuss your health. I give you credit for wanting to get back into the world of romance + wish you lots of luck (keep us posted!). Your scar is a reminder of what you have been through to becom NED + lots of people have scars for various surgeries they have undergone. I hope you have great success & meet someone wonderful.

John23's picture
John23
Posts: 2140
Joined: Jan 2007

Hmmm...

I dunno.... Do -they- tell ya' when they have herpes or an std?

And what -we- have, isn't contagious.... it's probably an even better
picker-upper, since they may be able to "move on" much sooner,
what with us dropping off like flies....

Seriously, Phil has it right. If you decide he (or she) is getting serious,
then it's "truth time"; Prior to that........ have fun.

No-one can predict longevity. We fall in love, and hope it'll last
a life-time. As we all know too well, a "life-time" is unpredictable.

Love for today, and pray for tomorrow.

Above all..... Live today; Date for today.

Don't worry about the scar. You can explain it as a recent surgery,
and just say it's a long story. If you're that close physically at that time,
a scar isn't going to be too bothersome, if even noticed.

Enjoy life!

NBTXGIRL's picture
NBTXGIRL
Posts: 31
Joined: Aug 2009

Go out and have the time of your life. You deserve to allow yourself to become normal again. When the time is right, ya'll can discuss cancer. As for your scar? I had a complete hysterectomy back in 1999, my scar runs from my belly button all the way down south. The scar will lighten over time so that it is not so noticeable. You can barely see mine. Now go out and have some fun and come back and let us know all about it. Since I am a full time caregiver for my father, I don't get to out that much anymore, so I will live vicariously through you. Kim

dianetavegia's picture
dianetavegia
Posts: 1953
Joined: Mar 2009

My husband won't let me date. ;o)

nudgie's picture
nudgie
Posts: 1483
Joined: Sep 2006

it written that you have to tell. To this day, I still don't mention I am a survivor unless I feel it is necessary to bring it up.

Telling someone about youself is a decision you must decide on your own, but my recommendation is wait until you feel you are serious about someone and they feel the same.

There are lots of fish to be caught, so enjoy fishing for awhile :)

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

a good poop and a hamburger are just as much fun and not near as much trouble........LOL

Naw, seriously, Phil hit it on the head...Enjoy like it never happened,its over, let it stay that way, no need to ever mention it. If someone asks then its not gonna matter by that time but you have never ever got to consider that you are any different than anyone else. You have a scar, I have an ostomy and a sewn up tail....who do you think is the sexiest out of that 2 ? LOL...Live Love and Laugh as it says and now enjoy what something tried to take away from you, your Life.......We all love ya Christine.....Love and Hope for you......Buzz

and if only I could draw back 40 years.........LOL.......kiddin'

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2121
Joined: Oct 2009

Get yourself out there and enjoy life. Live, laugh, dance. You don't owe anyone an explanation unless things start to progress from casual. Now, if he talks about someone close having cancer, you can just look and say, been there, done that. As far as the scar goes, heck, if it gets to that point, it is not the scar he will be looking at. Take care - Tina

christinecarl's picture
christinecarl
Posts: 545
Joined: Sep 2009

thanks everyone for reminding me how silly it is to worry about the scar and telling anyone. I think getting cancer somehow made me feel defective to some degree, but I know I should not worry about that.

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