my ramble on "chronic disease"

Hi everyone, I was dx June of 07 and am coming up this June on being a three year survivor of OvCA 3C. I did have a glorious 8 month NED but now am in the stage they have coined, "treating as a chronic disease". I'm on third line chemo, doxil coming up on 5th cycle. CA125 is holding now for three months at 132.

Now if you have heart trouble or arthritis that means taking some kind of meds to keep things at bay or to treat the pain. For cancer, that means pumping your body full of toxins and dealing with a lot of side effects, never really knowing if that chemo is going to work or not, and when it does work, not knowing how long it will work before having to move onto the next chemo. It can also mean taking a lot of other meds for pain, constipation, nausea etc.

There are many of you ladies who have been this "chronic disease" place for awhile and seem to have accepted it as the way life will be. I so admire you strength, stamina and attitude!! !I am in this stage, cancer doesn't seem to be going away, and whether I like it or not, will be on chemo "for the rest of my life" for however long that is. Now I want to not be one of those glass-is-half-empty kind of gals but in all honesty, am struggling to be the glass-is-half-full, I am so blessed to even be alive!, full of hope cancer survivor. I have been processing (AGAIN!!) to try and figure out how I can be full of stamina, energy and have this seemingly positive outlook that many of you have!!!

I haven't come up with any revelational ideas other than I need some more terminology for being able to embrace this new (well not so new) stage I am in. I'm sorry, but I just don't like "treating as a chronic disease"!! And although words are only that, just words!!, for me it gives me definition which helps me to set goals, and be motivated or passionate. Not to mention, that I have always hated labels or anything that sounds like I am being put into a box.

What triggered all my processing was my recent trip to the US in early December to see one of the "go to" docs in Seattle. His name is Dr. Drecsher and his resume etc etc is one of the best, not to mention that he is voted in the top 10 every year for the Seattle area. He confirmed that my current protocol and dosage. Then, he gave me his line, "now you we have to treat this as a chronic disease blah blah you have had too much surgery blah blah". Now if it had ended there, I would have just wanted to walk out and start planning my funeral. But, he did go on to give me hope. Now here is where the difference is, I think. Probably every doc in the world would look at my file and realize I am now "palliative" but whether or not they choose to give me hope or not divides them into two groups with a huge gap in between!!! This lovely man told me about a patient he had that went into remission 10 years ago after 5th line chemo and a couple of other similar stories!! These patients are obviously unusual, but he took the time to share these stories, to give me hope. I felt like he was saying, "We can do all we can do, but ultimately, God decides who lives or dies!" He may not even believe in God, who knows, but he was certainly was acknowledging there were forces at work beyond his control.

So, back to my terminology, I guess I want to still be a "cancer survivor" and I want to always have hope I can go into remission and dance with NED. As silly, unrealistic and almost head-in-the-sand as I'm sure it sounds given my situation, I just don't want to think of myself as "treating a chronic disease". This ramble is helping get into the glass-is-half-full category I think, so for those of you that have been kind enough to read this thank you for letting me process!!!

kathleen