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Seperation/Overdose/NED

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

My dear semi colon family,

What can I say last time I wrote it was about my husband having a breakdown then he said he was thinking of having me back for Christmas. Then on the 16/17th Dec when my dad mentioned seperation I asked him that and he wouldn't answer then he said I was killing him, he couldn't do it anymore, I asked if he wanted a divorce he said yes. Then I foolishly took an overdose, was admited to hospital he came to see me. Even though the crisis team told me to take a break from him we have still been talking to each other. Then the other day I had to go home to the doctor's, I left him a letter that I was not giving up and I agreed to a seperation and agreed to get help at my dads for my depression, we have put to much into this marriage. I told him I know he wants me better, and I will be, but I'm not giving up on us. I told him to think about it, and not just immediately say no. Then while in hospital waiting for my results I texted him I loved and missed him again not to reply back, and that I meant everything in the note. And again not to reply back, but he did and he said he wants me better. Maybe giving each space is a good idea, but he is my best friend, and I'm lost without him. But at least it will give him a chance to miss me if I do otherwise we have been talking and texting everyday.

Went for my scan results, I'm NED for now, I just burst out crying. After telling Greg and my Nurse I'm telling my second family then I will tell my friends. You have all been so patient, kind and loving to me. My bro craig, sis Donna, Lisa, Phil, Rob, Beth, Adrian, every single one of you mean so much to me, you have got me through these six months without you guys I would be lost. I'm not running off your stuck with me for as long as I have broadband lol, awww hugs and kisses to each and everyone of you
Sonia

SandyL
Posts: 220
Joined: Feb 2009

to hear that you are NED. Sorry for the confusing partner issues, tho. Hope they can all be worked out but mostly and sincerely happy for your NEDness. Is that even a word? Today it is and today we are all happy for that.
Sandy

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

But cancer, sadly, takes more than just health. It puts a strain on close relationships, as well. Most people don't handle their own health issues well, let alone having to stand by and watch helplessly as a loved one is struggling.

I think that you are right, giving him space at this time is an excellent idea. Share your news of NED thru a text, let him know he is loved, and tell him when HE is ready, you would love to go out on a date! NO, absolutely NO cancer talk!!!!!!

You need to deal with YOUR issues now, too. NOTHING is worth taking your own life, NOTHING!!!!! Don't give that to the 'beast' cancer, you are much more precious than that!!!!

I'm sorry for your troubles, sometimes 'the tincture of time' helps quite a bit!

Hugs, Kathi

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

i have read some of your posts and i too and happy that you are NED.you know it takes a strong person to be a caregiver.just my story here dont want to up set you.i dont know what treatments you had but on my end i had the oxy and 5fu for 10 tx and before surgery i had radiation and chemo pills(xeloda).even though i was declared ned on my last chemo tx on july16,2009 i still have been having it rough,the neuropathy is still killing me and 2 weeks ago i called my radiologist just to ask a question.i was told by an examination i have scar tissue in my vagina and bladder from the radiation.my husband and i have not been intiment for over a year because of this.he is a keeper and still loves me thru all of this.just remember in sickness and in health.i wish you the best of everything and happy holidays.as i said this is just my story.hang in there....Godbless....johnnybegood

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Please take care of your self i am sorry that you are going threw this with your husband but good news is your ned the other problems will work out with the love you both have for each other .

michelle

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Sonia

Glad you got a good health report back - that's big news!

And I hope things get better with your husband as time goes on - perhaps absence will make the heart grow fonder. If not, then perhaps you need to look at other alternatives.

Attempts at suicide are such a drastic measure and the thing is TOMORROW just might be a better day - even when things have been really bad in my life, I just take the pain, 'cause I don't want to miss tomorrow and what it might bring.

You guys are both so young still and this is hard for anyone of any age. Perhaps he is just unable to cope with the situation - some people just don't do well under that kind of stress and you need to be able to count him to a certain degree - if by some chance there were a recurrence at any point in your journey, you would not want him repeating the behavior you have both gone through.

Remember, you can't help others - until you can help yourself - YOU have to be the focus right now to get a handle on your feelings and their underlying causes.

With your NED status now, I hope things will calm down and you'll see it all more clearly as the days pass - with or without him, Sonia must go on.

-Craig

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Sonia! First of all, let me say congratulations on the NED! That's WONDERFUL news!!!
You have had such a hard time in all this. As Kathi said, cancer doesn't just work on your health- it enters every aspect of your life including your relationships. I would echo the advice given regarding your husband. Let him know that you are NED and let him know that you are working on yourself as well. I'm sure he wants you to be well emotionally before venturing back into the relationship. Remind him (maybe in a text) that your marriage vows were for better or for worse. You've definitely been through the "for worse" part. Now it's time to focus on "the better"! Let him know that you're seriously working on your depression and want your marriage to work. Maybe just going on some dates first will work (and no talking about the cancer except to let hubby know your NED test results).
Keep us informed. Prayer works too! Whenever I've been the most frustrated with my husband and I got over my stewing, I'd pray "Lord let me feel love for my husband and help him to desire me as well". Once I stopped stewing and grumbling about everything he did, how HE's the one who needs to change, etc., if I truly focused on praying for things to be better, it did seem to change things and work. I still have to "redo" that prayer every now and then & life isn't always a bed of roses, but prayer does help.
I will be praying for you too!

Hugs,
Lisa

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4885
Joined: May 2005

Great to hear about NED but the other part saddens me. As bad as things are and then looking at how far you've come, taking an overdose is so NOT the answer. The MOST important person is YOU and YOU need to lookout for yourself. I hope you and your husband can work things out but if you are taking care of yourself, then the rest can fall into place if it's meant to be. Some people can't handle a lot of stress. That's neither her nor there but it just is how it is. I TRULY hope you can work things out with your husband put I'd rather see you work things our for YOU!
Love you!
-phil

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

Awww, I hate hearing you took an overdose, and for what???? a man?? Your life is more precious then that, and you don't want to make him stay with you because he's afraid of you killing yourself, you want him because he wants you, not that way though. You really need to think of just YOU first, and can be able to get by without him for awhile, I hope you aren't making him feel "trapped" because he knows what you'll try and do to make him stay, that isn't healthy hun, and not a reason to make him stay..he needs to love you like you should be loved! we all love you, and you won't be alone without him. I wouldn't want a man who really didn't want me anymore, and I Know for sure, I wouldn't die over him either. You are more important then that hun!

Please get the help you both need, your hubby isn't handling this very well, and unless he wants to get help, it won't work.. his heart has to be there, and I Hope his heart can open up more to someone else, maybe a third party, and get everything out in the open and what can be done more to save things. It would be great if you both get maybe a marriage counselor, and work on the issues that are bothering him the most.

I love you sissy, you know we're here as much as your hubby, probably even MORE! :)

Great news on being NED!! I hope you have many more years of NED, keep focusing on you and your health, NOT him, you're more important!

Hugsss and Loveeeee!
~Donna

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6184
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm happy for you that you are NED. That part of your life has to bring you some emotional comfort knowing that all you have been through has paid off in such good results of being the NED that you are.

I am so sad for you that your marriage and emotional state are so fragile right now. You need to think about yourself and keeping yourself emotionally stable and physically better. You are still going through getting your body to return to normal which could take some time. Allow yourself to get better and I am hoping that your marriage can heal, but if it does, it has to be something you both work on.

I hope that you can find some inner peace.

Kim

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

NED is such a good news.I am sorry to hear what you have been through.You have been fighting so hard against cancer in order to win your health and life back,so at this point,you should have never done anything to hurt yourself.I agree with Craig's post.Take care.Hope everything will work out.

just4Brooks's picture
just4Brooks
Posts: 988
Joined: Jun 2009

Sonia, I'm so happy you're NED. It's a long hard fight for everybody (Even our caregivers). You have fought too long to give up now. As Craig said. "You never know what tomorrow brings" That's the way all of us have to think. I had a rough weekend (maybe my hardest) But today was wonderful and I cant wait to see what tomorrow brings. Every day is a gift for all of us and we should take it as that. Today I get to hug my kids, smell my Christmas tree, Have luch with my wife and know that I have all of you as my friends. Life dont get much better then that. Phill missing his bus today was kinda funny too. Life is a wonderful thing, dont let anybody get in the way of you enjoying it!!

Life is funny sometimes
Brooks

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I pray that it continues forever. I pray that your relationship problems get better as well. Please remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please dont ever give up... Know we love you and care about you, and we want you around for a very long time..

*HUG*
Beth

robinvan's picture
robinvan
Posts: 1014
Joined: May 2007

Hey Sonia,
What an incredible cauldron of issues and emotions you are dealing with! It is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

Hopefully with the NED scan you are now coming towards the end of the cancer treatment and on your way to a full recovery. A hopeful outlook on the health scene may help to shift the outlook in other areas.

Christmas adds its own stress too! Particularly when we are dealing with tough personal issues.

I hope you are over the hump now and looking at better days ahead. Take care and remember that you are not alone.

Peace and Blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

khl8
Posts: 810
Joined: Nov 2009

Sonia,
i am so sorry you have to go through this right now. Cancer sucks! If it doesnt kill you, it can ruin so many parts of your life. be strong, and don't ever do something like that again! especially over a man...... some are meant to be there and take their vows serioulsy and some don't. Right now I am fortunate that mine is still here, but cancer has changed our relationship and we cannot go back.
Just hold on, regain your strenght and deal with it one day at a time,and relish in the fact that you are NED!!!!!
Kathy

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Sonia,

I'm so happy for that NED status! That is just wonderful. I'll continue to pray for the situation with your husband. I know you're hurting so much.

*hugs*
Gail

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