victim of this monster?
Comments
-
Not very good advice.
Re:
"my husband has had a nervous breakdown he actually cried in my
arms today doctor has told him because lm the main cause we
should be apart for a while so he can get stronger.so for two
weeks maybe more "
That is the oddest advice I have ever heard. He's worried about losing
you, and you're worried about losing him, and a "doctor" is advising
to lose each other right away, "to make things better"?
So for tired eyes, does he have you stick pins in your pupils?
A good counseling session with an experienced counselor would
be best. And there are cancer support groups that get together
at nearly every hospital, that would also be of great help.
A separation at this time in your lives, is ludicrous; what is needed,
is the positive attitude and support that each of you can provide the other.
Get to counseling ASAP - - TOGETHER - - !0 -
I agree with John you needJohn23 said:Not very good advice.
Re:
"my husband has had a nervous breakdown he actually cried in my
arms today doctor has told him because lm the main cause we
should be apart for a while so he can get stronger.so for two
weeks maybe more "
That is the oddest advice I have ever heard. He's worried about losing
you, and you're worried about losing him, and a "doctor" is advising
to lose each other right away, "to make things better"?
So for tired eyes, does he have you stick pins in your pupils?
A good counseling session with an experienced counselor would
be best. And there are cancer support groups that get together
at nearly every hospital, that would also be of great help.
A separation at this time in your lives, is ludicrous; what is needed,
is the positive attitude and support that each of you can provide the other.
Get to counseling ASAP - - TOGETHER - - !
I agree with John you need each other and counseling will help you both deal with this beast don't let it destroy what the two of you have together. Please take care of yourself and I will pray for you both. Deb0 -
Odd and cruel advice
I agree with comments made. It may be your hubbie needs rest without obligations eg time off at work or something but a separation sends a weird message to the both of you. Fire this counselor and get one who's familiar with cancer stresses.
Love to you Sonia
Leslie0 -
Sorry
Wow, I am surprised that your counselor wants or thinks you two should be separated. Sure this is hard on both of you and I can understand the hubby breaking down, but right now you both need to draw from one another's strengths. Not being together is going to be harder on you both. Please get a second opinion. Good luck.
Kim0 -
Oh Sonia,
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree with others that it seems like odd advice! It is very hurtful to you to be "blamed" as the one who is at some fault in this. In married life we share responsibility for our relationship. When it comes to such things as cancer, and other random tragedies, we are in it together.
I hope you can get some compassionate advice and counselling soon.
Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver0 -
Listen to eveyone hereJohn23 said:Not very good advice.
Re:
"my husband has had a nervous breakdown he actually cried in my
arms today doctor has told him because lm the main cause we
should be apart for a while so he can get stronger.so for two
weeks maybe more "
That is the oddest advice I have ever heard. He's worried about losing
you, and you're worried about losing him, and a "doctor" is advising
to lose each other right away, "to make things better"?
So for tired eyes, does he have you stick pins in your pupils?
A good counseling session with an experienced counselor would
be best. And there are cancer support groups that get together
at nearly every hospital, that would also be of great help.
A separation at this time in your lives, is ludicrous; what is needed,
is the positive attitude and support that each of you can provide the other.
Get to counseling ASAP - - TOGETHER - - !
Please listen to everyone here! John23 is so right a GOOD counselor will be more help for you two. Please Please listen to him!!
Jan0 -
A weekend awayrobinvan said:Oh Sonia,
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree with others that it seems like odd advice! It is very hurtful to you to be "blamed" as the one who is at some fault in this. In married life we share responsibility for our relationship. When it comes to such things as cancer, and other random tragedies, we are in it together.
I hope you can get some compassionate advice and counselling soon.
Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver
My wife and I are going for a weekend away after my last chemo treatment (Dec 29th). We will not be aloud to even say the word "Cancer". We need a brake from the Best as does everybody. It takes so much from us and our loved ones. Maybe you guys need a weekend away?
Life is funny sometimes
Brooks0 -
I Agree!just4Brooks said:A weekend away
My wife and I are going for a weekend away after my last chemo treatment (Dec 29th). We will not be aloud to even say the word "Cancer". We need a brake from the Best as does everybody. It takes so much from us and our loved ones. Maybe you guys need a weekend away?
Life is funny sometimes
Brooks
Yo sis!!!
No need in not being together, I think some quality time spent together without it being so chemo, or cancer related is definitely needed here. Everyone needs a break from it, I MAKE my hubby get out and go fishing, I still am able to cook, clean, and cart the kids, I do most things without asking him to do it, I want him to be able to still have his life as well, and not think he has to do everything for me, or anything. I am sure the times will come, being tired and all when you need alittle help, but make sure the caretaker is taken care of as well, and if you can, just do things for him as well, and no yelling, no fighting, no blaming, just be you, and not let this cancer take you both over. The counselor is definitely not right to make you separate, I do believe in getting out and doing your own thing, like he should, at least a few times a week, but I don't believe in living apart to get things better.
Hope all will be taken care of soon, and get better soon, things will pass!
Hugsss sister!
~Donna0 -
The Costs of the Battle...
Hi Sonia
THE BATTLE can cause many casualties - friends, family and co-workers can all walk away and leave you hanging by yourself - it should not be that way, but can be true.
The same can be true for spouses - some people can deal with it better than others and both spouses, the cancer patient and the caregiver have much to deal with during the time of cancer treatment and such - it can be a little too much.
Your VOWS said, "In Sickness and in Health." Not just words but a committment by each - we never know which cards we are going to draw when we select our significant other in our lives. We just have to be prepeared to deal with what life can throw at us over the years as we get older together.
I am shocked that your therapist would say the cause was YOU that did this to your relationship. All that really happened is you woke up one morning and you had Cancer - both of your lives were instantly turned upside down and the fight to live was on - your new marriage was already being tested.
Has it been easy for you? Of course not. It's tough on any couple - even when they've been together awhile, it's still hard. We are programmed as Humans to "hurry up" and get this over with so we can get back to our lives. Cancer can make this harder to achieve, but it's the Cancer that teaches us to live one day at a time and cherish the good moments that Life can bring - and to be able to stomach the bad ones, so we can appreciate the good ones, when we see them again.
I don't think separation would be a good idea either - if he needs to go and do a hobby or if you want to go do something for an afternoon or a evening, that's a good idea - but "distance separates us." So, I think stick together.
You've come through the treatments, things are about to turn around for you now.
I think what happened is your husband finally had so much EMOTION boiling up in him over this time, that it finally all came out and he cried in your arms in one big episode. So, it was good he got it out of his system - sometimes we all have to "VENT." I think that was his way of venting - these things will bring you closer together.
I can tell you that after almost SIX YEARS, my wife has had enough of Cancer. It has certainly taken an emotional toll on her - I watch it recently and she is just not the same person as she was before this started. It has worn her down, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to build her back up and give her some joy and happiness, she deserves it.
So, I understande what you're saying. Check into seeing another therapist - this one has obviously not been around the block a time or two yet. We have to live and experience before we try and help others - this person missed the boat by placing the blame on you. No One chooses to have cancer - we get it and then we fight like mad to get rid of it and try and regroup and move on.
And that's my free psychiatry lesson for you today, Sis! Now, you guys get out there and get some living done together
-Dr. Craig0 -
Good Advice, dear Sonia...
Hello Sonia,
I'm so sorry you're having a rough go of it. I'll be sending you warm prayers and many blessings for comfort and healing.
I do agree with what everyone has said - in sickness and health. This is a time when you two can learn to stand together in adversity and become stronger as individuals and as a couple. Being apart from one another seems counterproductive to a building a strong relationship.
One other thing I would add is to change your perspective about your relationship with the cancer in your life. If you think of yourself as cancer's victim, you give your power to it. In order to face it in an emotionally healthy way and to maintain your power and your hope, you must not refer to yourself as a victim. If you think of yourself-call yourself a victim, you are a victim. Try changing your thoughts - you are the daughter of a cancer patient and you yourself are a cancer SURVIVOR! Think of yourself - call yourself a SURVIVOR - then be one.
You will have down days - it comes with the diagnosis. Just try not to lose yourself in those days. Instead, look ahead with the promise of a healthy happy today.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson0 -
Ah, the warm and fuzzy doctors
I think it's a good thing that your husband is letting it out WITH you. One can't go through this holding everything in, it's a shortcut to another illness.
I agree that counseling for the both of you would be a great thing. Maybe as individuals at first but have the goal to go together. You're in this together Sonia and please don't be sorry for letting/venting it out.
-U.P
I hope this doctor isn't a counselor...0 -
Sonia,PhillieG said:Ah, the warm and fuzzy doctors
I think it's a good thing that your husband is letting it out WITH you. One can't go through this holding everything in, it's a shortcut to another illness.
I agree that counseling for the both of you would be a great thing. Maybe as individuals at first but have the goal to go together. You're in this together Sonia and please don't be sorry for letting/venting it out.
-U.P
I hope this doctor isn't a counselor...
I am so sorry you are
Sonia,
I am so sorry you are going thru this.
Is this doctor your medical doctor or a psycologist type doctor?
If he is a medical doctor he should NOT be giving marriage advice,
If he is a psycologist maybe you want to get another opinion.
I don't know all the particulars,but it sounds like odd advice to me.
One thing that has helped me,and I actually learned this BEFORE I got sick,
"WHEN YOU CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS, THE THINGS YOU THINK ABOUT CHANGE"
It's easy to say and takes a lot of practice to do,but it has helped me not
to feel like a victim, and to take each day as it comes and be grateful for what
I have,and not to worry too much about what is to come.
Good luck to you I'll keep you in my prayers.
GOD BLESS
Kate0 -
I'm in the same boat.
Hi Sonia,
I can't believe how much I can relate to your post. My husband and I have only been married for 2 years and I was diagnosed 4 months after our wedding. We've had SO much marital tension and have talked about divorce/seperation a few times. He had a breakdown last week, just sobbing uncontrolably. I felt so guilty and helpless. He's been through so much. We have our good days and our bad days, but we're going to try and make it through. I too spend a lot of time with my parents just to give him a break.
If you ever want to talk or just vent, please PM me. You're not alone with this.
Elizabeth0 -
Doctor
To be honest with you,I think your doctor is an idiot.You are not the cause of anything,you didn't ask for the cancer.you and your husband belong together.Maybe a support groupe is what you need,that would help alot.Some of my coworkers are cancer survivers,and we talk about it sometimes,and that helps.My ex-wife is a p.h.d. physcologist,has several masters degrees,and other degrees.That only means that the person is educated ,not more intelligent.I wish you the best,I'll pray for you.0 -
Think another doctorkarguy said:Doctor
To be honest with you,I think your doctor is an idiot.You are not the cause of anything,you didn't ask for the cancer.you and your husband belong together.Maybe a support groupe is what you need,that would help alot.Some of my coworkers are cancer survivers,and we talk about it sometimes,and that helps.My ex-wife is a p.h.d. physcologist,has several masters degrees,and other degrees.That only means that the person is educated ,not more intelligent.I wish you the best,I'll pray for you.
I would think about seeing another doctor. I think this one is way off base. I think everyone is right on that you guys should be together on this. Helping each other not separated. I would think that would make you both feel worse. You will be sad because you think it is your fault you got sick and he will be sad because he loves you and feels helpless. John and I have been through this with my MS and now his cancer. We have had hard times of feeling some what the same way you do. But it is worth hanging in and getting help if you need it rather than letting go. Just my opinion but I can't see that being a part will help either of you. Paula0 -
Think another doctorkarguy said:Doctor
To be honest with you,I think your doctor is an idiot.You are not the cause of anything,you didn't ask for the cancer.you and your husband belong together.Maybe a support groupe is what you need,that would help alot.Some of my coworkers are cancer survivers,and we talk about it sometimes,and that helps.My ex-wife is a p.h.d. physcologist,has several masters degrees,and other degrees.That only means that the person is educated ,not more intelligent.I wish you the best,I'll pray for you.
I would think about seeing another doctor. I think this one is way off base. I think everyone is right on that you guys should be together on this. Helping each other not separated. I would think that would make you both feel worse. You will be sad because you think it is your fault you got sick and he will be sad because he loves you and feels helpless. John and I have been through this with my MS and now his cancer. We have had hard times of feeling some what the same way you do. But it is worth hanging in and getting help if you need it rather than letting go. Just my opinion but I can't see that being a part will help either of you. Paula0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratorPaula G. said:Think another doctor
I would think about seeing another doctor. I think this one is way off base. I think everyone is right on that you guys should be together on this. Helping each other not separated. I would think that would make you both feel worse. You will be sad because you think it is your fault you got sick and he will be sad because he loves you and feels helpless. John and I have been through this with my MS and now his cancer. We have had hard times of feeling some what the same way you do. But it is worth hanging in and getting help if you need it rather than letting go. Just my opinion but I can't see that being a part will help either of you. Paula0 -
Bad advice
Dear, dear, Sonia.
I agree that you have been given some very bad advice. Yes, cancer stinks, and it causes both the patient and the caregiver to go through a lot of emotions. But marriage is about being there for each other and working your way through whatever life throws at you. It's hard to do that if you're not together.
I do hope and pray that you will reconsider following what that doctor says. You and your husband should be together to work through this and talk about everything. Please let us know how it's going, dear.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
May be good....Paula G. said:Think another doctor
I would think about seeing another doctor. I think this one is way off base. I think everyone is right on that you guys should be together on this. Helping each other not separated. I would think that would make you both feel worse. You will be sad because you think it is your fault you got sick and he will be sad because he loves you and feels helpless. John and I have been through this with my MS and now his cancer. We have had hard times of feeling some what the same way you do. But it is worth hanging in and getting help if you need it rather than letting go. Just my opinion but I can't see that being a part will help either of you. Paula
It appears that he is grieving for you already. Is he crying for fear of losing you, fear of losing himself?? Hopefully, and soon he will join you in the fight for your life. From life experience, I know that everyone handles life differently, and no one here knows what kind of marriage you have. We don't know if you get angry and throw things, or if he gets angry and throw things. If you sit and cry all day. It would be very hard to give advice. So, I thought I would ask my husband.
I just asked my husband how hard my cancer had been on him, and he told me that emotionally tough, he wants me to be better, to have a longer life with him and our family. He talked about people being different in handling a crisis. He said that I continue my life as though cancer is not here. And that allows him to relax. His Masters is in psych counseling and he says.....
The two weeks apart may good for the both of you.
Maybe just relaxing these two weeks, making a list of things that you could do better, things that you would like him to do better, or not do. Maybe the both of you can work on this list while apart, then when you are back together sit down and discuss. If you uncover what the real issue is then you can both battle this together.
Good luck and please try and smile and get that hubby back in your home!! A counselor for you is a great way to start.0 -
Help neededNana b said:May be good....
It appears that he is grieving for you already. Is he crying for fear of losing you, fear of losing himself?? Hopefully, and soon he will join you in the fight for your life. From life experience, I know that everyone handles life differently, and no one here knows what kind of marriage you have. We don't know if you get angry and throw things, or if he gets angry and throw things. If you sit and cry all day. It would be very hard to give advice. So, I thought I would ask my husband.
I just asked my husband how hard my cancer had been on him, and he told me that emotionally tough, he wants me to be better, to have a longer life with him and our family. He talked about people being different in handling a crisis. He said that I continue my life as though cancer is not here. And that allows him to relax. His Masters is in psych counseling and he says.....
The two weeks apart may good for the both of you.
Maybe just relaxing these two weeks, making a list of things that you could do better, things that you would like him to do better, or not do. Maybe the both of you can work on this list while apart, then when you are back together sit down and discuss. If you uncover what the real issue is then you can both battle this together.
Good luck and please try and smile and get that hubby back in your home!! A counselor for you is a great way to start.
Nana -
Although your S.O. may be on track with the "splitsville",
especially not knowing all the circumstances of a relationship,
but two weeks are extreme.
Most couples do well with some decent counseling, and fare
even better hearing how others (in a group setting) have adjusted
to things. But separation at a time when one's time may be so
limited, is not in the best interests of the couple.
Most humans have a tendency to let their mind run rampant
during conflict and alone, and use their imagination to provide
the other side of the "argument". That usually leads to a worse-case
scenario, since the answers are not from the other party, but from
the individual asking the questions.
Silence from the partner involved, will not solve a marital problem,
it will only make the problem go deeper at best, or get worse.
We solve things by talking and listening, and a good councilor
provides that setting.
Separation does not "cure" anything, it just quiets down a riot
that will continue a later day unless resolved.
Good health!0
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