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Is it ever over?

Gaz's picture
Gaz
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2008

I have tried so hard to stay positive. The vast majority of the time, I am. In fact, almost 100% of the people believe I am the most positive person that they have ever met. The statistics say, however, that I have less than a 30% chance of living 2 more years. I'm 53 and I put up a face to everyone that all is ok. I would say this is generally true, but there are times when I feel like it has come back. I have had many people tell me to expect so; that the cancer will return (I had stage 4 with it in my lungs, liver, stomach, spleen and lymph nodes). I apologize for venting. Life has been great and maybe this is just a bad momemt that I needed to get off of my chest. Sometimes I feel so alone even in a crowded room. Do any of you feel the same?

pinsandneedles
Posts: 8
Joined: Nov 2009

It's natural to feel the way you do. My husband was given a 10% chance to live and he's still here...10 years later. I know it's not me, personally, dealing with this but I will admit, we've had some scares since but we've gotten through them. Just remember not to ignore what your body's telling you and to take extra special care of yourself. Try to smile. We're here to listen!! :)

Maryreba
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi! I went through NHL with chop and ritaxin in 2002. And then did CVP + Rixtian in 2008-2009 and than followed in 2009 with a month of ritaxin for a month than go every 6 months. Hard but if it will keep me clean - than I will go for it. I am now suffering with stress, depression. It has been a road trip to hell. I have taken a leave off work since I can't handle anything at the moment. My children call me a nut case since they don't understand why I cry. I am so tired.....My children are 26,24 and 22. my older 2 are boys are the oldest and the rudest. They should try understand what is going on. TO think they smoke to and if your mom has NHL than why would they smoke. I think everyone needs a good support system. I wish you luck and if you have family close by than it will help. Maryreba

indydorsey13
Posts: 38
Joined: Sep 2009

Good description: Road trip to HELL !!!! I could not have said it better myself !!! Have you seen the girl who has the book, " Crazy, Sexy, Cancer?" I have not seen the Sexy part yet...
LOL I have a sense of humor,but have not found much humor in CANCER... My husband & I are both traveling that same Road that you are on !!!! Hang in there....The tide will come back in....Always does.....Dorsey

Gaz's picture
Gaz
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2008

I just finished nominating my wife for Caregiver of the Year award and she so deserves it. She is an RN and along with my daugher (also an RN), I am still here. I'm sorry that you don't enjoy the same support. You are correct that a support group is so important. I hope that this web site forum assists you. God Bless.

Maryreba
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2009

I forgot to say the first time around it was so bad the doctor didn't tell me until I got real sick for parvo and almost died. So all of us cancer surviors need to stay strong and tough. I sure can preach it I just need to do it. I am 49 at the time and trying to lose the weight that the steriods put on you. That was fun. Take care and you will be fine. Stay postitive even though the pet scans suck.......

Maryreba
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2009

I forgot to say the first time around it was so bad the doctor didn't tell me until I got real sick for parvo and almost died. So all of us cancer surviors need to stay strong and tough. I sure can preach it I just need to do it. I am 49 at the time and trying to lose the weight that the steriods put on you. That was fun. Take care and you will be fine. Stay postitive even though the pet scans suck.......

Maryreba
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2009

I forgot to say the first time around it was so bad the doctor didn't tell me until I got real sick for parvo and almost died. So all of us cancer surviors need to stay strong and tough. I sure can preach it I just need to do it. I am 49 at the time and trying to lose the weight that the steriods put on you. That was fun. Take care and you will be fine. Stay postitive even though the pet scans suck.......

donald51's picture
donald51
Posts: 62
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey Gaz,
It is ok to vent your frustrations to relieve unnecessary stress. It helps! I completely understand. Just hold fast to that positive attitude and determination that has kept you going all along. Even when you are by yourself in a room, you are not alone.
Stay strong and positive†
Don

indydorsey13
Posts: 38
Joined: Sep 2009

I think EVERYONE with cancer feels alone with this EVIL SNEAKY disease ! We just have to take one hour / day at a time...do what we can to truly find peace after cancer.... You will see in another of my postings that my husband & I were diagnosed with cancer SIX (6) days apart in SEPT....We thought life was GREAT, we were healthy, and he had just retired 5 mo. ago..have a nice 32' motor home...very active,good life !!!! Wham !! Out of nowhere cancer for both of us !!!! To much cancer everywhere these days !!!! I would like to hear more about how you are doing... I know exactly how you feel when you say you put on a happy face, have a positive attitude even when you feel afraid & lonely...( Those were my words / not your's ) That has also been my experience...My husband has stage III-B inoperable lung cancer...I have Malt lymphoma...Sometimes I feel like we are both on a desert...alone and afraid....Faith, Hope, prayers, Dr. appts., friends = it's still about cancer !!!! EVIL
disease !!!!! Try to stay positive in spite of this crazy disease...You can so it... I tell the disease to Kiss my A.. sometimes when all else fails !!!! It certainly shakes the foundation of your life as you knew it BEFORE...
I try very hard to stay positive, but cancer has made that MORE of a challenge than I have EVER experienced in my LIFE, and I have been through many very difficult times...Hang in there. We will all be ok !!!

Gaz's picture
Gaz
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2008

Thanks to all of you for responding. It was comforting to hear your feedback. I suppose that's why there are support vehicles like these. I am amazed at your resilience indydorsey13; for both you and your husband to be diagnosed with cancer just days apart is shocking. I pray that it works out for you. Thank you also to donald. You are correct - you are never alone. I've always believed that thr 4 F's - faith, friends, family and my wife Fiona (ironically an RN hospice nurse) helped get me this far. My tests have been good so far, but they have told me to keep "bone marrow transplant" in my vocabulary. I shouldn't complain, because I have had a very fruitful life with wonderful friends, family (son and daughter) and a fantastic wife. So thank you to all of you who responded and my hope and prayers go with you.

winthefight's picture
winthefight
Posts: 163
Joined: Dec 2007

Hi Gaz,

I too am fighting NHL. I was diagnosed with Stage 4b Large b-cell with t-cell enrichment. I had an enlarged spleen, and liver with spots on both. I also had nerve damage which caused double vision in one eye. My bone marrow was so impacted with lymphoma, my dr could barely do a bone biopsy.....my body was shutting down and had stopped producing blood.

After 1-2 rounds of chemo, my spleen and liver reduced in size. My eyesight miraculously cleared. It was at that time, my dr confessed, he didn't think I was going to make it. Ha Ha, look what God can do! I am a walking testimony.

I am saying that not to brag on my condition, but to give encouragement to you. If there are times when you can't pray (and yes there are times), ask others to pray for you. It is the prayers that are going to get you through it. Check out healing and praying rooms in your area. I have found one in my state and also in DC. They are all ligit with the Christian believer's teachings and beliefs.

So, be encouraged. Do your R-chop. They may suggest the RICE which is a very strong segments of chemo, but it is oh so worth it.

Stay strong, keep your eye on the prize and you too will win-the-fight.

Be blessed.

DenJ
Posts: 26
Joined: Oct 2009

Gaz, I have been treated with R-Chop for NHL. My last treatment was in Sept. And the folowwing CT scan came back negative....thank you Lord. But there are very real residual effects. Even though I have insurance, it doesn't cover enough for me. I am about to lose my house of 27 yrs. And the constant feeling of that voodoo coming back is ALWAYS on my mind. The stress level if off the charts and that's so new to me. I live alone and have weathered the storm so far as such. But at times I miss what it would be like to have someone near and dear to talk to. But ya know, we have to play the cards we're dealt, and I try to keep my spirits high and live my life as I know I should. You and I are not alone bro.....keep the faith.

Den

Gaz's picture
Gaz
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2008

When I read about you losing your house and then atop it all you are alone, I found myself feeling very guilty about my feelings. I'm very surprised by the amount of response. Thanks to all who have responded as your support has been very helpful. Specifically to you Denj, I am so very sorry that you don't have the support group that I have enjoyed. However, you sound like someone who never gives up. I pray for you and hope that a rainbow appears in your future. God Bless.

Gaz's picture
Gaz
Posts: 22
Joined: Oct 2008

You are such an inspiration to all of us "winthefight". I am not talking about the physical victory that you have scored, but instead the mental "bring it on" attitude. God bless you.

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