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Pushing Away Loved Ones

Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2009

I fell completely head over heels in love with a man, who from the start, told me he had cancer. At the time, it was nothing I was afraid of. I knew at some point things would get hard but I didnt realize how soon and how hard.
He told me that the doctors told him he had 7 years. This was about 2 months ago. Last Friday he called me after trying to push me away and said they told him he had 6 months and that he could no longer be with me. Needless to say I was crushed and still am.
I am at a loss and just need some help understanding. I've tried to talk with him but he said the cruelest thing in that he didnt love me anymore and just a week ago he sent me roses and a beautiful love note. Any insight would be much appreciated. I don't know how to grieve this type of loss, not only losing my love but my best friend in one swift moment. He is not gone in the physical sense and that loss is looming. I just need something, anything to help me understand why he is pushing me away and what purpose this serves.

sue Siwek
Posts: 280
Joined: Jun 2009

have to answer you because no one else has. i believe he is grieving and maybe needs time. can you talk to any family members and maybe they can give you some guidance. he doesn't realize that you are grieving also, maybe in time he will and he will let you back into his life. i am sure he is trying to protect you so that you, in his mind, don't waste your time because he has been told he doesn't have long. well, it is a little late for that. pushing you away will not change how you feel about him or how he feels for you. all i can say is have a little patience and be in contact with his family so you are kept up to date. so sorry.

PBJ Austin
Posts: 347
Joined: Mar 2009

I think Sue's advice is good and I have only one thing to add. Meds sometimes make a person have mood swings and this could be a direct result of that. We've had a few other posters who have dealt with aggressive behavior and threats of divorce and it seemed to be a result of new meds. If you do speak with his family you might ask if he is behaving this way with them as well. It's possible a change of meds will make a difference, if such a change is possible. Good luck and many hugs to you.

sue Siwek
Posts: 280
Joined: Jun 2009

you are so right.

Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you for the advice and encouragement... I am still trying to make sense but it is what it is and I am trying my best!

Posts: 24
Joined: Jul 2009

My husband and I found out about his tumor 1 day after our 19th anniversary. After surgery, and during radiation he announced he no longer loved me and he tried to pick a fight with me day and night. Decodran was the culprit. Once he was off the dec his hatred towards me slowly disappeared. We still aren't where we were but I don't spend my nights crying anymore. I also had read that cancer patients push loved ones away thinking they are saving them from the pain of cancer. Unfortunately the pain of being pushed away is worse than the cancer itself.

Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2017

I had gone into remission and I as cautiously optimistic when I went for my 5 year check up.  When they told me it had returned and spread, it knocked the wind out of me.  So I lied to my wife and told her i was clear.  

I quickly started preparing alone.  I wrote letters to my kids telling them I loved them and was proud of them and that they should pursue lives that make them happy despite others' expectations. 

I set up a trust to make certain they would be set financially.

i told my wife I wanted to slow down with work and buy a vacation house by the water and relax. That never happened.

I became more fatigued (xeloda) and it was harder to function.  This angered her - of course she didn't know. 

So I ended it with her; we had a cruel fight.  I told her I didn't love her and wanted a divorce. She said she did too.  Our marriage works when I'm healthy and able to work both in and outside of the house.  When I need help, she resents me.

I am denying chemo - this is not my first rodeo - and I'm taking the 6 years they estimate for me without going in and out of hospitals.  When I'm weak and sick, I need to be alone.  My wife is not someone who ever took care of me.  My weakness seemed to always anger and frustrate her.  I can't manage that and this at the same time.  I love her but I pushed her away so I can die in peace.

she will quickly move on and i know I will have the opportunity to die in peace.  




Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2017

So sad to hear about your cancer returning. Just letting you know I understand about your relationship with your wife.  My wife did so little for me when we found out about my cancer.  I find myself pushing her further and further out of my life and her pulling away. Hope you find happiness and peace as life moves on.

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