help me
Comments
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Beginning
I agree with everything Sue said. I would add that the beginning of this journey is very difficult. Cancer is a scary word and a scary disease. Begin today to cherish each day you have together. Stay open and keep talking to your husband. It's ok to cry. You are both scared. Your normal has now changed. Do research if you can or ask others to do so. Connect with your local American Cancer Society and consider joining a support group Cancer treatment has changes a lot in the last few years. Many who had little or no hope are now living longer or beating this disease. Stick with us here on this board, too. We are doing this together. Blessings, Fay0 -
Well, first of all (and I'mgrandmafay said:Beginning
I agree with everything Sue said. I would add that the beginning of this journey is very difficult. Cancer is a scary word and a scary disease. Begin today to cherish each day you have together. Stay open and keep talking to your husband. It's ok to cry. You are both scared. Your normal has now changed. Do research if you can or ask others to do so. Connect with your local American Cancer Society and consider joining a support group Cancer treatment has changes a lot in the last few years. Many who had little or no hope are now living longer or beating this disease. Stick with us here on this board, too. We are doing this together. Blessings, Fay
Well, first of all (and I'm not saying its easy) you are going to have pull strengh from somewhere deep inside and be your husbands advocate. Research and learn everything you can about your husbands disease. The more you learn, the better questions you will ask. When you ask the Dr. questions based on acquired knoweledge, you will expect solid answers.
If you do not understand the Drs. response/or even if you do...follow that up by research. When the Dr. talks about different treatments/ research that also. Each time you have a Drs. appt. you will be more and more educated/ and with this you will feel stronger and more capable to help you husband fight this disease.
The first Dr. that saw my husband said he should get his affairs in order/ said there was nothing that could be done. That was 2 years ago.
You didn't mention if you are being seen at a cancer center/teaching hospital. If not find out which one is nearest to you and find a way to go.
I am so sorry for your sadness right now, it is very scary.
People are living longer and longer with treatment even if there is no hope for cure.
Keep us posted and let us know what you are doing next...
Trish0 -
appt.sue Siwek said:get another opinion. go to
get another opinion. go to the best hospital for cancer in your state or near state and see what they say. fight.
We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial. I need some hope.0 -
scaredgrandmafay said:Beginning
I agree with everything Sue said. I would add that the beginning of this journey is very difficult. Cancer is a scary word and a scary disease. Begin today to cherish each day you have together. Stay open and keep talking to your husband. It's ok to cry. You are both scared. Your normal has now changed. Do research if you can or ask others to do so. Connect with your local American Cancer Society and consider joining a support group Cancer treatment has changes a lot in the last few years. Many who had little or no hope are now living longer or beating this disease. Stick with us here on this board, too. We are doing this together. Blessings, Fay
I try to live each day with him to the fullest, but when I look at him I see the times we threw away time angry and I see the time that will be lost. I try to be strong for him and our children, but all I can do is cry. We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial---I need some hope.0 -
duketrish07 said:Well, first of all (and I'm
Well, first of all (and I'm not saying its easy) you are going to have pull strengh from somewhere deep inside and be your husbands advocate. Research and learn everything you can about your husbands disease. The more you learn, the better questions you will ask. When you ask the Dr. questions based on acquired knoweledge, you will expect solid answers.
If you do not understand the Drs. response/or even if you do...follow that up by research. When the Dr. talks about different treatments/ research that also. Each time you have a Drs. appt. you will be more and more educated/ and with this you will feel stronger and more capable to help you husband fight this disease.
The first Dr. that saw my husband said he should get his affairs in order/ said there was nothing that could be done. That was 2 years ago.
You didn't mention if you are being seen at a cancer center/teaching hospital. If not find out which one is nearest to you and find a way to go.
I am so sorry for your sadness right now, it is very scary.
People are living longer and longer with treatment even if there is no hope for cure.
Keep us posted and let us know what you are doing next...
Trish
We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial. Thank you for saying that the doctor told your husband to get his affairs together and now it is two yars later---my husband was told the same. Is your husband doing fine? I do not want to see my husband suffer, I love him so much. Did the treatment make your husband sick? Can he eat, can he take walks with you? I am so scared for him and am ashamed that I am scared for me, I can not live without him.0 -
HopeJL1988 said:scared
I try to live each day with him to the fullest, but when I look at him I see the times we threw away time angry and I see the time that will be lost. I try to be strong for him and our children, but all I can do is cry. We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial---I need some hope.
JL,
there is always hope. never, never, give up on hope. It was the second opinion that let us know that there are treatments.
Steve0 -
So glad to hear that youmr steve said:Hope
JL,
there is always hope. never, never, give up on hope. It was the second opinion that let us know that there are treatments.
Steve
So glad to hear that you are going for a second opinion today!
Try to jot down some quick notes during your visit.
Please let us know what you find out and remember there is always, always hope.
I know..my husband is a walking example of it...
Trish0 -
we are all afraid,JL1988 said:scared
I try to live each day with him to the fullest, but when I look at him I see the times we threw away time angry and I see the time that will be lost. I try to be strong for him and our children, but all I can do is cry. We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial---I need some hope.
we are all afraid, especially at first. your fighting spirit will kick in once you have a plan of action and that will begin when you visit duke.0 -
yes you can, stop beatingJL1988 said:scared
I try to live each day with him to the fullest, but when I look at him I see the times we threw away time angry and I see the time that will be lost. I try to be strong for him and our children, but all I can do is cry. We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial---I need some hope.
yes you can, stop beating yourself up over time past. i have been married for 42 years and if i was sorry for every silly argument that we had....oh my! live each day from this day forward, forget the past. my husband thanks me everyday for the wonderful care that i have given him, and i have! i have advocated for him, when i felt that the drs. needed to do more i spoke up. i was surprised at my ability to get what i wanted and the answers i wanted. you can do this, it is empowering! you will be a stronger women for this, you will learn so much about yourself. if, and i hope not, you are left to raise your family you will through all of this learn that you can, you can. thinking of you.0 -
Dukesue Siwek said:yes you can, stop beating
yes you can, stop beating yourself up over time past. i have been married for 42 years and if i was sorry for every silly argument that we had....oh my! live each day from this day forward, forget the past. my husband thanks me everyday for the wonderful care that i have given him, and i have! i have advocated for him, when i felt that the drs. needed to do more i spoke up. i was surprised at my ability to get what i wanted and the answers i wanted. you can do this, it is empowering! you will be a stronger women for this, you will learn so much about yourself. if, and i hope not, you are left to raise your family you will through all of this learn that you can, you can. thinking of you.
We went to Duke yesterday. The doctor there was very nice and gave us a small ray of hope. He said it could be the bad cancer that they think or it could be one of three other cancers that are treatable. I hope it is the treatable cancer. The docotr showed us the CT scan at the office. My husbands liver is covered with cancer, except for one small piece---I am hanging onto that little piece of liver--it is my little hope. I hope they can shrink the cancer and then operate. If we can get the liver cancer stable then we can fight the other cancers. I am amazed how much this discussion board has helped me. Thank you all very much.0 -
Duketrish07 said:So glad to hear that you
So glad to hear that you are going for a second opinion today!
Try to jot down some quick notes during your visit.
Please let us know what you find out and remember there is always, always hope.
I know..my husband is a walking example of it...
Trish
We went to Duke yesterday. The doctor there was very nice and gave us a small ray of hope. He said it could be the bad cancer that they think or it could be one of three other cancers that are treatable. I hope it is the treatable cancer. The docotr showed us the CT scan at the office. My husbands liver is covered with cancer, except for one small piece---I am hanging onto that little piece of liver--it is my little hope. I hope they can shrink the cancer and then operate. If we can get the liver cancer stable then we can fight the other cancers. I am amazed how much this discussion board has helped me. Thank you all very much.0 -
That is wonderful news!!JL1988 said:Duke
We went to Duke yesterday. The doctor there was very nice and gave us a small ray of hope. He said it could be the bad cancer that they think or it could be one of three other cancers that are treatable. I hope it is the treatable cancer. The docotr showed us the CT scan at the office. My husbands liver is covered with cancer, except for one small piece---I am hanging onto that little piece of liver--it is my little hope. I hope they can shrink the cancer and then operate. If we can get the liver cancer stable then we can fight the other cancers. I am amazed how much this discussion board has helped me. Thank you all very much.
That is wonderful news!! You sound better already.
So now the task at hand is to treat the cancer and shrink it. That is your current thing to focus on...just one task at a time, one day at a time.
Don't overload yourself with what ifs or what might be the next thing.
You can only deal with what is in front of you right now.
Treat the cancer.
Shrink the cancer.
When it comes time for surgery then that will be your focus, that will be your task to deal with.
And whatever is down the road you will face and deal with when it comes.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.
It will not be easy...you will get stronger as you go.
Being a caregiver is not easy for any of us and we will be here for you.
I have been my husbands caregiver for 2 years now and from time to time you will see a posting from me crying for help...we all do now and then.
Take Care,
Trish0 -
glad to hear that they gaveJL1988 said:Duke
We went to Duke yesterday. The doctor there was very nice and gave us a small ray of hope. He said it could be the bad cancer that they think or it could be one of three other cancers that are treatable. I hope it is the treatable cancer. The docotr showed us the CT scan at the office. My husbands liver is covered with cancer, except for one small piece---I am hanging onto that little piece of liver--it is my little hope. I hope they can shrink the cancer and then operate. If we can get the liver cancer stable then we can fight the other cancers. I am amazed how much this discussion board has helped me. Thank you all very much.
glad to hear that they gave you hope this will keep you and your husband going and that is so very important. best wishes0 -
The dust really neverJL1988 said:scared
I try to live each day with him to the fullest, but when I look at him I see the times we threw away time angry and I see the time that will be lost. I try to be strong for him and our children, but all I can do is cry. We go to Duke today for a second opinion and to see if he can be part of a clinical trial---I need some hope.
The dust really never settles with this cancer thing and you will find that each day with your husband is special. My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer IV in May and I have been floored. We are too young and in the midst of looking forward to the rest of our lives and then this happens. I have found though, like you said, that all of the arguments, grudges, etc. have wasted precious time. I now make up for it by basking in the time we have together. I live day to day. Hold on tight; there will be ups and downs. I have felt it my privilege to be with her through this journey and for me there has been nothing more intimate for our marriage. I am receiving through this. As warped as it may sound, I have found good in this as it has given me something special to be received in my marriage; something that most others aren't privileged to experience. Days with her not taken for granted. Hold on tight; just hold on! Be there and ride the waves.0 -
unfortunately for all of usallackey said:The dust really never
The dust really never settles with this cancer thing and you will find that each day with your husband is special. My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer IV in May and I have been floored. We are too young and in the midst of looking forward to the rest of our lives and then this happens. I have found though, like you said, that all of the arguments, grudges, etc. have wasted precious time. I now make up for it by basking in the time we have together. I live day to day. Hold on tight; there will be ups and downs. I have felt it my privilege to be with her through this journey and for me there has been nothing more intimate for our marriage. I am receiving through this. As warped as it may sound, I have found good in this as it has given me something special to be received in my marriage; something that most others aren't privileged to experience. Days with her not taken for granted. Hold on tight; just hold on! Be there and ride the waves.
unfortunately for all of us you are speaking the truth. i have been married for 42 yrs., we have 4 sons. my husband who was very successful, a great golfer, on top of the world! boom! brain cancer! a man who was self assured, did his thing, strong, tough, survived the vietnam war had the world by the tail..and 10 years ago it came to a stop. he was diagnosed as well with parkinson's. he has learned to appreciate all the things that he was too busy to enjoy before. his children(all adults) tell him that he is a better man for this. they never fail to hug, kiss and tell him they love him and he them as well. we are thankful for every imperfect day that we have with him. he has been fortunate to meet 5 grandchildren. life is short and we just keep learning don't we?0 -
Hang in thereallackey said:The dust really never
The dust really never settles with this cancer thing and you will find that each day with your husband is special. My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer IV in May and I have been floored. We are too young and in the midst of looking forward to the rest of our lives and then this happens. I have found though, like you said, that all of the arguments, grudges, etc. have wasted precious time. I now make up for it by basking in the time we have together. I live day to day. Hold on tight; there will be ups and downs. I have felt it my privilege to be with her through this journey and for me there has been nothing more intimate for our marriage. I am receiving through this. As warped as it may sound, I have found good in this as it has given me something special to be received in my marriage; something that most others aren't privileged to experience. Days with her not taken for granted. Hold on tight; just hold on! Be there and ride the waves.
I agree with allackey - there are ways to find goodness in this, and doing that helps get me through. My partner of 19 years was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer 2 years ago. His approach has been that you can't change the diagnosis, but you can change the way you experience it. We find all sorts of things to celebrate no matter how mundane they might seem to anyone else - whether it's a whole week without going to the doctors' or a clear scan or whatever. We're realistic about the situation but we try to stay focused on what's going right in our lives rather than the opposite.
I recently read a really good book about a couple dealing with serious illness together as a team called The Power of Two: Surviving Serious Illness with an Attitude and an Advocate, by Gerri and Brian Monaghan. In a nutshell, he was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma, 2 brain tumors and lymph involvement. Terrible prognosis. They tackled it together, each with their own "job" and 10 years later, he's written this book about it. It also has several very useful tips for caregivers. I found it really helpful, and parts of it are even funny - which you wouldn't expect from such a book. It's about $15 on Amazon.
Wishing you strength and tenacity,
Adrian0
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