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Fit to be tied!

laurie83833's picture
laurie83833
Posts: 63
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi Everyone -

Well we got through the first Onocological appointment. Staged Denny at iiB and offered him a round of Chemo - FOLFIRI or he has the options of CAPECITABINE - ORAL (Xeloda).

Onc said there is no evidence that Chemo helps at all for Stage ii and at most IF it did possibly could be between 5-10% chance on raising the stats which without Chemo is 75% 5 year survival. He said totally up to you if you want to do it or now, wish I could tell you it would help anything and increase your chances but I cannot.

Denny does not want to do any of the Chemo, his Mother who had breast cancer about 4 years ago she had Stage III told him she had 2 treatments of Chemo and it just about killed her so they stopped treaments all together for her. So that scared him and he won't even try anything. She is stil NED today without really having any Chemo to speak of.

So trying the Naturalpathic route, I've been reading on the internet, bought a juicer - juicing more, more vitamins, healthier meals etc.

But at this point sometimes I just feel like saying do it yourself. HE does not want to talk about anything cancer or healty eating related and he say's just do it and I will take/eat what you give me. But then he complains, rolls his eyes and says this stuff taste like crap different comments like that and its getting really irratating. I want him to have the best chance of fighting this thing but its like I am the one doing the fighting for him - I'm sure he is dealing with this emotionally inside himself but come on when the term is "fight for your life" I would think that would mean some effort on his part and not just give me what you think I need and I will take it. Makes me feel like his life is in my hands and if I make the wrong choices and he gets worse it is my fault and then I hear from his friends "you besure to take care of him". Geesh that is what I am trying to do but it should not be all up to me. I don't know if Denny has even read or resarched anything on the internet about his cancer as he does not want to talk about it. I tried the other day to talk about it and he said "Can we have just one day where I don't have to hear the word Cancer" He said I hear it when people call, I hear it when we go anywhere, I hear it at home. But Bottom line is I have NO IDEA where he stands with his Cancer he has never allowed us to really sit down and talk about options what if's how he or I feels etc. I think he just wants to let it go and hope for the best. I guess this is his right so maybe I should just back off and let things be.

See so I am "fIt to be tied" feel "damned if I do and damned if I don't".

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

Some time to deal with it himself. I myself, don't like to be reminded constantly either that I have cancer. He will talk about it when he's ready. My friend, and I used to have "friendssssss" but, I say now "Friend" that calls me, who does live in Virginia (she was my roommate before I got married as well) NEVER even mentions cancer to me, unless I bring it up, and then she listens, and will talk, but we like to be treated normally too, like before we had cancer.

My hubby sounds abit like yours with the Naturopathic route, he is all for healthy eating and me wanting the juicer, but he thinks, as me, it's also in the genes, it not just in what you eat, and you shouldn't give up everything that tastes good, or that he enjoys as well, let him decide what he wants for himself, he probably feels like he is being pushed against a wall in doing this or that, that he just wants to be left alone, and let things live, let him be him.

I'm not being mean or anything, so don't take anything I say offensively, I know you love him and want him to live, but he has to want too as well, and he will, eventually, just give him some time :)

Hugsss!
~Donna

laurie83833's picture
laurie83833
Posts: 63
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you Donna,

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

I've heard of others with this same problem. Sounds like he's in denial. Donna is right about it needing to sink in with him. Unfortnately, it may not sink in until the cancer progresses, or he gets a recurrence. Not saying that will happen; it might not! But you know i'm a firm believer that diet is an essential factor in healing, and staying healed. At least he's eating what you're preparing, and i would continue to do that until he refuses to eat it anymore.

My boyfriend does not want to go completely raw even though i have. I'm the one who prepares the food, so if he wants to eat, he either has to prepare his own meals, or eat what i prepare!! He always opts to eat what i make, and sometimes he likes it, and sometimes he doesn't. That's the rule around here, so he doesn't complain so much anymore. Luckily for me, he doesn't complain about the juicing, and actually likes it because we can get creative with it, and make it taste good (his tastes better than mine because i load mine up with all kinds of powdered supplements). Your husband can get used to a diet change, and i believe it's imperative that he does SOMETHING to make sure he doesn't have to deal with cancer anymore. If he's afraid of the chemo side effects, that's very understandable, but cancer side effects are worse. I've been there, and wished for death every day i suffered with it. The chemo was a walk in the park compared to the cancer symptoms. The diet change was difficult, but i have no chemo side effects, and very little cancer symptoms.

Having cancer is having to sacrifice a lot, and sometimes we can choose which sacrifices we're willing to make. It's an impowering feeling to be able to choose anything, when cancer leaves you feeling completely helpless. You're making the sacrifices for him right now, and i think that's good. Someone once posted on here that his wife had tried to feed him healthier food, and tried to get him to juice, and he refused it. When his cancer returned, he wished he had listened to her. He juices now! I think it was Don, but i'm not sure about that. Maybe he will chime in here!?

Just do the best you can, and remember that you need to take care of yourself too. Don't let the ignorant comments of people upset you. You'll hear all kinds of things before this is over.

You're a wonderful caregiver, and your husband is EXTREMELY lucky to have you.

I haven't been posting recipes lately, but i'll start doing that again. I think i'll post a raw chocolate cake that is so yummy, you won't believe it's healthy!

Many hugs,
Krista

nudgie's picture
nudgie
Posts: 1483
Joined: Sep 2006

I was DX at age 42 in 2006 with Stage II colon cancer. Path report indicated no signs of spreading or in my lymph nodes. My surgeon recommended I see an Oncologist, so we did. He was around my age.

He stated that "industry" standard (Moasic Study) for Stage II was called Adjuant Chemotherapy (after surgery) and would be considered an insurance policy for me to make sure that there were no "microscopic" cancer cells roaming around within my body. I did not want to do chemo but discussed this with my hubby, son, family and friends and everyone agreed I should not take the risk and/or chance of having microscopic cancer cells, so I decided to do the chemo treatments which was FLOFOX once every other week for 6 months or 12 treatments. Drugs included 5FU, lecovorin (sp) and Oxyplatian (sp).

I did 6 treatments and stopped due to side effects and allergic reaction, but I am GLAD I did the treatments because I have been NED, no evidence of disease, since 2006.

Keep in mind that everyone responds to chemo differently due to our DNA. There are several people on this board that have had no side effects and others that have had all side effects.

It comes down to the old saying, damn'd if you do and damn'd if you don't, but a decision that must be made by him and one he should not second guess.

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6181
Joined: Feb 2009

I agree with Nudgie, I was told that my surgery removed all the cancer and had clear margins, but they still recommended the "mop up" chemo even though they were sure they got it all. I'm glad I did because I can now say I did everything I could have. Give him some time to deal with it. He might need to talk to a counselor. I know it is hard for me to not think about it, but I knew I couldn't deny it - that won't make it go away. Hope he comes through this fine and feels better.

Kim

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

I think you BOTH should start a recipe thread on what you're adding to your juices and other stuff, I'd love to see it and try it :)

Hugsss!
~Donna

laurie83833's picture
laurie83833
Posts: 63
Joined: Oct 2009

Recipies would be WONDERFUL I think that would be a great thread to have on this board.

Thanks all, someday I hope to get Denny to atleast read the posts on this board and hopefully in the long run become a member himself at this point and time just taking baby steps with him.

I have not been putting him on a strick vegie diet by any means, he gets 3 squares a day and snacks (just a tab bit more healthy the way I am cooking no read meats,more vegies less processed etc) more healthier then what he had in the past. Before Diag he used to only eat once a day (dinner) and then snack on candies and sweets for the next 4 hours or so until he fell asleep. I could never get him to eat anymore then that daily. He hates drinking water and alwasy has so his water intack would be of all things koolaid. He now drinks store juices with a splash of like 7-up he also did this on his own. The meals he don't mind he's come around good on that part, its the fresh Juicing he don't like (which BTW is only twice a day) and the few vitamins I give him (which he use to take none). He has cut back SOME on the candies (he has such a sweet tooth) and he is eating more like dehydrated fruits as his snacks now more then just candies and he did that part on his own!

I think he will eventually come around like Donna said but I don't want it to go to long so until he flat out refuses I will keep up with the regiment he has been allowing me to do now. I guess kind of a saftely net in a way or so I hope until he does come around.

Thanks all,
Laurie

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

My teeth hurt after reading that post :(

My kids don't even eat alot of candy.

How does he fall asleep with all that sugar in him?? gosh, does he like strawberries with come whipped cream maybe, some veggie trays with dip, I love those, I know whipped cream is bad! but I like just a lil, and the same with water, I had to get used to drinking it, my bro Buzz let me know there are powders out there with vitamins and fiber to make the water taste better, with lots of flavors, so look for it in the crystal light kind of section in your supermarket, alot have no sugar in it.

I doubt it would take long to sink it, right now, there is so much going on in that lil head of his, you'd be surprised, that's all I could think about when I was dx'd, but it took a few weeks to really want to talk to my hubby about it, and write things down in case something should happen, I been thinking about keeping a journal to myself, but my daughter said that would sooo depress her if she found something like that after I died, to see my writing about it, so I haven't done it.

Sounds like he just a picky eater. I'd make him make himself stuff to eat if he doesn't like what you're preparing, don't treat him like he's a baby, oh no, just make sure he treats you right, you're doing so much for him, I'd hate for him to just not appreciate you...you're doing a wonderful job, but it takes two to make it work, cancer or not..he needs to be there..is he on any anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety meds?

Hugsss!
~Donna

Julie 44
Posts: 479
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi Laurie,
Welcome to this board..I just wanted to thank you for being such a devoted caregiver.Because its people like you that helps us get through it..Give him some time to deal with this.I know it must VERY hard on you but the only thing you can do now is be there for him when he is ready to talk..It will happen soon enough cause he will need to unload his mind from all of this there is only so much you can keep inside...
Keep the faith and keep posting we are here for you....JULIE

laurie83833's picture
laurie83833
Posts: 63
Joined: Oct 2009

It really means alot what you have all said. Thank you ~ I feel much better and I do think Denny will come around in his own time.

Mike49's picture
Mike49
Posts: 269
Joined: Nov 2008

I'd love t know some of the recipes, please share.

just4Brooks's picture
just4Brooks
Posts: 988
Joined: Jun 2009

I didn't see in you posting of when he was dx with cancer. I was dx April 12th 2009 and it's till hard for me to accept my stage 3 dx. I still have days that are just BAD BAD BAD. But as time has went by and with the help of many on this board I'm doing better TODAY. But I'm sure I'll still have my down days. Please give him some time to work things out from within himself. Have him look at this board and he can PM me or anyone else at anytime when he needs too.

love ya all
Brooks

cowman
Posts: 61
Joined: Jun 2009

Laurie,

I can really relate to some of your post! Sometimes as a spouse I think I try too hard to help and to get his mental and physical body moving in the right direction. Then, I realize or am told I need to back off and it is just so hard "not to care". I can't do that but that's almost how you have to get for a little while. The patient needs to figure it out and try on their own.

I know my husband lashes out at times and then later tells me it wasn't me...I am just there at the wrong time. Let's face it - we are going to be the ones that are there most of the time and its going to happen. I do let him know when it's enough though!

They don't make sense at times because of everything they are going through, I think. Even though I feel like I am living it. I can't know how it feels to be THE ONE who has it.
Good Luck and know you aren't the only frustrated caregiver out there!!!!!
Diane

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

I think each person has to deal with the emotions of their cancer diagnosis in their own way. I know that I didn't even react the way I thought I would if something like this ever happened to me. It's just a shock to the system. Give your husband time and plenty of openings to talk if he wants to, and I think he'll come around.

You say he's going the natural route. My only concern would be wondering if he's going to be faithful about continuing a regular schedule of checkups. I was diagnosed at Stage 1, but I certainly plan to stick with the oncologist.

*hugs*
Gail

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

Just a suggestion - tell him you understand him being tired of hearing about cancer every day. But tell him firmly that you do need to have a discussion about it - just the two of you - and you are willing to let him pick the time and date, and then stick to it.

Lay it on the line - that you want to do everything you can to ensure you are both healthy to have a long life together. Ask if he WANTS you to juice and make healthy meals for him or not. Explain that it really hurts you when you go through the effort and all he does is complain. And if you plan to push this at him, please plan to eat this way yourself, or you probably will not get far.

Good luck to you both - cancer isn't an easy journey, but once we set our plans and follow them, we can have a little more sense of peace.

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