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need to vent

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

hugs lm sorry just needed to let it out to my semi colon family.as soon as lm starting to feel better lm down again. just been so angry towards my husband hes going away for two nights for a break tomorrow and l agreed with it last week as he was complaining of being so tired as he is my care giver l dont know why lve been so angry to him over last week or so maybe l feel lost without him have fears he may like being without me l dont know.tonight l told him hes been so cold to me ie no hugs etc he apologized and said he will try harder as he is juggling so much.l dont know maybe lm angry about not being me at this present moment in time not doing things as a married couple should because of my treatments & depression feel like a burden again.l dont know more l write more l feel like lm moaning my life will get better & lm on a learning curve & l. should be thankful my panic attacks have turned to anxiety attacks & l seem to be getting them daily angry at that as well hoping my new anti depressants will kick in properly soon as its been 3 weeks.sorry my semi colon family for venting & being so angry hugs to you all

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Sonia!!!

Girl, I know the feelings you are having, and just went through what you're going through last week, I had my crying spell, thinking I'm a burden, and maybe things would just be better without me, I try not to depend on just my husband as my caregiver, I try to do what I can myself, the only time I really need help is when I get unhooked from chemo, and feel tired for a few days, and that's it...(or when I'm in the hospital of course), but, I then have to come back to earth and thank the good lord that I am still here, because my babies need me.

I give my husband as much space as possible as well, I make him go fishing, which is his love, I make him go out and do things on his own, he hates to leave me, and feels guilty if he does, and I don't want that, because I'd feel guilty if his life stopped because of me, even if I'm really tired, and may need him for something, I try to do it myself, or have my kids help me, even a friend. He is my caregiver, but I don't want him stuck to me 24/7. He needs to be happy and healthy, and peace of mind as well to be able to take care of me, so I make sure he gets his time.

Just because your hubby wants to go away for a couple days, or just wants some space, doesn't mean he loves you any less, they just want to be themselves, and get away, that doesn't make you or anyone a burden, it's something they did BEFORE the diagnosis, then I don't want them to stop what they did because of it either, he is there for you, but everyone needs an outlet, without blaming each for it, you should have an outlet for yourself as well, go out with friends, or get away yourself for a couple days, I'd love to hang out with my friends for a weekend, just to be yourself, but that doesn't mean I don't love my hubby or kids because I want to be away from them, I love them with my life, just like I'm sure your hubby loves you! You are not a burden because he wants to go away, stop feeling guilty, you have a new life now is all, which just has to adjust to this new change, and it's going to take time to sort..

Even on anti-depressants, we're still gonne have our crying spells once in awhile, they aren't as bad as they used to be, because I've accepted the new life and the new ways, and had to make some changes now, not alot, but just be glad to be alive, and think of how you can better it, just because you have cancer, doesn't mean you stop living, I wish I was there so we could go out and party for the weekend! LOL...but never, ever think you are burden, don't listen to those "voices"...you're stronger then that, you are a beautiful, wonderful person!

Hugsss!
~Donna

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4884
Joined: May 2005

Cancer is not easy for anyone to handle or deal with. I guess everyone has their own way of handling it (or not handling it). I basically take care of myself and I also do most of the cooking (I'm a better cook). I've wondered from time to time how my wife would handle things if I were in worse shape. At times I have doubts about it but thankfully I am not there. I've thought of how I would deal with things if she were sick and not me. I think I'd handle things differently. It does sound to me like he is a bit resentful of the cancer and what's happened or not happened because of it. My wife and I sometimes talk about this but I know she feels it more than I bring it up. Cancer has a way of screwing everything up on you, doesn't it... I think we all can relate to that. I'm sorry I do not have a lot of good advice but do feel free to vent here. That's part of why we're all here.
I know from my own experience that the meds can do a lot to make you feel better when they are working for you or make you feel worse when they're not quite right.
Hang in there Sonia
-phil

Paula G.'s picture
Paula G.
Posts: 596
Joined: Apr 2009

Sonia, I am so sorry you are feeling down. Your husband just might need to get away from the cancer thing and it isn't you.
My husband has been a caregiver to me for the past 18 years of my battle with MS. Now I am his or should I say we are cargivers to each other.
I hope things get better for you soon. Paula

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6076
Joined: Feb 2009

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know how you feel, because my husband goes golfing (which I had to give up because of surgery) and to the driving range every day, to visiting and doing things with the grandkids (which I can't) to going to Home Depot five days a week, etc. I know when he has to pick our granddaughter up from school it takes him 1 1/2 hours - that makes me sad because I can't do that, but I realize that he needs his time away. He's always been there when I needed him so I know I have to let him do what he wants. Do I want to do that same he does - yes, do I feel alone sometimes - yes, do I feel selfish sometimes - yes. We all have that feeling and I try so hard to be strong for others, but honestly, I have a mental and physical break down and no one knows - that's sad because why have to hide it. I hope you feel better. We are here as your family too - so don't ever forget that. You always have someone to talk to that has been in your shoes, that feels how you have felt or feel right now and someone that can say I'm here for you - even though it isn't a physical hug it is still an emotional hug. Keep your chin up kiddo - we are here for you.

Kim

lizzydavis's picture
lizzydavis
Posts: 893
Joined: May 2009

Hi Sonia,

I noticed that deep into this situation - arguments and tension showed their faces. I stopped right then and told myself that I am not going to let this happen. I know that no one likes to be around a complainer so I changed my tune. I looked for positive things to say everytime I could. "This is a beautiful day today - great weather". "This chicken is delicious". I tried to always compliment him on his haircut or clothes he was wearing. I also made it very important to me to thank him often for helping with the things he did. I made sure he knew I appreciated it. I needed extra sleep and felt stronger and happier after I woke up. We watched funny shows (Jay Leno, Seinfeld, Friends,) instead of the serious news and murder stories. I went to his favorite restaurant (even though it is not my favorite) and I bought him special gifts. The apple pie from the grocery store was a big hit! I even watched football with him. I have always tried to look the best I could everyday by getting clean and dressed and adding a little lipstick, etc. It made a big difference for me. I keep thinking of the days ahead when all of this will be behind me. I hope this helps.

coolvdub's picture
coolvdub
Posts: 410
Joined: Aug 2009

Sonia,

Sweetie, don't worry he and you will be okay. My wife was hopping mad today as my caregiver. It's harder for them when they don't see immediate results. Sheri is really mad today because they haven't fixed my obstruction yet and it's real hard to see somebody you LOVE in pain day after day with no perceived releif in sight. I just went on short walk with her and held her hand and told her I LOVE YOU. She is feeling a little better now and I think I even got a small smile out of her, but she won't admit it.

Don

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

Cancer puts alot of stress on everyone,and sometimes you have to take a break from it ,either together or apart.We took a trip together to one end of the country,and just laid on the beach,went out to eat,and hit most of the tourist shops.Then when we got back we went fishing.And for a while we forgot about the cancer.Venting also works,so just vent when ever you feel like it.Do what ever helps,just don't let the cancer get the better of you.

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. It might not seem like it today, but I bet once you and your husband do have a break from each other for a few days, things will go better, and less stressful. If he says he is tired and needs a break, I'm sure he deserves it. If you need help, is there a friend or another family member around that will come stay with you?

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Sonia,
So many have already shared such wisdom. Cancer is hard on all of us, caregivers and those fighting the cancer. It is good for your husband to take a break and it is also good for you to do something for yourself when he is gone. Indulge yourself with something that makes you feel good.
Your a dear. I pray things get better, I'm sure they will.

Aloha,
Kathleen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Sonia, Your thoughts reminded me of a friend's comments the other day. She has m.s. and is confined to a wheelchair. She told me that when her husband was dressing her that morning she thought, "What a terrible life this is for him." I'll tell you the same thing I told her. That is that as a caregiver, I am honored to care for my husband and so glad that he is still here to care for. That doesn't mean that I don't get tired or depressed. It doesn't mean that I don't need some time away. I don't hate my husband or caring for him. I hate the disease. I hate seeing him in pain. I'm sure your husband feels the same. It's ok to vent and it's ok to be angry. Cancer sucks for all of us. Fay

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hi Sonia,

I'm sorry that you've had a bad few days. Others have already given you some wise advice. As others have said, just because hubby wants a couple of days away doesn't mean it's all bad. It is hard being a caregiver and a break just may be what he needs to regain his strength again so he can be there for you. I continue to pray for you. Not as a doctor, but as someone who is dealing with depression in my kids, I am seeing some real great changes in two of my three kids this past week or so and they have been taking Sam-e. I'm really pleased and talked about it with my son's dr. & he said he's had patients who have had good results from sam-e and so he believes it can definitely be helpful. If the current med you're on doesn't kick in well within a week or so, I'd look into sam-e. Of course, you wouldn't want to just quit any med. cold turkey or without talking to your doctor, but it's something worth googling and reading up on and then talking to your dr. about. My youngest is like a new happy girl this past week (she's been on it about 3-1/2 weeks now). My son is seeming better in the past few days too (he's been on it 2 weeks).

You take care & hugs to you-
Lisa

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

... to hear your kids are doing just as well Lisa, whatever makes them happy, I'm sure they are going to be just fine, Hope everything else is ok, and you seem alot more upbeat as well, I'm glad to see that!

Hugsss!
~Donna

robinvan's picture
robinvan
Posts: 1014
Joined: May 2007

Thank you for trusting us enough to open up the way you have. Sometimes all we can to is let rip with a good old LAMENT!! It is good to have a bunch of compassionate friends around when that happens!

There are a lot of wise women here who can relate to what you are feeling as a young woman and wife in the midst of a very difficult illness and treatment regime. Many of them have shared thoughtfully above. For some of us older farts... the issues may be a little different but still a lot in common.

I think you name things very clearly... you keep coming back to the anger you are experiencing. Of course you are ANGRY! There is lots to be angry about in your circumstances and it is an appropriate and natural emotion to be feeling. And yes... it does have that nasty tendency to emerge again and again and again! You cannot stuff this, deny it, or feel guilty about it. It is good to "own it" and to "name it" as you have been doing.

But you are also clear in saying you are concerned about your "angry behaviour" towards your husband, who is after all, NOT the source of your anger but "for better of for worse" the one who gets to bear it sometimes. If you can be clear about this difference, between the natural feeling of anger, and the mis-directed "angry behaviour", you are very close to resolving it. Can you find ways of naming, working through, and relinquishing your anger before it becomes projected on to the one you love the most? It is true of all pain and suffering that the pain we are not able to "TRANSFORM" (ie... heal, "let go of", relinquish) we will "TRANSMIT" (ie... project, pass on, poison)

I'm not saying this is easy! I know it is not. It is a daily discipline and sometimes takes the help of a friend with thick skin and a lot of patience. Sometimes this can be a spouse, sometimes it is better if it is someone else. I know though, and have seen, that with the right intention, focus, and work, anger can be wondefully transformed into creative energy for healing, action, service, and new life depending on the needs of the situation.

Finally, if a picture tells a thousand words, and if that is a picture of you and your husband on your message, it doesn't take a thousand words to see that (1.) you are a couple very much in love, (2.) there is great fun and playfulness in your relationship, (3.) it has the promise of many happy years ahead beyond the struggle and sorrow of this day and (4.) you are a very beautiful woman and your husband knows that cancer DOESN'T change that!

Be angry, Sonia, but "do not let the sun go down on your anger"... find a way to let it go, and let it be, and you will find peace and tranquility for your heart.

Sorry if this is way over the top for you!! Happy to converse more via private messages if you like.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Van

“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy.”
Aristotle

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

Don't be sorry thats why we are here for you, It will get better you just hit a bump in the road. it will smooth out.Take care.

michelle

Sonia32's picture
Sonia32
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mar 2009

Firstly hugs to each and everyone of you, awww going all soft here (blaming the drugs lol) really do love you guys. Without God, my husband, my family and friends and you all on this board I would be lost without you. Thank you so much for the advice you all gave, I am so glad I posted last night and didn't let it fester inside me. It really did help to post, made me realise why I was feeling so angry, I was just worried and scared to admit it. But after I posted I spoke to my husband about why I felt I was being so angry and it was just fears and worries. He's promised to try and show his affection a bit more, I know he has so much to cope with but I have just been missing that, and I told him. But I've promised to be more open, he does try and talk to me but sometimes (and I've always been like this) I've not been so forthcoming about how I really feel.
Anyway he has gone away today, I have tried to keep occupied by going shopping, sorting the house out and renting dvds, and buying krispe creame donguts (I am homer simpson for today lol)
I could have asked my father to come round (as my friends are busy with university and work during the week) but I thought no, try and be independent. I was so before the cancer, so not let it rule me. I have been coping the last few days on my own with my anxiety attacks, I feel proud I've done that. I think it was another one of my fears that what if I have one while my husband is away, but I've coped probably the diazapam (lol anyone needs one I will send one for free, I'm teasing)
So posting, and reading all your wonderful advice and prayers has helped me so much.
Hugs to you all
Sonia

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Dear Sonia

I'm sorry you are feeling down right now...I stepped away yesterday and went out of town on my karaoke tour and "sang my last concert" for a spell and took the wife - saw some of my family and sang a few songs - it was something that I wanted to do before surgery.

It looks like I missed this - everyone has given sound advice here - there's no right or wrong answer with ANGER - I wrote about a personal experience I had a couple of weeks ago with Anger and Depression - and the thing is when there are 2 of you, it's a natural tendency to take out your feelings on your partner, they are the only ones who you can get away with this.

Cancer is a war - it does not go away overnight or when we want it to. Your husband and you are just feeling a course of normal human reactions...he's going away for a day or 2 - you are trying to support that - but you are mad that he is leaving you.

I know when I was down on the treatments a year ago, there were many, many nights, especially on the weekends when she was off and home, when I was in bed by 7:30 for the evening and she had nothing from me, because I had nothing to give her.

She never talks to me about her feelings, but I thought how cheated she must have been...and she stayed home, never went out or away or anything, just stayed with me. It hurt me that I was not there for her even to watch TV - I think she understood and maybe she was even resentful - we were in the throes of chemo, so maybe she thought "Is this it?"

The STORMS in life will pass and this one will too.

I am happy that you trust us enough to tell us how you are feeling - by releasing these feelings, you are allowing nature to come in and heal that wound - as Phil said, that is why we are here.

I know just reading the responses to this post has already made me feel better - just having the connection with this group and their outpouring of sentiment and their shared wisdom and experiences is a truly "healing thing."

Now, having said all that...your BIG BRO LOVES YOU VERY MUCH!!!

It's 12:00pm, so it's early in the morning across the pond - but when you wake up, all of this wonderful medicine will be here for you to read - and you will feel better.

Remember, Sonia - Cancer is not a race, it is a marathon and there will be places to pull over and recoup - hang in there...the worm will turn, things will ease up...when things go badly, step back and reflect on what you've learned and each time you will get stronger and stronger thorugh the process.

Hey, and you are not ALONE, I've tried to reveal some of my personal feelings on this board, and by me doing that, I've had many people come forward and tell me about their personal experiences too.

What does that tell me?

It tells me that we are all the same and feel the same...that's the beauty of being human.

And by getting people to open up and acknoledge they are human, heals us all.

Well, I'm out of words...STAY WITH ME!

((((SONIA))))

-Craig

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