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I lost my mother

heatherstar70
heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
my mother found out she had colorectal cancer in dec 2008... this is the first time i have seen cancer and seen how it works.. my mother was my best friend and i stood by her for every treatment.. we were a team and we did everything together.. her battle may have been very short compared to some people who have to suffer from this terrible disease for years and year but she fought it with every once of strength she had.. on aug. 14th she lost her battle and passed away at home with me, my brother,grandmother and her husband standing by her side..
im not writing this to put sadness in the hearts of those who read this.. i guess one reason im writing this is just to talk about it..and also to fight back.. i want to give back and i need to know how.. i want to do charity events or help raise money in hopes that some day this terrible disease can be stopped or prevented.. please if you have any advice for me i would be more than happy to listen and learn..

sincerely
Heather
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Comments

  • lizdeli
    lizdeli Member Posts: 569
    I'm sorry...
    Hi Heather,
    I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. It is one of the most painful experiences in life. I lost my Mom 4 years ago...not to cancer, but to a hospital error. I just finished chemo and radiation for anal cancer and from the day I was diagonosed I kept wishing I had her by my side.

    All I can say is that the grieving process takes time and it's a roller coaster. It was wonderful that you were by her side throughout this and I'm sure it brought her comfort knowing you were with her. My her memory always bring you comfort and I pray that your heart will heal.
    God bless,
    Liz
  • heatherstar70
    heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39
    lizdeli said:

    I'm sorry...
    Hi Heather,
    I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. It is one of the most painful experiences in life. I lost my Mom 4 years ago...not to cancer, but to a hospital error. I just finished chemo and radiation for anal cancer and from the day I was diagonosed I kept wishing I had her by my side.

    All I can say is that the grieving process takes time and it's a roller coaster. It was wonderful that you were by her side throughout this and I'm sure it brought her comfort knowing you were with her. My her memory always bring you comfort and I pray that your heart will heal.
    God bless,
    Liz

    thank you
    thank you Liz.. i feel like the more i talk about it the better i feel.. online is my best outlet.. after my mom died the people i work with acted like nothing happened.. they didn't call and when i came back to work everyone was afraid to talk to me about it.. my husband isn't very good at helping me deal with feelings so i keep a straight face in front of him..i do feel like im on a roller coaster but im not aloud to scream..

    thank you for letting me vent and you kind words

    Heather
  • lizdeli
    lizdeli Member Posts: 569

    thank you
    thank you Liz.. i feel like the more i talk about it the better i feel.. online is my best outlet.. after my mom died the people i work with acted like nothing happened.. they didn't call and when i came back to work everyone was afraid to talk to me about it.. my husband isn't very good at helping me deal with feelings so i keep a straight face in front of him..i do feel like im on a roller coaster but im not aloud to scream..

    thank you for letting me vent and you kind words

    Heather

    I understand
    People can be weird. I had similar experiences after my Mom died. Just because we don't wear our feelings on our sleeve doesn't mean we aren't hurting inside. I know how painful it is. I found that at times I just had to tell people that I was hurting so bad. I didn't want pity, I just wanted understanding. It's as if someone cut a hole in my stomach. Take it day by day. Some days will be okay, some will feel like it just happened. There is no time stamp for when it gets better. We just learn to cope over time. I pray that you will receive strength and healing.
  • butterfly23
    butterfly23 Member Posts: 256
    Hi Heather
    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. She was very lucky to have you there by her side. My mom and I were just talking about this. A few years ago my husband and I moved in with my parents to save for a house. Six months later I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I can't imagine going through this without her. We also have great relationship. Your mom was not alone, she had you by her side. That means alot to someone going through this. I can't imagine what you are going through. My prayers and thoughts are here for you through this difficult time!
    Hugs!
    Karyn
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043

    Hi Heather
    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. She was very lucky to have you there by her side. My mom and I were just talking about this. A few years ago my husband and I moved in with my parents to save for a house. Six months later I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I can't imagine going through this without her. We also have great relationship. Your mom was not alone, she had you by her side. That means alot to someone going through this. I can't imagine what you are going through. My prayers and thoughts are here for you through this difficult time!
    Hugs!
    Karyn

    Heather
    Just by being a part of this forum has made you an active role model in this battle...There is also an emotional thread and a caregiver thread to post on if you are interested...We like you with us, and want you to remain part of our family. We hold each one of our semi colons and their caregivers in our hearts, prayers, and good thoughts, as well as all of the other types of patients in here.....Thank you for speaking with us and my deepest sympathies to you for the loss of your mom.......Your Friend, Clift
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    lizdeli said:

    I understand
    People can be weird. I had similar experiences after my Mom died. Just because we don't wear our feelings on our sleeve doesn't mean we aren't hurting inside. I know how painful it is. I found that at times I just had to tell people that I was hurting so bad. I didn't want pity, I just wanted understanding. It's as if someone cut a hole in my stomach. Take it day by day. Some days will be okay, some will feel like it just happened. There is no time stamp for when it gets better. We just learn to cope over time. I pray that you will receive strength and healing.

    I'm So.......
    .....Sorry to hear about your mom, this is a rotten disease, the pain, having to try to keep moving on even though you're so tired. You're grieving is normal, but these will turn into beautiful memories. My mom died when I was 16, and she was only 40 of leukemis, I know how you feel, I wish I was there to give you some real big hugs, but hope the virtual one is good enough to Hugs! If you need to talk more, we're all here for you!!

    Hugsssssssss!
    ~Donna
  • robinvan
    robinvan Member Posts: 1,012
    Thank You Heather
    Thank You for sharing the news of your mother's passing. I know that each loss from within this community affects us all.

    I am inspired by the sense of service which you feel coming through this experience. It is so true that one of the best things we can do in coping with our own grief is to work to lessen the suffering of others.

    Advice... on a practical side. Have you had you colonoscopy yet?

    I hope you stay with us as a part of our family.

    Peace and Blessings... Rob; in Van

    “.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper”
    Henri Nouwen
  • Nana b
    Nana b Member Posts: 3,030
    robinvan said:

    Thank You Heather
    Thank You for sharing the news of your mother's passing. I know that each loss from within this community affects us all.

    I am inspired by the sense of service which you feel coming through this experience. It is so true that one of the best things we can do in coping with our own grief is to work to lessen the suffering of others.

    Advice... on a practical side. Have you had you colonoscopy yet?

    I hope you stay with us as a part of our family.

    Peace and Blessings... Rob; in Van

    “.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper”
    Henri Nouwen

    So sorry Heather!
    So sorry for the loss of your Mom. Happy to hear that you were there for your Mom, at times when you feel you can't take another step it's nice to know that someone is there that cares and loves you lots. Your hurt must be so raw, continue to love your Mom in your heart, she can live there forever....

    People don't know how to handle other's pain, so they choose to keep silent. Open up and they will too.

    Lots of Hugs and courage sent your way.
  • heatherstar70
    heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39
    Shayenne said:

    I'm So.......
    .....Sorry to hear about your mom, this is a rotten disease, the pain, having to try to keep moving on even though you're so tired. You're grieving is normal, but these will turn into beautiful memories. My mom died when I was 16, and she was only 40 of leukemis, I know how you feel, I wish I was there to give you some real big hugs, but hope the virtual one is good enough to Hugs! If you need to talk more, we're all here for you!!

    Hugsssssssss!
    ~Donna

    thank you
    thank you so much and the virtual hugs are great..

    sending hugs back
    Heather
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071
    heathei
    l know exactly were you are coming from l lost my mum two years ago to breast cancer.she was my best friend my mum my sister.when l lost her l lost a bit of myself.lm glad you are on the board you can be who you want to be without being put down.you will never get over losing her but you will get through it.sending big hugs your way hope you stick around with us sonia
  • heatherstar70
    heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39

    Hi Heather
    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. She was very lucky to have you there by her side. My mom and I were just talking about this. A few years ago my husband and I moved in with my parents to save for a house. Six months later I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I can't imagine going through this without her. We also have great relationship. Your mom was not alone, she had you by her side. That means alot to someone going through this. I can't imagine what you are going through. My prayers and thoughts are here for you through this difficult time!
    Hugs!
    Karyn

    thank you
    i do feel some peace in knowing we did get to spend so much time together..i miss her so much..
    i am so sorry that you are going through this i wish i could take it away..
    i really like your screen name by the way my moms fav thing was butterflies..
    i feel like you have a special place in my heart and i will be here for YOU.

    This is a card that someone sent my mother while she was sick and she loved it so much and now i want to share it with you

    One tiny butterfly shows what it means
    to have enduring courage and dignity,
    so that even when the wind takes it in an unknown direction
    it flies,
    staying strong, staying brave.
    One tiny butterfly lifts itself up with the light
    deep inside its soul,
    rising on wings of hope for a safe and renewing journey...
    Your like that butterfly, brave and beautiful.
    I know your courageous spirit will carry you through this
    just like it has carried you so many times before.
    And i also know I'm here for you,
    to offer you friendship and comfort and support,
    so you'll soon have the strength you need
    to soar once more...


    send you hugs
    Heather
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165
    Sonia32 said:

    heathei
    l know exactly were you are coming from l lost my mum two years ago to breast cancer.she was my best friend my mum my sister.when l lost her l lost a bit of myself.lm glad you are on the board you can be who you want to be without being put down.you will never get over losing her but you will get through it.sending big hugs your way hope you stick around with us sonia

    Heather
    I am sorry for your loss.

    michelle
  • kc12
    kc12 Member Posts: 11
    I just lost my Mom
    I lost my Mom on September 2nd. We found out on March 19th of this year that she had cancer. She went through Chemo and everything. It was such a short time to even wrap our heads around her having cancer, losing her will take even longer to comprehend.

    I have never felt anything close to as horrible as I feel now, knowing she is not physically here with us. My Mom was everything to me, the closest I've ever been to anyone in my life. I honestly feel panic each and everyday knowing that I can't just call her up.

    I was with my Mom everyday for three weeks leading up to her passing. It was the hardest three weeks of my life. I took comfort in the fact that not once during that time did she say she was scared or afraid of anything, she was only sad for us to have to go through this. My family is very close so that helps a lot and my boyfriend has been really amazing through this, however, I know what you mean about people at work and everything. People here act like nothing happened and it makes it weird for me. Every time someone has something significant happen in there life I at least ask how everything is and if they need anything, but now that something so terrible has happened in my life they don't return that warmth or caring attitude.

    I miss my Mom so much I can't even describe. I still talk to her everyday because I know she is listening.

    As far as fighting back, this past year along with my Mom, my sister and I started a relay for life team and we plan to continue that every year from here on out. I'll be looking for other ways to end this nasty disease as well.

    Please message me if you would like to talk.
  • lizzydavis
    lizzydavis Member Posts: 893
    To Comfort You and know others care...
    I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I lost my mother when I was 26 years old. I was devastated also.
    --- Please know that your mom would want the best for you and for you to continue on every day putting your best foot forward and honoring her by your success in life and kindness to others.
    ----
    This is a special prayer which I keep near me which has been a great comfort to me.

    ----In Memory Of a Mother
    “ I remember thee in this solemn hour, my dear mother. I remember the days when thou didst dwell on Earth and thy tender love watched over me like a guardian angel.
    Thou hast gone from me, but the bond which unites our souls can never be severed; thine image lives within my heart. May the merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou has ever shown me; may he lift up the light of his countenance upon thee, and grant thee eternal peace. Amen.”

    With sincere sympathy,
    Lizzy
  • heatherstar70
    heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39
    robinvan said:

    Thank You Heather
    Thank You for sharing the news of your mother's passing. I know that each loss from within this community affects us all.

    I am inspired by the sense of service which you feel coming through this experience. It is so true that one of the best things we can do in coping with our own grief is to work to lessen the suffering of others.

    Advice... on a practical side. Have you had you colonoscopy yet?

    I hope you stay with us as a part of our family.

    Peace and Blessings... Rob; in Van

    “.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper”
    Henri Nouwen

    thank you
    i really do feel like i can make a difference.. i can sit around and be sad all the time.. which i do sometimes and i know that's OK.. or i can get up and try to make things better for someone else..

    while my mom was going through all of this i learned a lot about cancer and different meds and different treatments..
    i was my moms nurse basically and had to make sure i was giving her the right things..
    i know im not an expert or anything, but i do think that if i can answer at least one persons question about something.. then that is helping..

    you asked about me having a colonoscopy yet and the answer is no i haven't, but i do plan on having one ASAP.. im just hoping the Dr will not give me a hard time about it.. i know they say that you should have one done by the age of 50 but for me and for so many other that is too late.. i am 26 and as of right now i don't have any symptoms but i also know that one of the most common symptoms are none at all..do you think if i ask them to do this they will have a problem doing it because i am so young and nothing is wrong yet?
    The only sign i have had and at the time 3 years ago i didn't know what is was.. I was pregnant with my youngest child and i found a polyp on my butt.. I had the Dr remove it when i had a c-section.. and they sent it off for testing and of course it came back as no cancerous.. but now reading up on it i know that is how it starts.. but i think another one is growing but i cant get my head down there to look at it,,lol

    Thanksgiving Day would have been my mothers 50th birthday
  • heatherstar70
    heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39
    kc12 said:

    I just lost my Mom
    I lost my Mom on September 2nd. We found out on March 19th of this year that she had cancer. She went through Chemo and everything. It was such a short time to even wrap our heads around her having cancer, losing her will take even longer to comprehend.

    I have never felt anything close to as horrible as I feel now, knowing she is not physically here with us. My Mom was everything to me, the closest I've ever been to anyone in my life. I honestly feel panic each and everyday knowing that I can't just call her up.

    I was with my Mom everyday for three weeks leading up to her passing. It was the hardest three weeks of my life. I took comfort in the fact that not once during that time did she say she was scared or afraid of anything, she was only sad for us to have to go through this. My family is very close so that helps a lot and my boyfriend has been really amazing through this, however, I know what you mean about people at work and everything. People here act like nothing happened and it makes it weird for me. Every time someone has something significant happen in there life I at least ask how everything is and if they need anything, but now that something so terrible has happened in my life they don't return that warmth or caring attitude.

    I miss my Mom so much I can't even describe. I still talk to her everyday because I know she is listening.

    As far as fighting back, this past year along with my Mom, my sister and I started a relay for life team and we plan to continue that every year from here on out. I'll be looking for other ways to end this nasty disease as well.

    Please message me if you would like to talk.

    to kc12
    when i read your message i wasn't sure if i wrote it or you wrote it.. i brought tears to my eyes..i felt like it was my life you were talking about.. i feel the same way about calling her.. i was with my mom everyday and now she is not here.. i talk to her too especially in the car where we spent so much time going to the Dr appointments..

    some days i just dont know what to do i was so used to taking care of her i feel lost now..
    i have 2 lil girls who always seem to brighten my day.. its hard to be sad all the time when you have to wonderful lil girls.. they truly are my angels.. they helped me get back up when i fell.. i remember right after my mom died and i broke down one night i didn't want my girl to see me so i went into the bathroom and i was crying.. my 5 yr old knew something was wrong and came in there with me she looked at me and said "are you sad because of your mommy" and i told her yes.. she walked over and got me a tissue and dried my tears for me and told me not to be sad because my mother was always going to be with me.. such strong caring words from such a small child.. i felt better immediately.. i knew from that moment that i had to make my relationship with my daughters just as precious as the one i had with my mother.. every sec i spend with them counts.. now im not to busy to do lil things..

    i would love to talk to you more kc12
    write me anytime
  • heatherstar70
    heatherstar70 Member Posts: 39

    Heather
    I am sorry for your loss.

    michelle

    thank you
    it means a lot to me that you care

    Heather
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    So Sorry
    I am so sorry for your loss. My only "advice" is to take time to grieve. Hold your memories close and know that you are not alone. Later, if you still want to work in ways that might help find a cure for cancer. There are many ways you can help. Contact your local Cancer Society and find out what fundraisers are in your area. My husband is on Hospice. He has always enjoyed the Relay for Life, seeing so many fellow cancer survivors and remembering those we have lost. I have already told the person who organizes our Relay for Life that I plan to help with that. You might also check with the ACS to see if they have a support group in your area for those who have lost family members to cancer. Right now, just stay in touch. Hugs and prayers. Fay
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342

    So Sorry
    I am so sorry for your loss. My only "advice" is to take time to grieve. Hold your memories close and know that you are not alone. Later, if you still want to work in ways that might help find a cure for cancer. There are many ways you can help. Contact your local Cancer Society and find out what fundraisers are in your area. My husband is on Hospice. He has always enjoyed the Relay for Life, seeing so many fellow cancer survivors and remembering those we have lost. I have already told the person who organizes our Relay for Life that I plan to help with that. You might also check with the ACS to see if they have a support group in your area for those who have lost family members to cancer. Right now, just stay in touch. Hugs and prayers. Fay

    Heather...
    My mother died in 1981, back in the day when they didn't have much for leukemia, I don't think even bone marrow transplants were discovered back then. At first, they thought she had pneumonia, but it turned out to be the dreaded leukemia, she was only 40 at the time, and died just 19 days after diagnosis, it took her so quick, it was shocking. I never went to school, I cut alot, I was just a mess, I did somehow graduate though, I think the school took pity on my even though I was in 10th grade, I did graduate once I got to 12th.

    It's been 28 years, and not a day ever went by that I stopped talking to her, dreaming about her, and hold the wonderful memories of her, I didnt have her very long, but I can feel her around me still, the hurt starts to heal, where you just think of her, and know she isn't going to be happy knowing you're hurting or going on in life, she would want you to be happy and doing what you both used to do together, every holiday I still say "Merry Christmas Mom", I still know her birthday and wish her a birthday wish every year, and throw a balloon in the sky for her, you can celebrate her new life, as well. It hurts deeply now, I sure as heck know, but you can change that and make it into something special as well, toast her on New Years, so after 28 years, time healed my hurt, I found God after being so angry at him for taking her in the first place, but I had to realize he didn't make her sick, but took her to where she would be better.

    If you ever need to talk I'm here as well for you, just cry as much as you want, get the grieving out, and know that you will be ok! You will see her again.

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • butterfly23
    butterfly23 Member Posts: 256

    thank you
    i do feel some peace in knowing we did get to spend so much time together..i miss her so much..
    i am so sorry that you are going through this i wish i could take it away..
    i really like your screen name by the way my moms fav thing was butterflies..
    i feel like you have a special place in my heart and i will be here for YOU.

    This is a card that someone sent my mother while she was sick and she loved it so much and now i want to share it with you

    One tiny butterfly shows what it means
    to have enduring courage and dignity,
    so that even when the wind takes it in an unknown direction
    it flies,
    staying strong, staying brave.
    One tiny butterfly lifts itself up with the light
    deep inside its soul,
    rising on wings of hope for a safe and renewing journey...
    Your like that butterfly, brave and beautiful.
    I know your courageous spirit will carry you through this
    just like it has carried you so many times before.
    And i also know I'm here for you,
    to offer you friendship and comfort and support,
    so you'll soon have the strength you need
    to soar once more...


    send you hugs
    Heather

    butterfly23
    Heather, thank-you for the poem of the butterfly. When I first started my cancer journey, someone had said I reminded them of a butterfly, I had no idea what they meant. I guess when a butterfly is in its cacoon, and is ready to be born, they flap their delicate wings until they break through the cacoon. And I believe that is what we all here are doing with this disease. We are trying so hard to break through to live. When i am finished with my treatments and it is o.k. I am getting a beautiful, colorful tattoo of a butterfly. I will pray for you and hope your days will get easier with time. Remember all the wonderful memories of your mom! We are all here for you!
    Hugs!
    Karyn