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Some Humor - Dave Barry’s guide to preparing for a COLONOSCOPY

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4891
Joined: May 2005

This is from newshound Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly thru Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn”t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, “HE”S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!”

I left Andy”s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called “MoviPrep,” which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, “a loose, watery bowel movement may result.” This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, “What if I spurt on Andy?” How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, “Dancing Queen” had to be the least appropriate.

“You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me. “Ha ha,” I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,” and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Got a grin out of the story :)

How true it can be - everyone will get a kick out of it.

-Craig

just4Brooks's picture
just4Brooks
Posts: 988
Joined: Jun 2009

Thanks for the great story Phill, It made my morning

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4891
Joined: May 2005

Glad I made you guys laugh. I've always been a fan of Dave Barry's and I think he captures the experience quite well.

krystle singer's picture
krystle singer
Posts: 109
Joined: Feb 2009

Truly one of the funniest writers I have ever read. I'm glad that his colonoscopy was A-OK.

Thanks for the laugh!

Sandi

daydreamer110761's picture
daydreamer110761
Posts: 497
Joined: Dec 2008

Always loved Dave Barry - and just having come home from that - how almost true! Thankx for the laugh!

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

Very graphic story,I like it.Thank you for sharing.

coolvdub's picture
coolvdub
Posts: 410
Joined: Aug 2009

Thanks for the laugh phillieg, I really needed it this morning. I literally had tears from laughing.

Don

Kathryn_in_MN's picture
Kathryn_in_MN
Posts: 1258
Joined: Sep 2009

Now THAT was funny! I'm hurting from laughing (recovering from last week's colectomy), but it is worth it. Thanks for posting this.

(I had what they call "conscious" sedation - and it didn't do much of anything - I was wide awake and had severe pain when the scope hit the tumor. But up till then it was no big deal. I have to go back in to have the rest done as soon as my colon heals (about 3 months) because they couldn't get past the tumor, mid-sigmoid. The prep was actually GOOD for me - I had the least amount of pain I'd had in months as everything squirted out, instead of getting hung up on the tumor while it tried to get out. I'm probably the only person happy to take the prep!)

earied
Posts: 22
Joined: Aug 2009

Thanks for sharing. I have my colonoscopy next month-my first after surgery and treatment. Coming up to my one year survivor at the end of October with rectal cancer.

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