suggestions for birthdays???
Comments
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Newbride,
This is just my personal opinion but I would definitely wish him a Happy Birthday! Explain to him that while he may not feel like celebrating it is still his birthday and you plan on having many more with him. Try to keep his spirits up and encourage him to look to the future and not dwell on today, he needs to fight, and it will be a long fight I'm sure. You just need to find ways to encourage him and let him know that in the end it will all be worth it.
He may not appreciate your enthusiasm since he is not feeling well but you need to let him know that you are there for him now and for many, many more birthdays to come.
I'm not sure what type of humor your husband has but I know my husband would buy me a cute card to cheer me up and a sentimental card to show me how much he really loves me. He would also put a bow on one of my cans of nutritional "food" and declare it was my birthday cake that he had slaved over a hot stove all day to cook just for me. We try our best to get through the tough times with a little gentle humor and it usually works.
Please let me know how everything goes as we need to make it over these "little hurdles" to prepare ourselves for the bigger ones to come.
Wishing your husband an early Happy Birthday!
Take care and please post again - we can all make it through this with help from each other!!
Glenna0 -
I had also wanted to mention that it doesn't have to be a big celebration, possibly just the two of you with candlelight or a few close friends and family. Whatever he is feeling up to and just enough to let him know that it is still his special day.
Hugs to both of you,
Glenna0 -
Every Day is a Birthday!Glenna M said:I had also wanted to mention that it doesn't have to be a big celebration, possibly just the two of you with candlelight or a few close friends and family. Whatever he is feeling up to and just enough to let him know that it is still his special day.
Hugs to both of you,
Glenna
For my mother-in-law we got a small cake, some balloons, noisemakers, hats - and just my husband and I and her had a mini-party. She was really tired but perked up a bit with lovely smiles. She even asked to call her sister to report the fun she was having.
My husband felt silly - but I thought it was important to make a big deal of it. Maybe it will be her last birthday and I want her to remember it fondly (we did not say that - but that is my attitude about it).
If you can somehow make a big deal of it he will appreciate it - even if he is tired.
Fatima0 -
My wife didn't stick around to celebrate my birthdays.Glenna M said:Newbride,
This is just my personal opinion but I would definitely wish him a Happy Birthday! Explain to him that while he may not feel like celebrating it is still his birthday and you plan on having many more with him. Try to keep his spirits up and encourage him to look to the future and not dwell on today, he needs to fight, and it will be a long fight I'm sure. You just need to find ways to encourage him and let him know that in the end it will all be worth it.
He may not appreciate your enthusiasm since he is not feeling well but you need to let him know that you are there for him now and for many, many more birthdays to come.
I'm not sure what type of humor your husband has but I know my husband would buy me a cute card to cheer me up and a sentimental card to show me how much he really loves me. He would also put a bow on one of my cans of nutritional "food" and declare it was my birthday cake that he had slaved over a hot stove all day to cook just for me. We try our best to get through the tough times with a little gentle humor and it usually works.
Please let me know how everything goes as we need to make it over these "little hurdles" to prepare ourselves for the bigger ones to come.
Wishing your husband an early Happy Birthday!
Take care and please post again - we can all make it through this with help from each other!!
Glenna
Glenna,
My wife left two years after I concluded combination chemotherapy. Today, I "celebrated" alone, even though I had dinner with good friends on Sunday and will have lunch with a friend tomorrow, right now I sip a glass of pinot noir as I type, alone. Your husband is the luckiest man in the world to have a dedicated loving wife like you and he better know it.
"Although you may deeply appreciate your wife, it can mean so much to the both of you if you will take the time to let her know it. Tell her how you feel and show her in a thousand little ways." Biblical interpretation of taking one's wife for granted.
The good wife is indeed a "pearl of great price"!
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
happy birthday
You do not mention your husband's cancer or why the PEG tube was inserted. Assuming, I think reasonably, that he has issues with eating at this time, I can speak with some experience.
You do not indicate what it is that makes him 'down', either, by the way, and all of this is rather important. If he is simply 'down' because he had the tube insered, that is one thing. If he can't eat, if he has received a horrible prognosis, if he is still in treatment, that is another story altogether.
I will just tell you, then, that after my surgery (October, '05), with a tube already in place, while also receiving chemotherapy and daily radiation treatments, I removed myself from ALL social gatherings, not to rain on the parade, and these included Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner, and New Years stuff.
In my case, if I was 'down', I was also sick. At least for some of those occasions. The thing is, and it really did come as a surprise to a naive and ignorant fellow like myself, almost all social occasions REQUIRE eating and drinking. Watching other people eating while you cannot is probably as close to torture as you can get without doing it intentionally.
It takes some time to get past that.
I avoided them.
I understand where your husband is coming from, and I also understand where YOU are coming from.
If there are things he CAN swallow, broths, soups, yogurt, whatever, you might consider preparing these for his birthday, for his 'special' birthday meal. I recommend that with hesitation because it illuminates his 'differences' at a time when he is apparently not yet ready to acknowledge them. But I do. Have the same for yourself; that is, make it a meal that you can both get down.
If such is not the case, if he is on the tube 100%, then forego the meal, lose the cake, and instead, as others have suggested, celebrate the fact that he is still here! Celebrate the notion that he may very well be here for many more.
Do not invite friends, family, I would advise...it sounds as though he wants to stay away from that for awhile, as I did.
But you are there. And, frankly, if he is up for it, and if it is just the two of you, there are other gifts you might provide him that might perk him up a bit, if his medications and physical status allow it.
Happy birthday to hub, and best wishes to you. I hope that it works out well.
Take care,
Joe0 -
I'm so sorryterato said:My wife didn't stick around to celebrate my birthdays.
Glenna,
My wife left two years after I concluded combination chemotherapy. Today, I "celebrated" alone, even though I had dinner with good friends on Sunday and will have lunch with a friend tomorrow, right now I sip a glass of pinot noir as I type, alone. Your husband is the luckiest man in the world to have a dedicated loving wife like you and he better know it.
"Although you may deeply appreciate your wife, it can mean so much to the both of you if you will take the time to let her know it. Tell her how you feel and show her in a thousand little ways." Biblical interpretation of taking one's wife for granted.
The good wife is indeed a "pearl of great price"!
Love and Courage!
Rick
Rick, I'm so sorry to hear that your wife left after your treatment. My husband and I are of the "older generation" and have already been through so much together (money problems and family "disasters") that we feel the cancer is just another "obstacle" we can overcome together. We have tried to keep our life as normal as possible, I have been lucky enough throughout my treatment that most days I can still do many of the things I always did so our daily routines have not been completely disrupted. My husband has offered to do some of the housework for me but I have told him no, it is something I have always done and enjoy doing. It may take me a couple of days to finish all of the dusting or vacuuming but he doesn't care, if it makes me happy to do it then he doesn't care if we have dust bunnies under the bed. He just reminds me everyday that if there is anything I need him to do for me all I have to do is say so and it will be done.
Like so many other cancer survivors we are going through some pretty tough times financially, my husband is retired and collects social security. I have been accepted for Permanent and Total Disability but will not receive a check until January of 2010 so money is very tight, but we will survive. We have sold everything that was not a necessity and are budgeting our money in hopes of surviving the long cold winter here in New Hampshire. But we still somehow have faith that we will make it and come out winners
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are here for each other, always were, and we see no reason to stop now just because I am sick. We don't talk about the cancer much as it will do no good to second guess what is happening in my body right now. We will wait for the next set of tests and the next rounds of treatments and hope for the best. WE WILL continue to fight this together!!
He has been the best caregiver I could ever have, he doesn't push me or nag me, he simply asks me if I have taken my meds, feedings, etc.,etc. He does it in a jokingly, teasing was as we both know my memory isn't the greatest right now.
As for holidays, birthdays and special events - we still celebrate all of them. We both know that my time may be limited and don't want to miss out on the special times we can share together with our close friends and family. We want to make memories!!
When we first got married my husband told me that marriage was like a job. You need to work at it everyday to keep it strong and healthy. I didn't agree with him at first but now I truly understand what he meant. We have been together for 32 years and will celebrate our 23rd anniversay in November. Now I call that teamwork!!
Hugs and Happiness,
Glenna0 -
Happy Birthdaysoccerfreaks said:happy birthday
You do not mention your husband's cancer or why the PEG tube was inserted. Assuming, I think reasonably, that he has issues with eating at this time, I can speak with some experience.
You do not indicate what it is that makes him 'down', either, by the way, and all of this is rather important. If he is simply 'down' because he had the tube insered, that is one thing. If he can't eat, if he has received a horrible prognosis, if he is still in treatment, that is another story altogether.
I will just tell you, then, that after my surgery (October, '05), with a tube already in place, while also receiving chemotherapy and daily radiation treatments, I removed myself from ALL social gatherings, not to rain on the parade, and these included Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner, and New Years stuff.
In my case, if I was 'down', I was also sick. At least for some of those occasions. The thing is, and it really did come as a surprise to a naive and ignorant fellow like myself, almost all social occasions REQUIRE eating and drinking. Watching other people eating while you cannot is probably as close to torture as you can get without doing it intentionally.
It takes some time to get past that.
I avoided them.
I understand where your husband is coming from, and I also understand where YOU are coming from.
If there are things he CAN swallow, broths, soups, yogurt, whatever, you might consider preparing these for his birthday, for his 'special' birthday meal. I recommend that with hesitation because it illuminates his 'differences' at a time when he is apparently not yet ready to acknowledge them. But I do. Have the same for yourself; that is, make it a meal that you can both get down.
If such is not the case, if he is on the tube 100%, then forego the meal, lose the cake, and instead, as others have suggested, celebrate the fact that he is still here! Celebrate the notion that he may very well be here for many more.
Do not invite friends, family, I would advise...it sounds as though he wants to stay away from that for awhile, as I did.
But you are there. And, frankly, if he is up for it, and if it is just the two of you, there are other gifts you might provide him that might perk him up a bit, if his medications and physical status allow it.
Happy birthday to hub, and best wishes to you. I hope that it works out well.
Take care,
Joe
I agree with Joe, there are other ways to "celebrate" than a party with friends and family. I will take a party for two any day.
How about setting up the room with scented candles,(as long as he is not on oxygen of course), otherwise, they sell the fake flame room freshners, dressing like you are on your honeymoon, snuggling up and caressing him while watching his favorite movie or reading him his favorite book. Even if his physical status does not allow, touch him emotionally. Celebrate being with each other. There is no greater gift you could give, than to make him feel like he is still the same man you want and desire.
Who knows that might give him a little "pick me up", and make it a Happy Birthday.
Wish you both the best.
Kim0 -
My husband too had aNBTXGIRL said:Happy Birthday
I agree with Joe, there are other ways to "celebrate" than a party with friends and family. I will take a party for two any day.
How about setting up the room with scented candles,(as long as he is not on oxygen of course), otherwise, they sell the fake flame room freshners, dressing like you are on your honeymoon, snuggling up and caressing him while watching his favorite movie or reading him his favorite book. Even if his physical status does not allow, touch him emotionally. Celebrate being with each other. There is no greater gift you could give, than to make him feel like he is still the same man you want and desire.
Who knows that might give him a little "pick me up", and make it a Happy Birthday.
Wish you both the best.
Kim
My husband too had a Birthday this past Saturday and I felt awkward thinking about what to say too, but GlennaM and I must have attended the same school. (Hi Glenna). I thought about getting a Ice Cream cake, but then remembered he doesn't want anything too cold these days. Actually, his likes and dislikes change daily. But, I also know that his favorite is an apple cobbler. So, I made a small one and yes, I certainly sang Happy Birthday to him and told him we have many many more to celebrate. Don't treat him much different than you usually would...maybe a bit under the circumstances, but they want to remain as normal as possible.0 -
follow up
Thanks for the suggestions. To answer some of Joe's questions - he has a salivary gland cancer that decided to attack his sinus and nasal cavity very aggressively - he is only the 3rd reported case of this type of tumor/cancer. They are treating him very aggressively - he is in the hospital for 5 days getting 2 doses of radiation and a 24 hr chemo drip then comes home for 9 days for a total of 5 rotations - tomorrow starts his 3rd rotation.
The peg was put him because he complains he cannot swallow anything anymore other than a few spoons of water here and there.
It's so hard because he rarely takes anymore either - just shrugs his shoulders alot and points. His daughter made him a great poster with all photos of family members - he didn't even say he liked it just shrugged again. I know he is in pain, and I know I cannot even imagine what has to be going through his mind, but he's not dead yet and if I have any say in it he won't be a for a long time but sometimes he sure as heck acts like he is!!0 -
follow up follow upnewbride said:follow up
Thanks for the suggestions. To answer some of Joe's questions - he has a salivary gland cancer that decided to attack his sinus and nasal cavity very aggressively - he is only the 3rd reported case of this type of tumor/cancer. They are treating him very aggressively - he is in the hospital for 5 days getting 2 doses of radiation and a 24 hr chemo drip then comes home for 9 days for a total of 5 rotations - tomorrow starts his 3rd rotation.
The peg was put him because he complains he cannot swallow anything anymore other than a few spoons of water here and there.
It's so hard because he rarely takes anymore either - just shrugs his shoulders alot and points. His daughter made him a great poster with all photos of family members - he didn't even say he liked it just shrugged again. I know he is in pain, and I know I cannot even imagine what has to be going through his mind, but he's not dead yet and if I have any say in it he won't be a for a long time but sometimes he sure as heck acts like he is!!
newbride,
I am a head/neck cancer survivor myself (along with getting past a touch of lung cancer as well). In my case, I had a 15 hour surgery, followed by four days of induced coma, and when I finally got out, I had 33 of 35 scheduled radiation treatments (daily) along with three or four day-long chemo treatments, and I am here to tell you that your hub's regimen is tougher than what I went through, or so it sounds to me.
Newbride, I am convinced, without any scientific evidence to back me up that I can cite immediately, that a revelation of cancer can be cause for the same sort of reaction that soldiers and firemen and policemen experience: post traumatic stress syndrome. Your husband, after all, has been told that he has cancer, and since most of us do not study cancer we usually hear that and think we have been told that we are going to die.
There IS much scientific evidence now that cancer and chemotherapy, especially, can result in depression, usually short-term, at least in the big picture of things, but also potentially something that needs to be worked out. I happen to believe, again without any backing by anybody of any reputation, although I think it should be obvious, that it also facilitates, encourages, a latent depression, one the patient/survivor may not have been aware of prior to the diagnosis and treatment.
All of this is to say that your husband may be suffering from depression. It is to be expected. It seems to me that while he is in the hospital for treatments might be a MOST opportune time to have a therapist come to see him: not a social worker, not a candystriping happy-dapper, but a real psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor.
I say that because in that environment it might not seem so offensive to him, might seem part of the treatment and therefore more acceptable (most of us do not want to acknowledge that we have problems of 'this kind'.)
That he is so listless, as I read your post, that he seems so unattentive and even apathetic, that he seems to be giving in to these short term (we hope) effects of treatment, point that way, at least to me.
I am not a professional, newbride, so take all of this with about a pound of salt, but at least consider it, and more importantly, have him consider it.
In the meantime, you might also talk to the doctors about getting him hooked up with a physical therapist AND a speech therapist. The more he does NOT use his eating and speaking capability, the more likely it is that the muscles in his jaw, mouth, tongue, etc, will atrophy, become useless. You do not want that, he does not want that. (They may insist on waiting until treatments are completed, as they did with me, but it doesn't hurt to ask, especially since he apparently did not have surgery as I did.)
There are exercises he can do to avoid this while in treatment.
Continue to assure him that things WILL get better. This thing requires patience, resolve, courage. You are showing it, and he needs to as well.
Take care,
Joe0
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